Yet another reason to hate the New England Patriots

Let me just state for the record, I hate Tom Brady*, and I hate the New England Patriots** (even though I live in New England). And I did not shed a tear when Tom Brady was suspended for four games this season. Nor did I believe that Tom Brady not playing would stop the Patriots from winning the AFC East again. Because the New England Patriots don't play fair. In fact, I'm not sure their players are even human. Don't believe me? Look who Bill Belichick replaced Tom Brady with, Superman!

Superman, who can change the course of mighty football games, throw footballs with his bare hands, and who, disguised as Jimmy Garoppolo, mild-mannered quarterback for a great New England football team, fights a never-ending battle for first downs, touchdowns, and the American Football Conference.

I call foul!

(Also, what's with the cleft chins, New England Patriots?)

Look, I am not one of those women -- or "football babes," as my brother-in-law used to (still?) refer to them -- who watches football just to ogle a bunch of cut guys in tight pants. (Though if a guy happens to look good in his football uniform, who am I to complain?.) But how are Ryan Fitzpatrick and the Jets supposed to compete with that?

Just bring back Tom Brady. Or maybe the Jets should recruit their own superhero.



*Even though I think he is one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game -- certainly the greatest in my adult lifetime.

**Or, more specifically, Bill Belichick.

Time to break out the NFL thongs!

Football season is here, people. And I, for one, even though I don't think either of my football teams -- the New York Giants and the New York Jets (both of New Jersey) -- stands a shot, IMHO, of making the playoffs this year, am very excited.  (Hey, if you were a Mets fan, you'd be pumped for football season, too.)

Actual husband-wife conversation:

The spouse: So when are you going to do Fantasy Football?

Me: What do you mean? I participate every year... by rooting for the Jets.

I've actually thought about entering a Fantasy Football league, but I don't have the energy or patience to follow multiple players from multiple teams in multiple time zones. Following players on the NY Giants and NY Jets is hard enough. And the rate that football players get injured these days, I'd have to constantly fiddle with my roster (which is not a euphemism for something dirty).

Btw, for those of you thinking, "J., how can you root for both the Giants and the Jets? What's up with that? I thought New Yorkers had to pick a team." I was originally a Giants fan. Even watched them when we lived in Chicagoland (where we also rooted for the Green Bay Packers, instead of the Bears, and were really into the Northwestern Wildcats).

But when we moved back to the Tri-State Area, I somehow got into the Jets (during the Chad Pennington era). And I rooted hard for them when they drafted Mark Sanchez. (Not because Mark Sanchez is cute, or because it meant I could include this photo of him from GQ, though...)

But then Jets ownership effed things up by signing Tim Tebow, instead of giving Sanchez the offensive support he desperately needed, and hiring the wrong offensive coach(es)/coordinator(s). And suddenly Ringling Brothers wasn't the only circus in town. And I was less than thrilled when the Jets then drafted Geno Smith. He might become an okay NFL quarterback, but I don't see Geno Smith taking the Jets to the Super Bowl. 

Not that I'm thrilled with the Giants, or Eli Manning, either. Even though, yes, honey, I know: Eli took the Giants to two Super Bowls, and won both, I am not a big Eli fan. Just don't think he's an elite quarterback, though I do think he comes through in the clutch (unlike David Wright) and has made some great plays. But the Giants offense, and defense, and secondary are all question marks this year (at least to me). And everyone, or the various football analysts or pundits, it seems, is picking the Philadelphia Eagles to win the NFC East this year. (Ugh. Though the spouse would rather have the Eagles win the division over Jerry Jones's Dallas Cowboys.)

Anyway, here's to the New York Jets and New York Giants defying my expectations -- and to Mark Sanchez getting a starting quarterback position somewhere (though please not on the Eagles).

So, who are all of you rooting for this season?

Where's a beer drone when you need one?

Forget those ridiculous Coors Light ads with the mountain climbers delivering ice-cold Coors Light beer plucked from ice caves to bar patrons. You want an ice-cold beer delivered to you, to your door? Then you, my friend, need a beer drone.

(Take that, Coors Light!)



Now when you run out of beer on game day, no more having to suit up with a coat, hat, gloves, and boots. Just have the beer drone deliver a nice cold six- or 12-pack to your door!

Btw, I am not making this up. Lakemaid Beer really does deliver beer by drone. Or did. (The FAA has since grounded them. Boo.)

Speaking of beer, even though I am not a fan of Bud Light beer*, I have to admit that the Bud Light Super Bowl XLVIII ad, titled "Ian, Up for Whatever," is pretty awesome.



All I can say is, Ian Rappaport, you are one lucky dude. Cheers.

*With the hundreds of beers available, why would anyone choose Bud Light? Unless you are broke and it's the only beer you can afford.

Why the Denver Broncos will win Super Bowl XLVIII

Why do I think that the Denver Broncos will defeat the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XLVIII? I'll give you three (3) reasons.

1. Peyton Manning, the Super Bowl-winning quarterback of the Denver Broncos, who holds the record for both touchdowns and passing yards this season. And happens to be very funny (though I can't stand those Papa John's commercials).



2. Puppies. As we all know, puppies are hardly ever wrong when picking the winner of the Super Bowl. (They are also incredibly cute.) And this year, both Jimmy Fallon's puppies and Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl X puppies BOTH went for the Denver Broncos.



3. It is the Chinese Year of the Horse. Broncos. Year of the Horse. Enough said.

UPDATE: Who knew puppies could be so wrong? Worst Super Bowl ever. So disappointed. Though the Bruno Mars halftime show totally rocked. 

Break out the NFL thongs*! It's football season!

Ah September, when a Mets fan's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of... football. (My apologies to Lord Tennyson.)

Though I am not feeling especially confident this season about my New York Giants' chances of making it to the Super Bowl (at their own stadium) this year, at least Giants management and fans are confident (for now) about their starting quarterback, Eli Manning, who sports not one but two Super Bowl rings. And it looks as though popular wide receiver Victor Cruz will be healthy enough to salsa in the end zone at the Giants opener Sunday against the Cowboys in Dallas. Yay! (No word yet on defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul, though he will most likely not play until Week 2.)

As for the Jets, they are pretty much doomed. Call it the Curse of Tim Tebow. (I do.) Or All Woody Johnson's Fault. (Ditto. See below.)

Just when you thought that organization would have learned from last year's circus... management somehow looks like an even bigger bunch of clowns this season.

Personally, I blame Jets owner Woody Johnson. If only instead of hiring Tim Tebow to play quarterback** last season he had surrounded soon-to-be-former Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez with a better offensive line and receivers... and someone other than Tony Sparano as the offensive coordinator.... (Talk about an offensive line.)

Anyway, I will be (pleasantly?) surprised if a) Week 1 Jets starting QB Geno Smith isn't repeatedly tackled and/or intercepted; b) Jets new backup quarterback Brady Quinn does a whole lot better in Week 3 (assuming Sanchez is cut, which I do); c) coach Rex Ryan isn't fired midway through the season (or has his contract renewed for another season); d) the Jets get over .500 this season; or e) all of the above.

Now if only the Giants stay healthy....

So, who are you all rooting for this season? And who do you think will be playing at MetLife Stadium on February 2, 2014? (And who thinks they should have put a retractable roof on the stadium, especially considering that two teams share the facility and New York is a huge market and is not exactly in the tropics or sub-tropics?)

*Actually, I was so giddy about the start of the professional football season, which kicks off tonight, I broke out my New York Giants thong earlier this week. (My New York Jets thong, however, has been relegated to the back of the underwear drawer, where it pretty much sat out last season, in protest to the Jets picking up Tim Tebow... and for other reasons.)

**Seriously, WTF? At least Bill Belichick saw the error of his ways before Week 1 and had the sense to cut Tebow.

Are you ready for some football... on your phone?

Hey, I'm just as excited as the next Mets football fan for football season. And I do love a good, funny football ad, especially one featuring Denver Broncos Quarterback Peyton Manning.

But man oh Manning, I think DirecTV -- and the Manning family (Peyton, Eli, and now their dad, Archie Manning) -- may have taken things a bit too far with this latest DirecTV ad titled "Football on Your Phone."



I know that New York Giants Super Bowl-winning Quarterback Eli Manning sometimes gets a bad rap (guilty) for his performance, but man, that was one bad rap performance. And dude, what is with the fake tan? Seriously, keep your day job. (Speaking of which, anyone have a couple of tickets to the September 15 Denver Broncos vs. New York Giants game at MetLife Stadium?)

Next ad, DirecTV, just hire Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake. Please. (Hey, if they can put their junk in a box, they can put football on a phone for you.)

Are you ready for some Puppy Bowl?!

Coming this Sunday, February 3, at 3 p.m. Eastern and Pacific Time on Animal Planet.... It's Puppy Bowl IX!



And now, for the first time ever, here is an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at Puppy Bowl, titled "Any Given Puppy Bowl."



(For a true behind-the-scenes look at Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl, including some interesting facts and figures, read this fascinating article in Forbes.)

Sure, puppies are cute and fun to watch, but can they do something useful, like predict who will win the Super Bowl?

Let's go to the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon Puppy Predictor to find out!



Don't like that result, 49ers fans? No problem. Just check out the Animal Planet Super Bowl Puppy Predictor instead!

No matter which team you are rooting for, though, looks like a doggone good time.

Football humor

Before I was a football fan, I was a football fan's girlfriend. (Back in the day, when the spouse and I lived in Chicago, and we were not yet married, we would go to the Cubby Bear by Wrigley Field to watch New York Giants football games with my future brother-in-law, who would tell me to go stand in the babe section.) So I could totally relate to (and laugh at) this video titled "Every Fan's Girlfriend: NFL" from the NOC.



Today, I am proud to say, I watch New York Giants (and New York Jets) football games whether or not the spouse is around. However, I am still waiting for the spouse to agree to salsa dancing lessons (though we did name our Chevy Cruze rental car "Victor.")

Maybe the Jets should change their name...

to the New York* Beefcakes.

First they sign a quarterback, Mark Sanchez, who keeps showing up in GQ (often half dressed)...






















(Sigh. I never get tired of looking at that picture.)

And then they sign a backup quarterback, Tim Tebow (though who really thinks Tim Tebow is going to be a "backup" for long?), who is a spokesmodel for Jockey underwear!












(Mmmm... Lord give me strength.)

Not that as a green-blooded female Jets fan I'm complaining -- about the scenery. But I worry that this battle of the hunky quarterbacks could be a distraction.

The Tim Tebow signing has already created a media circus (though I thought Tebow carried himself well at yesterday's press conference -- and was pleasantly surprised by how humble and sincere he came across.) Do we really need a war over which GQ QB is the hottest?

*or, more accurately, the New Jersey

Giants vs. Patriots: Which team has the better moves?

And by "moves," I am, of course, referring to touchdown moves.

Going head to head this Super Bowl Sunday are...

New York Giants' wide receiver Victor Cruz, he of the hip-swiveling "Touchdown Salsa" dance:



and fellow wide receiver Hakeem Nicks, aka Mr. "Dirty Bird":



vs. New England Patriots' tight end Rob Gronkowski, with his special brand of spiking the football now known as "Gronking":



Personally, my money is on future Dancing with the Stars disco ball trophy winner Victor Cruz and Hakeem Nicks -- and the Giants.

Super Bowl XLVI prediction: Giants-Patriots rematch

I realize that the chances of the New York Giants making it past the Green Bay Packers and then the New Orleans Saints (or the San Francisco 49ers) are slim, but hey, a lot of us (me included) didn't think the G-Men would get this far.

And dang if the Giants didn't look good against the Atlanta Falcons yesterday -- beating the birds 24-2! (Here at J-TWO-O Central we now refer to Mario Manningham as Super Mario.)



As for the New England Patriots, while we know their recent playoff (and Super Bowl) record is not the best, I've got a feeling about this one. And not just because the Patriots destroyed the Broncos last time they met.

(In the words of Jesus Sudeikis, from one of my favorite recent Saturday Night Live skits, "If I'm the son of God, Tom Brady's got to be the guy's nephew.")



So who do you all think is going to Super Bowl XLVI? Leave your prediction in the Comments section.

Go Giants!

UPDATED 1/15/12: Giants beat the Packers! Giants beat the Packers -- 37-20! We are one step closer to the dream, Giants fans. (Though, of course, I have probably just jinxed the G-Men.) See you in San Francisco, Giants fans!

UPDATED 1/22/12: OMG, the Giants beat the 49ers 20-17 in overtime! The Giants are going to the Super Bowl -- as are the Patriots, who beat the Ravens earlier today. OMG!!! It's the Giants versus the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI! We may win the football pool yet!

UPDATED 2/6/12: GIANTS WIN! OMG! GIANTS BEAT THE PATRIOTS 21-17 IN ANOTHER NAIL BITER! WE WON THE SUPER BOWL!

Jets, Giants, and Zombies

If you are a Jets and/or Giants fan, yesterday was HUGE. I still can't quite believe the Jets beat the Bills, pretty decisively (27-11) -- and are now tied for first place in the AFC East with the Patriots and the Bills.

And the second half of the Giants-Patriots game at Foxborough.... You needed heart medication to have survived that fourth quarter. That may have been the most exciting second half and/or fourth quarter of a football game I have ever seen. (Shades of Super Bowl XLII? Giants' tight end Jake Ballard even wears David Tyree's number, 85.)

While there were a number of great moments in both games, the Santonio Holmes (wide receiver, New York Jets) - Rex Ryan (coach, New York Jets) body bump, after Holmes scored a touchdown in the third quarter of the Jets-Bills game was particularly memorable (and humorous):



Fat white guys can jump!

And what can I say about the second half, particularly the last seconds of the fourth quarter, of yesterday's Giants-Patriots game that this highlight reel doesn't better illustrate? You ROCK (or CATCH), Jake Ballard -- and Eli Manning and Brandon Jacobs! Final score: Giants 24-Patriots 20. Amazing.

Finally, zombies -- which you could pretty much classify me as after spending all day watching football yesterday, and after not having electricity, or running water, or school for my daughter, all last week.

My daughter had planned on dressing up for Halloween -- which our town moved to November 5 -- as a zombie prom queen long before the power outage. However, in light of recent events, her costume seemed particularly appropriate. (I certainly felt my brains had been sucked out.)






















Here's to the Jets, the Giants, and to keeping the zombies at bay.

And Goodell said, "Let there be football." And there was football.

And Goodell saw the NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement, and it was good: and Goodell united the players and the owners.

And Goodell saw every thing that they had made, and, behold, it was very good.

And the evening of September 8 and the afternoon of September 11 were the first and second day of football season.

Amen.

I am so ready for some football.

Hope the Jets and Giants don't suck this season.

I want my NFL

Ah, summer, when those of us with lame baseball teams (figuratively and literally) begin daydreaming about football. But thanks to a bunch of greedy, spoiled, self-centered millionaires and billionaires, there may be no 2011-2012 professional football season -- or else a protracted one.

And I say, enough already. It is time for the National Football League's players and owners to come to an agreement, so that come September I -- and millions of other fans -- have an excuse to estrange our families and weasel out of chores on Sunday afternoons.

Btw, it's not just the fans who would suffer if there is no football this fall. According to NFLLockout.com, the State of Maryland stands to lose $40 million if the season is canceled. And Maryland isn't the only entity that stands to lose big bucks if the NFL lockout isn't resolved soon. Think of all the restaurants, bars, and sporting goods stores that stand to take a hit if football players don't suit up in the fall -- and all the ordinary Joes and Janes who could well lose their jobs if football players don't do theirs. Ditto all the people who actually make football games possible -- from the people who work at the stadiums to each team's back-office and front-office operations to the guys who operate the TV cameras to the guys who squirt Gatorade into players' mouths.

All because a bunch of guys can't figure out how to divvy up $9.3 billion. (FYI, if you are interested in learning more about the history of the dispute, check out "NFL Lockout for Dummies: Explaining the NFL Labor Dispute in Layman's Terms.")

Now comes word that NFL owners and players have made progress toward a new Collective Bargaining Agreement, or CBA, where players would receive 48 percent of all revenue -- but that an official agreement is probably a week or two away, assuming there are no surprises (which is a big assumption to make). SIGH.

In a week where it was just announced that initial claims for unemployment insurance rose by 9,000 to 429,000, and that companies still aren't hiring, and that housing prices are still in a slump, it is nauseating to hear about millionaires and billionaires squabbling over a million here, a million there.

Still, all that said, I want my NFL. So come on, NFL owners and players: let's sign a deal soon so there will be football this fall -- and less unemployment.

Americans more concerned about NFL lockout than government shutdown?

I don't know for sure which issue concerns Americans more: a possible NFL lockout or a possible government shutdown (or Britney Spears' infomercial for her latest song, "Hold It Against Me," which is causing quite a stir).

Football fans are a pretty passionate bunch. So I wouldn't be the least surprised if it was true that Americans are more worried about a possible NFL lockout than they are about a government shutdown. Indeed, while there is at least one website devoted to preventing an NFL lockout, NFLLockout.com, I am not aware of any similar sites calling on Americans to prevent a government shutdown, due to the current budget impasse. But do correct me if I am wrong.

But what do J-TWO-O readers think is the more pressing issue, a possible NFL lockout or a possible government shutdown? Or Britney Spears' video for "Hold It Against Me"?

To find out, please take the following (totally anonymous) poll.

Which concerns you the most?

No cheerleaders at Super Bowl XLV?!

That's positively Un-American!

It's also yet another reason why the Jets should be playing in Super Bowl XLV instead of the Steelers. ;-)

According to this MSNBC clip, this will be the first time in over 40 years that the Super Bowl will be cheerleaderless -- as both the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers don't have cheerleaders. (They are two of six NFL teams that don't have cheerleaders; the other four being the Chicago Bears, the Cleveland Browns, the Detroit Lions, and the New York Giants.)

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

As Super Bowl XLV is being played at Cowboys Stadium, I think the least Jerry Jones could do would be to loan the NFL the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders for the occasion, don't you?

Sigh. Guess male viewers will have to make do with the ladies of GoDaddy and Hooters.

Jets vs. Patriots: This time it's personal

I just love me some good football smack talk, though I think the Jets are asking for trouble talking smack about the New England Patriots and QB Tom Brady right now (especially considering the whooping they got the last time they played them).

[NOTE: This video, which I found after I wrote this post, is probably NOT safe for work -- that is, if you are familiar with Rex Ryan's verbal stylings.]



Do you really think calling Patriots quarterback Tom Brady an a-hole is going to help the Jets cause, Antonio Cromartie? Or do you think it's an invitation to a major butt-kicking?

As for Jets Coach Rex "Footloose" Ryan, a media gift who keeps on giving, if the Jets beat the Patriots this Sunday, no one will care what smack he talked about Tom Brady or the Patriots. In fact, sports talk radio hosts (yes, I'm talking to you, Craig Carton) will sing his praises come Monday morning. But if the Jets lose.... (Yeah, yeah, Patriots fans, pipe down.)

Btw, Jets and Jets fans have not been the only ones talking smack about this Sunday's big big AFC divisional playoff game between the New York Jets (of New Jersey) and the New England Patriots at Gillette Stadium. Patriots Wide Receiver Wes Welker had a few choice foot metaphors for Rex Ryan and the Jets. And this Pats fan (see video, below) also has some opinions about Sunday afternoon's Jets - Patriots matchup.

[NOTE: This video is also not entirely safe for work, unless you are a Patriots fan.]



But let me ask all of you. (All five of you.) What do you guys think about football smack talk and, more importantly, about this Sunday's big game between the Jets and Patriots?

Let me know via a blog comment.

And even though we took the Pats in the NFL playoff pool (hangs head in shame)... GO JETS!

UPDATED 1/17/11: Jets won! Jets won! Still can't quite believe it. To Pittsburgh -- and beyond!

The Joy of Football

Ah Sunday in November, when a middle-aged woman's fancy turns to... football... and poetry.

How do I love football? Let me count the ways...
(With apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

How do I love football? Let me count the ways.
I love football to the first down and touch down or field goal
Each drive can reach, as the ball is passed or run down the field
From the end zone of the opposing team and the ideal runback.
I love football to the level of each Sunday's
Most heated game, by sun and stadium-light.
I love football freely, as men strive for touchdowns;
I love football purely, as they return from punts.
I love football with a passion put to use
In shouting for my teams, and with a chilled beer.
I love football with a love I seemed to lose
When my teams lost, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if the football gods so choose,
I shall but love thee better after my team wins the Super Bowl.

The Jets Fan's Prayer (Cleveland Edition)

Our Jets team, which art in Cleveland,
hallowed be thy run game.
Thy defense come.
Thy will be done on the Browns,
as it was on the Patriots and Bills.
Give us this Sunday our next big win,
and forgive us our sacks and penalties,
as we block and intercept those who seek to score against us.
Lead us not into defeat,
but deliver us to the Super Bowl.
Amen.

O Giants! My Giants! (With apologies to Walt Whitman)

O GIANTS! My Giants! your fearful rivalry is done;
The team has weather'd every sack, the prize we sought is won;
The Cowboys are here, the shouts I hear, the fans all exulting,
While Eli takes the steady snap, the offense grim and daring:
O hut! hut! hut!
Soon they'll be bleeding drops of Cowboy silver,
When on the field another Cowboy pass lies,
Fumbled yet again.

Suddenly everyone's a Jets fan

Okay, maybe not everyone is a New York Jets (of New Jersey) fan, but this football season it seems that the greater New York City metro area (New York-New Jersey-Connecticut) has gone from feeling (Big) Blue to seeing (Gang) Green.

Some may attribute the increase in the number of Jets fans (particularly female fans) to this guy, Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez, who, btw, has yet to throw an interception this season (a record -- though now watch, this Sunday he'll get picked off three times by the Denver Broncos):






















Or maybe I should say Jets super sexy GQ QB Mark Sanchez:





















But I think the real cause of all the Jets excitement is this guy, Jets coach Rex Ryan:






















Sure, Rex Ryan may not have the sculpted abs of Mark Sanchez (I'm not even sure Ryan has abs), but he is far more entertaining -- and has breathed life (and a lot of unprintable words) into what was considered until recently an also-ran NFL franchise.

There is also the fact that the Jets are Number One in the AFC East (at least this week), with a 4-1 record (though I may have just jinxed them) -- and everyone loves a winner.

Whatever the reason, I believe the Jets bandwagon is big enough for everyone to climb aboard -- even you, Tom Brady.

GO JETS!!!

So much for the Jets going 16-0. But at least the Giants won.

First the good news -- that is, if you are a New York (Jersey) Giants fan: the Giants won their home opener Sunday, 31-18, over the Carolina Panthers. No, it wasn't pretty. And no, I don't think that it marks the start of a Super Bowl run. But, a win is a win is a win. And it's one more than the New York (Jersey) Jets, who share a stadium with the Giants, have right now.

Speaking of sharing a stadium, the staff and grounds crew at New Meadowlands Stadium (in East Rutherford, New Jersey), where both the Giants and Jets play, deserve a trophy for turning what was Giants Stadium Sunday afternoon at 4:30 p.m. ET into Jets Stadium by 4 p.m. ET Monday (actually a lot sooner than that). Even if you don't care about the Giants or the Jets, check out this short video. Amazing.


But getting back to the Jets, I was totally pumped to watch the Jets tackle the Baltimore Ravens last night, especially after watching Hank Williams Jr. open Monday Night Football on ESPN:



But neither Old Hank's rallying cry nor Mark Sanchez's rugged good looks could save the Jets from an embarrassing 10-9 defeat. (If you click on only one link in this post, read the URL for the one before this parenthetical statement. Brilliant.) I don't know which was worse, the Jets' offense, which couldn't score, even when given several opportunities, or the Jets' defense, which may have gone in the books for record number of penalties in a single game.

Of course, being a fan (of both the Giants and the Jets -- weird but true), I'll be in front of the TV again next weekend, rooting (and praying) for a victory.