Are condiments clogging your refrigerator (and/or cabinets and/or pantry), taking up valuable shelf space?
Do you have three different kinds of mustard, all of them at various levels of fullness (or emptiness), which you can't remember when you bought, taking up space on the shelves in your refrigerator door?
How about half-empty containers of ketchup? And salsa? And hot sauce? Perhaps some mayonnaise? Or maple syrup? Maybe a half-empty jar of olives (which is technically not a condiment, but work with me) or some soy sauce?
(I'll wait here while you go check your fridge. Though let's get real. You don't really need to check your fridge, cause you know you do.)
Do you remember when you bought all of these condiments? Any of them? Yet when is the last time you threw away a half-empty jar of mustard... or ketchup... or hot sauce, or checked to see if it was past the expiration date?
You can't remember, can you? Why? Probably because a) "I can't be bothered. I have enough sh*t to worry about"; b) "I hate to waste food, even condiments. And those things are supposed to last forever, right?" or c) "Yeah, and you know what will happen the second I throw that stuff out? Somebody's going to want it, and I'm going to have to run out to the supermarket."
And don't get me started about spices.
(I spent hours the other day actually sorting through our spice cabinet, or at least two shelves of it, tossing age-old spices and organizing the remaining jars, many of which we had two, or more, of, alphabetically. Only to have the teenager muck it all up days later. Sigh.)
Welcome to... The Condiment Conundrum, where we allow condiments to take over our lives, or our refrigerators (and cabinets or pantries). Yet for some reason, we are unable to throw out any of them (even when we move... or die*).
Why is this, fellow Americans? I would really like to know. And do Europeans and Asians suffer from the same condiment issues?
Please let me know your thoughts via the Comments.
*True story: My father, a bachelor for over 30 years, was famous, or infamous, for the contents of fridge, which consisted of several bottles of Champagne, a bag (or two) of Pepperidge Farm Oatmeal Raisin Cookies, cantaloupe and grapefruit halves, and jar upon jar of condiments. When he died suddenly, and I had to clean out his apartment, even though he was dead, I found it difficult to throw out all the condiments.
Watching, or listening to, all of the hoopla surrounding tonight's 87th Academy Awards ceremony in Hollywood, I have to stifle a yawn. I just can't get excited about a bunch of movies, or performances, that in 10 years (probably much less) few will remember or care about (and most people don't even care about now).
Would Boyhood and Patricia Arquette have been up for Academy Awards if the movie had been shot in 12 weeks instead of over 12 years?
And speaking of Patricia Arquette, it almost seems as though the category, or Oscar, should be called the Award for a Supporting Actress Who Didn't Succumb to Cosmetic Surgery, as seemingly all every Hollywood reporter (and many actors) seems to talk about is how marvelous it is that Arquette hasn't gone under the knife, or gotten Botox or fillers, even though she is only 46, which is like 112 in Hollywood Years -- and was in her early 30s when Boyhood started shooting.
Indeed, these days it often seems that the Best Acting categories have as much to do with makeup (or lack thereof) or physical appearance (ability to gain 20 pounds or adopt certain mannerisms) and/or costumes (or lack thereof) than with actual acting. Though yes, I know, it takes acting ability to successfully pull off an accent (Meryl Streep) and convince people you have a physical impairment (loved Colin Firth in The King's Speech and I hear Eddie Redmayne is great in The Theory of Everything).
And while there have been some good movies over the last 20 years, part of me, a rather big part, longs for the days when movies entertained or moved us not because they had loads of cool (usually gratuitous) special effects, or car chases, or whips and chains (Raiders of the Lost Ark, good; Fifty Shades of Grey, bad) -- but because they had good, or great, actors/acting, and directors and scripts.
Do this year's Best Picture nominees even hold a candle to those from 1939, when Dark Victory, Gone with the Wind, Goodbye, Mr. Chips, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Of Mice and Men, The Wizard of Oz, and Wuthering Heights were just some of the nominees? (Granted, that was an incredible year, movie-wise, and Hollywood has had several not-so-great years between then and now.)
[For a complete list of films nominated for Best Picture, along with the winners, click here.]
And what about those great actors and actresses from the 1930s and '40s and '50s? Yes, yes, there are many good, even very good, actors around right now -- Dustin Hoffman, Daniel Day-Lewis, Tom Hanks, the late Philip
Seymour Hoffman, and Colin Firth immediately spring to mind -- and actresses, such as Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, Cate Blanchett, and Julianne Moore.
But how many of today's "stars," or their performances, will we remember 50 or 80 years from now? How many can truly compare to the likes of actors Cary Grant, Clark Gable, Gregory Peck, Spencer Tracy, James Stewart, and Humphrey Bogart -- and actresses like Katharine Hepburn, Bette Davis, Olivia de Havilland, Ingrid Bergman, Judy Holliday, and Audrey Hepburn?
Granted back then, under the studio system, it was easier to create (and manage) stars. But how is it I can easily recall, and still watch, and enjoy, movies from that Golden Era and can rarely find anything of more recent vintage to watch on On Demand today, when there are hundreds of movies available for streaming?
And speaking of the number of bad movies out there.... What happened to screenwriting -- and originality?
Granted, I am probably pickier than most when it comes to choosing, or viewing, movies. (Okay, a lot pickier, according to the spouse.) But when is the last time you were excited to go see a movie -- actually went to see it in a movie theater -- and came away saying "Wow! That was an amazing movie!" or "Wow. What a great movie!" or "What an incredible well-written, well-acted movie that was. It should get an Academy Award"?
I'm not talking about movies that entertained you for a couple of hours. Movies that dazzled you with their special effects, or violence, or nudity -- or let you tune out for a couple of hours.
I'm asking, how many movies have you seen in the last five or 10, or 20 years, do you think that if you saw them again in five, or 10, or 20 years you would still think "Wow, that was a great movie"?
Anybody remember Mira Sorvino in Mighty Aphrodite or rushing to rent Gladiator or The Artist?
Those seven groupings consist of: the Herding Group, the Working Group, the Non-Working Group, the Sporting Group, the Terrier Group, the Hound Group, and the Toy Group.
Some of these groups are obvious to even us non-dog people. But many of these categories, or placements, are confusing. For example, there are terriers who are in the Terrier group and then terriers who fall under the Working and Toy groups. And weren't all hounds designed to be sporting?
So to more accurately represent dogs in a way that both dog lovers and laymen will understand, and appreciate (especially prospective dog owners), I propose the following helpful group names or designations:
The Drooling Group. Pretty self explanatory. Dogs in this group would include Boxers; Bulldogs; Newfoundlands; the Bullmastiff, Mastiff, and Neapolitan Mastiff; the Dogue de Bourdeaux; and the Saint Bernard.
The Hypoallergenic Group. For people who want to own a dog even though they or a loved one are allergic to them. Dogs in this group would include Poodles, the Soft-Coated Wheaten Terrier, the Xoloitzcuintle, the Portuguese Water Dog, Schnauzers, the Bedlington Terrier, and the Chinese Crested, the Peruvian Inca Orchid, and other hairless breeds.
The High Maintenance Group. These are dogs that require a lot of grooming. Dogs in this group would
include Afghans, Poodles, the Komondor, the Puli, Old English Sheep
Dogs, Bichon Frises, Maleteses and Shih Tzus (and many others).
The Noisy Group. Again, pretty self explanatory. Dogs in this group include Beagles, Chihuahuas, Dashsunds, Jack Russell Terriers, Yorkshire Terriers, German Shepherds, Basset Hounds, Lhasa Apsos, Miniature Schnauzers, Pomeranians, and Beagles (among others).
The Hyperactive Group. Not recommended for couch potatoes. Good for herding sheep and children and chasing things, like squirrels, ducks, and postal carriers. Dogs in this group would include Australian Shepherds, Beagles, Border Collies, Boston Terriers, Dalmatians, Irish Setters, Retrievers, Schipperkes, Weimaraners, and Whippets.
The 'Will Fit Under an Airplane Seat or in This Cute Handbag' Group. The ultimate lap accessory. Dogs in this group would include Chihuahuas, Pugs, Papillons, Yorkshire Terriers, and most "miniature" varieties.
The Fetch Me a Beer (Most Trainable) Group. Smarter than the average bear... or dog. Or at least more trainable. Dogs in this group
would include Australian Cattle Dogs and Shepherds, Retrievers, Border
Collies, German Shepherds, Shiba Inus, Airedale Terriers, and Corgis.
I know I'm leaving out a bunch of dogs, so feel free to suggest additional groups via the Comments section.
Inspired by the best-selling
book, Fifty Shades of Grey, by E.L. James, the limited edition Christian Grey Bear, from the Vermont Teddy Company, is guaranteed to help you dominate this Valentine's Day. Seriously, what woman could possibly resist 15 inches of silky smoothness -- wrapped up in a suit? And are those mini handcuffs* I see in Christian Grey Bear's paw? Why yes, yes I do.
Act now, and for only $89.99 the Vermont BDSM Teddy Bear Company will not only send you (or your personal Anastasia) this adorably inappropriate bear but will also throw in some gourmet chocolates (no doubt so that you can lick them off her stomach... or other parts).
Btw, lest you missed the fine print, the Christian Grey Bear is not suitable for children.
So as some (most) of you know, I am the mother of a teenager who loves to cook and bake, a lot -- specifically gluten-free, dairy-free, and, often, sugar-free goodies. Combine that love of baking with a raft of school closings and two-hour delays the last week or so, et voila! Our kitchen has become a bakery.
First it was croissants and pains au chocolate (aka chocolate-filled croissants)...
Which took a few days to polish off. (Hey, man -- and woman -- cannot live by croissants alone.)
Then the teenager made peanut butter cookies with homemade dark chocolate kisses (what she called "peanut butter blossoms"), as she wanted to try out her new chocolate kiss mold...
Sadly, most of the peanut butter chocolate cookies were packed up and taken to school (as are all of her baked goods), to be enjoyed by the teenager's friends and teachers. Sniff.
[Interestingly, the teenager rarely eats her own baked goods, except on special occasions. The spouse and I, however, do not have that much willpower, and often serve as taste testers. A rough job, I know.]
Then this morning I came downstairs at 6:45 to find her whipping up a batch of chocolate meringue cookies... for tonight's Thrive Tribe potluck supper, for which she'll also be making her felafel... (Though the spouse did manage to sneak one of the chocolate meringue cookies for breakfast.)
If this keeps up, we may start charging her a facilities fee. (And will need to go on diets come spring.) But I guess there are far worse hobbies. And, as the teenager constantly reminds us, all of her baked goods are healthy. :-)
I started this blog to amuse myself, my friends, and my family. If you are not amused, just click on some other blog. You got millions to choose from. If you are amused, spread the word -- and the link! To contact me, send an email to moodyqt33 [at symbol] hotmail.com.