How to choose a mistress

It has come to my attention recently that what really bothers most people (i.e., MEN) about the Tiger Woods "scandal" is not that he was cheating on his wife but how incredibly stupid he was in regard to how he conducted his affairs ("He's a graduate of STANFORD, for Chrissakes!") and with whom he conducted them. ("She was on a REALITY show! What did you expect?!")

So for all you men out there who are contemplating having an affair, particularly if you are a celebrity, I offer you the following tips on how to properly choose a mistress -- so your text and voice mail messages** won't wind up being published by TMZ or US Weekly or being broadcast on CNN, Fox, or MSNBC, and your wife won't receive any embarrassing letters describing your anatomy.

How to Choose a Mistress

1. Avoid women who seem way too eager to get in your pants (or vice versa) -- especially those who show or offer you their panties. (See "Monica Lewinsky.")

2. Never have sex with a woman who has been on a reality show, who wants to be on a reality show, or for whom reality shows are considered "must-see" TV.

3. Avoid nightclub managers, waitresses, and/or aspiring models, actresses, and singers -- or anyone who offers you her 8 x 10 glossy.

4. Similarly, steer clear of name droppers, celebrity seekers, and star f_ckers, or anyone who has ever dated a celebrity, professional athlete, famous figure, or titan of industry, especially if she has dated more than one of these (or claims to have).

5. Do not have sexual relations with women who are your direct reports or who stand to gain or lose position or salary from getting it on with you (unless you are David Letterman).

6. And whatever you do, do NOT mess around with your wife's best friend, sister, or that neighbor she's always chatting with.

7. Make sure your ho is not on any prescription medication -- or should be.

8. Avoid single women and/or women with nothing to lose. And while you're at it, avoid married women with husbands bigger, richer, or meaner than you.

9. Steer clear of women who are always texting. (What exactly is it you think they are texting all their friends? The weather report?)

10. Similarly, steer clear of women with Facebook and/or Twitter accounts, or who have their own blog, or who can type for that matter.

Other helpful hints:

* Always wear a condom.

* Never leave a paper or electronic trail.

* Don't cheat in the first place.

** Herewith, Tiger Woods' voicemail message to his mistress, asking her to take her name off her phone, set to music:



Bonus video: Stephen Colbert on Tiger Woods and his lack of respect for the sanctity of mistress:

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