Jingle balls?

And now I bring you tidings of comfort and Joe from ye merry gentlemen of Kmart. (Sometimes I wonder if the K in Kmart stands for Kinky.)

Presenting Kmart's new Christmas ad for Joe Boxer underwear, titled "Show Your Joe."



Ho ho ho.

UPDATED 1:25 PM: Just for grins, I searched online to check out the Joe Boxer briefs -- only to find that Kmart does not appear to carry them. :-/

Tattoo it like Beckham?

For those who haven't beheld the very chiseled David Beckham running, swimming, jumping and kicking a football (aka soccer ball) in his skivvies, here you go.



You're welcome, ladies. Consider that an early Valentine's Day present.

(So guys, do you think Beckham did all his own stunts -- or did he have a body double? If the former, all I can say is WOW.)

There is no denying that Mr. Beckham, seen above advertising his new line of David Beckham Bodyware for H&M*, is a fine specimen of manhood. But I cannot get past all those tattoos, which (to me at least) are a major distraction -- and turnoff.

I just don't get why someone, especially someone who takes pride in his body, would wish to deface it like that. Though of course most people getting tattoos don't see it that way. One little tattoo? Okay, I can kind of get that. But having someone permanently ink you all over? Maybe there's something addictive in tattoo ink that compels users to keep going back for more.

Or maybe I'm just a cranky old woman who doesn't appreciate "art."

Oh, hold on a sec. There's something going on outside.

Hey, David Beckham! Get off my lawn!

*So if I buy some of this here bodyware for the spouse for Valentine's Day, will he look like David Beckham?

Butt... butt... butt...

Overall, I am okay with my body. It's not supermodel (or even model) material, but it's in relatively good shape (thanks to exercising every other day and eating a mostly healthy diet) for a middle-aged broad. And while I may joke about my breasts (or lack thereof), my least favorite feature is my derriere (aka bottom, backside, rear-end, booty, tuckus, or tushy).

No matter how many butt-firming or lifting exercises I do, or how many of them, I have come to the sad realization that I will never have a butt like J. Lo's. Fortunately (God bless him), the spouse seems to think my posterior is perfect as is.

Exchange between me and the spouse from earlier today:
Spouse: (Admiringly) Turn around.
Me: (Reluctantly turning around) I have a saggy ass.
The spouse: You have a beautiful butt. Plenty of women would pay good money for a butt like that!*
Me: They should demand a refund.

And apparently, I am not the only woman who has buttocks envy.

Fortunately, help is at hand (or behind). Forget padded bras, ladies. Today's hottest "beauty" trend? Padded underwear. (And you people laughed at me when I blogged about the Bikini ButtBra two years ago! Who's laughing now?! Actually, I am.)

Yes, ladies, manufacturers have heard your booty call and have responded.

Whether you are looking for a double-o butt lift or padded panties that make you Feel Foxy, help is just a click away!

Btw, gals are not the only ones looking for back. There is plenty of padded underwear for men, too. (If you click on nothing else, click on that link for padded underwear for men. More importantly, why am I not writing copy for Bubbles Bodywear?!)

All of which has me thinking, it is only a matter of time before some sitcom or chick flick features a scene where the woman and man are getting "intimate" -- and then stop when they see the pile of padded underwear and padding scattered on the floor and then look at each other in horror.

*Personally, I think he was just butt-ering me up. ;-)

Maybe the Jets should change their name...

to the New York* Beefcakes.

First they sign a quarterback, Mark Sanchez, who keeps showing up in GQ (often half dressed)...






















(Sigh. I never get tired of looking at that picture.)

And then they sign a backup quarterback, Tim Tebow (though who really thinks Tim Tebow is going to be a "backup" for long?), who is a spokesmodel for Jockey underwear!












(Mmmm... Lord give me strength.)

Not that as a green-blooded female Jets fan I'm complaining -- about the scenery. But I worry that this battle of the hunky quarterbacks could be a distraction.

The Tim Tebow signing has already created a media circus (though I thought Tebow carried himself well at yesterday's press conference -- and was pleasantly surprised by how humble and sincere he came across.) Do we really need a war over which GQ QB is the hottest?

*or, more accurately, the New Jersey

Of Spanx and Men: Spanx finally launches its own line of men's compression underwear

Ever since I wrote this post about Equmen's compression underwear for men (i.e., "Spanx for men") back in June 2009, I have been the go-to site for "spanx for men," "male spanx," "spanx men," "men's spanx," "spanx mens" -- pretty much anything having to do with men and Spanx, even though, technically, there was no such thing as Spanx for men. That is, until now.

(Btw, those five quoted phrases are the top five Googled terms on J-TWO-O and combined have led thousands -- and I mean THOUSANDS -- of Spanx- or compression- underwear-seeking men and their mates to this blog. Only Brooklyn Decker, or rather, her breasts, have generated anywhere close to that many hits. Yes, I am weeping.)

And now, after being #2 on Google for the search term "Spanx for men" for months (the TIME magazine article on the subject, which appeared two weeks after my post, being #1), I have dropped to #8, thanks to news from Spanx that it is about to start selling (drum roll, please) a Spanx-branded compression undershirt for men (i.e., Spanx for men). Just in time for Valentine's Day!

Frankly, I am a bit disappointed. That's all you got Spanx, a cotton undershirt? Heck, my dad (who's been dead for nearly seven years) wore form-fitting white undershirts for as long as I knew him, as did his dad. This is news? Though I guess since "Mad Men," everything old (or 1960s) is new -- and hot -- again. But still, no cute little boxer briefs with that famous Spanx compression technology?

In related news, Hanes recently reported that sales of its men's underwear were up, which, according to former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan, is a sure sign that the economy is recovering. (You can read about the so-called "Undies Index" here.)

UPDATED: Just received an email from Tug, the proprietor of the blog The Undershirt Guy, asking me to post his review of the Spanx for Men Compression Undershirt. You're welcome, Tug. ;-)

Underwear for the left-handed man -- a cheeky idea whose time has come

I didn't realize that men's underwear was biased towards righties, but apparently the (left-handed?) designers and marketers at Hom have a better grasp of this (ahem) issue than I do, as well as the balls to rectify the situation.

Per an investigative report in the London Daily Telegraph, "While boxer shorts usually have a central opening, Y-fronts and trunks traditionally have a right-handed opening, making it potentially more tricky for left-handed men when they are standing at a urinal" (or need to whip it out for some other pressing reason).

To which I say: Who knew?

But thanks to Hom's new underwear, now lefties everywhere can whip it out the way God intended them to. Southpaws rejoice!

(Btw, you can pick up a pair of the Hom H1 Original Maxi Trunk or Hipster for lefties online at BeCheeky.com and at other fine stores.)

UPDATED: "Be twice the man in Y-front"?! Anybody care to explain?

Just say "no" to men in Speedo*

As many of you may have already heard or read, Alton Towers, the "UK's most thrilling theme park," recently decided to ban one not-so-thrilling attraction: men in skimpy Speedo bathing suits or similar form-fitting swim trunks.

"We feel this small brief style is not appropriate for a family venue so we are advising male bathers to wear more protective swimwear such as shorts," said Alton Towers Resort sales and marketing director Morwenna Angove. "We are also looking into offering complimentary male waxing, which will ensure we preserve the dignity of all our guests."

Although the resort is getting flack from certain female patrons (supposedly), the press, and the offending Speedo wearers, I say, amen. And I believe I am speaking for the majority of women when I say, Unless you are an Olympic swimmer or diver or male underwear or swimwear model (preferably in an Olympic venue or on a photo shoot, respectively), please keep your junk to yourself (or display only in the privacy of your home).

For the record, while I am anti-Speedo bikinis and thongs on men I am all for (or pro) a little manscaping and/or back waxing.

This has been a public service announcement.

*bikini and/or thong swimwear

Spanx for men? Male "enhancing" underwear has arrived.

Wish I had known about this before Father's Day! Well, better late than never. And while Equmen, the Aussie company that makes the high-performance, male enhancing undershirt and skivvies featured in the video, wants you to think that any man could benefit from its high-tech compression clothing, I think not (as the video proves).

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Btw, as I recently learned, Equmen is hardly the only maker of men's compression undergarments. Many leading sports apparel companies, such as Nike and Under Armour, sell men's compression shorts (which, frankly, sound painful).

Welcome to our world, gents!

In other underwear-related news... apparently the contents of a man's underwear drawer says a lot about the state of the economy (amongst other things). "If men are wearing threadbare jocks - or worse, undies with holes - the nation is in real trouble, according to a growing number of economists who say the condition of men's underwear is a valuable fiscal indicator," wrote Rachel Wells in the Sydney Morning Herald earlier this month.

CNBC even did a piece on the Undies Index (the video is quite amusing), which is attributed to former US Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan. Btw, on the critical "boxers vs. briefs" question, the former Fed chairman had no comment.

UPDATED 2/8/10: Big news, people: Spanx has just announced it has created... (drum roll, please) Spanx for men! You can read all about it here.