The two biggest threats to civilization

No, it's not the passage of the health care bill and reality TV (e.g., The Jersey Shore). I am, of course, talking about CERN's Large Hadron Collider and topless gardening.

Let's cover the latter subject first, shall we?

Bet you didn't know that it was perfectly legal to garden without a top in Colorado, did you? And if Boulder resident Robert P. has anything to say about it, things will stay that way, so his 52-year-old wife can continue to tend to his garden in only pasties and a thong -- the neighbors be damned!

But apparently Mr. and Mrs. P.'s neighbors in Boulder think otherwise, and, as a result, the Boulder City Council is considering expanding the city's anti-nudity ordinance when it meets next month, though according to one report, young, good-looking women will still be allowed to go topless in public.

In other alarming news, this past Friday CERN's Large Hadron Collider set a new world record, accelerating proton beams to 3.5 trillion electron volts, which is more than three times the previous record for any Earth-gobbling, black-hole-making particle accelerator. (Maybe when Geneva disappears, scientists will finally see the error of their ways.)

But are CERN scientists satisfied with the Large Hadron Collider's latest feat? HA-rdly. They want the LHC to ram particles together at a crushing 7 trillion electron volts, recreating conditions when the universe was supposedly created (i.e., the Big Bang).

Now I am not a scientist (nor do I play one on TV), but I know a bit about the Big Bang theory (both the event and the TV show), and I just don't think it's a great idea to replicate the Big Bang -- the words big and bang being a big clue as to what could go wrong.

Moreover, according to a recent New York Times report, the Large Hadron Collider "is riddled with thousands of flawed electrical splices and underperforming magnets, which will require a year’s shutdown in 2012 to fix." Would that be before or after 12/21/2012, i.e., the day the world is supposed to end? Just askin'.

Oh, and have a nice day.

UPDATED: THE END JUST GOT NEARER!!! Per this report, those wild and crazy CERN scientists are going to start smashing protons together -- at a shattering 7 trillion electron volts -- next Tuesday, setting off a series of mini big bangs. On the plus side, if the LHC creates an Earth-gobbling black hole, it means I won't have to worry about writing an American Idol post next Tuesday night. ;-)