Nip(ple)/Tuck

While strolling around East Hampton yesterday afternoon, during a break in the rain, the spouse and I happened upon a lovely little lingerie store, where I found the nicest, softest (and possibly most expensive) lounging pajamas ever. As I was trying on said pajamas, I heard the spouse in intense conversation with the woman who was minding the store, accompanied by peals of laughter.

When I came out and asked the spouse what they were laughing about, he showed me this packet of nipple concealer adhesives called "low beams." Tagline: because "headlights are for cars."

I guess you could call low beams Victoria's secret. ; )

Slightly O/T: Overhead in East Hampton: "All the snobby people live in New Canaan*." This spoken by a 5'7" bleached blond fashionista to her bleached blond fashionista girlfriends.

*and apparently vacation in East Hampton.

How to get more women to watch football: Get more QBs like NY Jets' Mark Sanchez

For those who haven't heard (and care), yesterday the New York Jets announced that rookie Mark Sanchez will be their new starting quarterback when their season opens Sunday, September 13. While I feel bad for perennial also-ran Kellen Clemens, I, like many of the sports writers here in the Tri-State area (NY-NJ-CT), feel that Sanchez was the right call, though probably for different reasons.

Sure, sure, Sanchez led the USC Trojans to a 12-1 season last year, including routing Penn State at the Rose Bowl, and he's won all sorts of awards for his football prowess. But how does he stack up to the likes of Tom Brady?

Well, my friends, just take a look...

Schwing! (Or whatever the female equivalent is.)

Truly, it is a shame to make that man wear a jersey all the time. But rules are rules. And I guess it's good for commerce. (For the record, 6 is my lucky number -- and the date of my birth. Karma?) Btw, to see more pix of Mark "Cougar Bait" Sanchez on the beach, check out GQ's "Built for the Beach" piece featuring Sanchez and supermodel Hilary Rhoda (some eye candy for my male readers).

Truth be told, I would watch the Jets anyway -- and will. (Only two more weeks until the 2009-2010 NFL season officially starts!) But to paraphrase Marilyn Monroe as Lorelei Lee in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, You wouldn't watch a quarterback just because he's pretty, but my goodness, doesn't it help? Yup.

(Note to readers: I will officially be breaking out the thongs on September 13.)

Men, not as useless as we women think!

Friend of the blog -- and man -- jjv sent me this humorous (London) Times Online article titled "101 Uses for a Man," which I felt compelled to share. (Note: The link goes to the print version of the article, which gives you all 101 uses on one page. However, if you would prefer to read the original version, here you go. There is also a link to the Times Online's sister article, "101 Uses for a Woman," there.)

For the record, I am the one who removes dead mice from the house (#35), though the spouse is in charge of ridding the house of spiders (#7) and insects and does a nice job of warming the bed (#55), opening jars (#83), and using lots of pots and pans to cook (#39), though I am not sure that last one is particularly useful. Ditto snoring (#85). That said, he does have many other good uses, such as fixing and maintaining our computers and grocery shopping (which includes getting my facial creams and other "feminine products"), neither of which made the list. In other words, he's a keeper.

It's a documentary about beer. What more do I need to say?

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

--Dave Barry

Last night, after a delicious pizza dinner, the spouse and I watched Beer Wars, a most excellent documentary about... beer, specifically about the "war" between the big guys (mainly Anheuser-Busch) and the little guys (mainly Dogfish Head).

I wrote briefly about the film, which was written by friend of a friend (hi Amy!) Anat Baron, a beer industry insider (she was general manager of mike’s hard lemonade) here. And like most (all) of you, I didn't get a chance to see it when it was shown for one night only back in April. So I was THRILLED to find out that the DVD, available only on the Beer Wars Movie website, was now available and promptly bought one. (If you use the coupon code YELP0626, you should get 20 percent off the price. Btw, all proceeds go to support the independent filmmaker and help bring much needed exposure to some great little and medium-sized brewers and beers, including my beloved Fat Tire Amber Ale, which you still cannot get in the Northeast -- and the movie tells you why.)

If you like a good beer and/or you like a good documentary, I highly recommend you buy the Beer Wars DVD. (It also makes a lovely gift.) Just be sure to have a six pack of your favorite American microbrew handy (and maybe some pizza or pretzels) when you watch it as the film will make you very, very thirsty.

Which is why cops should stick to donut shops

Alternate title: An Officer and a Gentleman's Club.

Some stories seem just too dumb to be true. And this cop story would be one of them. (Btw, the double entendre* department worked overtime on this one.)

But I bet the deputy who was fired for allowing a scantily clad waitress from the Twin Peaks Restaurant ("Twice as much fun as other restaurants!") to pose with his great big gun (on his official vehicle) wishes he had just gone to the McDonald's drive-thru after that training session now.

What I want to know is how the waitress got a hold of the deputy's rifle. Did she ask him if she could handle his weapon or did he ask her to squeeze his big gun? And who thought it was a brilliant idea to take a picture of said scantily clad waitress posing with said rifle on said deputy's official vehicle?

Clearly, the officer deserved to be fired, for stupidity.

Btw, for those of you unfamiliar with the phrase double entendre, which is French, here's the definition, courtesy of the Urban Dictionary.

Forget swine flu. This summer's deadliest threat? Flip-flops (and I ain't talkin' politics)

Ladies grab a can of Lysol and prepare to be totally grossed out.

Your flip-flops? They contain thousands of nasty, literally sickening, bacteria (including the potentially lethal germ Staphylococcus aureus). You can get all the gory, disgusting details in this charming article titled "Can your flip-flops kill you?" (which has NOTHING to do with politics) courtesy of the staff of the TODAY Show and "the University of Miami emergency mobile flip-flop lab." (Thanks for NOTHING, TODAY Show. Slow news day? Though I did enjoy the Nora the Piano-Playing Cat segment.)

The good news: “As long as your skin is intact, as long as you use common sense and don’t knowingly expose yourself ... you shouldn’t be alarmed,” said Dr. Lisa Plano, a microbiologist at the University of Miami. Gee, thanks, Dr. Lisa.

To prevent illness and/or infection, the article offers the following advice: try to avoid wearing flip-flops in places where you are likely to come in contact with animal feces; leave flip-flops at the door; consider giving your flip-flops a good spraying with Lysol when you've been walking on city streets; and wash your hands AND feet as soon as you get in your house or apartment (or after disinfecting your flip-flops).

As for me, I will be the one wearing those disposable blue sanitary booties they give hospital workers over all my shoes now.

Obama Mania - The Sequel, Hurricane Bill (not Clinton!), Idol and DWTS news, plus ENOUGH with The Jacksons and Jon and Kate

Just spent four blissful days on Martha's Vineyard (aka "the summer White House") visiting with good friends and was (pretty much) blissfully unaware of what was going on on the mainland or even on the island, except that President Obama and his family were about to visit Martha's Vineyard and Islanders were suffering from an acute case of Obama mania.

Everywhere you went there was some store or restaurant showcasing its Obama-themed wares and/or Obama-themed menu items in the hopes of making up for an otherwise less-than-great retail season. (Anyone for an Obamarita?)

The only other "news" story that really crossed my radar while we were away was "Hurricane Bill," because we are all about the weather. Of course, when I first saw the headline re "Hurricane Bill" I immediately thought "Uh oh, what has Bill Clinton done NOW?" But, much to my (and I am sure Hillary's, though not the island of Bermuda's) relief, this Hurricane Bill is just a bunch of hot air (oh wait) -- I mean, the first hurricane of the Atlantic season, and currently a Category 2 storm.

Equally distressing (okay, not equally, but still distressing), I just discovered that for some reason The Jacksons are STILL in the news, as are Jon and Kate. ("Viewers' sympathies swing from Jon to Kate"!)

In other breaking "reality" TV news, former Conservative House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) will be on (oh-so-wrongly-named*) Dancing with the Stars this season (as will Donny Osmond, Macy Gray, Aaron Carter, Melissa Joan Hart, and Kathy Ireland, to name just a few), while, sadly, Paula Abdul, who may be returning to American Idol after all (yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus), will not be.

And that, I believe, is enough for one blog post. (Happy now, Powaqqatsi? ; )

*For the sake of truth in advertising, the show should really be called Dancing with the B-List Actors, Models, the High-Profile Football Guy (this year's entry, Michael Irvin!) and/or Race Car Driver, and People Who Are Trying to Jump Start Their Careers (which may be redundant).

Just say "no" to men in Speedo*

As many of you may have already heard or read, Alton Towers, the "UK's most thrilling theme park," recently decided to ban one not-so-thrilling attraction: men in skimpy Speedo bathing suits or similar form-fitting swim trunks.

"We feel this small brief style is not appropriate for a family venue so we are advising male bathers to wear more protective swimwear such as shorts," said Alton Towers Resort sales and marketing director Morwenna Angove. "We are also looking into offering complimentary male waxing, which will ensure we preserve the dignity of all our guests."

Although the resort is getting flack from certain female patrons (supposedly), the press, and the offending Speedo wearers, I say, amen. And I believe I am speaking for the majority of women when I say, Unless you are an Olympic swimmer or diver or male underwear or swimwear model (preferably in an Olympic venue or on a photo shoot, respectively), please keep your junk to yourself (or display only in the privacy of your home).

For the record, while I am anti-Speedo bikinis and thongs on men I am all for (or pro) a little manscaping and/or back waxing.

This has been a public service announcement.

*bikini and/or thong swimwear

Why I will not be celebrating National S'mores Day today

Don't get me wrong, I love s'mores -- both the "original" kind, where you roasted a marshmallow over an open fire and then slid it between two graham crackers and a square of chocolate before inserting into your mouth, and the Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor. But I hate when something you love, something so innocent and pure, suddenly becomes commercialized. (Yes, I'm talking to you, Kraft Foods, maker of Jet-Puffed Marshmallows and Honey Maid Grahams, and you, Hershey's.)

So, even though today is National S'mores Day, I will not be dipping my spoon into that container of Ben & Jerry's S'mores ice cream that is still sitting in my freezer. Nor will I be running to the supermarket to purchase a box of graham crackers, a bag of marshmallows, and chocolate. At least not today. Tomorrow, perhaps, but not today.

(Btw, for those of you interested in the history or origins of the s'more, according to several sources the first known recorded instance of the s'more was in the Girl Scout Handbook of 1927.)

UPDATED: I cannot believe I missed National Matzo Ball day last Thursday! (Okay, technically, it wasn't National Matzo Ball day, but it may as well have been. It's not every day you see a 267-pound kosher matzo ball. And it was for a good cause.) Though I did enjoy a lovely bowl of matzo ball soup on Saturday.

And at midnight tonight, I turn back into a housewife and mom

For tomorrow morning we go up to Massachusetts to retrieve our daughter from her three-week sleepaway program.

So long spontaneous evenings out, eating Ben & Jerry's S'mores ice cream and Cape Cod potato chips for dinner, drinking beer before seven o'clock, watching what we wanted to watch on TV, and lounging in bed in the morning. Sigh. Well, it was fun while it lasted. But already I can hear the clock chiming out midnight. (I just hope my Mini Cooper doesn't turn into a pumpkin, though the cats would be most happy to see some mice.)

Last night I cooked dinner (a delicious roast chicken with carrots, onions, garlic and rice) for the first time in nearly three weeks. And tomorrow I will be doing several loads of laundry... and mopping the floors... and scrubbing the toilets... and cleaning the ashes out of the fireplace... while Prince Charming is preparing one of our daughter's favorite meals (duck with cherry sauce and haricot verts) to welcome her home.

Don't get me wrong, I have missed our daughter terribly and look forward to seeing her smiling face and feeling her arms around me again, but it means that summer is nearly at an end, and that makes me sad. But tonight the spouse and I will drink a toast to summer, go see a movie, and feel grateful for all the good times we have had and those yet to come.

The end is (not as) near! (Maybe.)

First, the good news: According to a recent report in the New York Times, the Large Hadron Collider will not be making any black holes (or anything else, apparently) any time soon.

Now the bad news: According to a recent report in the New York Times, the Large Hadron Collider will not be making any black holes (or anything else, apparently) any time soon. (Okay, the part about the Large Hadron Collider not making any black holes is not bad news, but the fact that this $9 billion hunk of particle accelerating junk -- I mean expensive metal -- is still not operational, i.e., not colliding anything, after 15 years is.)

Now the REALLY bad news (if you consider Item #1 to be, in fact, good news): Due to the failure of or delay with the Large Hadron Collider over in Europe, good ole American scientists at Fermilab have been revving up the Tevatron, located under the Chicago suburb of Batavia, to more than 2000% of its original capacity. Definitely not good. (FYI: All you science geeks -- i.e., my male readers, especially those over at Potpourri for $500 -- can read more about the Tevatron here. You can also become a fan of the Tevatron and/or a fan of the Large Hadron Collider on Facebook.)

For those of you new to this blog, a bit of background: I am somewhat obsessed with the Large Hadron Collider, located under the border between Switzerland and France near Geneva, and have written many posts on the subject, though this one neatly sums up my feelings about the Large Hadron Collider's life-destroying potential. Which is why I breathed a big sigh of relief when I read it would be offline for at least a few more months, if not years, or indefinitely. But that relief was short lived.

Maybe it's just me, but does anyone else out there think replicating the Big Bang is a bad idea, especially when it has the potential to swallow up the Midwest (and the South and the North and the West of the United States, as well as Canada and Mexico, too)? Do we really need to be spending billions of dollars searching for "the God particle"?

Personally, I think the money would be much better spent creating a device that would help people find their keys and/or glasses. Or finding a cure for baldness -- the Big Bang of hair growth.

Got an opinion? Leave me a comment...

What type of Facebook friend are you?

According to Facebook, every day 120 million people log on to the site, 30 million of whom update their status at least once a day. Who are these Facebook users or "friends"? (Btw, the site actually has 250 million active users. They just don't all log on to the site every day.) And can you categorize them?

In answer to the first question, Facebook users are EVERYONE. And in many ways, they defy categorization. They are young. They are old. They are famous or famous in their own minds. They are your friends, your neighbors, your coworkers, your kids, your parents. The list goes on and on, but if you are reading this, chances are you are on Facebook.

And while some people defy categorization, I have taken a stab at categorizing certain Facebook users. (Note: My list is far from inclusive, nor is it meant to cast aspersions on anyone.) If this were one of those Facebook quizzes/applications, and maybe someone will turn it into one (and if you do, please link to this post or give credit to J. of J-TWO-O or http://jtwoo.blogspot.com), it would be called "What type of Facebook friend are you?"

The Chatty Patty. Can be male or female. The Chatty Patty wants you to know what he/she is doing throughout the day, loves when you comment on his/her updates, will often comment on others status and/or photos and/links, and will comment on comments.

The Class Clown. Likes to post funny status updates, links, videos, and photos and will post funny comments on other people's Facebook pages, updates, links, videos, and photos.

The Flack. Someone who mainly uses Facebook to promote his/her self, blog, or business.

The Hit-and-Run Poster. Has a Facebook account and dozens (or hundreds) of Facebook friends but rarely posts status updates or pictures or links or comments. When the Hit-and-Run Poster does post an update or comment, it tends to be very short and often esoteric. Also rarely responds to comments.

The Philosopher. Likes to quote philosophers, writers, musicians, etc. in status updates and when commenting on other people's posts.

The Procrastinator. Really should be working or doing something else, but, hey, this status update will just take a sec and you've just got to check out this link/photo/video. Often posts comments on friends' Facebook pages and sends them links. May be confused with the Chatty Patty or Class Clown.

The Robin Leach. For these Facebookers, life is (seemingly) all Champagne wishes and caviar dreams. (They also rarely, if ever, comment on the more mundane goings on of others.)

The Wallflower or Ghost. Similar to the Hit-and-Run Poster, the Wallflower or Ghost has many Facebook friends but never (or only very rarely) posts status updates or comments on other people's status updates or photos or links.

Jesus Christ has a radio show? Who knew?

Holy Host, Batman! First billboards, now this, His own eponymous talk radio show, The Jesus Christ Show. I guess He really wants to get the word out. (What's next, the Jesus Christ blog? Though actually, I just Googled "Jesus Christ blog" and got over 23,000,000 results. Wow, no wonder He is too busy to help the Mets make it to the playoffs. Though on the up side, now we have the answer to the question "What would Jesus blog?" )

But getting back to The Jesus Christ (radio) Show... just say hallelujah and turn the dial... to KFI AM 640 or Sirius XM Channel 158 Sunday mornings between 6 and 9 a.m. PT/9 a.m. to 12 p.m. ET. (Yes, I know He doesn't have as good a time slot as Rush Limbaugh or Dr. Laura, who share the dial with him, but He's working on it.)

Don't live in the Los Angeles area (more sinners per capita!) or have satellite radio? No worries. You can receive the Host via the Internet or on demand.

Amen.

[Slightly off topic: While trying to find just the right image of Him, as a radio talk show host (or Host), Google suggested I look for "Jesus Christ vampire hunter." Which, of course, I did. So, in addition to that big musical He did, where He was a Superstar, Jesus Christ now hunts vampires. Btw, the tagline for the original version of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter? "The first testament says 'an eye for an eye.' The second testament says 'love thy neighbour.' The third testament ... Kicks Ass!!!" The tagline for the Blu-ray edition? "The Power of Christ Impales You!!!" You can watch the trailer here.]