The Tiger Woods thing (UPDATED)

As we should all know by now, celebrities and professional athletes are not like you and I. So when golfer Tiger Woods crashed his Cadillac Escalade into a neighbor's tree and a fire hydrant at 2:25 a.m. this past Friday, in the exclusive gated community of Isleworth, outside of Orlando, Florida, where Woods lives with his beautiful wife, Elin, and their two young children, the police, instead of performing a breathalyzer or any kind of test on Woods, instead asked Woods for his autograph and escorted his ambulance to the hospital.

Okay, I have no idea if the autograph and escort part is true, but from the various reports I have read, I wouldn't doubt it.

Since the accident, a lot of rumors have been floating around the Internet, on TV, in the tabloids and in the more supposedly "legitimate" newspapers as to "what really happened that night," and whether Elin Nordegren Woods had actually used that golf club to smash the back windows of her husband's Escalade to get the semi-conscious Tiger out of the vehicle, as is the Woods family's public line, or if she had used it on Tiger prior to (i.e., resulting in) his getting into the vehicle and smashing it into his neighbor's tree and a nearby fire hydrant at 2:25 a.m., as is being privately (and not-so-privately) bandied about.

Woods has declined to discuss the accident, with the Florida Highway Patrol or anyone else, saying it is a "private matter." Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. I'm not a lawyer. (And those of you are versed in this area of law, please feel free to chime in in the comments.) But I do know that if the driver of that vehicle had been some guy named Tim Woods, particularly some black guy named Tim Woods, the incident would not be a "private matter," nor would the cops have gone so easy on the guy. At the very least they would have administered a breathalyzer test or checked for alcohol or drugs.

What do I think caused Tiger to flee his house at 2:25 a.m. right after Thanksgiving and crash his car? Let's just say I don't think he was running to the store to get a quart of milk. Clearly it was either a) a domestic dispute; b) he was out of it (due to alcohol or drugs) and not thinking straight; and/or c) he was going off to meet someone on an urgent matter that couldn't wait -- which caused or was the result of a) and/or b).

Btw, if it was a "domestic dispute" over Tiger possibly being involved with another woman, would any of you be surprised to find out Woods had been driving on someone else's fairway or sinking his balls into a hole on some other, shall we say, course? If you are, you are hopelessly naive. As a good male friend once told me, there are only three reasons a guy doesn't cheat: lack of opportunity; lack of libido; and fear. Even if he has a wife as beautiful and sexy and Swedish as the former Elin Nordegren.

Frankly, I really don't care what caused the accident. I just find Woods' behavior/response underwhelming, to say the least. As a result, I believe the damage to his reputation will be (some say already is) worse than the damage he inflicted upon himself or his car, especially with the announcement that we would not be participating in the Chevron World Challenge, a charity event Woods sponsors, nor any other tournaments this year.

So, what do you think about the Tiger Woods thing? Leave me a comment.

UPDATED at 3:20 p.m.: Check out this column by the Washington Post's Sally Jenkins. I thought Jenkins nailed it.

UPDATED at 3:38 p.m.: The Florida Highway Patrol has cited Tiger Woods for careless driving, which carries a $164 fine and four points against his driver’s license. And so ends the story, at least as far as the Florida Highway Patrol is concerned. You can read more about this here.

UPDATED 12/2/09: Apparently "being human" or "not perfect" means cheating on your wife while she is pregnant with you child, or pretty much any time your on the road and are feeling horny. Btw, I am not at all surprised, just a bit sad. I mean, if a gorgeous blonde Swede can't hold onto her man, what hope is there for the rest of us? Oh, and those guys who've been calling into all the sports talk shows tut-tutting Tiger? It's all B.S. If they were in Tiger Woods' position they would have done the exact same thing.

Tiger Woods kicks off 2010 Mea Culpa Tour with press conference

Tomorrow at 11 a.m. ET at the Clubhouse at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra, Florida, golfer Tiger Woods will be kicking off the 2010 Tiger Woods Mea Culpa Tour.

Already generating the kind of buzz only befitting perhaps the world's greatest golfer and philanderer of our time, the Tiger Woods 2010 Mea Culpa Tour is also scheduled to stop at The TODAY Show (co-host Matt Lauer is an avid golfer) and on Oprah Winfrey's couch -- and no doubt at several major upcoming PGA tournaments. (The Master's begins just after Easter. Watch Tiger rise up and ascend to golfing heaven!)

Interestingly, according to National Enquirer executive editor Barry Levine (as reported on ESPN's E:60), the whole Tiger Woods mistress story was almost a non-story. Almost. As we all know what eventually happened. (Fore!)

Me, I don't really care about Tiger. Yeah, I'm a bit disappointed that the image was far from the reality. But that's the problem with our celebrity- and athlete-worshiping culture. We forget that celebrities are just actors and athletes are not heroes. They are just people who are really good at what they do -- and happen to get a lot of press coverage.

I just hope that Tiger's little coming out party won't hurt sales of the Tiger Woods Mistress Commemorative Plate Collection. (Order your set today! Supplies are limited!)



Note: For a more serious take on -- and good insight into -- Tiger Woods's upcoming no-questions-asked "press conference" check out PR Guru Peter Shankman's blog. (Shankman is also scheduled to talk about Tiger on Fox tomorrow at 11:10. But I won't hold that against him.) I also liked Richard Sandomir's article for The New York Times, "Woods Blazes a New Trail for the Celebrity Apology."

UPDATED 2/19/2010: Watched the Tiger Woods press conference and composed the following haikus:

Where were the show girls?
"Sorry" no longer hardest word.
Sorry, Elton John.

Tiger the Buddhist
Meditates on his options
Sticks it to Brit Hume

Tiger Does Augusta

[Alternate title: "Tiger Woods, Masters Bait"]

I, for one, am glad to see Tiger Woods back playing golf. Not because it gives me yet another opportunity to blog about the "sex-addicted" golfer but because, let's be honest, watching golf is way more fun/interesting when Tiger Woods is playing. And let's face it. Before Rachel and Jamie and Cori and Loredana, there was golf, Tiger's first and really only mistress.

But getting back to the Masters, which starts today, I have to say I am disappointed by Tiger's grouping with K.J. Choi and Matt Kuchar. Where's the drama? You want to ensure sky-high ratings, ESPN and CBS? You should have asked the PGA (or the folks at Augusta National) to pair Woods with Phil Mickelson and Jesper Parnevik (aka the golfer who introduced Tiger to his wife, Elin).

And speaking of ESPN and CBS, while Tiger's return to golf, at the Masters no less, poses no problem to me in terms of how to cover it, it has been posing some thorny (horny?) questions to those media organizations officially covering the Masters, as discussed in this Associated Press article.

My solution, why mention Tiger's infidelity at all? Just play the chorus of Britney Spears's song "Womanizer" whenever the camera pans to Woods.



Btw, if Tiger wants to take some of the pressure/coverage off himself, maybe he should ask his buddy, Henrik Stenson, to play a few holes in the Nike compression shorts Woods gave him after Stenson played part of the back nine at last year's CA Championship/Doral Open in his boxer briefs.

And now, let the PGA-sanctioned fore-play begin!

UPDATED 4/11/10: For those of you who (like me) didn't catch Saturday Night Live last night, you missed this great sketch with Tina Fey playing Las Vegas model and Tiger Woods expert Ashlyn St. Cloud doing commentary (and no doubt a few of the golfers) at the Masters:



Btw, so much for Tiger imploding. Going into the fourth and final day of the Masters, Woods is only four strokes off the leader, Lee Westwood, who's at -12 -- with Phil Mickelson in second place at -11. Going to be another great day of golf.

UPDATED AGAIN: Tiger Woods finishes tied for fourth with a very respectable -11 for the tournament. But the big winner is Phil Mickelson. I still have tears in my eyes from seeing him hug his caddy and then his wife, Amy, and his adorable blond children. (Please let me not find out Lefty is a cheater. It will break my heart.) All in all, an amazing golf tournament. Dare I say, masterful?

Why I'm rooting for Tiger at the Masters

What a difference two years makes in our celebrity-and-infidelity-obsessed world.

At the 2010 Masters Tournament, a lot of people were hoping serial adulterer Tiger Woods would fail -- as punishment for his off-the-golf-course sins.

Now, two years later, many folks -- and not just the folks at CBS and ESPN, which is airing the Masters in 3D* -- are rooting for Tiger to win the Masters, or at least make things interesting. And I am one of them, just as I was two years ago.














Why am I rooting for Tiger Woods to make the cut -- and make a run for the green jacket? Because I like to watch Tiger Woods play golf. Golf tournaments are just more fun to watch when Tiger is in the hunt. Just as basketball was more fun to watch when Michael Jordan played. Because it is human nature to admire those who can do things we can only dream of doing.

Did Tiger Woods screw up in his personal life? Absolutely.

Did he disappoint fans? You bet.

Does winning take care of everything**?  Pretty much. At least when it comes to sports. (Though it depends on what you mean by everything.)

So does that mean that if Woods wins the Masters people should once again treat him like some kind of hero? Hell no! (Unless he starts rescuing people from burning buildings or getting adorable kittens out of trees.)

Indeed, if anything, we need to stop treating athletes -- and actors and musicians and rich people -- like gods or heroes to be blindly worshiped and just admire them for their accomplishments and skills. And realize that despite their great gift(s), they are still human -- and bound to make mistakes.

Now go get 'em, Tiger!

*3D coverage? Really? How is that going to work? You sending people 3D glasses? Cause I didn't get mine.

** That's the controversial quote that appeared on a Nike ad featuring Tiger Woods, just after Woods reclaimed his World #1 ranking in golf a couple of weeks ago.

UPDATED 6:53 P.M. ET: Tiger finished the first round two under par (-2) at 70 and is six strokes behind the leaders, Sergio Garcia and Marc Leishman. Phil Mickelson finished one under (-1) and Rory McIlroy at even par (72). (You can check out the Masters Tournament Leaderboard here.)  

Tiger Woods the father of Al Gore's love child

Oh wait. That's not right. Tiger Woods is -- allegedly -- the father of porn star -- I mean adult film actress -- Devon James' nine-year-old son, Austin T. James. (Guess what the "T." stands for!) Per the story that has been making the rounds in the tabloids, James had an affair with Woods (though really, who hasn't?) back in 2000, got preggers, and decided not to tell Woods until the kid (who bares a striking resemblance to Tiger Woods) was six. For those interested, you can read more about the story here.

Al Gore, on the other hand, has allegedly been having a two or three-year affair with Laurie David, the mother of his Oscar-winning baby, An Inconvenient Truth. David, the now ex-wife of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm producer Larry David, however, denies the "rumor," which was first "reported" by Star Magazine (and quickly spread by the likes of The New York Daily News -- and everyone else). Because she was actually having an affair with Tiger Woods. (Okay, I made that one up. Though you never know.)

In other hot (totally meaningless) gossip, Bristol Palin, daughter of former half-term governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, is supposedly getting it on again with her baby daddy Levi Johnston, per Us Magazine. If it's true, I say "Good for them!"

Phew. I think that's enough hot gossip for one blog post, my 500th!

I now return you to your life...

The rehabilitation of Tiger Woods?

It's been a little over three years now since Tiger Woods' multiple infidelities were revealed and his reputation was severely damaged, some said irreparably.

And while Tiger did not disappear from the golf scene, the sport that made him a star, televised golf tournaments were probably the only place you would have seen him over the last three years.

But as those of us in PR know, three years is an eternity in our celebrity- and celebrity athlete-obsessed culture. (Heck, few of us can remember last month's celebrity or other scandal, let alone something that happened three years ago. And even if we can remember it, or are reminded, chances are we are apathetic about it at best.)

Now Eldrick "Tiger" Woods is back, in a new Nike Golf ad titled "No Cup Is Safe" with fellow golfer Rory McIlroy -- the current top-ranked golfer in the world who is also considered very likeable. And the video has gone viral.



[I don't know about all of you, but the Nike Golf "No Cup Is Safe" ad totally reminds me of this classic McDonald's spot featuring Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.]

So is one ad, albeit a very amusing one, enough to rehabilitate Tiger's tarnished image? Maybe. Maybe not. But if Tiger starts winning tournaments again, I have no doubt the sponsors will be lining up -- and all will be forgiven.

May I interest you in a good book?

Read many good books the last few months (and a few not-so-good books, many of which I could not finish).

Following are my favorites, divided into Fiction and Non-Fiction.

As per usual, I've linked each book title to its Amazon page, where you can read a more in-depth description and see other readers' reviews -- and buy the book, if you so choose.

I also welcome your suggestions. So if you've read a good book recently, please leave a comment with the name and title and a brief description.  

Fabulous Fiction 

The Swinger by Michael Bamberger and Alan Shipnuck. Written by two senior writers for Sports Illustrated, who clearly know golf (and Tiger Woods), the book is basically a fictionalized -- and highly entertaining -- account of golfer Tiger Woods' fall from grace. Though the Tiger Woods character in the book, Herbert "Tree" X. Tremont, is far more sympathetic. And while I enjoy watching golf, and was a big Tiger fan back in the day, you don't need to be a golfer or a Tiger hater (or lover) or a guy to enjoy this book, though it helps.

The Time in Between by Maria Dueñas. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to live through the Spanish Civil War or the Second World War in Spain, or Morocco, but thanks to Maria Dueñas' beautiful prose, I almost can -- in a good way. Told from the point of view of a young dressmaker, whose world is turned upside down several times by misfortune and war, The Time in Between is a story of fortitude, friendship, and fashion. It is also one of my new favorite books. Couldn't put it down.

Juliet by Anne Fortier. Reading this book made me want to book a flight to Siena, Italy, pronto. A tale of two sisters, the search for the real Romeo and Juliet, intrigue, hidden treasure, romance, and Italy! What more do you people ("people" as in women) want from a book? The perfect beach or hammock or vacation read.

The Twelfth Enchantment by David Liss. Although set in Regency England, and populated with romantic characters (such as Lord Byron), The Twelfth Enchantment is not a romance novel (and not just because there is not a bare-chested duke nor a buxom lass on the cover). Rather, it is a work of historical fiction -- with an occult/fantasy twist -- concerning the Industrial Revolution and the Luddites... and witches (or cunning folk) and fairies and spirits. If you enjoy historical fiction, as well as fantasy books, I highly recommend The Twelfth Enchantment.

The Very Picture of You by Isabel Wolff. As a fan of Wolff's previous novel, A Vintage Affair, I looked forward to reading The Very Picture of You -- and it did not disappoint. This time the main character is a portraitist in her mid-30s, who, as she learns about her subjects' lives learns things about herself and her family. Anglophiles, lovers of chick lit, and those with an artistic soul should enjoy this book (whose target audience is women in the their 30s and 40s), which is an easy read.

Noteworthy Non-Fiction

Gilded: How Newport Became America’s Richest Resort by Deborah Davis. I love a good,descriptive subtitle,don't you? After reading Davis's book, Strapless (a fabulous biography of John Singer Sargent and Madame X), I was eager to see what else she had written, and picked up Gilded. Told in vignettes, Gilded neatly captures the Gilded Age history and characters of Newport, Rhode Island, though it also includes Newport tales from more recent times (including that of Sunny and Claus von Bulow). Filled with wonderful anecdotes and pictures, Gilded inspired me and a friend (who also read book) to drive to Newport and visit some of the "cottages" mentioned.

The Hare with the Amber Eyes by Edmund de Waal. Part art history, part memoir, The Hare with the Amber Eyes is one man's poignant search for the family history behind a set of Japanese netsuke (wood and ivory carvings) he inherited, which takes him to Paris and Vienna and Odessa. As a Jew, I was heartsick reading about the treatment of the Jews, even prominent ones, such as the author's great-grandparents and their extended family, in the early through mid-1900s in Europe, particularly in France and Austria, where much of the book takes place. A must read for lovers of art history, memoirs, and/or Europe before and during the Second World War.

(An interesting aside: Not long ago I read The Luncheon of the Boating Party, about Renoir's famous picture of the same name, which I loved. And one of the featured characters was an art connoisseur by the name of Charles Ephrussi, who happens to be Edmund de Waal's relative and is featured prominently, in a much different way, in The Hare with the Amber Eyes.)

Rogues’ Gallery: The Secret Story of the Lust, Lies, Greed, and Betrayals That Made the Metropolitan Museum of Art by Michael Gross. Hooray for subtitles! They make my job so much easier. Love the Met? Like a fun, gossipy read? Check out Rogues' Gallery. While I felt like I was slogging through the first half (or third) of the book, things definitely pick up when Gross gets to the mid-20th Century goings on at the venerable museum. Filled with interesting personalities and behind-the-scenes intrigue at one of the world's great museums, Rogues' Gallery is a must read for art history majors, New Yorkers, people who worked or volunteered at the Met (like me!), and anyone who ever wanted to know what it is like to attend one of the Costume Institute shindigs.

Marilyn Monroe: The Biography by Donald Spoto. I picked up Spoto's biography of Marilyn Monroe because I am huge fan of Smash on NBC and didn't really know that much about the Blonde Bombshell, though I've seen most of her movies (several times). And although it's depressing as Hell, Marilyn Monroe: The Biography is a very well researched biography, albeit too focused on Marilyn's psychiatric care and death for my taste, that exposes the many myths surrounding Monroe's life, romances, and death. Fascinating.

Desert Queen: The Extraordinary Life of Gertrude Bell: Adventurer, Adviser to Kings, Ally of Lawrence of Arabia by Janet Wallach. Before stumbling upon this book at my local library, I had no idea who Gertrude Bell was or anything about the history or formation of Iraq. Boy, was this book an eye opener. The incredible story of an incredible woman, Desert Queen shows how (and why) things went so terribly wrong in the Middle East -- then and now -- and why any Western attempts to "fix things" or bring democracy to that region will most likely fail. To repeat myself, fascinating.

Note: To see previous Book Nook posts, click on the "Book Nook" label, below, or click on the "Book Recommendations" link in the right-hand column.

How to choose a mistress

It has come to my attention recently that what really bothers most people (i.e., MEN) about the Tiger Woods "scandal" is not that he was cheating on his wife but how incredibly stupid he was in regard to how he conducted his affairs ("He's a graduate of STANFORD, for Chrissakes!") and with whom he conducted them. ("She was on a REALITY show! What did you expect?!")

So for all you men out there who are contemplating having an affair, particularly if you are a celebrity, I offer you the following tips on how to properly choose a mistress -- so your text and voice mail messages** won't wind up being published by TMZ or US Weekly or being broadcast on CNN, Fox, or MSNBC, and your wife won't receive any embarrassing letters describing your anatomy.

How to Choose a Mistress

1. Avoid women who seem way too eager to get in your pants (or vice versa) -- especially those who show or offer you their panties. (See "Monica Lewinsky.")

2. Never have sex with a woman who has been on a reality show, who wants to be on a reality show, or for whom reality shows are considered "must-see" TV.

3. Avoid nightclub managers, waitresses, and/or aspiring models, actresses, and singers -- or anyone who offers you her 8 x 10 glossy.

4. Similarly, steer clear of name droppers, celebrity seekers, and star f_ckers, or anyone who has ever dated a celebrity, professional athlete, famous figure, or titan of industry, especially if she has dated more than one of these (or claims to have).

5. Do not have sexual relations with women who are your direct reports or who stand to gain or lose position or salary from getting it on with you (unless you are David Letterman).

6. And whatever you do, do NOT mess around with your wife's best friend, sister, or that neighbor she's always chatting with.

7. Make sure your ho is not on any prescription medication -- or should be.

8. Avoid single women and/or women with nothing to lose. And while you're at it, avoid married women with husbands bigger, richer, or meaner than you.

9. Steer clear of women who are always texting. (What exactly is it you think they are texting all their friends? The weather report?)

10. Similarly, steer clear of women with Facebook and/or Twitter accounts, or who have their own blog, or who can type for that matter.

Other helpful hints:

* Always wear a condom.

* Never leave a paper or electronic trail.

* Don't cheat in the first place.

** Herewith, Tiger Woods' voicemail message to his mistress, asking her to take her name off her phone, set to music:



Bonus video: Stephen Colbert on Tiger Woods and his lack of respect for the sanctity of mistress:

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Bernie Madoff sent to jail; Levi Johnston sent packing; Tiger Woods heaven sent

Big news day, folks! And frankly, I am not sure which of these stories is making the mainstream media (MSM) and blogosphere giddier. Is it:

a) Ponzi scheme millionaire Bernard Madoff pleading guilty and being immediately sent to jail (after telling the judge how sorry and ashamed he was -- no doubt for getting caught)?

b) Bristol Palin (the teenage daughter of Alaska Governor and erstwhile GOP VP candidate Sarah Palin) and fiance Levi Johnston calling it quits?

Or

c) Tiger Woods playing in his first major after nearly a year's absence (thanks to knee surgery)? (Apparently, golf fans everywhere are thrilled Tiger is back, as, no doubt, are the PGA and the networks covering golf, all of which have suffered because of Tiger's absence.)

What's that you say? What about the continuing economic crisis? Or the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? Or the healthcare crisis? Pshaw! No one wants to hear about those Debbie Downer stories. The public craves vengeance (Madoff), gossip (the Palins -- and how about that Meghan McCain mouthing off about Ann Coulter?! You go girl! Though what's with the motorcycle cap?), and the return of a legend (Tiger!)!

So getting back to the real news of the day, here are my thoughts:

a) Where are Bernie's billions? Apparently the money isn't in his personal bank accounts. So where is it? The guy could not have just blown through $50 billion. Would also still like to see him tarred and feathered.

b) So why did Bristol and Levi split? They say it was mutual, but you don't really believe that, do you? And who's taking care of the kid(s)? And when did "nanny" become a bad word?

c) I don't really have a lot to say about Tiger's return to golf, except YEA! I've always been a big Tiger fan and will probably watch the final rounds of the Doral, but I have no idea how he'll do. Still early days.

Thoughts? Leave me a comment.

Frosty the Inappropriate Snowman

Et tu, Frosty? I guess Tiger Woods isn't the only famous figure who secretly frequented "gentleman's clubs" during the off season and liked to get it on with the ladies, lots and lots of ladies. But Frosty? Sniff. Next thing you know we'll be hearing that Santa's been getting it on with some cute little elf.

Btw, what you are about to see is real (i.e., actual CBS on-air promos). So brace yourselves.



I don't know if I will never be able to watch "Frosty the Snowman" again (or not). Thanks for nothing, CBS.

Seriously, I wonder who the now former employee in CBS's promotions department thought it would be hysterical to jointly promote that tender family classic "Frosty the Snowman" with CBS's raunchy hit show "How I Met Your Mother" -- with an on-air R-rated mashup featuring the voice of Neil Patrick Harris (as "How I Met Your Mother" lothario Barney Stimpson) as Frosty, discussing porn, breasts, and lethal injections.

Slightly O/T: Speaking of Tiger Woods, apparently not a single commercial featuring Tiger has aired -- not on cable, not on network TV -- since November 29. Vedy intehrestink.

Football! Beer! Sex! Pumpkin pie!

Finally, a blog post for everyone.

First, football. (And ladies, if you are not interested in me talking about a bunch of guys with no necks and upper arms the size of your waist in too-tight short pants constantly touching and trying to tackle each other all for a little pigskin, just scroll down the page a wee bit. I promise you will not be disappointed.)

So football. As many of you already know, yesterday afternoon the big story here in the New York City Metro Area (and probably in Tennessee, too, albeit for different reasons) was the New York Jets mowing down undefeated Tennessee for a Titan-ic upset (think crop duster and Cary Grant in "North by Northwest"). The stunning 34 - 13 upset now gives the Jets an 8 - 3 record, leaving them securely atop the AFC East. (Well, at least for another week.) Who'd a thunk it?

And, while I admit I am a wee bit disappointed that the Jets did not wear their New York Titans uniforms, I am not disappointed in the least with Brett Favre (who now has the most passing touchdowns in NFL history, passing Dan Marino -- and yes, probably the most picks, too), Leon Washington (that guy can MOVE), Laveranues (I rest my case) Coles, and the rest of Gang Green's performance today. Well done, Jets, well done.

As for the New York Giants... 10 and 1, baby -- and still leading the NFC! Giants. Could. Go. All. The. Way. (The crowd goes wild. Okay, I go wild. And the spouse. And, okay, probably several million Giants fans watching the G-Men put away the Arizona Cardinals last night, Eastern Time). Final score, 37 - 29. And they got it done without my man, Brandon Jacobs, who sat out the game with a knee injury; without Plaxico Burress, who had hamstring problems; and without David Tyree, the guy who made that amazing (and memorable) Super Bowl XLII catch. But you would have hardly known anyone was missing the way the Giants played yesterday.

I am definitely smelling Super Bowl (though it could just be leftover beer from last year's team-changing Big Game, which was also played at University of Phoenix Stadium).

And speaking of leftover beer...

As some of my readers may remember, this summer, while biking in the Pacific Northwest, I was introduced to Fat Tire Amber Ale, and quickly became addicted*. This addiction quickly turned into obsession when, upon my return to the Northeast, I discovered, you cannot get Fat Tire in the Northeast. Bereft and distraught (after discovering I could not even get New Belgium Brewing to ship me a case, nor could I find someone online who would ship me some), my dear friend, T. from B., who as far as I know isn't even that into beer, then took it upon herself to purchase and have shipped to me 20 22 oz. bottles of this nectar of the beer gods.

Beautiful, are they not? Talk about Drinkability. Mm mm.

Well, sadly, we are now down to eight bottles, two of which we are saving to give to my stepfather, who relishes a good beer, in a couple weeks. (And no, T. from B., this does NOT mean you need to order me more. Your original gift was more than generous.)

Besides, you know what too much beer leads to, right? Sex. Well, if you are lucky, guys. You know what else can lead to sex? Doing the dishes. (Hey, my man Obama is no fool.)

Just look at that picture. Is that sexy or what? Ladies, you know what I am talking about. The best part? I did not even have to ask the spouse to clean those filthy oven racks. He just donned his bright orange latex gloves and started scrubbing away, while our oven was self cleaning and we were watching the Jets game (see above). I think that behavior deserves a reward.

Which is why I made this:

That be mighty fine pie -- topped with the best homemade whipped cream you never had. (My secret: rum. And vanilla. Hmm. Guess it's not a secret anymore.)

Okay, technically, I made this delicious-looking (and tasting!) pumpkin pie because our neighbors (both of whom are Giants and Fat Tire fans) invited us over for a pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving feast yesterday, and we were tasked with bringing a pie and a vegetable. (I made a big autumn salad, even though it feels more like winter.) Also, the kid's been pestering me to make a pumpkin pie for years.

In all, it was a mighty fine Sunday. A win-win-win. (Great football. Great food. Great fun.)

Coming up next on J-TWO-O, things I am thankful for. Stay tuned...

12 NOON OFF-TOPIC UPDATE: This just in: Tiger Woods will no longer be forced to drive a Buick. According to reports, GM will no longer use Woods as a pitchman after this year, which is reportedly fine by Tiger as he hated being taken for an eighty-something driver and wearing those funny driving caps.

*A clarification: I am not technically addicted to Flat Tire (or any other beer or form of alcohol), though it sure felt that way during the latter part of the summer. It was a TURN OF PHRASE, a bit of hyperbole. Happy now, J1?

Apparently Henrik Stenson has the balls to play golf

The big story out of the Doral Open (aka the CA Championship) this past week was not the return of Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson's masterful play but this guy, Henrik Stenson*, a 32-year-old Swedish golfer who clearly has balls. [SEE BOTTOM -- of post -- FOR THE LATEST ON HENRIK!]

After hitting his ball (the official one) into a bog on the 12th, Stenson, not wishing to take a double bogey or muddy his attire, stripped down to his skivvies to recover his ball -- and game. (Just keep pretending to look at the scorecard, sweetheart.)

"Because of the mud I couldn't really afford to play in any of my clothes as they would have been a real mess down the last six or so holes so I had no option," Stenson explained. Uh huh.

Stenson's final score for the round, a three under 69.

All I can say is J-TWO-O will now be covering (or uncovering) Mr. Stenson a lot more often.

UPDATED 3/15/09 at 11:15 A.M.: Just saw this amusing post titled "Five Golfers We Hope Pull A Henrik Stenson (And Five We Don’t)" and wanted to share. Agree? Disagree? Got some names to add to either list? Let me know via a comment. Btw, I'll be watching the CA Championship (when did it stop being the Doral Open?) this afternoon, and will let you know if I spot any near-naked golfers. (That Nick Watney looks kinda cute... )

UPDATED 3/16/09 at 7:40 A.M.: Apparently, clothing encumbers Mr. Stenson's play as he shot 73, 73, and 83 the remaining rounds of the CA Championship, putting him practically in last place for the tournament (though still first in many female hearts). As expected (?) "Lefty" Phil Mickelson, he of the "man boobs," finished first, though relative newbie Nick Watney put up a strong fight, finishing second. (Tiger finished nine strokes back.) As for me, I hope we will be seeing more of Mr. Stenson in future golf tournaments.

UPDATED 5/11/09: HENRIK STENSON WINS A MAJOR, THE PLAYERS -- FULLY CLOTHED!!! Apparently Henrik Stenson has both the balls and the wood to win a major, as he did, decisively yesterday (Sunday). With a bogey-free round of 6-under 66, putting him four shots ahead of the pack, the fully-clothed Stenson won THE PLAYERS Championship, making him the first Swede to do so. For more about Stenson's win at THE PLAYERS, click here.


*For more pictures of Mr. Stenson in the buff -- I mean rough -- click on the link.

I personally am hoping to see Henrik Stenson in a green jacket...

and nothing else at Augusta on Sunday, though I suppose I would also be OK if Tiger Woods, who gifted Stenson with a pair of autographed white Nike compression shorts at a recent tournament, wins (and/or disrobed).

For the record, Stenson finished the first round of the Masters fully clothed at one under par (71), six strokes behind current leader Chad Campbell (-7) and one behind Tiger (-2). However there is a 50 percent chance of precipitation today at Augusta, so things could get pretty muddy pretty fast. And you know what that could mean...

In any case, I am looking forward to some fore play this weekend -- and will be following the live coverage (or uncoverage) of the Masters, which begins at 4 p.m. today on ESPN.

Would you like that booty call with or without fries?

Sure, I could have blogged about Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger getting suspended for six games. (Good call, Roger Goodell.) Or I could have blogged about the exotic new coffee from Indonesia and the Philippines that is literally good to the last drop(ping). Or I could have done a witty post about how volcanoes are a real pain in the ash.

But I didn't.

Instead I am blogging about booty call songs, specifically Lady Antebellum's "Need You Now," because we have ALL been there and done that (and by blogging about it maybe it will stop playing on my mental jukebox)...

Lady Antebellum   More CMT Music   More CMT Music Videos

and Timbaland's "Carry Out," featuring Justin Timberlake (in the role of Tiger Woods), another current ear worm that will never have me looking at fast food in the same way again:



How come my iHop waitresses never look like that?

And in other news...

Though you might not realize it watching NBC (and its cable affiliates), there have been other big news stories this week besides the Olympics. In cased you missed them, here are a few that caught my eye, though may not have caught yours.

If Tiger Woods ran the Olympics.... Apparently the International Pole Dancing Fitness Association, professional pole dancers, and "supporters" of the "sport," have been petitioning the International Olympic Committee to make pole dancing (which, contrary to what some of you may be thinking, does not involve Polish athletes doing a traditional folk dance) an Olympic sport by the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio (which seems a more appropriate venue than London). And according to this article from the Associated Press, the petition to make pole dancing an Olympic sport has a lot of support. I bet it does.

They're called "killer" whales for a reason.... On Wednesday, while petting Orca Tilikum during the midday Shamu Show at SeaWorld in Orlando, trainer Dawn Brancheau was grabbed by the killer whale and taken for an unscheduled swim around the pool, drowning in the process, despite efforts to get the whale to release her. I cannot imagine how horrifying this must have been for Brancheau, her fellow trainers, and all those watching. The mere thought of it makes me sick. Almost equally horrifying is the fact that this whale was still at SeaWorld, as this was not the first time Tilikum had mauled someone to death, and the whale was considered so unstable or ornery that trainers had been repeatedly told to not get in the water with or near him. Yet another senseless, avoidable death, caused by man's need to tame and master nature at all costs.

Scientists discover Dick Cheney has a heart.... For those who hadn't heard, Dick Cheney was just released from a Washington hospital after suffering his fifth heart attack in just over 30 years. Cheney would have been released sooner, said a spokesman, but it took doctors days to realize the small, hard coal-like object on the left side of his chest was actually his heart.

New eligibility requirement being considered for President.... If newly elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown gets his way, there will soon be a new eligibility requirement for President of the United States: must have good jump shot. In what many are haling as a preview of the 2012 Presidential Election, Senator Brown has challenged President Barack Obama to a two-on-two hoops match at the White House, with Brown's daughter (former American Idol semi-finalist and Boston College guard) Ayla standing in for former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his second.

How to choose a (discreet) mistress + tips for avoiding detection

Three years ago, in the wake of the Tiger Woods' scandal, I wrote this post titled "How to choose a mistress." If only General David Petraeus (and so many others) read my blog.

Now, as a public service to all married politicians, top military brass, celebrities, athletes, and CEOs (current and aspiring), I have updated the blog post, adding useful tips such as how to hide your private correspondence. Herewith, A Guide to Choosing a (Discreet) Mistress. (You're welcome.)

A Guide to Choosing a (Discreet) Mistress

1. Avoid women who seem way too eager to get in your pants (or vice versa) -- especially those who show or offer you their panties (see "Monica Lewinsky"), want to videotape you for posterity even though they have questionable video skills (see "Rielle Hunter"), or write a biography of you even though they have never written a book before (see "Paula Broadwell").

2. Never have sex with a woman who has been on a reality show, who wants to be on a reality show, or for whom reality shows are considered "must-see" TV.

3. Similarly, steer clear of name droppers, celebrity seekers, and star f_ckers, or anyone who has ever dated a celebrity, professional athlete, famous figure, or titan of industry, especially if she has dated more than one of these (or claims to have).

4. Do not have sexual relations with women who are your direct reports or who stand to gain or lose position or salary from getting it on with you (unless you are David Letterman).

5. Do not mess around with your wife's best friend, sister, or that neighbor she's always chatting with -- unless you want a really messy and expensive divorce. And for God's sake, man, do not screw the nanny, au pair, or babysitter. (That is so cliche.)

6. Make sure your ho is not on any prescription medication -- or should be.

7. Avoid single women and/or married women who are looking for an escape goat.

8. Steer clear of women who are always texting or posting shit on Facebook or Twitter. (What exactly is it you think they are texting or tweeting all their friends, stock market tips?)

9. Above all, avoid the jealous type. (See Fatal Attraction.)

Other helpful hints:

* Always wear a condom -- and make sure she's on the pill.

* Never leave a paper or electronic trail. Sharing a Gmail account and leaving drafts for each other? So five years ago. (Here's how to properly hide or keep private private correspondence, which was sent to me by the spouse. Hmm...)

* Do no flirt with another woman in your mistress's presence or with someone she might possibly know -- and for God's sake don't cheat on your mistress. (A woman scorned....)

* Don't cheat in the first place.

Jets, Giants win again... Change you can click on... And what is it with old people and Buicks?

Obama won. Jets won. Giants won. Really, does it get any better than this?

Barack Obama is now going to be our #1 (or our Numero Uno, for all my Spanish-speaking readers) when it comes to government and/or governance. And thanks to their wins this weekend, both the Jets (who slaughtered the St. Louis Rams, 47 - 3) and the Giants (who clipped the Philadelphia Eagles, 36 - 31) are now number one in their respective conference divisions. (Okay, okay. For you purists, aka New England Patriots fans, the Jets are technically tied for first in the AFC East right now. But considering where they were last year, this is HUGE. And the Giants, with an 8 - 1 record, lead the National Football Conference outright. Take that Cowboys and Redskins fans.)

I am still waiting for my official post-election Obama-Biden t-shirt, but in the meantime I am showing my support for my other favorite teams.

Btw, speaking of the president elect and his new administration, I invite and recommend you all to visit Barack Obama's new website, Change.gov, where you can read the latest news about the country's next executive team, share your election/campaign stories, and even apply for a job with the Obama administration (which I did over the weekend -- keep your fingers crossed for me!).

Lastly (and having nothing to do with Obama, the Jets, or the Giants), What the heck is it about seventy- and eightysomethings and Buicks?! I nearly got run over by some white-haired granny in a big blue (circa 1990?) Buick this morning in the parking lot at Whole Foods, and this wasn't the first time. Over the weekend, I got stuck behind another elderly woman, driving an older "Champagne" or "Cashmere"-colored Buick, who illegally turned right in front of me, then practically stopped dead, then again not using a turn signal turned left after waiting what seemed like forever at a stop sign.

I know Tiger Woods, 31, has been the or a spokesperson for Buick since 1999, but I dare you to find me one Buick driver under the age of 50.

That's all for now. Just remember to drive safely -- and check out Change.gov.

Henrik Stenson apparently has both the balls AND the wood to win a major

THIS JUST IN: HENRIK STENSON WINS THE PLAYERS -- FULLY CLOTHED!!!

Apparently Henrik Stenson has both the balls and the wood to win a major, as he did, decisively, yesterday (Sunday). With a bogey-free round of six under 66, putting him four shots ahead of the pack, the fully-clothed Stenson won THE PLAYERS Championship, making him the first Swede to do so.

As you all may recall, from the March CA Championship (formerly known as The Doral Open), Stenson stripped down to his skivvies in order not to muddy his clothes after hitting his golf ball into a bog on the 12th -- and scored a three under 69 for the round. However, fully attired, his play suffered. Indeed, despite some masterful strokes at this year's Masters, Stenson quickly faded from the leaderboard.

But now I am happy to say, Mr. Stenson has nicely recovered -- and has an autographed pair of Tiger Woods's Nike compression shorts to boot.

For more about Stenson's win and a brief wrap-up of THE PLAYERS, click here.