I get the whole "let's be original! our child needs to stand out from the pack!" mentality, parents of Suri, Sunday, Shiloh, Moses and Apple. But Ever Gabo? Zuma Nesta Rock? And Bronx Mowgli? Give me -- and the poor kid -- a friggin' break! Not that I am saying everyone should name his or her kid something traditional (i.e., English or Biblical -- and let's face it, there are some mighty odd names, at least by today's standards, in the Bible). Just something spellable and pronounceable, that won't give the poor kid a complex.
So herewith I give you "J.'s Rules for What Not to Name Your Child." (Note: The opinions expressed herein are J.'s and are not necessarily shared by her family or friends.)
1. Do not name your child something offensive or obsene (or just downright stupid), like "Shithead" (pronounced "Shuh-TEED") or "Loser" (though Loser turned out to be a winner, while his brother, Winner, turned out to be a loser), both cases mentioned in the book Freakonomics. In New Zealand, authorities have the right to turn down names that are openly offensive or obscene and have already said no to Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucky, Sex Fruit, Fat Boy, Satan, Adolf Hitler, and 4Real. For real. In fact, the parents of "Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii" lost custody of the child, who went by the initial "K" instead, she was so embarrassed by her name.
2. Do not name your child after a borough of the City of New York. (Yeah, I'm talking to you David and Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham and you, Ashlee with two "e"s and Pete Wenz.)
3. Do not name your child after a beach. (Do you know what kind of sludge washes up onto beaches?)
4. Do not name your child after a beverage, adult or otherwise. (Does the world really need another "Budweiser" or "Zuma"? Though the parents of the latter say they named him after the beach. Though really, is a beach any better? See above.)
5. Do not name your child after a day of the week, unless you are a member of the Addams Family. (Though, okay, Tuesday -- nee Susan -- Weld was pretty cute, though she suffered a nervous breakdown at 9, started drinking heavily at 10, and tried to kill herself at 12. Are you paying attention, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban?)
6. Do not name your child after your or anyone else's car. (Why? Do you really want to hear some guy say "Oh what a feeling to drive a Toyota" when you know he's not talking about the car? Enough said.)
7. Do not name your child after a menu item, even one from a fancy French restaurant. (Yes, I'm talking 'bout you, parents of all those "Happy Meals." And while I love a good cupcake, I do not suggest naming your child after one.)
8. Do not pick a name you can't spell, and then come up with some weird spelling that no one else can spell or pronounce. (FYI, If you, an adult, can't spell it, what makes you think your kid, his friends, and/or his teachers will?) PC Warning: The only possible exception to this rule is if you know for sure your son is going to grow up to be a professional basketball or football player in the United States. And even then, can't you cut the announcers/commentators some slack? Their job is hard enough as is.
Special note here for my Welsh and Irish/Gaelic readers: This rule does not necessarily apply to you, especially if you reside in Wales or Ireland where I assume you and other people will know how to spell your child's name, even if the rest of us don't.
I am sure if I sat here long enough, I could come up with more rules, but I need to take little Hard Day's Night Two-O shopping for some winter outerwear.
P.S. If you want to have a little fun researching baby names, try the The Baby Name Wizard, where you can "explore name trends letter by letter."
UPDATED 12:08 P.M.: I just came across this blog/web post titled "Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing: A Primer on Parent Cruelty," which is also pretty darn funny (and/or scary, depending on your point of view).
UPDATED AGAIN AT 3:55 P.M.: How could I have possibly left off Kal-el Coppola Cage, Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette, or Soleil Moon Frye, who named her children Jagger and Poet? (For more unusual celebrity baby names, click on the link.)
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11 comments:
I'm not sure I agree on the day of the week rule....If you can name a child after a month (i.e. April, June, May) and even a season (Autumn) why not Sunday?
I'm just too busy trying to rid the world of Thoms
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D'Brickashaw_Ferguson... I rest your case....
While you are at it, Tommy, how about getting rid of some Dicks, too? ; )
I see your point about days of the week...
As much as I'd like to agree that these rules make sense, it's hard for any of use run from the misdeeds of our parents (or relatives).
Case in point... I'm the son of a man who was Ronald on most days, nicknamed Ronnie, but by birth certificate was "Reynold."
As family legend has it this is what came off the lips of an east European relative of my grandmother left to transfer the birth name to the registrar. "Ray- Nold," she purportedly blurted out.
And of course my dear brother's birth name is Jeffry (the second "e" mysteriously absent). Not sure what my mother's explanation of that is. Or perhaps that was my father ensuring that his son would be subject to the same name confusion he experienced in life.
So Afernee Hardaway, please don't let J2's musings on all of this hurt your feelings. I'm sure your glory days with the Orlando Magic caused an immense upsurge of the Afernee census. If he has children, wonder what their names are?
My gripe is people who aren't creative enough to come up with a first name that wasn't derived from the last name: Tommy Thompson, John Johnson, etc. These always sound like southern "bubba" names to me.
One more rule: Don't give your kid a name traditionally associated with the opposite sex. They will get really sick and tired of being told their name really ought to be a guy's name (or a girl's name).
Hmmm, Marindenver... Sounds like you know first-hand of what you write. Btw, one of my dearest friends named his daughter Samantha, but she goes by Sam, and I always thought that was cool. But I was never into the whole "Boy Named Sue" thing or androgynous names.
Thanks for commenting!
I agree that some of the names are ridiculous...what about Moon Unit and Dweezel Zappa?
You'd hope people would use discretion, but that is price we pay for living in a free country.
Where would you draw the line and determine what is an acceptable name? Chelsea is a prettier name to me than Barbara or Jenna, but the Clinton's picked thier daughter's name from a song.
President Elect Obama has commented on his "weird" first name. I was the only Erin in my classes until college. Having a unique name teaches you early how to communicate and put up with minor confusion and sometimes teasing (Erin go Bragh-less started in about 2nd grade).
I would imagine that if a person truly hates their name (and their parents for naming them something other people find ridiculous) they can change it.
I love my name by the way (have my dad to thank for it). My sister's name is Kerry so I've always been able to say that I was named after the Country and she was named after a County.
EMM - Yeah, "Wake up , it was a Chelsea morning and the first thing that I heard. . ." Love that song and love Joni!
J. Hint: John Wayne
I have to say I like Day of the Week names (Thursday Next anyone?), but naming your child something that could potentially get their butt kicked in grade school is just mean.
And I, too, HATE when parents name their children the same as their last names. How many Richard Richardsons do we need? (No offense, Ricky! LOL)
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