Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Explaining boys to your daughter

Just like Andy Hardy, love has found J-THREE-O. Puppy love, that is. And just like Nazareth sang, love hurts. Especially when one of your supposed good friends is supposedly putting the moves on your (12.5-year-old) man. Oo oo oo, love hur-ur-urts.

Typically when my daughter is upset, I give her empathy rather than advice, as I have read and heard enough to know that when people (especially female people) are in pain what they really want is for you to acknowledge their pain not disgorge pleasant but meaningless platitudes like "It will get better, honey. Promise." (Seriously, "that sucks" works way better.)

But sometimes when female people ask for advice, they really want advice. From everyone. So they can form a consensus. Because that is what women do. Particularly when it concerns men. And here was my big opportunity to scar my daughter for life explain how men think to my impressionable adolescent daughter.

What I really wanted to do was point my daughter to the second half of this blog post on i could cry but i don't have time, which I think succinctly explains how the male brain works. But I don't think either of us is ready to have the conversation where I explain what "head" is. (I am still not over the memory of my mother explaining what 69 was when I was around 16. Shudder. Hi Mom!)

Instead, when my daughter asked why this boy who supposedly liked her would pay attention to and hang out with this other (very pretty) girl, I blamed it on the penis. (And yes, I used the word penis.) More specifically, I began to explain that men are wired to procreate and when a pretty girl shows any interest, the penis senses an opportunity and responds. Or to quote Robin Williams, "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

At this point in the conversation, my daughter, utterly mortified, cried "Mo-om!" At which point I threw up my hands and responded, "Go talk to the parent with the penis."

On the plus side, she is doing much better now -- and I have another item for my list of things to do to embarrass your teenage (or pre-teen) daughter! (And I wasn't even trying!)


Another David S. said...

Abandon hope all ye who enter here: treacherous waters ahead! ;-)

J. said...

Just saw this comment, left by a man, on a friend's Facebook post about the Onion video on how to get a guy's attention:

"This is what gets this guy's attention: a woman who knows how to be an impeccable lady in public and a filthy whore in private; knows how dress classy and sexy at the same time; has a good brain and a decent body. That's all it takes - I dont care if she can cook and the shiny stuff don't interest me - SHE interests me, or I wouldn't be there in the first place!"

Betty Cracker said...

LMAO! Isn't this age just soooo much fun?

My mother gave me the following three-sentence summary about the character of boys, and it has stood me in good stead for my entire life:

"Honey, men are like dogs. You chase them, they'll run. You run, they'll chase you."

Dave S. said...

OK, "Love Hurts" is actually a Roy Orbison song, but Nazareth more than does it justice.

Mother Cracker has it right, although you need to adjust this in the presence of bacon.

J. said...

@Betty Cracker: I think you and I have a different definition of "fun." But your mama was right. :-)

@Dave S.: Picky, picky, picky. Re the bacon remark, is that in regard to men or dogs (or both)? Or are you recommending women dab a little bacon behind their ears?

Dave S. said...

Had to be picky, I'm a huge Roy Orbison fan.

In re bacon, presented for your consideration.

Jiu Jitsu Los Angeles said...

No matter twelve or 22, that talk will always be awkward but helpful. And Robin Williams couldn't have said it better. Stupid men and their stupid parts.