A guide to the first 2012 presidential debate

Or, everything you wanted to know about the first presidential debate of 2012, but were too lazy to look it up on the Internet yourself.

Q: So, who's this debate between, again?
A:  President Barack Obama (D) and Republican presidential nominee Willard "Mitt" Romney, who will be debating former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who will be debating the former head of Bain Capital Mitt Romney.

Q: And when is this debate?
A: The debate takes place at 9:00 p.m. Eastern Time on Wednesday, October 3,and is scheduled to end at 10:30 p.m. ET.

Q: Where can I catch the debate?
A: Much like the flu, the presidential debate will be hard to avoid, at least between 9 and 10:30 p.m. ET on Wednesday, October 3. Indeed, if you own a television, a radio, a computer, a tablet, or a smart phone, you can catch the presidential debate. Indeed, all of the networks -- CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox -- as well as CNN, C-SPAN, MSNBC, and probably a half dozen other cable stations, will be airing the presidential debates live, as will National Public Radio (NPR). And the debate will be streamed live on the Internet. Just pick your news site. (Not interested in watching the debate? No problem. You can watch Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy over on Lifetime, Family Guy on TBS, or Dirty Dancing over on ABC Family instead.)

Q: Who's moderating the first presidential debate?
A: Jon Stewart. Sorry, just wishful thinking. It's actually Jim Lehrer, the Executive Editor of PBS NewsHour (formerly known as The MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour, back when news was actually news and people still watched the news on a television).

Q: What will the candidates be debating?
A: The candidates will be debating six domestic policy issues, specifically the economy, the economy, the economy, health care, the role of government, and governing. (And no, I am not making this list up. Jim Lehrer did.)

Q: What is the format of this debate?
A: The debate is, in theory, divided into six time segments/topics, each of which will be allotted approximately 15 minutes. Per the Commission on Presidential Debates, "The moderator will open each segment with a question, after which each candidate will have two minutes to respond. The moderator will use the balance of the time in the segment for a discussion of the topic."

Q: How can we tell if the candidates are lying?
A: Their noses will grow. Actually, I was hoping there would be fact checkers on the scene to taser candidates when they told outright lies, but I've been told that could kill Mitt Romney. Instead, Politifact, FactCheck.org, and the Washington Post’s Fact Checker blog, as well as several news outlets, including The Associated Press and ABC News, will be monitoring the debate and alerting followers to any untruths or partial truths.

Q: More importantly, what color tie will each of the candidates be wearing -- and will they be wearing American flag pins on their lapels?
A: You bet your patriotic asses they'll be wearing flag pins. I believe that's now mandatory attire. Regarding tie choice, this is just a wild guess, but I'm thinking President Obama will be sporting a blue tie and former Governor Romney will be wearing a red one (or a green one, cause that's the color of Capitalism, bitches).

Q:Will Michelle Obama be there? And, if so, will she be wearing a sleeveless dress?
A: I don't know about you but I would pay to see Michelle Obama wrestle Ann Romney... as in wrestle... in a ring... Have you seen the First Lady's arms? They should be registered as lethal weapons. (I'd suggest Linda McMahon as the ref, but I suspect she'd throw the match for Ann Romney.)

Q: Any more questions?
A: Leave a comment.