American Idol Season 10: The Top 13 Perform (though not very well)

So instead of weeks of semifinals, this season of American Idol we went from having the Top 12 Guys and Top 12 Girls straight to the Top 13, period. Isn't 13 supposed to be unlucky? Clearly, it will be unlucky for someone (or possibly two someones).

Also, just like last week, tonight's episode of American Idol was pre-taped (boo), supposedly to iron out some technical stuff before the show goes live next week (uh huh).

The only good news about tonight's American Idol being pre-taped is that a lot of info about the show has already leaked out, including tonight's theme, Your Personal Idol (who has not recorded anything relevant in over 15 years). Oy. And the order. And who's singing what. Double uh oh.

Anyway, on with the show!

Lauren Alaina - "Any Man of Mine" (Shania Twain). Raise your hand if you thought Lauren Alaina was a rocker? (Okay, hands down. Wait, when did Don Was become a Hassid?) Also, why did the producers put Lauren first? I thought they liked her. And why do I feel like I'm watching an episode of Hee Haw or Live from the Grand Ole Opry? SIGH. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the girl can sing. But -- all together now: SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE. And that one SUCKED. Did Jimmy Iovine recommend that? Just doesn't make sense. And you know it had to be bad if Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez (gently) panned it. My grade for Lauren Alaina: B-. (J-THREE-O, who is making tomorrow's lunch in the kitchen, just shouted up "I give Lauren a B+!") If she makes it to next week, please let her sing a rock song.

NEXT!

Casey Abrams - "With a Little Help from My Friends" (Joe Cocker). Aw, Casey was a cute kid! (Yikes! I'm being blinded by Casey's super white calves! Make him put on long pants! PHEW.) What would I do if you sang out a tune? Well, Casey, if you don't sing it out of key, I may vote for you. Okay, I'm digging it. Good song choice. (See kids, this is how you choose a song.) I'm thinking Casey Abrams is going to have a lot of friends after this performance -- and will definitely get by (the judges). Survey says: A. (Really like Casey but I got two words for you: Taylor Hicks.)

Ashthon Jones - "When You Tell Me That You Love Me" (Diana Ross). Is ANYONE surprised Ashthon chose a Diana Ross song? Anyone? And if she screws up, can we blame that producer? And... Ashthon is no Diana Ross. Not even close. SIGH. In the words of (the old) Randy Jackson: Yo, I love you, but that was kinda pitchy, dawg. Sorry, Ashthon, no way can I tell you that I love you. That was BAD. (And I can NOT believe Randy liked it. And did Steven Tyler just ding her performance? I do believe he did. Ditto J. Lo. Though she had to go and do a backflip at the end. SIGH. Paging Simon Cowell.) Our grade for Ashthon Jones: B-. Bad song choice.

Paul McDonald - "Come Pick Me Up" (Ryan Adams). Mea culpa. When I read this week's American Idol's spoilers I thought Paul was singing Bryan Adams. Though right now, I'm wishing he had. I'm also getting dizzy watching Paul jump up and down and skip all over the stage. Stand still and SING the dang song, Paul. Two words: HATED IT. It was off key and boring as heck. Paul will probably make it another week, but he could be in the bottom three. My grade (cause everyone else left): B/B-.

Just curious: How many J. Lo commercials you think we're going to see tonight?

Pia Toscano - "All By Myself" (Celine Dion). Oooo shiny. Nice dress, Pia! (Though what is up -- or down -- with the pink chiffon train?) Let's just hope that dress won't be the best part of tonight's performance.... Anyone else feel like they're in the lounge of some Portuguese cruise ship? Anybody? Wait... what?! Really, J. Lo? Really? I mean, it wasn't bad. But no way was that anywhere near Celine Dion -- or Pia's best performance. Seriously, I don't know what the judges heard. Have they heard the Celine Dion version? SIGH. I give Pia Toscano a B+ because I know she can sing, and she has really good hair.

James Durbin - "Maybe I'm Amazed" (Paul McCartney). Maybe I'll be amazed. Would be nice. Cause so far this season of American Idol is another big disappointment. Okay, I like James Durbin's voice (minus the Adam Lambert scream), but I swear the song is waaaay tooo sloooow. Liked his first version in the rehearsal. But clearly, what do I know? You KNOW the judges will LOVE it. (Ding ding ding, Randy Jackson drops the "Journey" card! FINALLY.) Dudes, I give James Durbin a B+ (bordering on an A-).

Haley Reinhart - "Blue" (LeAnn Rimes). And now... (off-key) YODELING! Yee-haw! Yup, that there American Idol show's got it all. I am seriously speechless. Also, was the whole show taped in slo-mo? Again, I totally prefer the original. (This wasn't even close.) But Haley can sing. I give Haley Reinhart a B, for boring. Nice dress and hair, though.

Jacob Lusk - "I Believe I Can Fly" (R. Kelly). I believe this was the wrong song for Jacob, whom I love. (Though I loved the Space Jam reference.) Just not exciting me. And he was sharp, which is surprising. SIGH. I give Jacob Lusk a B (for boring me -- and I so wanted to love his performance).

Anyone else think having Jimmy Iovine and his posse "mentor" the contestants was a bad idea? Also, really missing Simon Cowell about now.

Thia Megia - "Smile" (Michael Jackson). Does ANYONE attribute "Smile" to Michael Jackson?! And I don't remember Charlie Chaplin being a recording artist. (Did they even have Idol back then? Or records?) Not smiling. They I don't hate it either. Still, would be nice if they could PICK UP THE FRIGGIN' BEAT. The girl is 16 years old and sounds and looks like she's on the Lawrence Welk Show. Like Thia Megia's voice, but not a great song choice. I give it a B. Hope she switches it up next week. (And hope the judges do too. Seriously, what's the point of having judges if they don't judge?!)

Hey Idol producers, did we really need to see Thia crying? No way she's getting voted off tonight now.

Stefano Langone - "Lately" (Stevie Wonder). Why do I find it hard to believe a) that Stefano's personal idol is Stevie Wonder and b) that this was the best Stevie Wonder song for him? (That would be a rhetorical question.) I think Randy Jackson's face just said it all. WHA?! "Goodbye" Stefano. You may last another week, but if you keep singing songs like "Lately," you won't be around much longer -- and I don't see Celebrity Cruises hiring you anytime soon. Seriously, I have NO IDEA what the judges were listening to. That did NOT sound great. At all. I give Stefano Langone a B-, though I am really wishing the judges has chosen Lauren Turner instead of him.

Karen Rodriguez - "I Could Fall in Love" (Selena). Oh. My. God. Can Jennifer Lopez recuse herself? I can't believe Karen chose a Selena song. By which I mean, I totally believe it. And I swear J. Lo wore THAT SAME OUTFIT in the movie. Freaky! Sorry, Karen, but no way am I falling in love with you. ("Star Search!" just shouted the spouse, who has rejoined me -- and I don't think he meant it in a good way.) Yet another mediocre, karaoke, Portuguese cruise ship performance. And is that criticism I just heard from Jennifer Lopez? Whoa. Totally agree with Randy: YAWN. "She's gone," said the spouse, and I've got to agree. We give Karen Rodriguez a C, as in Ciao (and I don't mean hello).

Save us, Scotty McCreery!

Scotty McCreery - "The River" (Garth Brooks). Yet another boring song choice, but I still like Scotty. (I got nothing snarky to say, people. This show has worn me down, and, like I said, I really like Scotty. "He's the real deal," said the spouse. And he loves baseball -- Scotty, though the spouse likes it too, but probably not as much as I do.) We give Scotty McCreery an A.

Naima Adedapo - "Umbrella" (Rihanna). She's off key but I think "Umbrella" was an okay song choice for Naima -- and I'm loving her dance moves and that little reggae twist halfway through. Not bad, not bad. We give Naima Adedapo a B+.

Well, thank God that's over. Will add who got booted off Idol Island tomorrow night. J-TWO-O out.

UPDATED: Not a bring suprise, Ashthon went home. Yawn.