American Idol Season 9: Top 12 guys perform (UPDATED)

Here's hoping that the top 12 guys do better than the top 12 girls did last night on American Idol. Though I don't see how they could do much worse.

Once again, the contestants can choose pretty much anything they like (supposedly), as long as it appeared on some Billboard chart at some time. And once again, Simon Cowell is showing more cleavage than the female contestants.

Leading it off for the guys...

Todrick Hall: I LOVED what Todrick did with Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone." I thought it was creative, and that it worked. Screw the judges. They are constantly telling contestants they have to be original, own the song, switch it up. And that's exactly what Todrick Hall did. Plus it was fun to watch. I guess what the judges meant was, be creative, just not too creative, at least with a song sung by a prior American Idol contestant. And speaking of the judges, does ANYONE really care what Randy or Kara has to say? I thought so. Next.

Aaron Kelly (aka the next David Archuletta, but not as cute): First off, what happened to the rule "If you forget the lyrics, you're gone"? So many really good people have been kicked off American Idol because they forgot a few words, and this kid makes it through? Yeah, he has a nice voice. Okay, better than "nice." But was "Here Comes Goodbye" a really smart song choice? (If he goes home this week, though I doubt he will, it will have been a self-fulfilling prophecy.) Sigh. Of course, the judges LOVED Aaron. But it was just all right for me, dawg.

Jermaine Sellers: Once again, it was just all right for me, dawg. Not bad. Not great. Just OK. Yawn. I think Jermaine could be in danger. (No one throws the band under a bus. And gets away with it. No one. Don't let those smiling faces fool you.)

Tim Urban: Looks 10, Voice 3. Now. Make. Him. Go. Away. Seriously, I am "this close" to pressing "mute" on the remote. And the only reason he won't get cut is the "Jonas brother" factor.

All together now people: SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE. Seriously, if you don't know or can't figure out after eight seasons of American Idol what the judges like and and don't like, you don't deserve to be on TV.

Joe Munoz: Well, Jason Mraz is safe. I'm trying to decide whether Simon will say Joe Munoz's performance was "karaoke" or "cruise ship." Wait. WTF was Ellen listening to? And you, Randy! I cannot believe I did not hear the word "pitchy" out of Randy's mouth. And Kara, THE BEST?! Huh? Wha? Well, at least Simon said the performance was forgettable, which is totally was. Joe who? Next.

Tyler Grady: He's from Nazareth?! So what, does that make him, like, Jesus Morrison? As if. Love Simon's "It's like you went to Pretend to Be a Rock Star School." Yet another utterly forgettable performance. Also, is it just me, or does Tyler have a really long head and Jay Leno's chin?

Lee Dewyze: Pitchiness and song choice aside, I really like Lee's voice and think he has something. (Sorry, got no snappy comments. American Idol has finally worn me down. Or it could be the Chocolate Martini.)

John Park: To quote the spouse: WHY? I think that quick cut to Simon's face just said it all. That was a MESS. I can't believe anyone clapped. It was dreadful. See ya.

Michael Lynche: Maroon 1? Hey guys, it's karaoke night on American Idol with personal trainer Michael Lynche! Seriously, I have completely lost patience with these people. Send them all home. Now.

Alex Lambert: Wrong Lambert. And Florence Henderson wants her hair back. And I, too, just want to cry now. (Weeping.)

Casey James: He may be in "Heaven," but I'm in Hell. Can we just ban Bryan Adams songs from Idol? Please? (Don't know what the judges were listening to -- mostly each other.)

Andrew Garcia: Another forgettable performance. Sigh. Should have sung his version of "Straight Up" again.

I give up.

J-TWO-O out.

AND THE RESULTS ARE IN: And Joe Munoz (who?) and Tyler Grady are out. No surprise there, except that they kept any of them.