American Idol Season 9: Top 12 girls perform (UPDATED)

And so begins J-TWO-O's official live coverage of and running commentary on American Idol Season 9. I thought this night would never come.

FINALLY, some actual, live singing! Though I realize "actual" and "live" and "singing" are subjective. But I am hoping for the best tonight, because as Randy Jackson would say, "These girls can blow!" Though two of them will be going home on Thursday.

Tonight's theme: Songs from the Billboard charts, which pretty much means anything goes. And kicking it off for the Top 12 American Idol girls...

Paige Miles: So will it be "All Right Now" for Paige? As Randy would say (but didn't), "It was just all right for me, dawg." (J-THREE-O agrees.) Clearly, the acoustics on the Idol set are a whole lot worse (or better) than here in the bedroom, watching on our giant Sony Bravia HDTV, or we were not listening to the same performance. The best female vocally? Wha? Huh?

Ashley Rodriguez: Will this performance make me "Happy"? (J-THREE-O is psyched as she really likes this song.) So far, it's a little pitchy (which apparently is not a word according to Blogger's spellchecker). Make that a lot pitchy. And no, I am not happy with that performance, and neither were the judges. And it's a shame because I really liked Ashley during the early auditions. Buh-bye.

[Commercial break: Okay, that Old Spice commercial totally cracks me up.]

Janell Wheeler: So, what about Janell? She's got the "look," and the heart, but can she sing? And the answer: "She's going to be gone early," says J-THREE-O, and mom agrees. Pitchy pitchy pitchy. Totally the wrong song for her. (Randy, it wasn't the right song choice for me either. All together now: Song choice, song choice, song choice. As for Ellen, she so has the hots for Janell, because that performance was mediocre at best. Simon, as per usual, got it right. And Kara, not that we really care, is, surprise! right on. The song -- "What about love?" -- was too big for her.

Lilly Scott: Let's just get this out of the way: What is the deal with Lilly Scott's hair? And her voice? Eh. I can't decide if I liked that performance of the Beatles' "Fixing a hole" or not. I LOVE that Beatles' song, but I didn't love her version. Didn't hate it, but didn't love it. Which I guess makes me on the same page as Simon.

Katelyn Epperly: Oh darling, let this be a good performance. (The Beatles? The way Katelyn was dressed, I was sure she was going to sing some old Madonna.) Okay, didn't love it, but so far it was my favorite performance. I like Katelyn's voice and she's got "the look." I think she's safe for at least another week. Seems like Simon agrees. (And does anyone really care what any of the judges who are not Simon has to say?)

Haeley Vaughn: ANOTHER BEATLES SONG?! Well, let me tell you something I think you'll understand: I want to hold my hands over my ears. And here I thought the girls were going to bring it this week. Sooooo disappointed. Well, Haeley will always have her new nose stud to remind her of her Idol experience. (It was just, for me, a complete and utter mess, too, Simon.) Buh-bye.

Lacey Brown: And now channeling Stevie Nicks.... Lacey should send that backup singer some flowers. Definitely sounded much better with him backing her up. Again, didn't love it, but didn't hate it like the judges did. (Really? That was worse than Haeley and Janell?) Once more with feeling now: SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE. Have you people learned nothing from EIGHT seasons of Idol?!

Michelle Dellamor: I keep on fallin' in and out of love with Idol, and tonight's performances are causing me so much pain. And I too have taken more than a fool. Oh oh oh oh, Michelle, that was just all right for me, dawg. Sigh. ("Fantastic," Ellen?! What show are you watching? Once again, Simon is the voice of reason. And is Randy on a first name basis with every major recording artist?! Feh.) Next.

Didi Benami: OMG. Could it be? An actually good performance? Or is it the second coming of Megan Joy? (Look it up, people.) A little pitchy, but I liked it. Didn't love it, but didn't hate it. Or else I am so worn down from listening to so many mediocre performances that I just don't care anymore. (I'm sorry, Kara. Did you say something?)

Slightly O/T: Okay, raise your hands if you remember your first kiss -- or you remember the first time you kissed your spouse/significant other and if it was "star material" or even memorable?

Siobhan Magnus: And the password is: INDULGENT. Or was it pitchy? I can never keep them straight. Well, no worries about Siobhan breaking anyone's heart, except her family's when she's eventually voted off. I liked Siobhan during auditions, but that was NOT a good song for her -- and I don't care what Ellen says. It started way too low, and it was way too slow -- and not memorable. I'd give it a B-.

[The only thing that could save tonight's American Idol would be a commercial for Hot Tub Time Machine. Pleeeaaaase...]

Crystal Bowersox: Please please please let Crystal Mamasox be good. Okay, everything's fine, fine, fine. But we need great, great, great. Nice harmonica, Hootie, but it's a singing competition. (I've got one hand on my keyboard and the other one... is also on my keyboard. And neither of them is clapping.) SIGH. Why why why? LISTEN TO SIMON, people. (Anyone else really miss Paula listening to Kara?)

Katie Stevens: And I feel... pretty good. (Spouse just said "she's got that Diana DeGarmo thing going on." And apparently Ellen and Simon agree.) Yet another indulgent song, and pitchy. Sigh.

All I can say is: THANK GOD IT'S OVER. Please, please, please let the boys be better.

J-TWO-O out.

AND THE RESULTS ARE IN: And Janell Wheeler and Ashley Rodriguez are out. A little bummed about the latter, though based on her performance Tuesday not that surprised. American Idol has not been very good to Hispanics and Asians (or people with ethnic sounding names, with the exception of Fantasia).