Adam Lambert returns to American Idol, along with Elvis

Cheer up, American Idol fans. Adam is coming to bring the glam back to Idol. At least I hope so. (Seriously, if Adam can't spice things up, no one can.)

Though watching Adam Lambert's footage will surely make all of us long-time (and long-suffering) American Idol viewers yearn for last season. (While I'm not sure I agree with Entertainment Weekly's assessment that Adam Lambert -- aka Adam Glambert -- was "the Most Exciting American Idol Contestant in Years," he is way more exciting than anyone we've seen this season -- sorry Siobhan Magnus fans.)

Adding to the excitement, tonight's theme is Elvis Presley, another rocker known to shake things up (and whom Adam bears a striking resemblance to). And will the remaining nine Season 9 contestants be able to shake things up tonight? We shall see. (Would be amusing if Tim Urban sings "Don't Be Cruel.")

For the record, my favorite Elvis Presley song (or one of my favorites) is "Bossa Nova Baby," from Fun in Acapulco:



Sigh. They sure don't make 'em like they used to.

Now let the hip gyrating and hound-dogging begin!

Crystal Bowersox: Shouldn't Michael Lynche be the one singing "Saved"? Well, here's hoping that save wasn't wasted on Big Mike, not that Mamasox is in any danger of being voted off after that great performance, but you never know. Like Ellen DeGeneres, I got nothing else to say. (So, anyone here have a birthday? If so, Happy Birthday!) "Crystal was stellar," says J-THREE-O. Yup. Our grade for Crystal Bowersox: A

Andrew Garcia: You tell him, Adam. Andrew's first/rehearsal version of "Hound Dog" was boring. Though this version wasn't a whole lot better. It wasn't bad. But it just wasn't great, though the studio audience seemed to LOVE it. The judges, on the other hand, HATED it. So I guess I am somewhere in the middle. Say goodbye to the nice people, Andrew, looks like you're going home to your son tomorrow night. The grades for Andrew Garcia: C+ from me; D from the spouse; and a C from J-THREE-O. (Tough crowd.)

Tim Urban (aka Teflon Tim and The Bonus Jonas): WHAT? Adam likes Tim?! OMG, Adam totally wants Tim -- just like Miley Cyrus! Ew ew ew. Though (and I cannot believe I am about to type this) Tim's version of "Can't Help Falling in Love" is actually... OK. (I cannot bring myself to use the word good, but it wasn't bad.) I know! I am just as surprised as you are, and unlike Ellen, I am not sitting here sipping tequila, though I wish I were. And, OMG, Simon liked it, too. He really liked it. Could Tim Urban be the next American Idol? Our grades for Tim Urban: B from me; C+ from the spouse; and B- from J-THREE-O.

Lee DeWyze: Once again, Adam tells it like it is to Lee. Amen, brother. Like the song says, "a little less conversation, a little more action, please." (So far, Adam Lambert is the best mentor yet this season. Who'd a thunk it?) Not loving this version of "Conversation," but Lee is definitely more out there, performance-wise, and, as you all know, I dig Lee's voice. More importantly, the judges LOVED it. Our grade for Lee DeWyze: B+ (and we are unanimous)

Aaron Kelly: Aaron could probably use some blue suede shoes -- and some liquor. Not the worst version of "Blue Suede Shoes" I've ever heard, far from it, but it was just not the right song for a skinny, geeky 17-year-old boy, even one with a good voice. Our grade for Aaron Kelly: B/B- ("He has to go after Andrew and Tim," sayeth the spouse, and I agree, though I don't think Katie and Michael will make it to the Top 4 either.)

Siobhan Magnus (aka the female Adam Lambert): Well, she didn't take Adam's advice (which is a shame, because he was right about speeding up the song), but she took his hairdo. Wrong decision. Yeah, Siobhan's got the pipes, but that version of "Suspicious Minds" was a mess. I'm actually with Kara and Simon on this one, as is the spouse. Siobhan is losing herself. Our grade for Siobhan Magnus: B-

Michael Lynche: Another predictable, slightly plodding performance from Big Mike. Yawn. Tooo slooow. I think Michael has a nice voice, but there are lots of folks out there with nice voices. This competition is supposed to be about finding a STAR. Where was the "wow" moment the judges keep talking about? To use a Simon-ism, Big Mike's version of "In the Ghetto" was utterly forgettable. Our grades for Michael Lynch: a B from me; an A- from the spouse and kid.

Katie Stevens: "Baby, What You Want Me to Do?" I want you to sell it, Katie, and stay in tune. Actually, I thought that was Katie's best performance. And the spouse thought Simon was going to like it. Oh well. Our grade for Katie Stevens: the spouse and I give her an A-; J-THREE-O gives her an A.

Casey James: "Lawdy Miss Claudy," Mr. James sure is predictable. What can I say? Another solid (if utterly predictable) performance by Casey James. Well, as the judges say, you know exactly what type of record Casey will make. But, like the judges, I want more. Our grades for Casey James: the spouse and kid give Casey a B; I give him an A-/B+.

That's all the American Idol for tonight, kids. Will update the post after the results show tomorrow. I'm off to watch Glee.

UPDATED 4/14/10: Well, Andrew Garcia was no surprise, but we were surprised about Katie Stevens. Boo. Didn't think she would make it to the Top 4 or 5, but she should not have gone before Tim Urban. Guess she'll make her high school prom after all. Prepare yourselves, people, for Tim Urban being your next American Idol. Also, WTF was with the laser light show and the psychedelic (not good) version of "What Do You Want from Me"?! It reminded me of why I wound up being constantly annoyed with Adam. Just sing the dang song. In other Idol news, no American Idol post for me next Tuesday. Will be back on 4/27. J-TWO-O out.

The American Idol Three-Way: Will Adam be on top? Or Will Kris and Danny be the last men standing?

Wow, 300 episodes. And I have probably watched most of them. What a waste of a life.

If the judges have their way -- and tonight's theme on American Idol is "Judges' Choice" -- Adam Lambert, he of the black eyeliner, matching nail polish and Led Zeppelin screaming trill, is pretty much assured a place in the finals. But then again, you never know. Kris Allen, who has the cougar and sorority girl vote, and Danny "I lost my wife and found God" Gokey, who has never been in the bottom three or two, could wind up in the finale together, nudging out Adam.

While I am pretty sure it will be Adam vs. Danny on May 19, I'm not willing to bet on it... yet.

And now, America, here are your American Idols...

First up, Danny Gokey, singing Paula Abdul's choice, "Dance Little Sister"...

Personally, I think it's an odd (i.e., bad) choice. And I do not remember the song at all, which, considering I am a mainstream Top 40 radio kind of gal, and like Terence Trent D'Arby, does not bode well for Mr. Gokey, in terms of audience recognition and appeal.

It was a good -- okay better than good, but NOT great -- performance, but it seemed a bit screechy and forced. I'm with Kara: I am NOT going to remember that performance tomorrow -- or 10 minutes from now. And I'm with Simon that Danny would have been MUCH better served by singing "Sign Your Name," which ALWAYS gives me chills. (J-THREE-O is nudging me, asking me to write that in her humble opinion "Hero" was by far Danny's best performance. I think the kid has something.)

And now... Kris Allen singing "Apologize." (J-THREE-O says "GREAT choice. I knew it. It's perfect for him.") Cougars and sorority girls are standing by...

Props to Randy Jackson and Kara DioGuardi. Now they picked the right song for Kris. And definitely a good move on Kris's part to play the piano.

Huh? Wha? What on Earth is Kara talking about?! I am not a huge Kris fan, and I thought he was GREAT. And SHE is the one who picked the friggin' song. I am 100% with Simon. And convinced that the judges are TOTALLY gunning for an Adam vs. Danny finale.

[Btw, for you baseball fans, the Mets are losing, 0 - 1, to the Atlanta Braves at the bottom of the 5th, and I am extremely torn -- and, OMG, there was a streaker -- with a Mets thong! -- on Citi Field!!! Dang, I wish we had a TV with picture in picture.]

Back to Idol and Adam, who will be singing U2's "One," as chosen by Simon Cowell, who personally got Bono on the phone to get his permission to let Adam sing the song. If that is not proof that Simon wants Adam to win it, I don't know what is.

And the sad thing is, I really like the song, but I AM HATING -- HATING -- Adam's interpretation. It sounds like every other song that Adam has sung, complete with his signature Led Zeppelin screaming trill. Yawn. (For this, I turned off the Mets game?) And OMG, could someone, please, bitch slap Kara? Please? And while they're at it, muzzle Simon? Please?

[Getting back to the Mets, Mike Pelfrey, the Mets starting pitcher, who I think is way cute -- sorry, but he IS -- is still pitching, which is pretty amazing, especially considering the Atlanta Braves just scored a second run and got yet another base hit. When will manager Jerry Manuel learn he's gotta pull Pelfrey in the 6th? Sigh. Well, at least only one run scored.]

We now return to our regularly scheduled blog post...

Yeah, whatever happened to "Idol Gives Back"? All I can say is God bless Carrie Underwood -- though I'm pretty sure He already has. LOVE her (as do the folks who produce American Idol).

[Back to the Mets. Bottom of the 6th. And... One, two, three... and they're out. Sigh.]

Danny Gokey, Round 2: "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker...

The spouse thinks this could be good. I'm not so sure. J-THREE-O is with spouse.

A little pitchy... A little too slow... and not that beautiful. Sorry, dawg, you can do waaaaay better, though it was better than Paula's song choice. (Don't know what the judges were listening to. It was good, but not "stunning," Kara. Seriously, can someone slap that woman?) More proof that the judges are totally rooting for an Adam - Danny finale. (Sorry Kris.)

And now for Kris Allen's second song, "Heartless"...

Interesting song choice. Inspired by the judges? ; )

OK, straight up: Kris totally outperformed Danny tonight, IMHO, and deserves to be in the finale. No, he is not the best singer, but he can sing and will sell way more records than Danny. And it was a solid performance. I have decided: we are voting for Kris.

OH SHUT UP, KARA. (I will pay someone to bitch slap that woman. Any takers? I got a crisp $20 right here. $40 if you throw in Paula.)

While it somewhat pains me to say this, Simon was right again (though I totally disagree with him re Adam).

[Dang, Mets STILL haven't scored. And we missed the first part of Adam's song, which I totally cannot understand.]

And speaking of Mr. Lambert... Huh? Wha? I totally did not get that. And I TOTALLY DISAGREE with Randy. And Kara. And Paula. And Simon. J-THREE-O is so miffed she is leaving and said, and I quote, "He sucked a whole bag of Riccola." (Gosh I love that kid.)

Seriously, I think Adam can sing, but he SCREECHED that song -- and has become totally UNORIGINAL and predictable. (Go ahead Adam lovers, lay your hate on me.)

My prediction and hope: Adam and Kris, American Idol finale.

Tomorrow night on Idol: Katy Perry (whom I love) and Jordin Sparks...

Now back to the Mets... where it's now Atlanta 3, Mets 2 at the bottom of the 8th...

UPDATED EARLY A.M. 5/13/09: Wow, what a game! The Mets came back to win it, 3 - 2, in the bottom of the 10th. The spouse and I were squeezing each other's hands so tightly through the 9th, when the Mets tied it up and nearly won, and the 10th, when they did, I can barely type. Here's the rundown from Filip Bondy of the New York Daily News.

And in American Idol news... Dial Idol shows Adam, Kris, and Danny in a statistical three-way tie -- but it doesn't account for texted votes, so isn't that reliable. Still, going to be a tough one. Stay tuned, Idol fans!

UPDATED 5/13/09 AT 10 P.M. ET: Well, Idol fans, it's going to be Adam Lambert vs. Kris Allen (i.e., Mr. Vegas vs. Cougar Bait) in the American Idol finale next week. I personally am not surprised, though the judges seemed to be. I think this pretty much guarantees an Adam Lambert victory, though. Thoughts? Opinions? Do you think Danny was robbed? Leave me a comment...

Btw, if you want more info on last night's American Idol results show, including video, click here. Want to see Katy Perry's "official" video for "Waking Up in Vegas"? Here you go. (Btw, I'm with Craig Berman over at MSNBC.com, whom I link to above, that her performance last night was way better than her vocals, and that if she were a contestant, she'd be in trouble, except maybe with Simon, who'd give her a pass based on that outfit alone.)

Adam Lambert and Kris Allen go glamo a mano on tonight's American Idol finale. Now with Results Show updates!

Finally, it's all come down to this, Idol fans, your top two: Kris Allen, the petite shy guy from Conway, Arkansas, and Adam Lambert, the bigger than life seasoned performer from San Diego. (Though looking at their matching outfits tonight, it's getting harder to tell the difference, at least with their mouths closed.)

Many thought it would be Danny Gokey and Adam rockin' the Nokia Theatre in L.A. tonight. But like Howard Dean in the 2004 primaries, one fateful scream appears to have derailed Danny's chances of making it to the finals, though he will no doubt wind up cutting a record anyway.

So who will it be, America? Who will be your next American Idol? Will it be Kris Allen, who clearly has the sorority girl and cougar vote? Or will it be Adam Glambert, who has the judges and producers and the likes of Jamie Foxx and Katy Perry wildly applauding each time he takes the stage?

And while Randy, Kara, Paula, and Simon judge, you get to be the jury as each contestant lays out (or sings) his case as to why he should be the next American Idol.

[In other Idol news: According to published reports, Idol contestants Anoop Desai and Megan Joy are now an item. Whoa. Didn't see that matchup coming. Vedy intehvesting.]

First up... Adam once again singing "Mad World."

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttts sooooooooooooooooo slooooooooooooooow. I find it hard to tell you, and you'll find it hard to take, but the dreams in which I'm dying may indeed feature Adam Lambert singing "Mad World." That was downright painful. If he had just speeded it up a wee bit... and lost the dry ice and the frock coat. But clearly I am the only one who felt she was waiting for grass to grow, because the judges clearly already decided that Adam is your next American Idol (except for Simon -- God bless his T-shirt covered heart).

And before all you Adam haters start fuming, I used to really like Adam, AND I like the song "Mad World," the original Tears for Fears version.

Next up, Kris singing "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone."

Okay, folks. I am telling you RIGHT NOW, I am voting for Kris. I am no fan of ballads (power or otherwise) or "love songs" (nothing but love songs), but I would buy this single if Kris released it. That was BEAUTIFUL. And his wife, Katy, looks gorgeous.

Bravo for the judges FINALLY acknowledging that Kris is in it to win it.

Like Simon said, Round One goes to Kris.

Round Two Adam: Sam Cook's "A Change Is Gonna Come"...

No clue why Simon Fuller picked THIS song for Adam. Odd choice. (J-THREE-O just ran out of the room -- and Adam is screaming. Now I know why Simon Fuller picked that song. Gotta get in that trademark Adam Led Zeppelin screaming trill.)

I am still waiting for a change to come with Adam's performance. But it was same old, same old Adam, though to the judges that meant it was "brilliant." Me, not so much. Yawn.

Okay, I may be alone here in my own little universe, but all of Adam's performances sound exactly the same. I can tell you exactly how he is going to sing -- and that there will be at least one trademark Adam Led Zeppelin screaming trill. 'Nuff said.

Simon Fuller's choice for Kris, "What's Going On."

Okay, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THESE SONG CHOICES? Did I miss the Motown Night memo? I like Motown but I could use some less town.

You know what I like about Kris? He's a musician. And he clearly loves playing music. Just look at his face while he plays the guitar. He's transported.

Yeah, he doesn't have the flash or panache of Adam, but he's keeping it real, dawgs.

And as for Randy's criticism, yo, dude, your BOSS chose that song, not Kris. And as for you, Simon, F.U. with the whole "it sounded like three friends strumming in a bedroom to Marvin Gaye." And enough with rearranging every single song "to make it your own." Sometimes it's okay to just sing the damn song the way it's supposed to be sung. Feh.

[Aside: If I see one more effing commercial for Glee, I'm going puke on my keyboard, which would be bad as I'm off warranty. Hasn't Fox ever heard the expression too much of a good (or bad) thing...?]

Back to Adam.... They picked a song written by Kara DioGuardi?! Well, good to know it will be yet another lame American Idol anthem. (Still waiting for a change to come.) Should be fun listening to the judges critique this one.

My objective opinion: Sucky song, mediocre performance -- but there was almost no way for Adam to do a brilliant job with this one. Will it matter? Doubtful. But not a great way for Adam to go out. Randy nailed it -- definitely not Adam's best. Kara needs to go. Wow, Simon the diplomat. Who'da thunk it?

[J-THREE-O has muted the Glee commercial. Love that child. Of course she has memorized them, but she's far more entertaining.]

Last but not least (I hope), Kris tackles "No Boundaries," possibly the suckiest American Idol anthem ever (and that's saying something). I actually think he's doing a decent job. It's just an impossible song to sing. Still, better than Adam. (Sorry Adam lovers. I just like this version better.) As for J-THREE-O, she left the room after the first few chords.

Again, not Kris's best performance, and not the best performance to go out on, but I'm with Randy, that song fit Kris better -- and I really think Kara needs to go. Now. And she can take Paula with her. But I'm with Simon that Kris should be proud and deserves to be on that stage.

As to who will be your next American Idol, I am not going to call it. I think Kris probably has the Danny Gokey vote/voters, but the judges and a lot of other people I know really really want Adam. In either case, both of these guys are going to have musical careers -- and probably very successful ones at that. Because on Idol, even if you lose, you're a winner.

Lines are now open, and I'm off to text my vote for Kris.

Will update this post tomorrow night during the finale.

UPDATE #1: Per DialIdol.com, Kris has a very slight edge over Adam in the voting, but statistically it's a draw. And as DialIdol.com does not account for texted votes, just measures the busy signal on the lines, it's not as accurate as it used to be. Still, I bet the vote was close -- and that Kris could win, though I think it unlikely. Stay tuned, Idol fans...

RESULTS SHOW UPDATE: This has GOT to be the weirdest, wackiest, wildest American Idol results show EVER. Not even close. Just finished watching Adam and Kris and am speechless (though I can still type, barely). The spouse just said "They should have painted Adam's face white, too." Ya think? And what was he wearing? New Year's Eve balls as epaulets?

Except for the Danny Gokey - Lionel Richie duet, because I hate Lionel Richie with the intensity of a thousand suns and his music makes me want to hurt people, the duets have been the best part of tonight's show. The Kris Allen - Keith Urban duet was terrific. The spouse (a former professional musician) said he could totally hear that on the radio (high praise). And I really liked the Allison Iraheta - Cyndi Lauper duet, too. Beautiful. Even Queen Latifah and Lil Rounds were good. (I don't count what Kara did with Katrina a "duet" -- more like soft porn.)

But the group numbers... aaaiiieee. Not pretty. Thank God I got out of buying American Idol concert tickets this year.

And that Ford commercial? Huh? Wha? Was that Ford's sales I heard tanking? Hey, enjoy your Ford Fusions, guys! You earned them!

Wow, Steve Martin. STEVE MARTIN!!! I love Steve Martin. But Michael and Megan just TRASHED his beautiful song. Did you see the look of PAIN on Steve Martin's face? It said "They're fu@king up my song! Damn. Why did I agree to do this stupid show?" Dunno Steve. Talk to Cyndi and Lionel and Rod. It's all about the Benjamins, Steve-O, and that new album dropping tomorrow.

Oh yippee, ANOTHER group song. Does Rod Stewart have pictures of Simon with farm animals or something, or vice versa? OMG, that was EMBARRASSING. Worse than a Russian cruise ship karaoke performance.

And speaking of Rod Stewart. I think he shouldn't have spent the weekend at Bernie's, if you catch my drift. He looks like DEATH. Yowza. Did they give him a shot of something so he wouldn't fall over? And who exactly is the target demographic here? Rod Stewart? Lionel Richie? Cyndi Lauper? And please don't tell me I'm the target demo, even though I grew up (sort of) on those guys. I much prefer Lady Gaga and Kelly Clarkson and Jason Mraz.

Wow, and I totally forgot all about Tatiana del Toro. But how quickly we remember. That was just sad. And I was sure Whitney was going to pop out and start singing. (Did you catch the look on Ruben Studdard's face?) Sad.

Okay, Idol has now totally crossed the line into Ultimate Karaoke. : - / Is this some extended commercial for Fox's new show Glee? Seriously. This is like some bad (really bad) high school musical.

Thank GOD: At last... THE RESULTS... And... And... And... After a nationwide vote of 100 million... KRIS ALLEN.








OMG. WoW. Kris Allen is your new American Idol. NO ONE would have even thunk it six months ago -- a month ago. Not even Kris! My guess: It was the Danny Gokey voters who put Kris over the edge. Simon and Kara are totally in shock. But don't despair, Adam fans. I have two words for you: Chris Daughtry. 'Nuff said.

Okay, that's a wrap, folks. Surprised? Bummed? Think Adam was robbed? Leave me a comment.

UPDATED AT 10:50 A.M. 5/21/09: Just read Courtney Hazlett's Scoop column on Idol, re why changes need to be made to the show next year if it wants to keep viewers coming back. I don't necessarily agree with her first two suggestions, but her third one, about cutting the final song is DEAD ON.

American Idol gets disco fever

Burn baby burn.

I just pray that tonight's American Idol competition is not a disco inferno -- and I do not self destruct. (At least we didn't have to sit through painful back stories in addition to the incredibly painful performances. Or some washed up '70s has been.)

Lil Rounds
Is Lil every woman? I don't know, but she certainly didn't cast a spell, nor read the judges thoughts. While no Chaka Khan, she wasn't awful, just not good enough to win it, dawg. Gotta say the judges nailed it on this one. Next!

Kris Allen
And he's got the guitar. And he's singing "She Works Hard for the Money." Does he know what the song is about?! More importantly, why didn't Lil sing Donna Summer?

Uh... uh... uh... I just don't know what to say. It was sort of like a weird reggae/easy listening version -- kind of Jason Mraz meets Donna Summer, though not as good. That performance did nothing for me, dawgs, but clearly the ladies liked it. And Simon. And Randy. (For the record, I got Paula's comment about shopping in the ladies department.)

As I've been telling anyone who will listen, Kris could very well win this competition, not because he's the best singer (he isn't) but because of the remaining contestants, he's the most marketable.

Danny Gokey
Will you remember the twenty-first night of April? Or Earth, Wind, and... Danny? Maybe Danny should have worn a bright, shiny outfit, cause something about this performance is just not setting me on fire. The boy can sing, but he's just not the Danny I fell in like with early on in the competition. Like Simon said, I didn't see "star" written all over that performance.

Allison Iraheta
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKE. WHAT IS GOING ON TONIGHT?! Did the contestants all get strung out '70s style before the show went on air? Was that the Courtney Love version of "Hot Stuff"? Seriously, who chose that arrangement? That was "Lukewarm Stuff" at best, and I usually like Allison. As Randy said, "that was a little over indulgent for me," dawg, though, of course, just to spite me, Simon loved it.

As my friend, V., just wrote me in an email: "A more clothed hooker -- this is a 16 year old??? If she was Chinese (gymnast) I would ask for birth cert." You said it, sister.

Adam Lambert
"If I Can't Have You"?! No "Stayin' Alive" or white poly suit?! I demand a refund! And what is that on his pinkie, a giant snake?! And there we have it, folks, the Adam Lambert-Led Zeppelin shrieking trill. Sigh.

I realize I am in the minority here, but it totally sounded like just about every other performance Adam's done the past few weeks. Yawn. It was totally predictable, unmemorable (except for the hedgehog on his head, though even that wasn't that unpredictable), and totally lounge lizard. Though I, like Paula, predict Adam will be in the finals. Duh. (And before the haters start flaming me, I think Adam can sing, I just find his performances incredibly indulgent and at this point unoriginal.)

Matt Giraud
No. No. No. What is this, Freaky Tuesday? Sit down, Paula. Adam was supposed to sing "Stayin' Alive." I had it all worked out. Though I guess it could have been worse: Anoop could have sung it. Will this performance help Matt to stay alive for another week? Don't think so, dawgs. Gotta say, I'm 90 percent with Simon on this one (and still surprised Simon agreed to save him).

Anoop Desai (aka "Anope")
It's Donna Summer night! Poor Donna Summer. I hope at least she's getting some royalties, cause that's all she's getting from these horrendous karaoke/cruise ship performances.

Please, could someone dim the lights AND THE SOUND?

That was truly horrendous. And pitchy, pitchy, pitchy.

I don't care that this top seven can sing. They are the most boring, worst song pickers EVER.

What the heck was Kara listening to? And what exactly did the producers put in her Coca-Cola cup? "I'll have what Paula's having"?!

Thank God for Simon! (Words I never thought I would utter.)

Send them ALL home, I say, and put me out of my misery.

UPDATED 4/23/09 AT 7:00 A.M.: And then there were five. Buh-bye to Anoop and Lil, the latter really disappointed me (and Simon) by getting worse instead of better each week. I really thought, at the beginning, Lil was going to win it -- or get close. This whole season, though, has been a disappointment to me. Definitely a better crop of singers, on the whole, but the worst performers/most boring group ever (except for Adam). Bleh.

American Idol rocks out... Plus: I've been tagged by Mattress Police

Another Tuesday night, another hour wasted (?) watching American Idol. Tonight's theme, as you probably guessed from the title of this post, is rock, though it would have been far more interesting/appropriate if the Idol contestants had to sing Latin songs, in honor of Cinco de Mayo. (Let's just hope that despite not having a "proper run through," the performances are not stinkos de mayo.)

Tonight's guest "mentor," Slash (nee Saul Hudson) from Guns N'Roses.

Rock on, Idol dudes!

First up, Adam Lambert, singing Led Zeppelin:

I know you all got a "Whole Lotta Love" for Adam, and it's about effin' time he officially sang some Zeppelin. Except for J-THREE-O freaking out over Adam's hair, which is kinda weird tonight, I quite enjoyed Adam's performance. In a word: BRILLIANT. (You Adam lovers happy now? Good. But wtf is Kara wearing? Simon gonna walk her after the show?)

Next up, Allison Iraheta singing some Janis Joplin:

OMG. Is Allison channeling Elivra?! Seriously, girl, you got amazing pipes, but lousy taste in hair dressers. Fortunately, she is making me "Cry Baby" tears of joy. Another rocktastic performance. (I have no idea what Randy and Kara were talking about. We're voting for Allison.)

And now, Kris Allen and Danny Gokey... together...

and I've got to say, I'm liking this duet thing, though I've always liked "Renegade." Good song choice for these guys. And I'm with Randy that the harmonies were the bomb. But for the record, I thought Danny did a MUCH better job than Kris, who seemed a bit overwhelmed.

Followed by Kris singing solo...

Okay, who wouldn't be intimidated by Slash playing guitar next to him? But oh... my... God. John Lennon must be rolling over in his grave (or weeping in Heaven). That just didn't "Come Together" for me, and I 100% agree with Kara (eek) and Simon (though I like eating ice) that it was not a good performance. Paging Carly Smithson.

Next: Danny sings "Dream On"...

Will he get the scream? Will he? Will he? Feh. To quote the spouse, "This just isn't working for me." Danny just doesn't have the raw sexuality or vocal chords to bring off the Aerosmith classic. And that scream. Ouch. As J-THREE-O noted, "He's going to have laryngitis in the morning." Yup. NEXT.

And we conclude tonight's American Idol with those two hairy canaries, Adam and Allison, singing Fog Hat's "Slow Ride."

Well, at least their hair is coordinated. Not bad. Not bad, dawgs. In fact, I actually thought they sounded pretty good together. And I agree with Randy, they should record a duet together -- and with Simon that Adam may have just saved Allison. I hope so. (Sorry VB, but Kris has got to go.)

Tomorrow on Idol: Chris Daughtry, No Doubt, and... Paula Abdul. Yesssss.

*******
AMERICAN IDOL UPDATE 5/7/09: As many predicted, the red-headed troll doll (aka Allison Iraheta) is gone. I actually thought, based on everyone's performances last night, that she deserved to stay another week, but Kris has the backing of the powerful cougar lobby and was safe -- and I doubt Danny, despite his bad performance, was going to kicked. (No way Adam was going home after rockin' the Zep.)
*******

And on a personal note... On Monday I was tagged by blogger Rob "Diesel" Kroese on his blog, Mattress Police. Diesel, who in addition to running Mattress Police runs the site Humor Blogs and by day develops software for Google, has commented on J-TWO-O a couple of times, so I proposed a link exchange. But, instead of giving me a permanent link, he tagged me, in his "Retarded Meme" post, his ultimate quest to become the number one retarded site on the Internet. *Sigh.*

I have mixed feelings about the words retarded and retard, as they can and are often used in a derogatory (i.e., mean and/or demeaning) fashion. And we all know it's not nice to make fun of people who have disabilities, or, in PC language, are "challenged." That said, I did laugh when I saw this poster:


















Anyway, if I want to get a link on Mattress Police, which, when not being retarded, can be quite funny (and gets a lot of traffic), I need to follow The Rules, which are, and I quote:

1. You must write a post using the word retarded. [Check.] I don't care what it's about -- Joe Biden, teenage boys wearing girls' pants, whatever.
2. The word retarded must be a link to this post. [Check.]
3. You are encouraged to tag five other bloggers -- [that would be you, Betty Cracker, and you, TommyMac, and you, Dave S., and you, Marindenver, and you, Mr. Del Franco] -- to do the same. [Check.]

And with that, I bid you adios amigos.

American Idol Top 12 perform songs from the year they were born

Why don't American Idol producers just call it Lite FM or Classic Rock Night instead of "Songs from the Year the Performers Were Born"? I know, I know: that would scare viewers -- and the point of the evening or exercise is to see if American Idol contestants can make these 15- or 20- or 25-year-old songs sound contemporary. Yeah, good luck with that.

I am already bored and depressed by American Idol Season 10 after initially being excited, mainly by the new judges (note to Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez: we won't hate you if you tell someone they sucked) and (supposedly) more contemporary approach and producers. I thought I was going to get new and exciting this season. Instead I'm hearing same old, same old. Paging Simon Cowell's X Factor.

Granted, there is nothing truly new under the sun -- or on the Idol stage: James Durbin is Adam Lambert 2.0 (the hetero version); Lauren Alaina is a younger Kelly Clarkson; and Casey Abrams (whom I think is very talented) is a younger, hipper Taylor Hicks (whom I also really liked -- as did millions of American Idol voters). But I was hoping for... I don't know. Some excitement.

ANYWAY, on with the show, which is live this week.

NAIMA ADEDAPO singing Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do with It": OMG, stop with the water works already, Naima. Get a grip, girl. (Listening.) Erg. Uh. Merp. Not good, dawg. Not good at all. Very pitchy -- or as we now say, she was really off-key. WHA?! Steven Tyler LOVED that?! Are you kidding me? What's in his cup? OMG, did Jennifer Lopez just say that Naima is consistently pitchy?! Hallelujah! And yes, Randy, the vocals were a mess. FINALLY, the judges are getting tough. I like Naima Adedapo, but she is not this year's American Idol -- and unless someone does a whole lot worse, she's gone. My grade for that performance: C

PAUL MCDONALD singing Elton John's "Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues": Question: How does Paul sing when his pants are so tight? Just curious. Though the bigger problem is his cold. "Not good," says the spouse. And I have to agree. I think it's the laryngitis, but still... it's not a good performance. Very pitchy -- and just weird. I feel bad for the guy, because we know he can sing, but that was a hot mess. And J. Lo, it did NOT sound good. (So much for Jennifer Lopez getting tough -- or at least honest.) Thank God for Randy Jackson? Our grade for Paul McDonald (cause the spouse is watching with me): C

THIA MEGIA singing Vanessa Williams' "Colors of the Wind": Bleh. Yawn. Why is this 16-year-old singing like some 50-something lounge act? Simon Cowell would be all over her. Again, thank you, Randy Jackson. That was boring as hell -- and the only reason it was safe was because Naima and Paul were worse. Memo to Thia: STOP SINGING BALLADS. Remember the magic two words: SONG CHOICE. Balladeers don't make it to the top. Our grade for Thia Megia: B-

JAMES DURBIN singing Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There for You": Is everyone going to be off-key tonight? SIGH. Sadly, James Durbin is no Jon Bon Jovi. Also, is it me, or does this arrangement seem really slow? Maybe it's just because I'm bored. Again, don't know what Steven Tyler was listening to. That performance was mediocre at best -- not great, J. Lo. Though it was better than the previous three performances. Anyone else missing Adam Lambert? Our grade for James Durbin: B

HALEY REINHART singing Whitney Houston's "I'm Your Baby Tonight": Is she trying to sing "I'm Your Baby Tonight" as a country song? A jazz standard? I'm confused. What I want from you -- and the rest of the Idol contestants -- Haley, is one really exciting, pitch-perfect performance. Really, is that too much to ask? Uh-oh, the dreaded "You look so beautiful tonight," from Jennifer Lopez. So you know something bad is coming. Ding ding ding. Haley's performance did sound forced. And Randy's right on: it was just OK. So is Haley the one going home tomorrow? Can we send all five of them home tomorrow? Cause I don't think I can take this for another two-plus months. Our grade for Haley Reinhart: B-

STEFANO LANGONE singing Simply Red's "If You Don't Know Me By Now": Of all the songs Stefano could have chosen.... Sigh. Why do I feel like I'm at a wedding -- that's winding down? The sad thing is, so far this is the best performance, vocally, of the evening. But I am soooo bored. "Schmaltz," says the husband. Bleh, says J-TWO-O. (J-THREE-O has stopped watching Idol.) For the record, I said it was the best performance of the evening before Randy did. Ahem. Our grade for Stefano Langone: B+ (barely)

PIA TOSCANO singing Whitney Houston's "Where Do Broken Hearts Go": Can the producers please ban Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, and Mariah Carey songs? Pleeeease. Where do broken hearts go? They watch American Idol and blog about it... week after week. SIGH. I like Pia's voice, and she's on key, but it's a very safe, very boring song and performance. I want to hear her sing something that gets me out of my seat, not falling asleep in it. But I know the judges will love it. Ding ding ding. Thanks for proving my point, Steven Tyler (and J. Lo and Randy). And that's up tempo? Geez. Maybe for a funeral. Our grade for Pia Toscano (who I predict will make it into the Top 3): A-/B+

SCOTTY MCCREERY singing Travis Tritt's "Can I Trust You with My Heart": Quick aside: The spouse swears that Scotty looks like Alfred E. Newman, and I have to agree. He also agrees with me that Scotty can sing -- and will have a career whether or not he wins Idol. Not my favorite song, but I do love Scotty's voice -- and he brings it every time. At some point, he's going to have to branch out, but you know what? I think he'll be fine. I don't know if he can trust me with his heart, but he can trust me with a vote. For me that was the best performance of the evening. Our grade for Scotty McCreery: A-

KAREN RODRIGUEZ singing Taylor Dane's "Love Will Lead You Back": Just. Shoot. Me. "CHEESE," says the spouse. Make that Cheez Whiz. "But she's got some serious boots." That spouse, he can find the good in anything. "And she's got some serious hair." True dat. She's also got some serious pitch problems. Yet another uninspiring, boring performance. Yawn. Karen will be safe this week, but she's a goner. Our grade for Karen Rodriguez: B (for bleh)

CASEY ABRAMS singing Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit": Pretty gutsy move. "He takes the prize for the night," says the spouse -- and I have to agree. "It was so anti-Thia," he added, which was a compliment. And I liked it too. HAVE NO IDEA WHAT J. LO WAS BITCHIN' ABOUT. OMG, SHUT UP, Randy. It's not all about you. And I disagree about it not being great vocally. Thought it was a great performance. In fact, it may have been my favorite of the evening, mainly because it didn't bore me -- and I like Casey (though those blinding white calves!). Our grade for Casey Abrams: A/A-

LAUREN ALAINA singing Melissa Etheridge's "I'm Not the Only One" with the flu: Good song choice, but no song is going to sound great when you have the flu. Someone get the contestants a family-size bottle of hand sanitizer -- stat. (Wonder how many contestants are going to make it to the results show tomorrow?) Considering Lauren has the flu, not bad, dawg. Not bad. Not great, but clearly the girl can sing -- and that was MUCH better than the first four performances tonight. And props to Lauren for giving it her all despite having the flu (and clearly not being 100%). We give Lauren Alaina an A-, and if she had been healthy, I bet it would be an A. (She is so going to be in the Top 3.)

JACOB LUSK singing Heart's "Alone": I hear the ticking of the clock -- and can't wait for Idol to be OVER. Love Heart, not loving Jacob's performance of "Alone." Just not working for me. Bad song choice. And Jacob can sing. Just too outside his wheelhouse -- and pitchy. The judges will love it though -- and Jacob will be safe. Our grade for Jacob Lusk: A-/B+

That's it for me, fellow American Idol masochists (i.e., viewers who watch American Idol week after week expecting something different). Will post who got sent home tomorrow tonight. My prediction as to who will be in the Top 3 this year: Pia Toscano, Scotty McCreery, and Lauren Alaina -- and, if he stays healthy, Casey Abrams (making it my Top 4 pick).

UPDATED: And Karen Rodriguez gets voted off Idol island. Should have been Naima, based on singing, but Karen was destined to adios eventually (IMO).

American Idol Top 11: The train wreck continues

I'm actually bummed that the producers of American Idol changed tonight's theme from "Teen Idols" to "Billboard #1 Hits" over the weekend. After all, for most of America, the American Idol contestants are Teen Idols (whether they are teens or not). And for us writers, the comedy (or snarkiness) potential was much greater with "Teen Idols" than with "Billboard #1 Hits." (Hmm... maybe that's why the producers switched the theme over the weekend.)

Despite the theme change, Miley Cyrus is still this week's mentor -- and will be pole dancing, I mean singing, her new song, "When I Look At You," on tomorrow's American Idol results show. Can't wait to see the video clips of Miley, like, giving the contestants, like, you know, pointers, dude.

Before we get to the Top 11 contestants, though, what is the deal with Kara DioGuardi and Simon Cowell and the overt flirting? Not only is it making me physically ill, it is very distracting. (Did Kara just yank down Simon's sweater?! EW.)

Now, on with highest rated Party in the USA.

Lee Dewyze: Can Lee deliver "The Letter"? Sigh. I think it got lost in the mail. I still love Lee Dewyze's voice, but like Miley -- and, like, everyone -- observed, Lee really needs to connect more with his fans and the audience, and deliver a great performance, which, contrary to what Randy, Ellen, and Kara said, he did not do. The good news, though -- at least for me, and other Lee Dewyze fans -- is that that performance was good enough to keep him around for another week. But Simon is right that Lee needs to prove he can be a contemporary artist if he wants to stick around for more than a week or two. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Lee a 6.5.

Paige Miles: First, a fashion note: I really like the way Paige is dressed tonight, though WTF was she wearing when she met with Miley?! As for her song choice, though, PHIL COLLINS?! OMG, shoot me now. Of all the Billboard #1s this young woman could have chosen, she chose Phil Collins's "Against All Odds"?! Well, it was against all odds that she would get this far, but after that ATROCIOUS -- and I mean ATROCIOUS -- performance, she has GOT to go. And for the record, she was never that good -- and should have gone weeks ago. Bring back Lilly Scott! Heck, I'd take Alex Lambert over this chick. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Paige a 1.

AN ASIDE: My daughter just asked me to multiply 116 x 52, which is 6032. When I asked her why, she said, "That's the number of Billboard number one songs the Idol contestants could have chosen." When put that way, it is downright depressing that we got "The Letter" and "Against All Odds."

Tim Urban: Queen?! Are you KIDDING me?! And, of course, Miley Cyrus has to hug the cute Jonas Brother wannabe. Ew ew ew. I am trying to be objective -- swear -- but Tim Urban can NOT carry a tune, even if it was strapped to his back. To say that that performance was "pitchy" is being kind. That was DREADFUL. Can we send two contestants home this week? The judges or producers only have themselves to blame for giving this no-talent a second chance. (And, for the record, my little girl thought Tim Urban SUCKED. "Not just sucked, but sucked BIG TIME," and I quote.) On a scale of 1 to 10, we give the Jonas Brother wannabe a 1.

Aaron Kelly: Frankly, I wouldn't mind missing the rest of this season of American Idol, but I keep hoping things will get better. Amazingly, despite having tonsillitis and laryngitis, Aaron Kelly sounds WAY better than both Tim Urban and Paige Miles -- even better than Lee Dewyze. Props to Aaron. He's a trooper, even if I hate his song choices. We give Kelly Kelly's son a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10.

Crystal Bowersox: I am slightly disappointed in Crystal's rendition of Janis Joplin's cover of "Me and Bobby McGee." Don't get me wrong. It was light years better than what we've heard so far, and definitely got better -- had that "WOW" moment -- towards the end. And Crystal Bowersox is still my favorite to win American Idol Season 9. But it was kind of flat. Like Ellen DeGeneres said, there is something lacking in Crystal's performance, a lack of connection between her and the audience. And for the record, I do NOT think that performance was as good as Pink. Sorry, Simon. Still, on a scale of 1 to 10, we give Mamasox an 8.

Michael Lynche: Like, OMG, (heart), Miley, like, totally loved Big Mike. I'm a fan, but I don't, like, (heart) Michael Lynche. Not that it's an either/or, but between Michael Lynche and Ruben Studdard, I'd take Ruben. Sorry Big Mike fans. Still, it was a nice performance, albeit it a safe, slightly boring one. And again, not a great song choice. Though, as Simon said, the guy's got tons of charisma and will be around for a while, which is not a bad thing. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Big Mike a 7.

Andrew Garcia: Speaking of the grapevine, I could use a drink. I am also "thisclose" to losing my mind with these performances. Sigh. WHY DIDN'T ANDREW JUST SING "STRAIGHT UP"?! It was a #1 on the Billboard chart, and clearly the judges want him to sing the damn song. "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" was not a good song choice for Andrew Garcia, though it is a good (make that great) song. And Simon (once again) was absolutely correct in saying Andrew sucked the soul out of that song, and that it was a lousy arrangement. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Andrew a 3. (Hey, he was better than Paige and Tim! Though that's not saying much.)

Clearly, a change in theme, to something you would think would be hard for contestants to screw up, did not help.

Katie Stevens: Listening to Katie (without looking at her), it is hard for me to believe that's the voice of a just 17-year-old. She has great tone, but OMG, PITCHY. Really pitchy. Make that really really pitchy. Sigh. Even though I'm a big girl, I think I may cry. :~( But, okay, compared to her other performances, this was better. Not great, but better. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Katie a 5.

Casey James: This one's for you, Kara. I'm a BIG Huey Lewis (and the News) fan, and always liked "The Power of Love" -- and think it was a good song choice for Casey James. He's just not selling it. "It's like he's in a frikkin' cover band," said the spouse (who just joined me). So true. Bleh. ("The best vocal of the night"?! Come on, Ellen! As for Kara... puh-lease.) For the record, the spouse made his comment way before Simon did. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Casey a 7.5.

Didi Benami: Pretty risky singing a song titled "You're No Good" on American Idol. And while it wasn't bad, it wasn't good. Toooo slooow. (Who arranges these songs anyway? Is it the contestants or someone else? Whoever it is, he or she should be fired.) And it was, all together now... pitchy. Sigh. Seriously, can we send them ALL home and start the season over? On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Didi a 5.

Siobhan Magnus: Clearly, someone has decided that Siobhan is this season's Adam Lambert. And Lord knows this season could use an Adam Lambert. (Hmm. If Siobhan is Adam, does that make Crystal Bowersox Kris Allen?) Hey, Siobhan: I think YOU are wicked cool. Not crazy about this arrangement of Stevie Wonder's "Superstition." A little too slow for me. But it's definitely one of the best performances tonight (though that isn't saying much). And -- right on cue -- there's THAT NOTE. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Siobhan Magnus a 7.5, maybe an 8.

I've had it with American Idol. And I'm with Simon, tonight SUCKED, and the contestants need to step it up. It's like they don't care. Bleh.

J-TWO-O out.

UPDATED: Yawn. Paige is gone. We're coming for you next, Tim.

American Idol attempts to channel the Rat Pack, gets Hamster Pack instead

Usually when Simon Cowell accuses someone of being "cabaret" or a lounge singer, it's a bad thing. But tonight, as American Idol goes retro and the contestants sing songs made famous -- or infamous -- by Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis, Jr., aka the Rat Pack, being called a lounge singer may just be a compliment.

******

Love Kris Allen's comment: "The theme is the Rat Pack. Aren't all those people dead?" Why yes they are, Kris. But being dead doesn't mean they're not current.

And speaking of Kris Allen...

The way Kris looks tonight is... a heckuva lot like Ryan. (Do you think they texted each other this morning to determine how much facial hair to show? Just sayin'.)

Okay, so he's not the best vocalist -- definitely not in the same solar system as Frank Sinatra -- but Kris did an okay job, and the ending sure was pretty. I give Kris a B. (I am instituting letter grades tonight.)

As for the judges' take... Wha? Randy, dawg, who were you listening to? Ditto Kara. And Paula is just creepin' me out. Thank GOD for Simon. Not sure Kris is a wet spaniel out for a walk, but he does seem a bit like a trained seal.

Allison Iraheta

"Innocent"?! I can think of a lot of adjectives to describe Allison Iraheta ("red-headed troll doll" being one that comes to mind) and her voice but "innocent" isn't one of them. I still can't believe the girl's only 17.

The pluses: The girl looked good. And damn she's got some powerful pipes. I think this was her best performance of the season.

The minuses: Nope. Don't got any. (Shocking, I know.)

Grade: A (but I still think her personality is a C -- and that Simon nailed it, yet again)

Matt Giraud

So what's the deal with the caps and hats? And why isn't he at the piano? Seriously, of all the songs to sing at the piano, this was a natural. Not a good sign.

"My Funny Valentine" is not one of my fave songs, and Matt's rendition was just okay for me, dawg. A little too pitchy and slow. (My daughter actually got up and left the room midway through the song. Another bad sign.)

My grade: B (though Randy's 6 out of 10 also works; and I have no idea what Simon was sippin' during the break because Matt's performance was nowhere near Allison's, emotion or no emotion)

Danny Gokey

Where's the martini glass?

At least Danny looks the part. But Oh.My.God. NOT ANOTHER BALLAD.

(My daughter, who is a diehard American Idol fan just looked at me and announced "I am NOT digging the Rat Pack." I'm with you kid, though I actually loved the Rat Pack -- as in Frank, Dino, and Sammy. These Idol contestants are more like the Hamster Pack: cute and furry, but without sharp teeth or an edge.)

I really like Danny's voice, and thought the ending was strong, but I just wasn't lovin' it and was kind of bored. (His choice of "Endless Love" the other week pretty much ended my love for him.) Sorry Danny fans.

Grade: B+

Adam Lambert

Forget old blues eyes. Here comes young blue hair.

NOW he takes out the white suit?! (And what material is that thing made of? It's awfully shiny...)

So here's what drives me (and the spouse, who is a former musician) insane about Adam: He has great chops -- a great voice -- yet he constantly overdoes it, or as the spouse said, is so completely over the top.

Randy nailed it when he said Adam was too theatrical. Adam IS too theatrical. But he and Simon (I can't even listen to Paula anymore) were right in saying that Adam also is the one to beat, that he really shows, week after week, that he wants to win it.

Grade: A-

Overall, not the worst week/group of performances ever, but I am definitely feeling more blah than good.

J-TWO-O out.

UPDATED 4/29/09 AT 9:54 P.M.: America has shown Matt the door. Not a surprise. Far more shocking was Allison being safe and Adam being in the bottom two. Btw, I thought Taylor Hicks was way better and more entertaining than Jamie Foxx, even though I loved Foxx in Ray. Until next week Idol fans...

American Idol Top 12: Like a Rolling Stone (UPDATED)

Fingers (toes and eyes) crossed that the remaining 12 American Idol contestants will come to my emotional rescue tonight and not leave me sticking out my tongue and screaming "I can't get no satisfaction."

(Note: While I am a big fan of the Rolling Stones, or was, like, 20+ years ago, I have to seriously question their judgment in allowing their songs to be eviscerated in front of millions of people. Are the Stones that hard up for money or fame? Really? Sure, there will probably be a few standout performances tonight -- Crystal Bowersox, Siobhan Magnus, Lee Dewyze, Michael Lynche -- but then again, maybe not. Taking on Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones on live TV is a risky proposition for anyone.)

And now, ladies and gentleman, your 12 American Idol finalists...

Michael Lynche: Aaaaw. Issa wittle bebe. Woogie woogie woogie. Sympathy vote! I like "Big Mike," but I won't miss him when he goes. To quote Randy Jackson (which I find myself doing waaay too often), Michael Lynche's version of the Rolling Stones' "Miss You" was "just all right for me, dawg" (contrary to Randy's "you slayed it" -- WHA?!). A good performance, but as Simon Cowell said, "it was verging at times on desperate... and corny." My grade for the Baby Daddy: B-

Didi Benami: So, Didi Benami is singing "Playing with Fire." Will she get burned? Methinks yes. Sigh. Once again Didi has forgotten the cardinal rule of American Idol, which can be summed up in six words: Song choice, song choice, song choice. Say WHA?! Randy? Seriously, you cannot think that performance was "on fire." A little smokey, but on fire? I don't think so. Once again, I disagree with the judges, whom I think will think differently when they listen to the playback. My grade for Didi Benami: B-

Casey James: Another sympathy vote. Good looking, can sing, and his mama raised him and his brother single-handedly after she divorced Casey's daddy and nursed him through a serious illness?! How does American not vote for Casey James?! (If Kara DioGuardi does not weep or go nuts over Casey, I want a refund.) Although it wasn't a great performance, I doubt "It's All Over Now" for Casey. My grade for Casey James: B

Lacey Brown: Another Texan. Yee-haw! Hmm. "Ruby Tuesday." Isn't that the name of a restaurant chain? ;-) Maybe Lacey was confused. Putting the snark aside for a few seconds, I like Lacey's voice; I just think she picks the wrong song and isn't a great performer. Tooooo sloooow. And no "wow factor." Lacey Brown's grade: B- -- and I think she may be going home this week.

Andrew Garcia: Another sad story. Sniff. Very touching, but I refuse to vote based on sympathy. So the question is, will America give Andrew Garcia shelter for another week? Maybe. Maybe not. Not an awful performance of the Rolling Stones' "Gimme Shelter," but definitely not memorable. And -- GASP -- I agree with Kara that the song needed (required?) a bit more intensity. Not a tank, like Simon said, but something... more. Andrew Garcia's grade: B- (Question: Are the judges going to mention "Straight Up" EVERY SINGLE WEEK? Does Paula Abdul get a royalty check every time one of them does or something? ENOUGH.)

Katie Stevens: I like Katie. She's cute, she's bubbly, and she has a good voice. But is she the next American Idol? Not this season. And "Wild Horses"? Well, wild horses may not drag her away, but a lack of votes may. Not a good song choice for young Katie, IMHO -- and toooo sloooow. Also, she still has some pitch problems. Still, the girl can sing. Just think her voice may be better suited to GLEE than to American Idol. A good performance, but far from great. I give Katie Stevens a B.

Tim Urban: Wait, is it Reggae night and someone forgot to tell me? (We've secretly replaced the Urbans with the Wailers. Now if only Tim Urban was Bob Marley.) Or, oo oo, is Tim Urban trying to do Jason Mraz doing the Rolling Stones' "Under My Thumb"? Regardless, it didn't work. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't good. And the judges, I think, sent a pretty clear message that they want Tim Urban gone -- and I do too. Unfortunately, Tim's Jonas Brothers (or Cassidy Brothers, for those of us who remember the 1970s) good lucks may keep him in the competition another week or two (or longer). Tim Urban's grade: C+

Siobhan Magnus: I see my television screen, and I want to paint it black. Though I am somewhat enjoying Siobhan's performance of "Paint It Black," even though it seems a little more "Phantom of the Opera" than Rolling Stones. And, OMG, there's that NOTE she sang in "Freedom." Is she going to be going all Adam Lambert on us, bringing out the drama and that signature high note in EVERY song? And for the record, I typed that BEFORE Kara DioGuardi made her Adam Lambert comment. So there. My grade for Siobhan Magnus: B+ (bordering on an A-)

Lee Dewyze: I can't believe Lee is nervous. He's got the whole package: voice, looks, talent. But I guess you can be good and not know it. How refreshing, though on American Idol that can get you sent home. And Lee Dewyze IS good. And he totally had a John Mellencamp thing going on with the Rolling Stones' "Beast of Burden," in a good way (though I kept waiting for him to segue into "Pink Houses.") But like Simon Cowell said, Lee needs to believe in himself, to make a stand, and have more confidence in himself. Otherwise, his killer voice and brooding good looks will be back in Mt. Prospect before the season is over (though not if I can help it). Lee Dewyze's grade: B+

Paige Miles: "Honky Tonk Woman"? Really? Of ALL the HUNDREDS of Rolling Stones songs, Paige picks "Honky Tonk Woman"? Huh. I'm kind of speechless. Kind of. And those wedgie-inducing shorts Paige is wearing are not helping. Back to Paige Miles' voice, I was about to write that I still did not think her voice was "all that." But now that I know she has laryngitis -- I have to give the girl props. Though I am only going to give her a B. Sorry Paige fans.

Aaron Kelly: First all, I just have to say: Kelly Kelly? His mother's name is Kelly Kelly? That may be worse than Elaine LaLanne. Okay, back to Aaron Kelly. Wait. Back to Kelly Kelly. No, back to Aaron Kelly. Sorry, "Angie" is just not doing it for me. Again, of ALL the HUNDREDS of Rolling Stones songs, Aaron picks "Angie"?! What is going ON?! Enough with the "tender moments." The kid is, what, 16? Why aren't the judges after him for picking songs that seem/sound way too old? Katie must be P.O.'d. I think Aaron has a nice voice -- NOT great. Bet the judges will re-think his performance when they listen back to Aaron's later tonight and/or tomorrow. My grade: a B (and that's being GENEROUS)

Crystal Bowersox: Does Ryan Seacrest have a tear in his eye? Why, I believe he does. Though Crystal's story -- or really her dad's -- about writing the song about her dad working all the time, but that she still loved him, was pretty touching. Sniff. Listening to Crystal sing "You Can't Always Get What You Want (But If You Try Sometimes You Get What You Need)," I find that hard to believe, at least in her case. At the very least, she's going to get into the Top Three on American Idol. Like Randy Jackson said, not Crystal's best performance, but I still love her. But like Simon Cowell said, she's got to bring it here on out if she wants to remain the favorite -- and not wind up like Lilly Scott.

Who do I think is going home after tonight? If I had my way it would be Tim Urban or Paige Miles, though I wouldn't be surprised if Lacey Brown is voted off.

That's all for tonight, peeps. Will update the post tomorrow night, after the American Idol results show.

J-TWO-O out.

UPDATED 3/17/10: Well, the luck of the Irish was not with Lacey Brown tonight. Filling out the bottom three were Tim Urban, who was sent back to safety first, and Paige Miles, both of whom should have gone home before Lacey. But that's American Idol for you. If Idol was fair, Lilly Scott would still be on.

American Idol Top 9 "Get Back" to the Lennon-McCartney songbook

Imagine there's no Tim Urban. It's easy if you try....

Once again, American Idol is hoping contestants draw inspiration -- and great performances -- from the songs of John Lennon and Paul McCartney, even though all nine of them were born waaaaaay after the Beatles broke up and John Lennon was shot.

Also, note to Aaron Kelly: please please please do not go the David Archuleta route and sing "Imagine." While it created a nice moment for Archie, despite Ryan's confusion, you are not him. And I swear, if I hear one more Idol contestant attempt that song I will turn off the TV.

Now on with the show. And speaking of the young Jedi, who should be first up tonight but...

Aaron Kelly (aka "Yoda"): The spouse just moaned "Noooo. Bad song to begin with; bad song choice," when he heard that Aaron Kelly would be singing "The Long and Winding Road." And I gotta agree. Sorry "Long and Winding Road" fans. Sappy song. Not Lennon and McCartney's greatest hit (IMHO). And even though I've grown to like Aaron, it felt, to use a Simonism (or two), "very karaoke," and "very boring." (Also, for the record, I thought "Long and Winding Song" before Ellen said it.) Not a good night for the young Jedi. My grade for Aaron Kelly: C+

Katie Stevens: Can American Idol please ban "Let It Be," the song and the album, from ALL future American Idol shows? PLEEEEASE? Katie did a nice job with the song -- wasn't pitchy at all (yay!) -- but COME ON, it was another slow, boring performance, and pray tell me how she changed up the song and "made it her own"? And I like Katie. My (really "our") grade for Katie Stevens (which is being heavily influenced by the spouse and child who really liked Katie's performance): B+

Andrew Garcia: FINALLY, an upbeat song, and I LOVE "Can't Buy Me Love." (Please don't switch it up and screw it up, Andrew. I will NOT forgive you.) Bumpy start, though thought it go a bit better towards the middle. However, the spouse, who was a musician, back in the day, just called it "schlock" and "cheap" and said "Simon is right." And being a good wife, I defer to him. (Also, what is the deal with the pompadour, Andrew? Were we going for a rockabilly/Brian Setzer or Buddy Holly feel?) My (make that "our") grade for Andrew Garcia: C/C+

Michael Lynche (aka "Big Mike"): Ah, look at all the Lennon-McCartney songs.... Gotta admit, I didn't think "Eleanor Rigby" was a great song choice, but I thought Big Mike did a nice job with the song and made it "relevant" or "current" or whatever the kids call it these days. It didn't have that "wow" moment for me, and I didn't think that Michael was "incredible" (as Ellen said) or that his vocals were "on fire" (as Kara said), but it was a good performance. (And for the record, the singers on Glee are better than this year's American Idol contestants.) My grade for Michael Lynche: B

Crystal Bowersox (aka "Mamasox"): Best. Performance. Of. The. Night. "Come Together," indeed. Well, Crystal, everything came together in that performance, though, like Randy, I found the "whole didgeridoo thing" a bit distracting. Still. My grade for Crystal Bowersox: A.

Tim Urban (aka "Teflon Tim"): Well, Tim has all of someone's lovin', as he's managed to somehow make it into the Top 9 despite being in the bottom two or three every week (and being one of the worst singers EVER to make it into the American Idol finals), but he's got none of mine. I think the nicest thing I can type about Tim's version of "All My Lovin'" is "Well, it wasn't his worst performance." My grade for Tim (not that it matters one teensy eensy little bit, cause you know Tim is going to be around for at least another week): C+ -- though I give Tim's hair a B+

Casey James (aka "Hawt Boy"): Uh, what is the deal with Casey's hair tonight? And I wish he'd lose the white jacket. (The look totally screams "lounge singer," though Casey's better than that.) Not that familiar with "Jealous Guy," which is not a bad thing. Just means I've got nothing to compare this performance to. (Though the spouse thought it was a poor song choice, especially considering ALL the songs he had to pick from.) Not the best performance of the night (despite what Simon said), but solid. My grade for Casey James: A-

Siobhan Magnus (aka "the Singer from Another Planet"): Well, Siobhan certainly looks (and acts?) like she came to American Idol from "Across the Universe." Not my favorite song choice (of all the Lennon and McCartney songs she could have chosen, she chose this?!) -- and not a good arrangement (WAY too slow), but I still think Siobhan has a beautiful, amazing voice. Just was not her best performance. My grade for Siobhan Magnus: B

Lee DeWyze (aka "Andrew Garcia's Bitch"): Nooooooooo! Anything but "Hey Jude." Sigh. (The spouse said "He should have sung 'She Came in Through the Bathroom Window.'" Agreed. Though I thought Lee should have song "Come Together," or, like, a hundred other Lennon-McCartney songs.) Na na na na-na-na-na... WTF?! Is that a bagpipe player?! I give the guy with the kilt an A and Lee DeWyze a B+. (I LOVE Lee, but it was not his best performance. And seriously, bagpipes? WTF?)

And so we come to the end of another episode of American Idol. Who will be going home? I've got no clue. Though my Top 4 is still Crystal Bowersox, Siobhan Magnus, Casey James, and Lee DeWyze. Will update the post manana.

Btw, rumor has it that Adam Lambert is going to be next week's mentor. We shall see.

UPDATED 4/7/10: And the judges use the save on Big Mike Lynche. I think it was a mistake, but time will be the ultimate judge. So now two go next week. Rounding out the bottom three were Aaron Kelly and Andrew Garcia. And, as rumored, Adam Lambert will be the mentor next week.

American Idol goes to the movies

This is J-TWO-O. And this is the official J-TWO-O American Idol post for April 14, 2009.

The "songs of the cinema"?! What's next, Cabaret Karaoke Night? Though I have to admit, I kind of liked the Quentin Tarantino intro montage. That may wind up being the best part of the show.

Allison Iraheta

Seriously, is that a wig? That's gotta be wig, right? And am I the only one who thinks she looks like a troll doll -- a troll doll with rockin' good pipes, but still a troll doll?

Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" was probably a good choice but man was she pitchy -- low and outside. But clearly Simon and the rest of the judges didn't hear what I heard. And Lil Rounds, baby, you was dissed, big time. Hope she hits it out of the park tonight. (Oops!)

Anoop Dawg Desai

Ten seconds in and I'm already half asleep. Bad arrangement, dude. And pitchy.

So everything he does he does for... Paula? Randy? Kara? Definitely didn't do it for Simon -- or me. "Probably one of his best" Kara? That's a scary thought, and I used to like Anoop. Say buh-bye, 'Noop Dawg -- if not this week, soon, baby.

Adam "Easy Rider" Lambert

Thank God he didn't pick Judy or Barbra. I was ready to lay odds that he was going to do "The Way We Were" or "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." But the man surprised me. "Born to Be Wild"? Nice. Props to you, Mr. Lambert. That was totally the right song choice, though I could do without the signature Adam Led-Zeppelin-esque screaming trill. Oh and Simon? That was just as good as, if not better than, last week's Adampalooza.

Can we just rename American Idol Adampalooza?

Matty G. (aka Matt Giraud)

"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman"?! Have you ever wanted to kill yourself? OMG. Come to this bar often, sweetheart? Make sure to tip your waiters! Come back for the next show, folks! Drinks half off with your ticket stubs!

Tell me have you ever really, have you ever really wanted to change the channel? I so wish Simon got to judge this one. Dying to know if he was going to go with "that was totally karaoke, Matt," "that was like some horrible wedding performance," or "I think after that, Matt, you should pack your bags." Damn.

Danny Go Go Gokey

Nooooooooooooooooo! ANYTHING BUT "ENDLESS LOVE." (Weeping, though probably not as much as Brooke Shields.) Btw, without looking at what I was typing the spouse just asked "WHY IS HE SINGING THIS SONG?!" Of all the movies and all the theme songs, he picks "Endless Love"?! No one may be able to deny his love, but I am going to deny him my vote after that song choice.

THE BEST THING ABOUT TONIGHT'S AMERICAN IDOL? New Star Trek movie preview. Awesome. May 8, baby. Beam me up, Scotty.

Kris Allen

Huh. Hmm. Uh... I give him high marks for emotion, passion, but, like Randy said, "It was pitchy from note one." Just didn't work for me, dawg. But of the remaining seven finalists, I think Kris is the most marketable -- and the camera loves him. And despite what the judges say, it's not just a singing contest. So he could wind up winning the whole thing.

Lil Rounds

Just get out the gun and SHOOT ME NOW. Seriously, is there some private contest we don't know about for choosing the most depressing song? "The Rose"? Why Lil? Why? I like Lil, but she has gotten worse with every week, and talk about pitchy. Too many thorns in this performance for me, dawg. Ouch. (Though the spouse just informed me that he thinks she did OK. Did I mention he's partially deaf? Though he was a professional musician... many years ago.)

Btw, Simon's look just said it all. And I agree 100% that she got it entirely wrong and is no longer the artist we met eight weeks ago.

The best thing about tonight's show? It's over.

J-TWO-O out.

UPDATED 4/15/09 AT 12:05 P.M.: Craig Berman over at MSNBC.com also had some great comments. (I forgot about Simon telling Adam his performance was like watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I can totally picture Adam as Dr. Frank N. Furter -- with Megan Joy as Janet and Danny Gokey as Brad. And we'll get Quentin Tarantino to direct the remake! BRILLIANT.)

UPDATED 4/16/09 AT 7:52 A.M.: I was watching the Mets play the Padres (Mets won!) and forgot all about the Idol results show. (True!) But I heard Matt got saved. But can he get down and boogie oogie oogie like it's 1976? Stay tuned next week as American Idol raises the mirror ball and goes disco! (So, is Lil Rounds going to sing Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" or some Donna Summer -- or totally surprise us? Can't wait to see what Adam's going to do, but a white suit may be involved.)

What Went On: American Idol Motown Night (abbreviated version)

Welcome Matt. You got it ON, Giraud.

And how sweet was Kris Allen?

I'm good 'n' 'Tyred of Scott.

Got no Joy from Megan. She better hope the voters need her.

Ah-Anoop, baby, baby.... It just wasn't that good for me, Dawg.

Good thing Michael Sarver ain't too proud to beg, cause he SUCKED.

I'm hot for Lil Rounds, but that performance left me lukewarm.

Take a good look at Adam Lambert. Not a hair looked out of place, and he had the audience, Paula, and Smokey in tears. (But I still think he's a bit of a clown.)

I was so ready for Danny Gokey. And while that performance wasn't outta sight, he did more than all right.

I know you're depending on me to tell you the truth, and Allison Iraheta was stone cold awesome.

My Final Four prediction after last night: Matt, Kris, Danny, and Adam

(Note: I really want Matt, Danny, Lil, and Allison, but I don't think the girls have a chance this year. Disagree? Lay it on me.)

UPDATED 3/26/09 AT 9:45 A.M.: For more on last night's American Idol, check out MSNBC.com contributor Craig Berman's commentary. He (like me) has been covering Idol for years, though this year he just seems to be regurgitating what the judges said. Also, DialIdol.com predicts that Scott, Megan, and Michael will be in the bottom three this week.

SLIGHTLY O/T, THOUGH STILL MUSICAL: Since yesterday I have had Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" playing nonstop on the mental jukebox. And I have NO IDEA what the video has to do with the song. I'm going to file this one in the same category as KC & The Sunshine Band's "That's the Way I Like It." Uh huh uh huh.

UPDATED 3/27/09 @ 7:45 A.M.: As predicted, Michael Sarver got the lowest number of votes and is heading back to family and rig. I would have preferred to have seen Scott go, but soon come. And I was floored that Matt was in the bottom two. Huh? Wha? And I even voted for the guy. Hmm... Until next week, Idol fans. (Btw, for the record, I watched the NCAA Basketball Tournament during most of Idol. Go UConn (who beat Purdue to move on to the Elite Eight)! Though the Pitt-Xavier game was darn fine basketball, too.)

Time for Anoop to "Beat It" and Jorge to "Say Goodbye." Plus, my "American Idol" predictions

For a show where the judges are constantly nagging the contestants to "be current," American Idol sure does seem hypocritical, picking the most non-current singers to feature in its theme weeks, and this week was no exception. Michael Jackson?! When was the last time Michael Jackson had a Number One song? Hey, I loved Michael Jackson in the 1980s, but most of the current contestants on American Idol weren't even born in 1982, when "Thriller" came out.

VISUAL ASIDE: The spouse was the one who pointed this out to me, but have you noticed that new American Idol judge, Kara DioGuardi, is a dead ringer for Valerie Harper as Rhoda in the early days of the Mary Tyler Moore Show?

GETTING BACK TO LAST NIGHT'S AMERICAN IDOL...

Here's how I rate the Top 13:

Lil Rounds: She really knocked me out. LOVE HER. A-

Scott MacIntyre: Eh. It was just okay for me, Dawgs. (Seriously, if this guy wasn't "visually impaired," he would have never gotten this far. He's a good singer but...) B

Danny Gokey: I want to love you... Dan-ny Go-key... A-

Michael Sarver: Oil rig operator with buried talent. Picking the right song. And the kid with the "Vote 4 My Daddy" t-shirt. Priceless. Already forgot what he sang, but I remember he did better than we expected. B+

Jasmine Murray: Looks 10, Song 3. Okay, not that bad. She can sing, and she looked great, but she's just not doing it for me. And bad song choice. Yawn. B

Kris Allen: Again, better than I expected, but totally forgettable. In fact, I already forgot what he sang. B

Alison Iraheta: The girl can sing, and rocked it out, but she leaves me cold. A- (given grudgingly)

Anoop Desai: Song choice, song choice, song choice. Time for Anoop Dawg to "Beat It" back to Chapel Hill. C

Jorge Nunes: Again, BAD SONG CHOICE. Time to say goodbye, Jorge, or as they say in Puerto Rico, adios amigo. C-

Megan Joy Corkrey: She may have rocked her last robin. Time to fly back to Utah. C+

Adam Lambert: Clearly the judges saw and heard something we didn't. If that wasn't a cruise ship performance... Begrudgingly, B+

Matt Giraud: Did NOT like that performance, though I like Matt. B

Alexis Grace: Ouch. Talk about choosing the wrong song. It was like watching Molly Ringwald trying to sing Led Zeppelin's "Black Dog."

Like Simon said, it was very over the top, and not as good as Alexis thought it was. B (and that's being generous)

Btw, the reason the show used "1-866-IDOLS-36" and not "1-866-IDOLS-13" for Alexis, who was the thirteenth singer of the evening, is because it's owned by a phone sex operation. (Don't worry. The link goes to an MSNBC article, not the phone sex operation.) Apparently host Ryan Seacrest discovered this little tidbit Tuesday morning, after dialing the number on his radio show.

So who will be singing for his or her supper elsewhere next week? I'm thinking adios Jorge and buh-bye Desai -- and am looking forward to seeing Kelly Clarkson perform "My Life Would Suck Without You" tonight.

(For the record, I voted for Lil and Danny, both of whom should make it into the Top 5.)

UPDATED WITH THE RESULTS 3/12/09:

No big surprises last night, except for Kelly Clarkson singing off key (and looking a little more "substantial" than in her video -- I know, "meow"). By rights, Jorge and Anoop should have gone home, or Jorge and Megan, as American Idol is supposedly a singing contest, but Jasmine blew it with her song choice (and it wasn't the first time), and the judges were right not to "save" her.

And yes, that is the new rule mentioned on Tuesday. Up until the Top 5, the judges can save a contestant from elimination once (i.e., if that person gets the fewest votes the following week, he/she is going home), but the decision has to be unanimous. And if someone gets saved (cough, Adam, Danny, Lil, Allison, and Scott), then two people supposedly get eliminated the following week, unless one of them is saved. Got it?

On a somewhat related note, it's "heartleSS," with an s at the end, Kanye, not "heartleh." Or maybe I'm just not dope enough to get how the kids these days are pronouncing it. (And what was the deal with the towel and low-butt jeans and the black leather gloves, Kanye? You planning on working on one of your rides after the show? Doing a little plumbing?)