I believe in keeping abreast of the news, but keeping breasts in the news? Not so much.
Look, I get it. Traditional evening network and local news shows have been losing viewers for years -- and news stations are under tremendous pressure to deliver eyeballs. But has it really come to this, ABC News? "At 'Breastaurants,' Business Is Booming.
While many restaurant chains are struggling, Twin Peaks, Tilted Kilt and others are thriving."
Wow, that must be really hard, guys -- researching and covering titty bars, excuse me, sports bars, like Twin Peaks (don't worry friends, sexism and misogyny are alive and well in America!), which are giving chains like Hooters some stiff competition.
Interviewing all those, uh, well-rounded females, about what keeps guys coming... back for more must be really hard work.
And OMG, did he just say "ample portions"?! (Excuse me while I bang my head against my desk. So, how'd that woman's lib thing work out for you ladies?)
Oh, and nice camera work, guys. I'm sure the audience was paying very close attention to those revenue numbers you were reciting against that backdrop of cleavage.
Poor Hooters. (Excuse me while I shed a tear.) How can it possibly keep up with the nubile competition when its "sales" are "sagging" and "flat"?
Duh! By becoming a family restaurant! Of course! It's so obvious. What woman wouldn't want to go out to eat with her husband and impressionable children at a titty, excuse me, sports bar?! (But J., you are saying, they have kids menus!)
Oh yeah, Nirav Patel, owner of the Hoboken Tilted Kilt, I am sure that what keeps customers coming is your... food.
Thank you nameless restaurant expert for keeping it real: "It's not about the wings, it's about the breasts."
And thank you, Nightline, for restoring my faith in journalism. Not. (Somewhere Ted Koppel is weeping.)
Get a Clue
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