How to really impress a woman

I seem to always be writing about how guys think. So today, as a public service, I'm going to reveal how women think -- or, more precisely, what women think is sexy. Or, to put it into guy-speak, how to improve your chances of getting laid.

Herewith, J's Guide to How to Really Impress Women

1. Actually listen to what she is saying -- and prove it by making a thoughtful comment that shows you have been listening.

Warning: If she tells you about some awful or unfair thing that happened to her, or mentions that she is feeling blue, do NOT under any circumstances say shit like "Cheer up!" or "Relax!" or "Things will get better" or offer her advice. No. Your role is to give her a hug and say things like "That really sucks" or "That's totally unfair." Keep in mind: Women want sympathy NOT advice, even if they ask for it. Above all, do NOT tell her those jeans make her ass look big, even if she's begging for it. Make up an excuse and just leave the room.

2. Help out around the house -- or volunteer to (i.e., don't make her nag ask you). Just remember: No man was ever killed while washing the dishes... or doing the laundry... or vacuuming the living room.

3. Make dinner -- and clean it up. There are few things sexier than a guy who can cook -- well. (The only thing sexier than a guy who really knows how to cook, and cleans up afterward? A guy with an English or French accent who is a great cook, and cleans up afterward.) On one of my first dates with the spouse, then boyfriend, he invited me over to his Brooklyn loft -- and made me red snapper. I HATED red snapper, but when I saw all the food he had prepared and how hard he had worked, I said I loved red snapper and smiled as I forked that fish into my mouth. And you know what? It was pretty good. Also, for you guys who are paying attention, he scored. Q.E.D.

4. Do stuff she wants to do -- and don't whine about missing the occasional baseball/basketball/hockey/football game (unless it's the playoffs, in which case, I'm right there with you). I'm not talking about buying ballet tickets, unless you like ballet. I'm talking about finding out what she likes to do -- and then proposing you do that. Except for shopping. Unless you really like shopping for women's clothes (other than at Victoria's Secret), or are a masochist, do not go there. Trust me.

If you really like her (or want to get laid), you will find something you both like or you can tolerate. And if sports are really your passion, invite her to a game -- and be patient. Show and tell her why you are so passionate about the sport, taking the time to explain the various nuances, in a patient NOT patronizing way. But don't push it. If she's really not interested, drop it. While I was a big baseball fan when I met the spouse, I had little or no interest in basketball or football. But thanks to his careful tutelage -- and, okay, being in Chicago during Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls' heyday -- I became a rabid basketball fan. And when we moved back east, I became a big-time Giants and Jets football fan.

Note to women: Want to really impress a guy? Become a sports fan.

5. Don't brag, or show off, or name drop. Being confident is one thing. Women love confidence in a man. Being a name-dropping, brand-identifying braggart is another. Unless, that is, you are looking for a woman who only cares about the size of your paycheck, the label in your shirt, and your social status.

6. Groom thyself. While I know there are many women who are still into the whole grunge thing, and even I find a day or two day's growth kinda sexy on a man, no woman is going to want to sleep with you, or even get near you, if you smell, or have a nasty haircut, or look like the last time you got any exercise or saw the sun was in high school. I'm not saying you need to look like David Beckham. (Though really, feel free -- have you seen that man's abs? Niiiiiiiice). But if you want to really impress a woman, pay some attention to your personal hygiene and get a gym membership (or start running, or eat less crap). Also, would a little manscaping kill you?

7. Only have eyes for her. I know, I know, biology -- you caveman, need to procreate... God gave you eyes so you could look at women... looking isn't the same as touching. Can it. You really want to impress a woman when you are out? Do NOT look at other women. I do not care if Adriana Lima just sat at the table next to you. Keep your eyes front and center, mister (and not on her chest -- either Adriana Lima's or your date's/girlfriend's/wife's).

8. Prove that chivalry is not dead. Feminism shmeminism. Women like to have doors opened for them and chairs held out -- and be treated like a lady.

Okay, I think that's enough for one blog post. I don't want to overwhelm you guys.