Memo to the spouse re Valentine's Day

I have no idea if the spouse is planning on getting me something for Valentine's Day this year. And I would not be in the least bit upset if he didn't get me anything*. But just in case you do decide to get me something, Sweetie, it should positively, absolutely, not be one of the following, which, I am sure some woman out there would appreciate (though I have no idea who you are -- and don't want to know), just not me.

First up, the Hoodie-Footie Wild Style Leopard.






















Under no circumstances are you to get me this. Got it, Tiger?

I think you ladies will agree with me when I say WTF?! What am I, eight? Seriously, what grown woman wears footy pajamas -- with ears and a tail? (Hope you didn't have one specially monogrammed for me, honey.)

Thanks, but no thanks, Pajamagram.

Next on the Valentine's Day no-no (or should I say non-non?) list, the Sexy Little French Maid outfit from Victoria's Secret:






















While I have been known to do windows, I will not be doing you if you get me that outfit. Comprenez, mon amour? (Seriously, I think Victoria's Secret needs to set up a "Mistress" and/or "Role-Playing" section on their website.)

Finally, while I love a good hard salami, I do not want to get one for Valentine's Day, even if you throw in flavored cheese and fudge.





















Okay, I believe my work here is done.

*Though a little dark chocolate mousse or a moist piece of chocolate cake with raspberry filling would be nice.