You call this dancing? You call these stars?

Several people have asked me, Do you watch Dancing with the Stars? The answer? No, though technically it should be yes as I have, on occasion, tuned my cable box to ABC at 8 p.m. (when both Chuck and Glee weren't on or were in reruns, as is the case tonight). But to date I have never managed to watch more than about 10 (okay 15) minutes of the show.

It's not that I don't like dancing. Quite the contrary, I love to watch dancing -- good dancing -- which is why I enjoy watching So You Think You Can Dance. But Dancing with the Stars, for the most part, involves neither A-list dancing or A-list stars, and despite what you might think, I don't take pleasure in watching celebrities fall on their asses (literally or figuratively), even Tom DeLay, whom I actually found somewhat endearing when he was on DWTS.

But tonight, people, at the prompting of a good friend who insisted this season of Dancing with the Stars was must-see TV, I'm giving it one more shot. So, here I am, with a (somewhat) open mind and an open laptop, about to watch (and kvetch about) Dancing with the Stars.

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Ooh, the Double Score Showdown. So does that mean Kate Gosselin can do twice as bad?

And Passion Night. Seriously, it's like the producers knew I'd be watching. (I love the tango, for real.)

But before we begin with the commentary, could someone PLEASE explain how Brooke Burke beat out Melissa Rycroft for the Vanna White -- I mean co-host of Dancing with the Stars -- gig? And what is with Tom Bergeron and the lame jokes?

And now we dance! First up...

Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Sweet dreams are not made of this. That said, I doubt I would/could tango any better with a bad back and three-inch heels. But this isn't about me. It's about Erin, and man did she look stiff and uncomfortable. And where was the passion? As for the judges scores, what is this, an ice skating competition? You get one score for technique and another for performance? Oh right, it's the Double Score Showdown. Well, no matter how you score it, Erin and Maks are in big trouble (with mostly 6s).

ASIDE: It appears that it's not just these women's egos that have been inflated, if you catch my drift.

Evan Lysacek & Anna Trebunskaya: (I love how Anna keeps telling Evan how to properly go down during rehearsal. :-O) Now Mr. Lysacek can move -- and almost looks like he's having fun. Still a bit too concerned about his technique, and a little too stiff, but I give the guy an "A" for effort, especially with two broken toes. Wha? "Cat-like arrogance"?! What the heck does that mean? (Who is this Bruno guy? And would he be a guest judge on American Idol? Please...) And the judges' scores: 26 out of 30 for Technique; and 26 out of 30 for Performance. (What about the Russian judge?)

ASIDE: It is cruel having professional dancers show how a dance is supposed to be done before the "stars" attempt it. And seriously, could no one have gotten Kim Johnson a dress? What is this, Dancing with Victoria's Secret Models?

Niecy Nash & Louis van Amstel: (I don't watch a whole lot of TV, and don't read entertainment magazines, but if Niecy Nash is a "star," I should have heard of her. Just sayin'.) OMG, I can't watch. Total mismatch. Niecy looks like she could squash Louis like an ant at a picnic -- and almost did. It was like they were doing two different dances. And passion? Pfft. Puh-lease. And the judges' scores: 18 out of 30 for Technique; 18 out of 30 for Performance.

Wow, I'm so glad they decided to do the Double Score Showdown this week because the scores for technique and performance have varied so widely. NOT.

Aiden Turner & Edyta Sliwinska: (So first we had lessons in going down from Anna and now we have Edyta telling Aiden how to feel her up. Awesome. They should just forget the whole "dancing" thing.) Love Edyta. But Aiden can't dance and looks scared shitless (as well as shirtless). Sigh. Looks 10, Dance 3? And the judges' score for Technique: 15 out of 30. Uh oh. What about Performance? 6... 6... 6... which is 18 out of 30 or a total of 33 out of 60. I'm thinking Aiden could be going back to Pine Valley this week.

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough: Ooo, the dance of love.... Please, Dancing with the Stars band, won't you play Misty for me? Gotta say, I'm with the judges. Nicole looked nervous -- and the dance was kind of flat (which one cannot say for Nicole's chest) -- though she is a way better dancer than the other ladies. And despite their comments, the judges are showing Nicole and Derek a lot of love, with 25 out of 30 for Technique and... 25 out of 30 for Performance. Yawn.

Jake Pavelka & Chelsie Hightower: As a So You Think You Can Dance fan, I have a soft spot for Chelsie Hightower, who was one of my favorite dancers. And for some bizarre reason, I find Jake Pavelka strangely endearing. Though can we please stop referring to no-talent people who appear on reality TV shows "stars"? But getting back to the dance, I'm no expert on technique but this is by far the best performance so far. They actually look like they are having fun and moved quite well across the floor. And the judges' scores for Jake and Chelsie? 19 out of 30 for Technique; 19 out of 30 for Performance, which I thought was way low. Beh. Considering Jake was almost booted last week, he could be heading back to Vienna sooner than he wants.

Kate Gosselin & Tony Dovolani: OMG. Can this woman please SHUT UP?! Did someone hold a gun to her head to go on Dancing with the Stars, or to do a reality TV show (make that two)? If she's so effing concerned about custody and appearances, why isn't she at home (or closer to home) with the kids? As a PR expert once told me, the second you start making excuses, it's over. You've lost. Just put up and shut up (like Jake's t-shirt said). As for Kate Gosselin's dancing? It sucked. If she danced the same way between the sheets, it's amazing she and Jon produced two kids without artificial help. And the judges' scores: 14 out of 30 for Technique, which was GENEROUS, and 18 out of 30 for Performance, which was/is RIDICULOUSLY GENEROUS.

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke: Sorry, can't get past the image of Chad Ochocinco dragging Cheryl down a football field. Not the worst performance of the night, but gyrating one's hips does not a rumba dancer make. And the judges' scores: 21 out of 30 for Technique; 23 out of 30 for Performance. (And, oh yeah, Bruno totally wants Chad. Also, I am very bummed that I could not refer to Chad as Chad MuchoStinko. :-(

Pamela Anderson & Damian Whitewood: Sorry, can't get past the Pamela Anderson skank factor. (Sexy? Really? Ew.) Though she seems like an OK dancer -- but where's the pole? Putting aside the snark (for a second), I thought it was one of the better (best?) performances of the evening. Pam can dance, and there was definitely some passion. And the judges' scores: 23 out of 30 for Technique; 24 out of 30 for Performance. She'll definitely be around for another week.

So what did you think, guys? You Dancing with the Stars fans, enlighten me -- and let me know who you think is going home this week. (By rights it should be Kate Gosselin, but she seems to have a lot of fans.)