Politically correct Christmas* carols

*I mean Holiday

Imagine that all the beloved Christmas songs we knew and sang (most of which were written by Jews) had to be politically correct, i.e., racially sensitive, or non-discriminatory.

Well, you no longer have to imagine, thanks to Paint!

Presenting "Progressive Christmas Carols":



Wishing everyone a merry ChanuMasZaa... and a Happy New Year. (It's still okay to say "Happy New Year," right?)

Can we please have a moratorium on Christmas...

At least until after Thanksgiving?

I don't care how incredibly cute the John Lewis 2014 Christmas advert featuring Monty the Penguin is...


(And it is insulin-injection-needed-stat cute.)

I do NOT want to see advertising for Christmas on November 7th...

When I beheld the ad above and this Christmas spectacle at Stamford Town Center, featuring Santa Claus, several elves, and Christmas music being blasted from speakers...

And I especially do NOT want to start celebrating Christmas on November 1st (when the Crowne Plaza in New Orleans put up its Christmas decorations), or on November 6th (which also happens to be my birthday and when John Lewis published its Monty the Penguin Christmas advert), or pick your date in November!

Nor do I want to celebrate Christmas (or Hanukkah, for that matter) on Thanksgiving. (DO YOU HEAR ME, RETAILERS? Apparently not, except for you, Nordstrom and Costco. For which I thank you.)

Can't a girl enjoy the fall, and some turkey and stuffing, in peace, without feeling pressured to shop? (I'm pretty sure the mas in Christmas does not stand for mas shopping.)

I am so exasperated, I am thinking of starting a petition on Change.org. But before I do, I would love some feedback from all of you. Do you think I'm a Scrooge and that we should start celebrating Christmas as soon as Halloween has ended? Or do you think, like me, that the Christmas season should not begin until December 1st? Please let me know via a (respectful, non-abusive) comment.

I wish you a merry November.

You can't spell Christmas without C-a-t

Christmas is almost here, people! And nothing makes one merrier than a bunch of adorable cat and kitten videos. Indeed, there should be a holiday just for celebrating cats. You could call it Catmas! (Or not.) Anyway, consider this post my Christmas present to all of you fellow cat lovers.

First up, "How to Transport Your Cat," which has got cute in the bag.



Next vet visit, forget about the cat carrier. Just get out a plastic shopping bag!

[H/T to Cuteoverload.com]

That cat video not ringing your bells? Perhaps you're in the mood for something a bit more festive. Well then, how about a chorus line of adorable kittens bobbing their heads to the tune of "Jingle Bells"?



Or perhaps you'd prefer something slightly more menacing, slightly more mature, slightly more... Maru.Well, you are in luck, my friends. Live from Japan, just in time for Christmas, the latest Maru the cat video, featuring Maru and kitten Hana.



All together now: Aaaaw.

[That video totally reminds me of Garfield and Nermal. Though no way would Garfield ever share his bed with or groom Nermal.]

And no Christmas cat post would be complete without a video of Simon's Cat.



[While there are newer Simon's Cat Christmas videos, this one, titled "Santa Claws," is still my favorite.]

Wishing you all a meowy Catmas!

The Year without a Chrismukkah

As some of you may know, Hanukkah, the Jewish Festival of Lights (aka Christmas for Jews), begins on the twenty-fifth day of the Jewish month of Kislev (which is not Hebrew for December, though it typically coincides with December).

As the Hebrew calendar is based on lunar cycles, this means that Hanukkah -- also known as Chanukah -- can fall anytime between November 28th and December 26th. And this year, for the first time in many moons, Hanukkah fell on Thanksgiving, giving us Thanksgivukkah -- or eight days of turkey and latkes.

That also meant, a year without a Chrismukkah.

A year without a Chrismukkah? Why, that's like a year without a Santa Claus, but without the cool songs.



[I never get tired of watching the Snow Miser/Heat Miser songs -- or an excuse to feature them on the blog. Thank you Rankin/Bass and ABC Family.]

While many Christians are happy not to have to share Christmas* (even though Christ was actually born in June and what we now call Christmas is actually the Roman pagan holiday of Saturnalia, which Christian leaders co-opted in the 4th Century CE or AD), this has posed a dilemma for interfaith families and New York Jews for whom Chrismukkah is a tradition. (I still have fond memories of singing the Messiah with my other Manhattan private girls school Jewish friends.)

For example, do you still put the Hanukkah topper on the Christmas tree?

[Yes, Virginia, there is a Hanukkah tree topper. (You're welcome, Morri.)]

And can you still sing "The Hanukkah Song" at Christmastime, even if Hanukkah ended nearly three weeks before?



So many questions.

Fortunately, order, and Chrismukkah, will be somewhat restored next year, in 2014, when Hanukkah begins on December 16th and ends on Christmas Eve (aka December 24th).

Until then, have yourselves a merry little Christmas, or Kwanzaa, or whatever.

*Or as Dave S. calls it, the Holiday for Everyone [unless you are Jewish, or Muslim, or Hindu, or an atheist]

Jingle balls?

And now I bring you tidings of comfort and Joe from ye merry gentlemen of Kmart. (Sometimes I wonder if the K in Kmart stands for Kinky.)

Presenting Kmart's new Christmas ad for Joe Boxer underwear, titled "Show Your Joe."



Ho ho ho.

UPDATED 1:25 PM: Just for grins, I searched online to check out the Joe Boxer briefs -- only to find that Kmart does not appear to carry them. :-/

Have yourselves a merry little...

This Christmas I asked Santa for some peace on Earth and goodwill to all mankind. Hope he delivers.

Gift wrapping is a bitch

The second most stressful thing about the holidays? Gift wrapping.

First you have to pick the right paper. Then you have to cut it to just the right size. Then you have to tape it together -- without getting the tape stuck to itself or smudged with fingerprints -- and fold the ends just so and tape them. And the eternal debate: ribbon vs. bow vs. nothing?

I like Jimmy Kimmel's advice: Why not just wrap the person's head? (Which, after watching this very funny video of Jimmy Kimmel's Aunt Chippy trying to wrap a box on Jimmy Kimmel Live, in a video titled "Chip's Tips -- How to Wrap a Present," made even more sense.)


And that, friends, is why there are gift bags.

Bonus video: "How to Wrap a Cat for Christmas."



I don't know what drug that cat is on, but I need to get me some.

Putting the "Cat" in Christmas

Watching the latest Simon's Cat video, titled "Santa Claws," brings back fond Christmas memories. Fond for me, that is. Not so sure for my mother, who was the one typically shooing our two curious Siamese cats away from the tree and all of the fragile ornaments we had carefully placed on it.



Fortunately, our Christmas trees -- and ornaments -- fared much better than Simon's.

Putting the ho ho hos in Christmas

Apparently, putting the Ho in Halloween was not good enough for Victoria's Secret. Now they've gone and put the ho ho hos in Christmas.

(Not that I am saying that Victoria's Secret models are hos. But they are going to freeze their tuchuses off dressed in those skimpy outfits at the North Pole. Just saying.)


Also, my suggestion re next year's Victoria's Secret Christmas video? Less singing, more cleavage.

Moving right along....

While I understand Victoria's Secret is an "intimate apparel" company and that sex sells, selling sex for Christmas just seems, I don't know, wrong. (I don't know about all of you, but I do not want to envision mommy French kissing Santa Claus.)

Call me an old fart but it used to be if you were naughty, you got a lump of coal, or nothing. Now if you're naughty, you get lingerie from Victoria's Secret.

Though, seriously, who buys panties that say "WHERE'S MY GIFT?"

THE SCENE: The boudoir
GAL (dressed only in her new Victoria's Secret "WHERE'S MY GIFT?" panties): "You like?"
GUY: "Where's my gift? I've got your 'gift' right here, sweetheart."

(See, this is the reason I don't write romance novels, people.)

Hoping you've been nice this year....

All I want for Christmas is...

Jimmy Fallon (and the Roots) making annoying Christmas songs listenable again.

Yes, folks, Jimmy Fallon has done the impossible. He has made me like Mariah Carey's overplayed, oversung Christmas song "All I Want for Christmas Is You" likeable again. Even more amazing, he has made Mariah Carey likeable. (The producers of American Idol should send Fallon a check.)

Check out this great Late Night "Music Room" version of "All I Want for Christmas Is You," performed by Jimmy Fallon, The Roots, Mariah Carey, and a bunch of adorable elementary school kids.



Take that, Justin Bieber!

It's the 2012 J-TWO-O Holiday Gift Guide!

It's the 2012 J-TWO-O Holiday Gift Guide, your one-stop blog post for fun, quirky yet practical, as well as inexpensive, Chanukah and Christmas gifts!

First up, Holidickeys -- mostly because I love saying "Holidickeys." Say it with me now: Holidickeys. So what are Holidickeys? Per the Holidickeys FAQ page, "Holidickeys are faux collars inspired by the changing seasons.  You may refer to them as dickeys, toppings or johnny collars. Holidickeys come in Peter Pan and Ruffle collars and in a variety of seasonal prints." (Note: These dickeys are just for women.)

And speaking of shirts, how about a stylish, super comfortable tee or a polo shirt from Prepster Pineapple? Makes a great stocking stuffer for the preppy guy or gal in your life! (Did you people seriously think I was not going to pimp my own business?)

And speaking of guys, forget beer goggles. Instead, get him a pair of beer socks! (Sock It to Me also has other great socks for men and women, including sushi socks, bacon and eggs socks, and ninja socks.)

To warm the hearts and (other parts) of coffee, tea, or cocoa drinkers, consider the Chalk Board Mug from the Spoon Sisters. No more having to guess which mug has decaf! (Click on the link to see other great kitchen-related gift suggestions.)

And what goes better with a cup of cocoa than a delicious chocolate-covered Hanukkah-themed pretzel rod from the Painted Pretzel? (That would be a rhetorical question, i.e., don't answer. Work with me here, people.) Heck, forget the cocoa, just give me a six-pack of dark-chocolate-covered pretzels. (Sadly, their Deck the Halls Christmas gift pack already sold out, but the Painted Pretzel has other yummy chocolate-covered pretzel gifts still available.)

Moving from the kitchen to the living or dining room, may I suggest the Brooklyn Slate Cheese Board? Perfect for entertaining, plus no more people asking you, "What kind of cheese is that?"!

For the nerd in your life, how about a Star Wars-inspired flash drive from Mimoco.com?

Mimoco also has Star Trek, Hello Kitty, and super hero flash drives.

And speaking of Star Wars (and nerds), how about a lightsaber flashlight? Perfect for when you go to the dark side! (Batteries included not.)

Getting back to fun flash drives, check out this cool lipstick flash drive, which would make a great stocking stuffer or holiday gag gift for the woman in your life or a female friend with a sense of humor.

Or maybe your lady prefers more traditional hardware? If so, why not get her this 135-piece tool kit -- in pink! Sisters are doin' it for themselves. (Though my father always said the only kind of hardware a woman wanted was this.)

And even though you probably have a set of salt-and-pepper shakers, I think the Silent Butler Cutlery Salt and Pepper Shakers from Eco-Artware.com is pretty cool, as well as environmentally friendly!

Speaking for eco-friendly gifts, check out these adorable soy tealight candles from Green Irene, which come in creme brulee, spiced chai, and other tasty flavors. (They would have come in handy after Super Storm Sandy blew through, though I personally can't stand scented candles.)

Looking for a gift to give the celebrity obsessed or a magazine lover? Head on over to YourCover, where you can create a personalized fake magazine cover of your loved one -- or coworker or friend.

For you cat lovers or those who have friends with cats, I recommend the Cat Scratch DJ Turntable (mostly because that picture cracks me up, though my cat, Felix, would probably use it).I also like the Sharp-End Cat Pencil Sharpener, which makes a nice stocking stuffer, and the Cat Tao Glasses from Uncommon Goods (which have become our favorite glasses since my sister-in-law bought me a set for my birthday last month).

And for the dog person in your life, I suggest the Bad Dog Tumblers or the Interactive Dog Puzzle.

Last but in no way least, for those in a charitable mood this holiday season (or to teach a youngster in your life the importance of giving, as opposed to receiving), give someone you love a cow... or a goat*... or a pig this holiday season, courtesy of Heifer.org. Did you know, and I quote, that "The gift of a dairy goat can supply a family with up to several quarts of nutritious milk a day -- a ton of milk a year"? And "Extra milk can be sold or used to make cheese, butter or yogurt." When was the last time a gift you gave to someone did that?!

Want to recommend a gift? Just a leave a comment with the name of the item and a link to it.

*Putting the baaaa in baaaah humbug?

Christmas is a beach

Growing up in New York City, the child of divorced parents for whom Christmas meant very different things, Christmas was always a confusing holiday to me (and not just because I was Jewish).

For my mother (a Jew from the suburbs of Philadelphia), Christmas meant getting out her bags and boxes of Christmas ornaments, which she had begun collecting in her 20s. Untangling and then testing strand upon strand of twinkly lights which, no matter how carefully we put them away the previous year, still wound up getting tangled and having loose bulbs, which caused the entire strand not to work. Putting on a stack of classical music records on her old but serviceable portable stereo. Pouring herself a glass (or two) of good red wine. And then spending the evening (and possibly the next) decorating the enormous (to me) tree she picked up somewhere on Lexington or Third Avenue.

To this day, even though I have not decorated a tree with my mother in well over 20 years, I have fond memories of Christmas -- and not just because it was the one day of the year when I received a pile of presents and could wake my mother up before 9 a.m. (though that didn't hurt).

For my father, a near-scratch golfer (and also a Jew), Christmas meant going someplace warm to play golf with his buddies. It was also the holiday I was assigned to spend with him. So typically as soon as I had finished unwrapping and admiring my hoard of Christmas goodies, I was whisked off to the airport to spend the next six or seven days on or a near a beach someplace, either alone (as my father played golf all day then had dinner with friends) or with the "mother's helper" who would accompany me when I was younger.

And I hated it, even though I love warm weather and palm trees. Not only was I horribly lonely at a time of year that's supposed to be about getting together with friends and family (both of which were in short supply in my life), but Christmas, at least to me, meant a nip in the air, snowflakes falling, people skating at Rockefeller Center (or Wollman Rink), and singing Handel's Messiah with a group of strangers -- not palm trees, pina coladas, and Reggae music (though I have since come to love all three of those things). Also, the crowds and lines at the airport were enough to deter any sane person from traveling at that time of year.

That is probably why, after I graduated from college and no longer had a winter break, I stopped spending Christmas in the Caribbean or Florida -- even though I start pining for warm weather as soon as the temperature dips below freezing.

Then, this weekend, while strolling the beach on Sanibel Island (while the teenager was away at the Yale Model Congress) at sunset, the spouse and I came across this little Christmas tree, all lit up, just a few feet from the water.

A couple had placed the little Christmas tree there in hopes of featuring it on the cover of this year's Christmas card. And as I stood there, looking at that little tree all lit up, the water gently lapping in the background, the sun setting just ahead, I felt an overwhelming sense (or should I say tidings?) of comfort and joy. And I realized, Christmas can be a beach or the North Pole -- or something in between. What truly matters is not where you spend it but who you spend it with.

Wishing you comfort and joy this Chanukah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa....

Christmas Style

Less than 30 days 'til Christmas, people! Do you know where your Christmas lights are?

Admit it, you love those houses that go way overboard for Christmas -- as long as they are not next door to or down the block from you. And by overboard, I am not talking strings of pretty twinkly lights tastefully draped over a few trees or a discreet little manger in the front yard. Oh no. I'm talking a life-sized plastic Santa and sled pulled by eight not-so-tiny reindeer and/or a Las Vegas-worthy sound-and-light show.

Speaking of which, while synching your Christmas lights with music is nothing new (love that Waitresses song), I am horrified amused by how people try to one-up themselves or their neighbors each year.

And now in the ultimate fusion of pop culture and holiday commercialism, someone has gone and synchronized his Christmas light display to the Korean pop (or K-pop) hit "Gangnam Style" by PSY, the video of which just became the most-watched video ever on YouTube with over 805 million views. (Don't worry, Justin Bieber fans. I'm sure the Bieb will be okay.)



I particularly love these two YouTube comments about the "Gangnam Style" Christmas house:

"Your neighbors must love you..." from stewis93

and

"The only way this would be even more awesome is if Santa came out of the garage doing the dance," from brokinwand92, which I totally agree with. (Indeed, it is only a matter of time -- days -- until someone does a "Gangnam Style" parody featuring Santa and some sexy reindeer or helpers.)

Christmas ads already? What happened to Thanksgiving?

I realize that "Bah Humbug" could be my middle name, but there is a part of me (the New York Jew who celebrated Christmas for nearly 20 years and sang the Messiah part) that has a soft spot for Christmastime -- the little twinkly lights, the conifers all decked out, peppermint lattes, gingerbread cookies, even (some of) the music (before it is overplayed to death).

But I loathe how what is or was supposed to be a celebration of the birth of Jesus (though he was actually born in June -- the December date was originally the Roman pagan festival of Saturnalia) has become a retail feeding frenzy -- and how each year we see Christmas ads and decorations a little earlier. Indeed, this Target Christmas ad debuted before Halloween!



To answer your question, Target, No, I am not ready.

Coca-Cola, Mercedes-Benz, and Lowe's have also been airing Christmas ads. And those are just the ones I've happened to see.

I realize one little blogger's lament will not stop the pre-Thanksgiving Christmas madness, but I know I would feel a bit better knowing Nordstrom and I weren't the only ones who thought Christmas ads and decorations should wait until after Thanksgiving (i.e., please to be leaving a comment showing your support for celebrating Christmas at Christmastime and not before). And do not get me started about Hanukkah/Chanukah and Kwanzaa.

Thank you.

This is what happens when you ask Santa for a reindeer

Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the Keller's house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Except for a five-foot buck (which sure looked like a reindeer)....

See, kids, this is how legends -- and famous poems -- get started.



Despite questioning by reporters, the Kellers remain mum on the scrap of furry red suit and the ash foot prints found around their chimney -- and where they got all the extra presents.

Hope you all had a very merry Christmas!

Isn't Justin Bieber a bit tall to be Santa's elf?

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber to stop making Christmas videos
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...
Not this



Most (all?) of you know how I feel about annoying Christmas music, but this new version of "All I Want for Christmas Is You," performed by Justin Bieber and Mariah Carey, gives Wham! a run for the money. (Also, while I think Mariah Carey looks better than she has in years, Carey trying to seduce the Bieb in a skimpy Santa costume is more than a bit disturbing.)

Please make it stop.

[Consider this an Open Thread to voice your opinion about the best and worst Christmas songs.]

Bah humbug

It's not even December 1, and already I'm wishing for Christmas -- and New Year's Eve -- to be over and done with.

And it's not because I'm Jewish. (Like many New York City Jews, I grew up celebrating and loving Christmas -- trimming the tree, singing Handel's Messiah, opening gifts.) Or that I am in a rush to get to 2012 (far from it). No. It's because if I see one more Christmas ad (I'm talking to you, Walmart, and you, Target, and you, "every kiss begins with Kay"), or Christmas deal email from some online retailer, or another ad for the movie New Year's Eve (from the people who brought you Valentine's Day! another loathsome holiday) -- and don't get me started about those Christmas music mixes every store seems to have on an endless loop this time of year -- I'm going to start screaming... out loud.

Also, is it just me or does it seem there is more pressure than ever to buy stuff, lots of stuff, this holiday season? (And what's with the pepper-spray attacks?! I'm pretty sure Jesus Christ would not approve.) Shouldn't we give because we want to, not because we have to -- or some retailer plays on our emotions?

And what's with showing all those Rankin/Bass animated Christmas specials in November?! Last time I checked, Christmas was still on December 25. Frosty the Snowman will have melted by then.

You know the real reason bears hibernate? So they don't have to deal with Christmas and New Year's Eve.

Felix Navidad (or How to Put a Cat in a Santa Hat)

So for Christmas this year, we (okay, the daughter and I) thought it would be hysterical to take a picture of our black cat, Felix, in a Santa hat. Why? So we could wish our friends a Felix Navidad.*

Get it? Felix Navidad! It's a riff on José Feliciano's Christmas song, "Feliz Navidad" -- "one of the most downloaded and aired Christmas songs in the United States and Canada," per Wikipedia.

Easier said than done.

Let me just say, when it comes to putting a cat in a hat, unless you are Dr. Seuss (or these guys), good luck. Though we came close, as this photo and video (our third attempt at capturing getting Felix to wear a Santa hat) attest.



Note: No humans were injured in the making of this video. And, this evening -- wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles -- the daughter managed to get the Santa hat on Felix!

















Wishing you a Meowry Christmas...



*Also, we were totally jealous of all those rabbit owners who kept flaunting their Christmas outfit-wearing bunnies over on Disapproving Rabbits. And wanted to one up them by putting a cat in a Santa hat.

This Nativity scene is definitely not kosher

I heard about this bacon-and-sausage Nativity scene while listening to The Splendid Table this weekend on NPR -- and kept muttering "bacon-and-sausage Nativity scene" to myself while shopping so as not to forget to Google it when I got home.

Behold, the power of pork products!

For unto us a cocktail wiener is born?

We three kings of sausages are?

















(Apparently these people did not know that Mary, Joseph, and Jesus were Jewish -- or have an interesting sense of humor/irony.)

Merry Christmas gifts

This Christmas, give those you love the gift of laughter with one of these (slightly) naughty but nice Christmas gifts.

First up, forget jewelry or perfume, give the woman in your life what she truly wants, a hot guy with a really cute baby animal -- with the aptly named Hot Guys and Baby Animals 2011 calendar.

As the website says:

Are you sick and tired of seeing studly dudes showing off their perfectly sculpted muscles? Have you had enough of those adorable baby animals flaunting their newborn, fuzzy cuteness? Yeah, we didn't think so.

And speaking of fuzzy cuteness, why not get her these plush fleece sushi slippers from Uncommon Goods to kick back in?

As the description says: "This delectable set of salmon (orange) and tuna (red) rolls are sure to satisfy your cravings for rest and relaxation. Handmade from plush fleece with extra-cushy batting and no-slip, water resistant soles. Truly comfort food for the sole."

And for him, how about a nice warm (slightly naughty) sweater, like this Excited Snowman from Skedouche? (Sadly, I just discovered that the Excited Snowman sweater is out of stock, but make sure to bookmark the site so you can be sure to order your naughty or tacky Christmas sweater next season!)

You can also put some magic back in his life with this Magic Wand Programmable TV Remote from ThinkGeek.

As the retail wizards at ThinkGeek explain:

Our Wand may not make legions of kobold minions explode into flames, but it will learn up to 13 commands from your existing remote controls and map them to particular magical motions. Flick the wand from side to side to flip the channels, twist the wand to turn up the volume. A beam of light will shoot out the unicorn tail hair and magic will happen! The Wand can learn from any remotes in your house and once you master its 13 movements, you can mastermind a symphony of electronic enjoyment from the comfort of your couch. Then, and only then, are you an epic level controller.

And for the pessimist in your life, how about this "This glass is now half empty mug" from Despair.com (which is one of my all-time favorite sites and has the most brilliant FAQ page EVER)?

Last but not least, give your little ones a gift they'll never forget this Christmas, like staph or herpes (pictured at left)!

After all, nothing says "I love you" like a virus! (Achoo!) Especially when it's blown up to thousands of times is natural size and is cute and cuddly and plush!

(A tip of my Santa hat to Friend of the Blog David T. for introducing me to GIANTmicrobes.)

I could go on (and on). But I won't.

Happy Christmas shopping!