And I wonder why I don't get flowers

Because no good deed goes unpunished. (Or unquestioned.)

The Spouse: [Walks into my office & presents me with a beautiful bouquet of roses and spring flowers.]

Me: Did someone send me flowers?

The Spouse: Me, I did.

Me: Aw, sweetheart, they're lovely! Thank you! [Gives the spouse a big hug and kiss. Then pauses.] Wait, what did you do?
 
The spouse: Nothing.
 
Me: [Eyes him suspiciously.] What are you not telling me?
 
The Spouse: [Now giggling nervously] Nothing! I love you and just wanted to surprise you with flowers.
 
Me: O-ka-ay... [Gives him another hug and kiss... and a side eye.] Thank you?!
 
The Spouse: You're welcome.

And I wonder why I don't get flowers more often (or at all).

(Actually, it's because our two cats eat them and knock over/smash the vases.)

Gift wrapping is a bitch

The second most stressful thing about the holidays? Gift wrapping.

First you have to pick the right paper. Then you have to cut it to just the right size. Then you have to tape it together -- without getting the tape stuck to itself or smudged with fingerprints -- and fold the ends just so and tape them. And the eternal debate: ribbon vs. bow vs. nothing?

I like Jimmy Kimmel's advice: Why not just wrap the person's head? (Which, after watching this very funny video of Jimmy Kimmel's Aunt Chippy trying to wrap a box on Jimmy Kimmel Live, in a video titled "Chip's Tips -- How to Wrap a Present," made even more sense.)


And that, friends, is why there are gift bags.

Bonus video: "How to Wrap a Cat for Christmas."



I don't know what drug that cat is on, but I need to get me some.

It's the 2012 J-TWO-O Holiday Gift Guide!

It's the 2012 J-TWO-O Holiday Gift Guide, your one-stop blog post for fun, quirky yet practical, as well as inexpensive, Chanukah and Christmas gifts!

First up, Holidickeys -- mostly because I love saying "Holidickeys." Say it with me now: Holidickeys. So what are Holidickeys? Per the Holidickeys FAQ page, "Holidickeys are faux collars inspired by the changing seasons.  You may refer to them as dickeys, toppings or johnny collars. Holidickeys come in Peter Pan and Ruffle collars and in a variety of seasonal prints." (Note: These dickeys are just for women.)

And speaking of shirts, how about a stylish, super comfortable tee or a polo shirt from Prepster Pineapple? Makes a great stocking stuffer for the preppy guy or gal in your life! (Did you people seriously think I was not going to pimp my own business?)

And speaking of guys, forget beer goggles. Instead, get him a pair of beer socks! (Sock It to Me also has other great socks for men and women, including sushi socks, bacon and eggs socks, and ninja socks.)

To warm the hearts and (other parts) of coffee, tea, or cocoa drinkers, consider the Chalk Board Mug from the Spoon Sisters. No more having to guess which mug has decaf! (Click on the link to see other great kitchen-related gift suggestions.)

And what goes better with a cup of cocoa than a delicious chocolate-covered Hanukkah-themed pretzel rod from the Painted Pretzel? (That would be a rhetorical question, i.e., don't answer. Work with me here, people.) Heck, forget the cocoa, just give me a six-pack of dark-chocolate-covered pretzels. (Sadly, their Deck the Halls Christmas gift pack already sold out, but the Painted Pretzel has other yummy chocolate-covered pretzel gifts still available.)

Moving from the kitchen to the living or dining room, may I suggest the Brooklyn Slate Cheese Board? Perfect for entertaining, plus no more people asking you, "What kind of cheese is that?"!

For the nerd in your life, how about a Star Wars-inspired flash drive from Mimoco.com?

Mimoco also has Star Trek, Hello Kitty, and super hero flash drives.

And speaking of Star Wars (and nerds), how about a lightsaber flashlight? Perfect for when you go to the dark side! (Batteries included not.)

Getting back to fun flash drives, check out this cool lipstick flash drive, which would make a great stocking stuffer or holiday gag gift for the woman in your life or a female friend with a sense of humor.

Or maybe your lady prefers more traditional hardware? If so, why not get her this 135-piece tool kit -- in pink! Sisters are doin' it for themselves. (Though my father always said the only kind of hardware a woman wanted was this.)

And even though you probably have a set of salt-and-pepper shakers, I think the Silent Butler Cutlery Salt and Pepper Shakers from Eco-Artware.com is pretty cool, as well as environmentally friendly!

Speaking for eco-friendly gifts, check out these adorable soy tealight candles from Green Irene, which come in creme brulee, spiced chai, and other tasty flavors. (They would have come in handy after Super Storm Sandy blew through, though I personally can't stand scented candles.)

Looking for a gift to give the celebrity obsessed or a magazine lover? Head on over to YourCover, where you can create a personalized fake magazine cover of your loved one -- or coworker or friend.

For you cat lovers or those who have friends with cats, I recommend the Cat Scratch DJ Turntable (mostly because that picture cracks me up, though my cat, Felix, would probably use it).I also like the Sharp-End Cat Pencil Sharpener, which makes a nice stocking stuffer, and the Cat Tao Glasses from Uncommon Goods (which have become our favorite glasses since my sister-in-law bought me a set for my birthday last month).

And for the dog person in your life, I suggest the Bad Dog Tumblers or the Interactive Dog Puzzle.

Last but in no way least, for those in a charitable mood this holiday season (or to teach a youngster in your life the importance of giving, as opposed to receiving), give someone you love a cow... or a goat*... or a pig this holiday season, courtesy of Heifer.org. Did you know, and I quote, that "The gift of a dairy goat can supply a family with up to several quarts of nutritious milk a day -- a ton of milk a year"? And "Extra milk can be sold or used to make cheese, butter or yogurt." When was the last time a gift you gave to someone did that?!

Want to recommend a gift? Just a leave a comment with the name of the item and a link to it.

*Putting the baaaa in baaaah humbug?

A brief Valentine's Day gift guide

Only one month until Valentine's Day, people! Though I apparently missed the memo announcing that Valentine's Day had been renamed Make a Porno Day. For what other explanation could there be for giving gifts like this "Sexy Little Valentine" from Victoria's Secret:


















I don't even know what this is or where one is supposed to where this -- maybe Halloween? (In case you were wondering, the lower bit is actually a thong -- ouch -- and the heart wand comes with.)

Or this little (and I mean little) number from 2(x)ist's Love Me line? (Also, what is it with heart-shaped balloons in strategic places?)


















Full disclaimer: I saw the Love Me briefs and trunks on the TODAY Show and was "this close" to buying the spouse a few pairs, until I visited 2(x)ist's website. I love the spouse dearly, and think he's in pretty good shape, but I don't think I could have kept a straight face seeing him parade around in a bright red banana hammock with the words "Love Me" printed across them.

What happened to giving the one you love flowers, or chocolates, or jewelry -- or a vacuum cleaner -- for Valentine's Day?

You gotta kiss a lot of frogs...

before you find your Prince Charming.

Or you can save yourself the time and trouble and Grow a Prince.

I don't remember who gave me Grow a Prince (part of a series of Collectible Magic Growing Things*), but it is one of my favorite gag gifts -- and I keep it near my side always (just in case the spouse gets out of line).

I particularly love the package copy (click on the photo to get a larger view) -- and the callout: "Grows 600% its size!" (Guys, you wish.)

Like the package says, "It just might be a fairy tale come true (or maybe you'll just kiss a really cute frog)."

And just in case things don't work out with the spouse or my inflatable prince, I've got a backup...















Ribbit.

*I may have to get Grow a Therapist.

Merry Christmas gifts

This Christmas, give those you love the gift of laughter with one of these (slightly) naughty but nice Christmas gifts.

First up, forget jewelry or perfume, give the woman in your life what she truly wants, a hot guy with a really cute baby animal -- with the aptly named Hot Guys and Baby Animals 2011 calendar.

As the website says:

Are you sick and tired of seeing studly dudes showing off their perfectly sculpted muscles? Have you had enough of those adorable baby animals flaunting their newborn, fuzzy cuteness? Yeah, we didn't think so.

And speaking of fuzzy cuteness, why not get her these plush fleece sushi slippers from Uncommon Goods to kick back in?

As the description says: "This delectable set of salmon (orange) and tuna (red) rolls are sure to satisfy your cravings for rest and relaxation. Handmade from plush fleece with extra-cushy batting and no-slip, water resistant soles. Truly comfort food for the sole."

And for him, how about a nice warm (slightly naughty) sweater, like this Excited Snowman from Skedouche? (Sadly, I just discovered that the Excited Snowman sweater is out of stock, but make sure to bookmark the site so you can be sure to order your naughty or tacky Christmas sweater next season!)

You can also put some magic back in his life with this Magic Wand Programmable TV Remote from ThinkGeek.

As the retail wizards at ThinkGeek explain:

Our Wand may not make legions of kobold minions explode into flames, but it will learn up to 13 commands from your existing remote controls and map them to particular magical motions. Flick the wand from side to side to flip the channels, twist the wand to turn up the volume. A beam of light will shoot out the unicorn tail hair and magic will happen! The Wand can learn from any remotes in your house and once you master its 13 movements, you can mastermind a symphony of electronic enjoyment from the comfort of your couch. Then, and only then, are you an epic level controller.

And for the pessimist in your life, how about this "This glass is now half empty mug" from Despair.com (which is one of my all-time favorite sites and has the most brilliant FAQ page EVER)?

Last but not least, give your little ones a gift they'll never forget this Christmas, like staph or herpes (pictured at left)!

After all, nothing says "I love you" like a virus! (Achoo!) Especially when it's blown up to thousands of times is natural size and is cute and cuddly and plush!

(A tip of my Santa hat to Friend of the Blog David T. for introducing me to GIANTmicrobes.)

I could go on (and on). But I won't.

Happy Christmas shopping!

Father's Day Gifts He'll Really Appreciate

Father's Day is June 21st this year, and if you haven't already gotten dad a gift, allow me to suggest the following....

Cheers to Dad!

Dad like beer? If so, give him a subscription to the Beer of the Month Club. It's a gift that will keep on giving (or at least for 11 more months). And we're not talking your basic Bud or mass-produced Miller, my friends. Oh no. Each month, dad will receive a carefully selected, highly delicious, hand-crafted microbrew, delivered right to his door. And if you're real nice to him, he just might share.

Oh Captain My Captain

Allow dad to boldly go where few Star Trek fans have gone before with this official replica Star Trek Classic Captain Kirk Chair. (Note: Blonde babe not included.)

Per the manufacturer: "This full-size recreation of the U.S.S. Enterprise's captain's chair is designed from detailed drawings supplied by Paramount Studios and is approved by Paramount. It delivers all the accents and details from the historic prop, along with modern lighting, sound effects, and phrases designed to thrill any Star Trek enthusiast!

"The unbelievable chair measures 41-inches tall x 42-inches wide x 39-inches deep. It weighs about 215 pounds! The working swivel seat with wooden handles, leather seat cover, and armrest controls make this the perfect addition to any collection, display, home theater, or museum!"

You can beam one up by clicking on the link above.

(Note: If the captain's chair is a bit beyond your pay grade, a Star Trek Phaser from ThinkGeek.com also makes a stunning gift, at an eighth the price.)

For the Guy Who Likes to Be in Control

Introducing the Control-Your-Woman Talking Remote, from a company called "Perfect Solutions." (You wish.) I'll just let the product description speak for itself:

"Why waste precious time and energy trying to control the thoughts and actions of your significant other when you can automate the process? Let our talking remote controllers do it for you. Heard all you can bear to hear? Just push a button. Need an instant attitude adjustment? Just push a button! Wanna turn up the romance? Just push a button!

"Each controller delivers 18 hilarious verbal one-offs and accompanying sound effects sure to put your guy or gal on the right track while ensuring your right of self expression! Who knew controlling your mate could be as easy and entertaining as surfing the channels?!"

If only....

Last, but not least...

For the Dad Who Could Use a Little Help in the Grooming Department

Introducing the ManGroomer Private Body Shaver, for below-the-neck grooming. 'Nuff said. (Though, is it just me, or does the ManGroomer bare a striking resemblance to the FURminator?)

And for the man with a permanent hair shirt, there is the ManGroomer Electric Back Hair Shaver, which also makes a nice gift -- for him and for her.

With these personal grooming products, dad will be a smooth customer in no time. (H/T to Amy of i could cry but I don't have time, who called this to my attention. Seriously, what did we do before Bed Bath & Beyond?)

UPDATED 6/11/09: For the Dad Who's a Steak-Lovin' Cowboy at Heart, or to make sure no one (except maybe mom) messes with dad's meat, how about a personalized steak brand? Talk about a gift that sizzles. You can buy brands with his initials, the word "Dad," his favorite team, or even his political party.

Wishing you and your dad a happy Father's Day....

What not to get her this holiday season

Personally, I love the Eureka Cordless Quick-Up floor sweeper the spouse got me last Valentine's Day. But I can understand how some women might be a little miffed or disappointed at receiving a vacuum cleaner as a holiday present (even if it did have two bags) or more RAM (which I believe I also received on some occasion) or a piece of gym equipment (though I love my free weights).



However, I think this video* is a bit extreme -- though it echos my father's sage advice: Want to get on her good side? Just get her some hardware (as in the hard stuff you wear on your finger or around your wrist or neck, i.e., gold jewelry, preferably with diamonds or other precious gemstones, not something you'd pick up at Tru Value). Though I understand that for many guys jewelry buying can be a harrowing experience.

Herewith, as a public service, some advice on what NOT to buy your better half for the holidays (unless you want to risk a trip to the doghouse):

* a membership to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig

* a gym membership or workout equipment (unless she's a body builder or specifically asks)

* season tickets -- to her favorite theatre or dance company, OK; to your favorite football, basketball, hockey or baseball franchise (unless she's truly a fan), not OK

* anything from Stupid.com (unless she has a really good sense of humor)

* a USB Rocket Launcher, Slave Leia Poster, or pretty much anything from ThinkGeek.com (again, unless she a good sense of humor, and you don't mind sleeping on the couch)

* clothing in anything over a size 6

* chocolate (unless it's the really good stuff)

* lingerie (unless you are recently married and/or you really know what she likes and her size)

* Grand Theft Auto IV (or I, II, III or V), Madden NFL 09, or Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (noticing a theme here, guys?)

* sausage products (unless you live in the Midwest and she has a thing for brats)

Btw, I know this list is FAR from inclusive, but I still have the dreaded man cold and am not at my most creative. But you can help me.

Ever gotten a "what was he thinking?!" gift? Or have additional suggestions? Leave me a comment. Similarly, feel free to suggest some really great gifts.


*You can see more Doghouse ads here.