New Year's Resolutions We Wish People Would Make

Instead of making New Year's resolutions for ourselves this year, how about we create a list of New Year's resolutions we wish other people would make -- and keep?

I will start off the list, but feel free to add to it via a Comment.

(Note: You do not have to have a Blogger or Gmail account or a blog to leave a comment. You can check Anonymous or just leave a Name, no URL necessary.)

Herewith, 14 New Year's Resolutions We Wish Other People Would Make -- and Keep -- for 2014 (listed in no particular order):

I resolve not to talk so loudly into my mobile phone that the guy three seats away can hear me.

I resolve to not chat on my mobile phone during movies, shows, weddings, funerals, while on the toilet, or during gynecological appointments.

I resolve not to chat on my mobile phone handset or text my friends while driving and to pay attention to the road and the drivers around me.

I resolve to play my car radio or music at a volume you can't hear three cars or even one car away.

I resolve to use my turn signal -- before making a turn.

I resolve to not drive like an a-hole and nearly run you off the road for driving at (or slightly above) the speed limit.

I resolve not to be such an a-hole (in general).

I resolve not to constantly name-check.

I resolve not to constantly brag about my kids or assume you will agree that they are the cutest/smartest/most [insert adjective here] by constantly posting sh*t about them on Facebook.

I resolve to return emails and phone calls within 24 hours.

I resolve that I will not wait until I am 15 minutes late to call or text you that I am running late.

I resolve to fact check all political statements or promises before assuming they are facts and/or mass emailing them.

I resolve not to forward spammy chain or "good luck" emails to my friends and family members.

I resolve not to make promises, commitments, or resolutions I can't keep.

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2014!

Get Lucky: Rosh Hashanah Edition

I've seen some interesting takes on the Daft Punk hit "Get Lucky" (Stephen Colbert's being my favorite), but this may be the oddest one.

I give you "Get Clarity: Aish.com's Rosh Hashanah Music Video"!



(So much for "Thou shalt not break dance.")

Wishing all my Jewish readers a sweet new year -- and clarity. L'shana tova.

The Good Things Jar Challenge

I am not into making New Year's resolutions, but at the end of last year, the teenager and I decided that we could use a bit of an attitude adjustment -- to focus on all the good things that happen to us instead of harping (and obsessing) on the bad. No easy task for a teenage girl and a jaded middle-aged woman.

So on New Year's Day we created the Good Things Jar (technically the Good Things Rubbermaid Container, but "Jar" had a better ring to it).

As you can see, the Good Things Jar is currently empty (though the teenager found out last night that she got a 97 on her end-of-year Math test, so that will go into the jar later).

The goal: to fill the jar -- maybe even create a second jar! -- by the end of 2013. Not an easy task for two people whose philosophy is "hope for the best, expect the worst," though the teenager used to be way more positive before her hormones and high school kicked in. Still, I think it is possible for each of us, certainly her, to find one really good thing to note and write down each day. That said, things like "found a good parking spot," "school didn't totally suck," "I didn't burn dinner," and "had a good hair day" don't count. Items that go into the Good Things Jar have to be true accomplishments or good deeds. But that just adds to the challenge, in a good way.

Will give you a progress report over the summer and again at the end of the year.

In the meantime, wish us luck!

BONUS MUSIC VIDEO OF DEVO PERFORMING "THAT'S GOOD"!

...and a Hoppy New Year

Here's to making it over life's hurdles in 2013.

Jewish New Year's Resolutions

In honor of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, I offer up the following New Year's Resolutions. (Note: Any resemblance to real Jewish persons is entirely a coincidence.)

• I will not brag about my son... the doctor... who graduated from Harvard, with honors, and was just listed by some big important magazine as one of the best doctors in [insert name of city here]. (And did I mention he and his lovely wife just bought a lovely new house and are about to give me my first grandson?) 

• I promise to have sex with my husband, that is, if he can tear himself away from that blonde shiksa he hired. (I have no idea what he sees in her. Also, her boobs? Totally fake.) And would it kill him to get his back waxed?

• I will not brag about my new car (a Maybach, only cost me $425,000). 

• I will not nag my children about calling me more often, though would it kill you to pick up a phone once in a while? (Email, shmemail. Feh.) 

• I will keep my mouth closed about my daughter, who insists on living in sin with that no-good deadbeat. Would it kill him to get a real job? And what's with the earring? 

• I will not brag to all my friends about my grandchildren... though, did I mention, my granddaughter was just accepted at Harvard, Yale, Stanford, and Princeton?  

• I will listen to my wife complain without rolling my eyes.

• I will not post embarrassing pictures of my children/grandchildren on their Facebook pages. (Bar and bat mitzvah photos from the 1970s and 1980s don't count, do they?)

• This year, I will lose 20 pounds. Now would you be a dear and pass me more noodle kugel? 

• I will not pass judgment upon others. (Though did you see [insert name here]'s house? It's like animals live there. Disgusting. And did you see what she wore to the club the other night? What does she think she is, 25? And him! Running around with that woman. Shameful.)

L'shanah tovah!

Bah humbug

It's not even December 1, and already I'm wishing for Christmas -- and New Year's Eve -- to be over and done with.

And it's not because I'm Jewish. (Like many New York City Jews, I grew up celebrating and loving Christmas -- trimming the tree, singing Handel's Messiah, opening gifts.) Or that I am in a rush to get to 2012 (far from it). No. It's because if I see one more Christmas ad (I'm talking to you, Walmart, and you, Target, and you, "every kiss begins with Kay"), or Christmas deal email from some online retailer, or another ad for the movie New Year's Eve (from the people who brought you Valentine's Day! another loathsome holiday) -- and don't get me started about those Christmas music mixes every store seems to have on an endless loop this time of year -- I'm going to start screaming... out loud.

Also, is it just me or does it seem there is more pressure than ever to buy stuff, lots of stuff, this holiday season? (And what's with the pepper-spray attacks?! I'm pretty sure Jesus Christ would not approve.) Shouldn't we give because we want to, not because we have to -- or some retailer plays on our emotions?

And what's with showing all those Rankin/Bass animated Christmas specials in November?! Last time I checked, Christmas was still on December 25. Frosty the Snowman will have melted by then.

You know the real reason bears hibernate? So they don't have to deal with Christmas and New Year's Eve.

10 Can't Miss New Year's Resolutions

Admit it, every year you come up with a bunch of well-meaning New Year's resolutions that you know you're not going to keep, but you make them anyway. So this year, why not make some resolutions you might actually keep?

Presenting... 10 Can't Miss New Year's Resolutions!

1. I resolve to get up in the morning. Or at least try to.

2. I resolve to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Unless Conan or Jimmy Kimmel or Jon Stewart has on someone really good.

3. I resolve to exercise. Once in a while.

4. I resolve to eat healthier. Starting next week. Or the week after.

5. I resolve not to complain between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7 a.m.

6. I resolve to be nicer to people. When they are not pissing me off.

7. I resolve to do that thing I've been meaning to do. When I get around to it.

8. I resolve to spend less time on the computer and more time with people. On the computer.

9. I resolve to not be envious of all the cool stuff other people have. Just as soon as I get all that cool stuff.

10. I resolve to stop making New Year's resolutions. At least ones I know I'm not going to keep.

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2011!

Forget 2010. Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999.

Prince's album, 1999, was released way back in October 1982, when 1999 seemed, like, a million years away.

Yet, like Prince himself, I think the album, and particularly the title track, "1999," have held up surprisingly well, don't you?

08.Prince.-.1999 from Mauricio Onate on Vimeo.

So, in honor of Prince, instead of partying like it's 2010, I'm gonna party like it's 1999 tonight*, by sharing some classic videos from that year.

First up, Cher's "Believe," which I cannot believe is from 1999.


Followed by a little Ricky Martin, "Livin' La Vida Loca"...



(Ricky, we hardly knew ya.)

And who could forget "Smooth" by Santana, featuring Rob Thomas?



I know I can't.

And before Bieber Fever (and glee), there was... Britney, whose debut single, "...Baby One More Time," from her debut album of the same name, went to Number One on the Billboard Hot 100 in early 1999.



Man, I feel old.

To find out what other songs were topping the charts way back in 1999 (I know: cringe), click here.

Wishing you all a happy, healthy, and prosperous new year...

*Btw, by "party" I mean make and eat some homemade pizza, drink some sparkling wine, watch a bad movie (or two) and be in bed by 11 p.m.