Who names these hurricanes? 2022 Edition

Every year, the World Meteorological Organization, which is based in Geneva, Switzerland, comes out with a list of hurricane names. They do so in order to simplify communication about these life-threatening storms. (For the history of hurricane naming, read this article from the National Ocean Service.) 

Maybe it's because the World Meteorological Organization is based in Geneva. Or maybe it's because it's hard to come up with over 20 new names ever year. But I can't help feeling I would do a better job naming hurricanes. Take this year's list of hurricane names, for example, which are as follows: 

• Alex
• Bonnie
• Colin
• Danielle
• Earl
• Fiona
• Gaston
• Hermine
• Ian
• Julia
• Karl
• Lisa
• Martin
• Nicole
• Owen
• Paula
• Richard
• Shary
• Tobias
• Virginie
• Walter

You cannot name a hurricane Bonnie and not name the next one Clyde. I mean, come on! Colin? Seriously? What were the Swiss thinking? 

And where's the o in Hermine? Hermine? Really? Though I like the idea of a Harry Potter theme. You could name the hurricanes after Slytherins and/or various villains. You could have Bellatrix for B, Crabbe for C, Draco for D, Gilderoy or Grindewald for G, Narcissa for N, and, of course, V would be Voldemort, the hurricane that should not be named. 

As for the other names on this year's list, I don't know about you but I get the feeling it was a Swiss guy who picked Danielle and Virginie, perhaps to get back at former girlfriends. Though I think Gaston is a great name for a hurricane. No one blows like Gaston! Wipes out homes like Gaston! No one's as frightening with lightning and thunder like Gaston! 

Anyway, here's hoping we don't have to use all of the names, and if we do that none of them reach Category 4 or 5 or stay offshore. 

This Valentine's Day, go bear

I admit, I got excited when I heard that Build-A-Bear had released a new line of "adult" teddy bears. I mean, why should Halloween get all the sexy? Especially when everyone knows that Valentine's Day, or VD Day as I like to refer to it, is the sexiest holiday? 

But I was sadly disappointed when I went to check out the Build-A-Bear "After Dark" line of adult-themed teddy bears. I mean, look at these guys? 

Sorry, Build-a-Bear, but there is nothing sexy or adult about these adorable stuffed toys. They're not even naked!  

The Love Bandit Bear the spouse got me from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company -- no pants and a Zorro mask! -- was way sexier. (Though maybe he was too sexy as he has since been retired.) 

Maybe instead of a sexless teddy bear, get your sweetie something he/she will really appreciate, like a heart-shaped box of cheese, or a heart-shaped pizza, or a bouquet of bacon this Valentine's Day. 

Sending love to all of you...

J. 

Hurricane names have gotten ridiculous

I don't know about all of you, but to me a hurricane should sound fierce not friendly. It should have a name that strikes fear into people, like Loki or Odin or Thor -- or Hera or Poseidon or Zeus. Not sound like someone you'd hang out with at a sports bar or your grandmother played mahjongg with.

But for some reason, the World Meteorological Organization, the body that names Atlantic and Pacific hurricanes, keeps giving hurricanes chummy names. And this year is no exception, as you can see by the list of 2021 Atlantic hurricane names: 

1. Ana
2. Bill
3. Claudette
4. Danny
5. Elsa
6. Fred
7. Grace
8. Henri
9. Ida
10. Julian
11. Kate
12. Larry
13. Mindy
14. Nicholas
15. Odette
16. Peter
17. Rose
18. Sam
19. Teresa
20. Victor
21. Wanda

Seriously, Bill, Fred, and Larry? Do those sound like intimidating names to you? Why not Curly, Larry, and Moe if you want to go there? And Elsa, Ida, and Rose? Were you playing canasta when you came up with those? 

And Henri? Who effing names a hurricane Henri? Is it a French hurricane? Will it have a beret? Come on, meteorologists!

Now granted, you can't name hurricanes the same names year after year. And maybe all of the good names -- names of Greek, Norse, Roman, and other gods or fierce mythical warriors -- have already been used. Though I'm pretty sure they recycle names that haven't been retired. But I think we can do better than Danny, Elsa, and Mindy. 

I mean, what would you name a hurricane? I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be Teresa. (Got a name suggestion? Leave it in the Comments.) 

In all serious though, I hate hurricanes. And I hope this year we have a mild hurricane season, with no Category 4 or 5 storms coming ashore and wreaking havoc. 

Wishing you fair weather, this has been J. with a special meteorological blog post. 

Old age is a bitch

Does your spouse forget things? I'm not talking about birthdays or the day of your anniversary. I'm talking about physical things, like keys and glasses, or underwear and belts.

My spouse is famous, or infamous, for forgetting and losing sh*t. I can't tell you how many pairs of sunglasses he has lost or misplaced (because I forget the number). And guessing what he'll forget or lose on a trip has become a kind of running joke, to the point where I literally sit on our bed while he is packing his bag and ask him if he has packed [reels off list of items]. And he will smile at me and say in a slightly patronizing way, "Yes, J_____, I have [reels off list of item." And then, of course, we'll get to wherever and he will have forgotten something.

[Though, to be fair, when we got back from our trip to Canada last week, I realized I had left my brand-new cream-colored capri travel pants at one of our hotels, even though I always triple check our room before we leave. Fortunately, I was pretty sure where I had left them, and the hotel is mailing them back to me, albeit for $25. Still, cheaper than buying a new pair, which I did anyway.]

But yesterday the spouse topped himself. He didn't just forget to pack enough underwear or a belt. He forgot his entire suitcase. Which I discovered at six this morning, outside his office, in our driveway, when I opened the shades. He only discovered his error at 10 o'clock last night, twelve hours after he left our house, when he got to his Airbnb outside DC, where he had a big important meeting this morning -- and claims it was not his fault. He thought his colleague, who was driving, had put the suitcase in his trunk. Though I don't know how either of them could have missed the suitcase sitting in our driveway. (Old age is a bitch, man -- one that requires bifocals and hearing aids and cell phone reminders.)

ANYWAY...

Fortunately for the spouse, there was a 24-hour Walmart near his rental. So off he went, I'm not sure what time, and purchased a new wardrobe, along with a six-pack of beer, for the princely sum of $114.

Not bad, eh?

And now he will have a good story to tell at the meeting. Just hope he doesn't have to stay an extra night.

If the Trump family/administration was a 1960s sitcom...

If you were to compare the Trumps or the Trump administration to a 1960s sitcom or cartoon, which sitcom or cartoon characters would they be?

F Troop?

The Beverly Hillbillies?

Hogan's Heroes*?

The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show?

The Flintstones?

Leave your answer in the Comments section.


*And I'm not talking about the POWs.

Putting the screw back in corkscrew

This seemed an appropriate post for hump day.

Voila! The Costaud (or "beefy") corkscrew. No bottle can resist his charms!

The spouse and I happened upon this humorous -- yet fully functional -- utensil while in Italy (though M. Costaud appears to be French). And no, I did not buy one (for myself or my friends), though I deeply regret not doing so. But it was the first day of our trip, and I feared M. Costaud, who is rather large, would be too big to fit... in my suitcase.

Why I can't take the spouse to the supermarket (humor)

The following conversation occurred shortly after leaving a Publix Supermarket the other day, where the spouse and I had gone together to pick up a few things for Memorial Day Weekend. 

As per usual when we go grocery shopping together, I was in charging of bagging while the spouse waited by the register -- and the tabloid magazines -- to pay.

SCENE: The car, pulling away from the Publix

THE SPOUSE: So how long do you think this union between J. Lo and A-Rod will last?

ME: Union? Did they get married?

THE SPOUSE: Well, she's having his baby.

ME: WHAT?! Jennifer Lopez is NOT pregnant. She's like, 50, and has a new show. Where did you hear that?

THE SPOUSE: It's in all the tabloids. And she's 47.

ME: I don't believe it.

THE SPOUSE: Look it up. 

ME (looking it up on my phone): I don't see anything about J. Lo being pregnant. Though she is 47.

THE SPOUSE: See, I told you.

ME: Fine, but she'll be 48 in July. 

THE SPOUSE: Nothing about her being pregnant?

ME: I just see a story about her "romance" with A-Rod. I'll look it up later*. Can we please change the subject?

Of course, I then dreamed -- though it was more of a nightmare -- that I was pregnant with twins. No word regarding who the father was.

*Jennifer Lopez is NOT pregnant -- and neither am I.

Barbie, keepin' it real

When last we left Barbie, back in December, she was recovering from her failed presidential run.

What has she been up to since then?

Well, as we learned from this just-released new video, Barbie's once again living in New York, commuting to/from work, doing yoga, and getting her Starbucks like the rest of us....



Will Barbie run again for President in 2020?

"I'm just taking things one day at a time," says Barbie. "Right now, I'm focusing on mindfulness, being in the here and now."

FUN ASIDE: Back in the day -- the day being 1959 -- Commuter Barbie went to/from work dressed like this:

(Wonder where she fit her yoga mat...)

Will Barbie ever be President?

While strolling through the Clearance section at a Florida Walmart the day after Christmas, I came upon this, the Barbie President and Vice President dolls:

My first thought was: Wow, bet Barbie is really bummed she lost out to Tanning Bed Ken and Evangelical Ken. My second was, Wow, Mattel made Barbie President and Vice President dolls? Who knew? And my third thought was, oh what could have been. Now here lies (or stands) Presidential Candidate Barbie in the Clearance section, selling for $19.

I have continued to think about those Barbie President and Vice President dolls, which, sadly, I did not buy. (I know, I should have.) So I decided to search for them online and found the official Barbie President and Vice President website.

And ladies, you will be delighted to know what Mattel believes is the way to inspire young women to seek higher office: Good fashion sense!

Just read the descriptive copy on the Barbie President and Vice President page (and weep):

From campaign tales to election events to decision-making moments, these partners are ready to inspire stories around leadership in polished outfits worthy of the White House. Barbie doll as President takes the lead in a red and white jacket with smart black detailing, a classic blue skirt, sparkling earrings and black shoes. The Vice President doll is a strong second-in-command wearing a yellow peplum jacket, black pants, black shoes, a beaded necklace and black eyeglasses. Play out a world full of storytelling possibilities and career opportunities with this powerful duo ready to lead young minds into imagination because with Barbie, you can be anything.

Yes, young ladies, you can be anything -- as long as you are fashionably dressed. So inspiring! If only Hillary had dressed better -- and had Barbie's figure! Then maybe Walmart would have been discounting Tanning Bed Ken for President dolls.

Russian PM congratulates U.S. on Donald Trump's big win

Greetings Comrades Citizens of the United States of Russia!

I am writing to congratulate you on your glorious revolution stupidity election. We have spent years grooming Donald J. Trump for this important position, and we are overjoyed to see that all of our hard work has finally paid off.

We have to admit, we were momentarily worried when our good friend Paul Manafort was dismissed as campaign manager. But we were delighted to see how incredibly gullible open the American people and Congress were to our other efforts to get Mr. Trump elected. (And here we thought you Americans were not so easily duped.)

Rest assured, we in Russia will do everything in our power to help Mr. Trump plunge the United States into chaos succeed. Our Syrian representative has already met with Mr. Trump's son, Donald Trump, Jr., and assured us of Mr. Trump's -- and the United States's -- future cooperation on important world matters. And our fearless leader President Putin is very taken with Mr. Trump's charming daughter, Ivanka.

Here's to four years of close cooperation between our two countries.

За нашу дружбу!

Dmitry Anatolyevich Medvedev and all of your friends in the Russian Federation

The comic stylings of Joe Biden (post-election meme)

They say laughter is the best medicine (especially when you can't afford medicine). So as a bit of comic relief to our post-election nightmare I give you my favorite Joe Biden - Barack Obama transition-of-power memes (aka imagined pranks on president-elect Donald J. Trump).

[For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about -- i.e., people who do not have a Facebook or Twitter account and/or do not regularly peruse BoredPanda and/or BuzzFeed -- Hi Mom! -- several clever folks have been taking photos of Vice President Joe Biden and President Barack Obama, aka BROTUS, huddled together, and creating imaginary conversations between the two, with Biden telling Obama about pranks he plans to play on the next White House tenant -- and posting these humorous images, or memes, on social media.]

Signs you might be old

At what point does someone become "old"? Is "old" a number? A feeling? Does being a grandparent make you "old"? I remember as a kid thinking 16 was old -- and then that 21 and 25 were old. Ah, those were the days. 

I do not have a definitive answer to the question, When does one become 'old'? but here are 15 signs you may no longer be a spring chicken....

1. You say things like "no longer a spring chicken" and "Kids these days!" and "Can you read the menu?" and "What did you say?" regularly. 

2. The local "Oldies" station plays the music you grew up listening to.

3. You think gray hair looks distinguished.

4. Something (your knees, your back, your hip, your neck) always hurts.

5. Everyone you know has something that hurts.

6. You go out to dinner (or brunch) with friends and everyone is discussing what hurts (or who died).

7. You wonder where that extra flap of skin beneath your chin and/or that nose and ear hair came from.

8. You own at least two pairs of glasses -- and are constantly misplacing at least one pair (along with your keys). 

9. You write sh*t down, so you won't forget, and you still forget it (or you forget your list).

10. You drive a Buick... or a Lincoln... or a Cadillac.

11. You drive a Buick... or a Lincoln... or a Cadillac wearing a golfing cap (or tennis visor). 

12. You have AARP magazine in your bathroom.

13. You eat dinner before 6. 

14. You spend the winter in Florida (or would like to).

15. You eat dinner before 6 in Florida.

BREAKING NEWS: Second Presidential Debate format change

Donald J. Trump, the Republican candidate for President of the United States, has announced he will come out fighting in the second Presidential Debate of 2016, to be held this Sunday, October 9, at Washington University in St. Louis (at 9 p.m. ET).

So in the spirit of this year's presidential campaign, the Commission on Presidential Debates has changed the format of the upcoming debate from a Town Hall to a no-holds-barred boxing-cum-wrestling match between Trump and Democratic candidate for President Hillary Rodham Clinton.

"The American people are itching for a fight, and we plan on giving them one," said Mike McCurry, a co-chairman of the Commission on Presidential Debates.

As part of the new format, Michael Buffer, the boxing and wrestling announcer, who announced all of the boxing bouts at Donald Trump-owned casinos in the 1980s, will be calling the fight, I mean, debate. Refereeing the match will be ABC's Martha Raddatz, chief global affairs correspondent and co-anchor of "This Week" and CNN anchor (and CIA operative) Anderson Cooper.

So presidential debate fans, are you ready to rumble?

Maybe I missed my calling as a dominatrix

I am always amused by the recommendations I receive from sites like Amazon and eBay. But this email I recently received from etsy, which bills itself as "your place to buy and sell all things handmade," may take the cake (one with a rock-hard icing and a cream filling, apparently).

What I found so interesting about this email (other than the obvious, which made me laugh out loud when I received it -- and immediately forwarded to the spouse and two of my girlfriends) is that when I clicked on the link to "view this email online," the web version was filled with pretty lapis rings -- no sign of a cut guy in leather bondage gear anywhere. 

Also, while my memory may be a bit spotty of late, I am 99.9 percent sure I never purchased or even searched for a leather men's harness, on etsy or anyplace else, though I did buy the spouse two lovely handmade leather belts on etsy a while back -- from an Amish company. (And I'm pretty they just use those buggy whips on horses.)

If marriage was (more) like baseball

As many of my regular readers know, I am a long-time baseball fan. Specifically a New York Mets fan. (So I am used to disappointment.)

The spouse is also a Mets fan (albeit one who has been known to root for the Yankees). And we often watch Mets games together.

However, I often fall asleep before the end of Mets games. So when I wake up the next morning, one of the first things I do is turn to the spouse and ask "Did the Mets win?" Or, more often, "Did the Mets lose?"

There is also a Twitter feed called "Did the Mets lose?" for those who do not have someone sleeping next to them who watched the game. And, of course, you can always go to Mets.com to see what happened. Which is what I did this morning, which led to the following breakfast conversation:

ME: Mets won.

SPOUSE: 7-4 -- and Jon Niese [the starting pitcher] is on the disabled list.

ME: Well, I screwed up my shoulder again yesterday. Maybe you should put me on the disabled list, call up another wife from Triple A. Maybe a blonde or a redhead.

SPOUSE: (Laughing) Are we talking an inning or long relief?

This led to a (humorous) discussion, in the kitchen and then online, regarding whether or not I would be DFA'd, would go to rehab in Florida, or if I could request a trade. Which led me to think, What if marriage was (more) like baseball?

If marriage was like baseball....

* Spouses who were injured and were unable to perform their duties would be subject to going on either the 15-day or 60-day disabled list, at which time the non-injured spouse could elect to temporarily fill his or her roster spot.

* After three years of marriage, you could file for arbitration -- to get a better deal. ("How about you cook dinner three nights a week?" or "I want Thursday to be date night." or "You do the laundry [or clean or whatever] or I'm out of here.")

* After six years you could become a free agent, unless you decided to extend your (marriage) contract.

* If a spouse has been married for ten full years and in the same marriage for the last five, he or she could not be traded away without his or her consent.

Hmmm....

It's Trump: The Musical!

In a bit of late-night comedic genius, last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick reprised their roles from The Producers. Except in this version, Bialystock (Lane) and Bloom (Broderick) are not Broadway show producers but political consultants, looking to get rich by finding the worst candidate, a real loser, and raising lots of money for themselves "him" by offering ambassadorships and other perks -- then keeping the money "when the public finds out what a nutcase our guy is, [and] he drops out of the race."

As in The Producers, and real life, however, things don't turn out as planned. Indeed, the more whacko things their candidate, Donald J. Trump, says, the more people love him.

I love this skit, but instead of "Trumped," they should have called it "Springtime for Trump,"  substituting Trump for Hitler in the lyrics, set it in America, and used Miss Universe contestants! I can see it now...

The USA was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
Needed a new leader to restore
Its former glory

Where oh where was he?
Where could that man be?
We looked around and then we found
The man for you and me and now it's

Springtime for Donald Trump and the USA
America is happy and gay
We're marching to a faster pace
Look out, here comes the master race

Springtime for Donald Trump and the USA
Winter for Mexico and Muslims
Springtime for Donald Trump and the USA...

Time to break out the Hanukkah music!

Hanukkah, the Jewish festival of lights (aka Christmas for Jews), begins this Sunday, December 6th, at sundown. Sadly, all the great Jewish composers were too busy writing Christmas songs to come up with anything really good for Hanukkah (or Chanukah). So we have had to content ourselves with "Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah," or "Oy Chanukah" in the original Yiddish. (Oy Chanukah, indeed. Eight nights of gift giving and eating greasy food? Whose great idea was that?)

On the bright side (hey, this is the festival of light), over the years, a number of singers have taken it upon themselves to, if not create a new, original Hanukkah song (I refuse to acknowledge Adam Sandler's contribution, though I guess I just did), to create entertaining Hanukkah song parodies, which, in my opinion, are way better.

Herewith, my two picks for the best Hanukkah song parody of 2015 -- which you don't have to be Jewish to enjoy.

First up, The Maccabeats singing "Latke Recipe" (to the tune of "Shut up and Dance"):



Next, Rachel Bloom's Chanukah sendup of "Santa Baby," titled "Chanukah Honey," which I love.


Chag sameach!

How to pick the next President of the United States

It's time to change the way we vet and elect our President.

Forget debates and town halls. Forget appearances on late-night talk shows. And forget the electoral college. (Seriously, does anyone understand how the electoral college even works?)

If we want to truly get Americans involved in the electoral process and pick someone who will best represent we the people, we need to change the process. We need to have presidential candidates run for office in a way that Americans will understand and watch.

What we need is... a presidential reality TV show.

We can call the year-long reality TV show, The Amazing Presidential Race, with the election taking place during November sweeps. What could be more perfect for our talent-show-, Kardashian-, and Houswives-loving times?

But The Amazing Presidential Race would be more than just a political obstacle course. It should also include a test of knowledge, a la popular quiz shows, such as Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? and Jeopardy!

So all candidates running for President would have to go on special week-long (or longer) presidential editions of both Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? and Jeopardy! with Jeff Foxworthy and Alex Trebek, respectively, asking the candidates questions about U.S. History, European History, the Middle East, Economics, the Constitution, Math, and other topics that a fifth grader, or, really, a high school graduate, or someone applying for citizenship, or certainly someone running for President of the United States, should know, as well as more difficult questions. Wouldn't that be way more entertaining than what we have now?

Lastly, I propose a talent portion, a la American Idol, where each presidential candidate has to go before a panel of judges (think three Simon Cowells) and present his or her vision for America, which the judges will then critique and then we, the people, get to vote for, via Facebook, Twitter, some special app, phone, or text message. I guarantee candidates will get way more votes than they would have under the current system. And we would get a much better sense of what our candidates are made of.

So, who's with me?

Friends with cats: a visitor's guide

Or what to expect when visiting cat people.

(Hint: There is a reason for the phrases "cats rule, dogs drool" and "dogs have owners; cats have servants.")



For those who don't have cats or who have never crashed at a cat person's house, everything mentioned in the "Living with Cats -- House Guest Edition" video is all true.

(My favorite bit was the drawer with all the lint rollers. FTR, I keep a lint roller in just about every room of our house -- and always have spares.)

There are two kinds of cats...

Having lived with cats most of my life, and having encountered or taken care of dozens of other cats, I have come to the conclusion that there are basically two types of cats.

There are those cats who at the sound of a vacuum freak out and run away as fast of they can. (This would be the majority of cats.)

And there are those cats who at the sound of a vacuum do not run away but rather begin to purr or nuzzle the vacuum cleaner -- and allow (even eagerly await) their human to vacuum them.

Harry, a feline member of our friend Renee's household, belongs to the latter camp, as you can see from this video titled (most appropriately) "Vacuuming Harry the cat."



I'm just wild about Harry -- and Renee, who is one of the few humans our vacuum-hating torbi cat, Flora, will allow to pet her.

So which camp does your cat fall into?