Thursday, December 29, 2011

New year's resolutions... for other people

Forget making resolutions for yourself -- when it's so much easier to tell other people what they should resolve to do!

Herewith, presented in no particular order, six resolutions we wish other people would make -- and keep -- and why there's a snowball's chance in Hell they'll keep them. (FWIW, I am totally guilty of making and breaking some of these resolutions.)

For the woman who needs to shed a few pounds...

Resolution: I will go on a diet -- and stop bitching about needing to lose [insert number] pounds.

Reality check: Who am I kidding? We all know it's much more fun to bitch about being overweight and be mean to skinny people (especially those who had the willpower to go on a diet and keep the weight off) than go on a diet. But maybe if I keep saying "I'm going on a diet" the pounds will magically come off.

For those 40 and over, especially those whose doctor (and spouse) has been nagging them to take better care of themselves...

Resolution: I will exercise [regularly/more].

Reality check: Right, like that's going to happen. Last year I joined a gym -- and only went there to use the showers when we lost power. Let's face it, exercise isn't fun. And who wants to work out at a gym where everyone can see your flabby arms and muffin top and you have to pay money for the privilege? No thank you. Sure, I could walk or run, but that's soooo boring. My idea of exercise? Shopping/Watching sports.

For proud (i.e., annoying) parents...

Resolution: I will stop bragging about my kids.

Reality check: Phhhht. Of course I'm going to brag, when I know my kids truly are the cutest/smartest/most talented ones, which is totally a reflection of my great parenting. Also, they are always doing the most precious/unbelievable/adorable thing that I am sure everyone would want to know about. And they get straight As (or would if they didn't have such mean teachers), and are amazing at [insert sport and/or musical instrument and/or singing, acting, or art], and are always winning some award, making them fabulous role models. But I don't want to make other parents feel worse than they already must feel, so I will stop constantly bragging about my kids. Yeah right.

For the unhappily employed...

Resolution: I will look for a new job -- and stop bitching about my current one.

Reality check: Even though I hate my job, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know, right? And what if I hate my new job or they fire me? Where will I be then? And looking for a new job is so exhausting -- what with having to update my resume, and write cover letters, and network. Nope. I'm just going to stay at my current hell hole, and continue to whine, and wait for some fabulous new, great-paying gig to magically find me.

For children...

Resolution: I will clean my room.

Reality check: Hahahaha. Like that's ever going to happen. What are you going to do, mom, kick me out if I don't? As if. It's my room. Why do you care if it's messy?

For Facebook users...

Resolution: I will stop posting my every thought/my whereabouts/hundreds of pictures/my Farmville [or insert name of game] scores on Facebook.

Reality check: But how else can I convince myself and you that my life is way better than yours? Isn't that what Facebook is for? You don't like what I write? Don't read it, or hide my feed. I'm just expressing myself. Freedom of speech. Btw, hundreds of people think I am fascinating.

Want to add to the list? Go for it -- via the Comments.

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