Thursday, May 13, 2010

Is there a teenager vaccine?

You know, a shot you can get that will prevent you from going insane when you come in close contact with one or more teenagers? If there is, please let me know -- and tell me where I can find it. Stat. (Personally, I think it should be offered at pharmacies, like CVS, like they do the flu shot, though the line would probably go around the block -- five times.)

Also, do you need to get a booster shot every year until your child goes off to college, or will one shot do you for five years? And are there any side effects?

Btw, for those of you saying (or thinking) "But J., don't you have at least a year until J-THREE-O becomes a teenager?" Let me just say, you clearly have not seen/been around her -- or her not-so-little adolescent friends lately. People, it is frightening what happens in middle school, especially to girls. (I will cover boys in another blog post.)

Last night, for the Middle School Spring Concert, the kid wore MY LITTLE BLACK DRESS (which looked better on her than it currently does on me) and my little black shoes. (Her feet are now the same size as mine.) And while I did not catch her primping or flirting with any boys, plenty of other girls (some of whom were dressed in low-cut and/or high-hemmed outfits) were.

I am so not going to survive high school.

Anyway, consider this an open thread or open forum on the subject of teenagers and how to cope with them. You can leave me your pearls of wisdom/sage advice in the Comments.

Oh, and for those of you who didn't know me when I was a teenager, let me just say I do not deserve what I am about to receive. I was a total goody two shoes who didn't drink, didn't smoke, and didn't get into trouble, ever. (I also made my bed and cleaned my room every day, helped with the laundry, and didn't talk back to my mama.)

Bonus Adam Ant "Goody Two Shoes" video:


Steven said...

I am SOOOOO going to enjoy the next five years.

Kendor said...

All that teenage goodness and virtue, where'd it get you?


Lizzy said...

Ha ha, love the "Goody Two Shoes" link, thanks!

I am right behind you with an 8 year old - from what I have heard from the mothers of teenagers, "teen" starts MUCH earlier these days - the attitude, their body development, and exposure to sex, drugs and reality TV!

The advice I was given was: 1. pick your battles; 2. keep the lines of communication open; 3. find an activity you can do together that she enjoys.

Otherwise, stock up on provisions to ride out the storm for the next few years (wine, vodka, xanax, the complete DVD set of "Little House on the Prarie.") Good luck.

Foxy said...

What kind of "shot" are we talking about here? Because you could always rely on your buddy Tequila...

J. said...

@Steven, at my expense? ;-)

@Kendor, So true! Btw, I'm going gambling and drinking next Friday. Will you look after the kid? ;-)

@Lizzy, Excellent advice. Thank you. (Though wasn't one of the girls on LHotP a ho?)

@Foxy, ROTFL. I like the way you think, girl. And hey, it's always five o'clock somewhere.

Powaqqatsi said...

Oh, I soo feel your pain. Being a father to 3 daughters (18, 18 & 15) I am more than aware of what you speak. Alas, I am nearing that blessed day when 2 will go off too college this summer's end and ,though I'll miss them, I'll also be doing a Happy Dance relishing the new found freedom of a 2/3's empty nester.

I thankfully have had a Sanctum Sanctorum which I can retreat to & visit online punishment upon the likes of Dave S., JJV, JWT once a weak to help preserve my sanity and de-stress on a weekly basis.

Paula said...

The teenage years are a true test of everything you've ever learned, and so many things you didn't know you needed to. Little-miss-15-going-on-25-can't-be-wrong gives me an almost daily dose of this reality.

Vaccine? Sign me up!

J. said...

@Powa, Fine for you. What about your poor wife?

@Paula, thanks for nothing. ;-)

A friend who read the blog post sent me a note saying "there's a reason parents ship their kids off to boarding school." Yup.

Kendor said...

If money is an issue boarding school wise, there's always arranged marriage (probably need to weigh out cost difference between dowry and boarding school).

Though it appears that the even in places like India that age has gone up to 18 for brides for this kind of thing (just googled it). And of course, even with no arranged marriage the likelihood of "them" staying around for a while is post teenagedum is very high (might require a booster shot).

US woman are 19th in the world for age of first marriage (e.g. if you want em out of the house, Sweden is the worst place for "age at first marriage," see this

Anonymous said...

"Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex!!!"

When I saw this I thought of your blog ! It could only have been a "CATHOLIC" who wrote it !