Nip(ple)/Tuck

While strolling around East Hampton yesterday afternoon, during a break in the rain, the spouse and I happened upon a lovely little lingerie store, where I found the nicest, softest (and possibly most expensive) lounging pajamas ever. As I was trying on said pajamas, I heard the spouse in intense conversation with the woman who was minding the store, accompanied by peals of laughter.

When I came out and asked the spouse what they were laughing about, he showed me this packet of nipple concealer adhesives called "low beams." Tagline: because "headlights are for cars."

I guess you could call low beams Victoria's secret. ; )

Slightly O/T: Overhead in East Hampton: "All the snobby people live in New Canaan*." This spoken by a 5'7" bleached blond fashionista to her bleached blond fashionista girlfriends.

*and apparently vacation in East Hampton.

How to get more women to watch football: Get more QBs like NY Jets' Mark Sanchez

For those who haven't heard (and care), yesterday the New York Jets announced that rookie Mark Sanchez will be their new starting quarterback when their season opens Sunday, September 13. While I feel bad for perennial also-ran Kellen Clemens, I, like many of the sports writers here in the Tri-State area (NY-NJ-CT), feel that Sanchez was the right call, though probably for different reasons.

Sure, sure, Sanchez led the USC Trojans to a 12-1 season last year, including routing Penn State at the Rose Bowl, and he's won all sorts of awards for his football prowess. But how does he stack up to the likes of Tom Brady?

Well, my friends, just take a look...

Schwing! (Or whatever the female equivalent is.)

Truly, it is a shame to make that man wear a jersey all the time. But rules are rules. And I guess it's good for commerce. (For the record, 6 is my lucky number -- and the date of my birth. Karma?) Btw, to see more pix of Mark "Cougar Bait" Sanchez on the beach, check out GQ's "Built for the Beach" piece featuring Sanchez and supermodel Hilary Rhoda (some eye candy for my male readers).

Truth be told, I would watch the Jets anyway -- and will. (Only two more weeks until the 2009-2010 NFL season officially starts!) But to paraphrase Marilyn Monroe as Lorelei Lee in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, You wouldn't watch a quarterback just because he's pretty, but my goodness, doesn't it help? Yup.

(Note to readers: I will officially be breaking out the thongs on September 13.)

Men, not as useless as we women think!

Friend of the blog -- and man -- jjv sent me this humorous (London) Times Online article titled "101 Uses for a Man," which I felt compelled to share. (Note: The link goes to the print version of the article, which gives you all 101 uses on one page. However, if you would prefer to read the original version, here you go. There is also a link to the Times Online's sister article, "101 Uses for a Woman," there.)

For the record, I am the one who removes dead mice from the house (#35), though the spouse is in charge of ridding the house of spiders (#7) and insects and does a nice job of warming the bed (#55), opening jars (#83), and using lots of pots and pans to cook (#39), though I am not sure that last one is particularly useful. Ditto snoring (#85). That said, he does have many other good uses, such as fixing and maintaining our computers and grocery shopping (which includes getting my facial creams and other "feminine products"), neither of which made the list. In other words, he's a keeper.

It's a documentary about beer. What more do I need to say?

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

--Dave Barry

Last night, after a delicious pizza dinner, the spouse and I watched Beer Wars, a most excellent documentary about... beer, specifically about the "war" between the big guys (mainly Anheuser-Busch) and the little guys (mainly Dogfish Head).

I wrote briefly about the film, which was written by friend of a friend (hi Amy!) Anat Baron, a beer industry insider (she was general manager of mike’s hard lemonade) here. And like most (all) of you, I didn't get a chance to see it when it was shown for one night only back in April. So I was THRILLED to find out that the DVD, available only on the Beer Wars Movie website, was now available and promptly bought one. (If you use the coupon code YELP0626, you should get 20 percent off the price. Btw, all proceeds go to support the independent filmmaker and help bring much needed exposure to some great little and medium-sized brewers and beers, including my beloved Fat Tire Amber Ale, which you still cannot get in the Northeast -- and the movie tells you why.)

If you like a good beer and/or you like a good documentary, I highly recommend you buy the Beer Wars DVD. (It also makes a lovely gift.) Just be sure to have a six pack of your favorite American microbrew handy (and maybe some pizza or pretzels) when you watch it as the film will make you very, very thirsty.

Which is why cops should stick to donut shops

Alternate title: An Officer and a Gentleman's Club.

Some stories seem just too dumb to be true. And this cop story would be one of them. (Btw, the double entendre* department worked overtime on this one.)

But I bet the deputy who was fired for allowing a scantily clad waitress from the Twin Peaks Restaurant ("Twice as much fun as other restaurants!") to pose with his great big gun (on his official vehicle) wishes he had just gone to the McDonald's drive-thru after that training session now.

What I want to know is how the waitress got a hold of the deputy's rifle. Did she ask him if she could handle his weapon or did he ask her to squeeze his big gun? And who thought it was a brilliant idea to take a picture of said scantily clad waitress posing with said rifle on said deputy's official vehicle?

Clearly, the officer deserved to be fired, for stupidity.

Btw, for those of you unfamiliar with the phrase double entendre, which is French, here's the definition, courtesy of the Urban Dictionary.

Forget swine flu. This summer's deadliest threat? Flip-flops (and I ain't talkin' politics)

Ladies grab a can of Lysol and prepare to be totally grossed out.

Your flip-flops? They contain thousands of nasty, literally sickening, bacteria (including the potentially lethal germ Staphylococcus aureus). You can get all the gory, disgusting details in this charming article titled "Can your flip-flops kill you?" (which has NOTHING to do with politics) courtesy of the staff of the TODAY Show and "the University of Miami emergency mobile flip-flop lab." (Thanks for NOTHING, TODAY Show. Slow news day? Though I did enjoy the Nora the Piano-Playing Cat segment.)

The good news: “As long as your skin is intact, as long as you use common sense and don’t knowingly expose yourself ... you shouldn’t be alarmed,” said Dr. Lisa Plano, a microbiologist at the University of Miami. Gee, thanks, Dr. Lisa.

To prevent illness and/or infection, the article offers the following advice: try to avoid wearing flip-flops in places where you are likely to come in contact with animal feces; leave flip-flops at the door; consider giving your flip-flops a good spraying with Lysol when you've been walking on city streets; and wash your hands AND feet as soon as you get in your house or apartment (or after disinfecting your flip-flops).

As for me, I will be the one wearing those disposable blue sanitary booties they give hospital workers over all my shoes now.

Obama Mania - The Sequel, Hurricane Bill (not Clinton!), Idol and DWTS news, plus ENOUGH with The Jacksons and Jon and Kate

Just spent four blissful days on Martha's Vineyard (aka "the summer White House") visiting with good friends and was (pretty much) blissfully unaware of what was going on on the mainland or even on the island, except that President Obama and his family were about to visit Martha's Vineyard and Islanders were suffering from an acute case of Obama mania.

Everywhere you went there was some store or restaurant showcasing its Obama-themed wares and/or Obama-themed menu items in the hopes of making up for an otherwise less-than-great retail season. (Anyone for an Obamarita?)

The only other "news" story that really crossed my radar while we were away was "Hurricane Bill," because we are all about the weather. Of course, when I first saw the headline re "Hurricane Bill" I immediately thought "Uh oh, what has Bill Clinton done NOW?" But, much to my (and I am sure Hillary's, though not the island of Bermuda's) relief, this Hurricane Bill is just a bunch of hot air (oh wait) -- I mean, the first hurricane of the Atlantic season, and currently a Category 2 storm.

Equally distressing (okay, not equally, but still distressing), I just discovered that for some reason The Jacksons are STILL in the news, as are Jon and Kate. ("Viewers' sympathies swing from Jon to Kate"!)

In other breaking "reality" TV news, former Conservative House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) will be on (oh-so-wrongly-named*) Dancing with the Stars this season (as will Donny Osmond, Macy Gray, Aaron Carter, Melissa Joan Hart, and Kathy Ireland, to name just a few), while, sadly, Paula Abdul, who may be returning to American Idol after all (yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus), will not be.

And that, I believe, is enough for one blog post. (Happy now, Powaqqatsi? ; )

*For the sake of truth in advertising, the show should really be called Dancing with the B-List Actors, Models, the High-Profile Football Guy (this year's entry, Michael Irvin!) and/or Race Car Driver, and People Who Are Trying to Jump Start Their Careers (which may be redundant).