Or rather bralettes. What we old folks used to call bras (making bra sort of a retronym, like corded phone and cloth diaper.)
Bralettes, i.e., bras without molded or padded cups or wires, are apparently all the rage. Especially at Victoria's Secret, which dominates the lingerie market (with a 61.8 percent market share -- who knew?). Which I find highly amusing.
For YEARS, all bras (or nearly all) were "bralettes." Then came underwire bras, and padded bras, and pushup bras, and sports bras, and t-shirt bras... and, finally, bralettes, aka basic bras (albeit in a variety of colors and lace).
I guess everything old is new again.
Though how many women, especially those over the age of 21 or who've had a kid, really want a bralette?
I don't know about the rest of you ladies, but as a lifelong member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, who nursed a kid for 12 months, I enjoy a little padding and pushing in my brassiere. And I bet most women feel the same way. Though, clearly, there is a market for bras without all the bells and whistles -- or wires and molding. (And I do think the front-close bralette is pretty, if not practical.)
But ladies -- and gentlemen -- let me know what you think (via the Comments). Do you prefer your brassieres to lift and shape (and supplement -- what the lord has forgotten, stuff with... foam)? Or do you fancy something that is "all you" (for better... or worse)?
Okay, maybe waking up one morning to discover your girlfriend or wife had mysteriously gone from a D-cup to an A-cup is not a guy's worst fear*. But it's probably a close second (or third)**.
Though now that I think of it, considering how many women undergo breast augmentations and reconstructive surgery, having small breasts, or waking up to find your breasts have shrunk or disappeared, may be a woman's worst fear***.
[A tip of my bra strap to friend of the blog Another David S., who sent me the "Ghost Tits" video, featuring the lovely Olivia Munn, and who doesn't judge a woman by her bra size.]
*That would probably be waking up to find someone cut off your penis. Or you ran out of beer and all the liquor or package stores were closed.
**See the bit at the top of the page, in the header, about this being a satiricalblog. ***Before all you breast cancer survivors and relatives of women with breast cancer start leaving nasty comments about how incredibly insensitive that video is (and by extension how insensitive I am), see the note above and take a deep breath. No one is making fun of breast cancer. Thank you.
Maybe it's because I am a lifelong member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee (except, perhaps, when I was nursing), but I never realized what a huge problem finding a good bra -- or a good-fitting bra -- was. (Though try finding a 30B bra anywhere other than the Girls department. Trust me, you can't.)
Have you ever walked into the Ladies Lingerie or Intimate Apparel department in a department store? There are literally THOUSANDS OF BRAS, in practically every shape, style, and color (except for a 30B in nude or really any solid color). It makes me envy women with a 36C (which is apparently the preferred method of stuffing a wild bikini*).
The problem, per Wacoal and other boobologists**, a too big band and too small cups. (Which, technically, I am also guilty of -- though it's not my fault!)
But now apparently, Jockey is riding to the rescue, creating a new measurement system and line of bras designed to provide women -- with all the way up to a 50N*** -- a better fit.
To which I say, Oy. Do we women really need to deal with yet another measurement system?
Granted, the current system for figuring out one's bra size -- measuring your chest at the widest point; then measuring the rib cage, just below the breasts; with the rib cage measurement being the band size and the difference between the two measurements determining the cup size, with a one-inch difference means an A; a two-inch difference means a B; and so on -- isn't perfect. And no, it's not because women aren't good at math. It's because breasts come in different shapes and most women don't like feeling corseted.
But instead of coming up with a whole new system, or one manufacturer wreaking havoc by coming up with a new system, couldn't all you bra manufacturers just get together and decide on a single set of standards? (Ditto all you women's clothing and shoe manufacturers.)
Men's clothing, including underwear, and shoes are pretty much standardized. So why can't women's clothing and shoe and bra designers do it? (I know, I know: vanity sizing. Women have gotten much bigger, all over, but don't want to buy larger sizes.)
If you ask me, this is a tempest in a D-Cup.
*I miss Beach Party Week and The 4:30 Movie.
**Not a real word.
***OMG, 50N?!
I believe in keeping abreast of the news, but keeping breasts in the news? Not so much.
Look, I get it. Traditional evening network and local news shows have been losing viewers for years -- and news stations are under tremendous pressure to deliver eyeballs. But has it really come to this, ABC News? "At 'Breastaurants,' Business Is Booming.
While many restaurant chains are struggling, Twin Peaks, Tilted Kilt and others are thriving."
Breastaurants? Really?
Wow, that must be really hard, guys -- researching and covering titty bars, excuse me, sports bars, like Twin Peaks (don't worry friends, sexism and misogyny are alive and well in America!), which are giving chains like Hooters some stiff competition.
Interviewing all those, uh, well-rounded females, about what keeps guys coming... back for more must be really hard work.
And OMG, did he just say "ample portions"?! (Excuse me while I bang my head against my desk. So, how'd that woman's lib thing work out for you ladies?)
Oh, and nice camera work, guys. I'm sure the audience was paying very close attention to those revenue numbers you were reciting against that backdrop of cleavage.
Poor Hooters. (Excuse me while I shed a tear.) How can it possibly keep up with the nubile competition when its "sales" are "sagging" and "flat"?
Duh! By becoming a family restaurant! Of course! It's so obvious. What woman wouldn't want to go out to eat with her husband and impressionable children at a titty, excuse me, sports bar?! (But J., you are saying, they have kids menus!)
Oh yeah, Nirav Patel, owner of the Hoboken Tilted Kilt, I am sure that what keeps customers coming is your... food.
Thank you nameless restaurant expert for keeping it real: "It's not about the wings, it's about the breasts."
And thank you, Nightline, for restoring my faith in journalism. Not. (Somewhere Ted Koppel is weeping.)
For those who can't make it out, the text on the front of the card says: "You're 13 today! If you had a rich boyfriend, he'd give you diamonds and rubies. Well, maybe next year you will -- when you've bigger boobies!"
And I agree, giving a 13-year-old girl diamonds and rubies is outrageous, even if it is her birthday and you are a sheik. But the part about getting a rich boyfriend -- and better presents -- when you have bigger boobies is absolutely true.
This is yet another tempest in a D-cup. (And no, I will never get tired of using that line.)
I actually applaud the card for keeping things real. Girls with bigger boobs (who are not hideously overweight and do not have faces that would scare off little children, or rich boyfriends) do get richer boyfriends and better presents than flat-chested women (unless the flat-chested woman has an exceptionally beautiful face). If it wasn't true, plastic surgeons would be out of business.
Indeed, I don't think the card went far enough. What it should have said was, "-- when you've bigger boobies and that acne has cleared up!"
As many of you no doubt know, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the symbol for which is a pink ribbon. And to support breast cancer awareness, education, and research, many businesses around the country offer pink products for sale during October and donate a portion of each sale to worthy charities. So this year, now that I am a business owner, I decided to join in and commissioned special pink Prepster Pineapple t-shirts.
And now through October 31st when you purchase a pink Prepster Pineapple t-shirt*, I will donate $5 of each sale to breast cancer research -- and will personally match the amount.
Don't need any more t-shirts right now? I understand. But please consider making a donation to the charity of your choice to help scientists discover a cure for breast cancer, which affects 1 out of 8 women in the United States.
And... think pink!
*T-shirts are $26 and are only available to customers in the 50 United States. Shipping is a flat rate of $6.
Fortunately, to address this pressing problem, a whole industry has popped up, with products like the ChestSavers' bra, Decollette Pads, and I do not even know how to describe this product called "Kush Support" (pictured above right) -- cleavage porn? And that's not including all the countless creams or cremes out there which women are willing to pay $100/ounce for (or more).
*Sigh.*
All I can say is, I'm glad this is one problem I don't have to worry about. All of you big-busted gals have my sympathy.
And speaking of big-busted gals, if any of you have tried any of these cleavage wrinkle busters, do leave a comment. :-)
Alternate titles: 1) And that's why new moms shouldn't drink and drive. 2) So that's what breast milk tastes like.
What did we do before smartphones and RSS feeds?
So last night at dinner (on our way home from a lovely long weekend with friends), I was checking my email on my BlackBerry and decided to click on my RSS (news) feed when I saw a headline about a nursing mother arrested for disorderly conduct... for "allegedly" spraying breast milk at a couple of cops. Which I, of course, had to click on.
The deal: a husband and his wife, who was nursing, go to a wedding, drink too much, and get into a fight. (Not exactly news.) The wife gets pissed off, hits her spouse, and locks herself into their car and refuses to come out -- while the husband calls the cops. The cops show up and try to talk to the woman. However, and I quote (Delaware County Sheriff Walter L. Davis III):
"When deputies attempted to remove [the woman] from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breast feeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk," Davis said.
[What did she say to the cops? "I've got a loaded breast and I know how to use it!" "Back away, or the little guy gets a face full of titty milk!"]
Eventually, with the help of additional deputies, the cops were able to remove the woman, a teacher at a charter school, from the car (and, I assume, the breast milk from their uniforms) and arrest her, though she was eventually released on her own recognizance after pleading not guilty.
And the moral of the story... ? Let me know what you think via the Comments.
As all of you know, I am a big advocate of yearly mammograms for women over 40 and/or who have a history of breast cancer in their family. So, if you fall into either category, and have not had a mammogram this year, I encourage you to make an appointment this month, if not today, in honor of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
And guys (who, btw, can also get breast cancer), I encourage you to make sure that the woman (or women) you love, if they are over 40 and/or have a history of breast cancer in their family, have an annual mammogram.
You can also help defeat breast cancer by donating to one of the many organizations looking for a cure for this horrible disease, such as Susan G. Komen for the Cure.
Despite what the New York Times says, I don't know a single A-cup female who wouldn't welcome a natural, safe way to increase her breast size. And now, finally, science has heard the call of mammary challenged women everywhere and answered with a mobile solution that is sure to be a ringing success.
I am, of course, referring to the Rock Melon ring tone invented by Dr. Hideto Tomobechi of Japan, who claims that by listening to this particular ring tone 20 times a day for 10 days, a woman can increase her bust size by over an inch. That's a whole cup size, people!
The secret of the breast-enlarging ring tone? It mimics the sound of a crying baby, which triggers a physical maternal response in women that swells the listener's breasts as if she is readying for childbirth.
WARNING: Women with C or larger cups should not watch the following video more than 19 times a day unless they want to risk having to buy new bras.
Makes you yearn for the good old days, when a girl just needed to pump her arms back and forth in front of her chest intoning the words "We must, we must, we must increase our bust..."
Apparently this past Sunday, August 22, was National Go Topless Day. And all around this great nation of ours, in cities like New York (pictured at right), Miami, Chicago, and Venice, California, hundreds of buxom babes proclaimed their constitutional right to bare chests as well as arms in public places, just as men do, by marching around without their shirts. (Wonder if anyone blew his/her top...)
An intrepid CNN iReporter happened to be on the scene at the Annual Venice Beach Topless Day event, which was attended by over 200 bra-less babes and about 50 men. (Really, only 50 men?) Per the CNN Go Topless Day report (which includes some great creatively edited video), "a few Christian men gathered to protest against the women's display of indecency," too. (No doubt shaking their Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issues at the women in disgust.)
Me? I say, Keep your shirts on, ladies, at least in public, except on officially designated topless public beaches -- or ta ta to bearing one's ta-tas in public. (Yeah, yeah, I know: I am such a prude.)
In this week's chapter of News of the Weird, J-TWO-O brings you the latest must-have item for frequent flyers (particularly if they happen to be in the adult film industry, Vegas showgirls, or work for Hooters), flying pasties; the results from the World Snail Racing Championships in England; and why you should never argue with an ibex.
First up, Flying Pasties. But before proceeding, I have to admit I was a bit hesitant to blog about this subject, even though I have blogged about breasts (and things that cover them) on several occasions.
Maybe it's the word pasties, or it could be the voluptuous pastie-only clad model on FlyingPasties.com. But, heck, if that bastion of the Right, the Wall Street Journal,can write about Flying Pasties, gosh darn it, so can I!
In a (coco) nut shell: Flying Pasties are, and I quote, "meant to obscure your private parts when entering a typical airport scanner," thereby protecting your privacy.
You can learn more about these little rubber privacy protectors at FlyingPasties.com -- or via the WSJ article (which I linked to).
Btw, I love the quote from the "Pilots of America" on the site: "Ingenious." (I wonder what the airport scanners union has to say about them....)
Moving right along...
In the lettuce entertain you category: Last week the World Snail Racing Championships took place in England and around 200 snails slugged it out to win the honor of World's Fastest Snail.
This morning I went for my annual mammogram -- and, as a bonus, got a breast ultrasound. That's two -- two -- two boob jobs in one! (I also just discovered that there is actually a product called "Boob Lube." Who knew?)
The whole process was painless, and covered by insurance. Which is why I don't understand why so many women put off or don't get annual or semi-annual mammograms, especially if there is a history of breast cancer in their family or they have risk factors (like smoking).
FYI: Per the Centers for Disease Control: "Aside from non-melanoma skin cancer, breast cancer is the most common form of cancer in women. Breast cancer is the number one cause of cancer death in Hispanic women. It is the second most common cause of cancer death in white, black, Asian/Pacific Islander, and American Indian/Alaska Native women."
So ladies, especially those of you over 35 and/or have someone in your family who has or had breast cancer, if you have not already done so this year, make an appointment with your OB/GYN or family practitioner to get a mammogram and, if you have "dense" breasts, a breast ultrasound. (Seriously, if you have ever had a pap smear, which you probably get every year, you can handle a mammogram and breast ultrasound, which is basically a breast massage.)
And guys, that is those of you who are married or in a serious relationship with a woman, make sure your partner checks her breasts regularly -- or volunteer to help her out.
Thank you.
(Btw, I won't find out the results of my tests until at least midday tomorrow, and while I doubt -- hope -- the girls are normal, I must confess I am a wee bit nervous.)
UPDATED 6/3/10: And the results are in! And I am breathing a HUGE sigh of relief. (The assistant gave me a bit of a scare there when she took a dramatic pause before giving me the results of my breast ultrasound. But both the mammogram and ultrasound were negative. Yea!) Until next year...
While strolling around East Hampton yesterday afternoon, during a break in the rain, the spouse and I happened upon a lovely little lingerie store, where I found the nicest, softest (and possibly most expensive) lounging pajamas ever. As I was trying on said pajamas, I heard the spouse in intense conversation with the woman who was minding the store, accompanied by peals of laughter.
When I came out and asked the spouse what they were laughing about, he showed me this packet of nipple concealer adhesives called "low beams." Tagline: because "headlights are for cars."
I guess you could call low beams Victoria's secret. ; )
Slightly O/T: Overhead in East Hampton: "All the snobby people live in New Canaan*." This spoken by a 5'7" bleached blond fashionista to her bleached blond fashionista girlfriends.
So the other day I'm stuck behind this SUV in traffic and start reading its bumper stickers, all of which are quite entertaining. But the one that really catches my eye -- and makes me smile -- is "save the ta-tas," which includes a pink ribbon (in support of breast cancer research) and a URL.
Later, at home, curious, I type in the URL, www.savethetatas.com. Turns out, the site is totally legit, on a mission to save as many ta-tas as it can, with "a portion of every sale of [its] ta-tas® brand breast cancer shirts, accessories, and products go[ing] to support breast cancer research and education."
Of course the spouse and I want to do our bit to save the ta-tas, but there are so many ways to show our support, how to choose?
And then, while looking through the save the ta-tas online catalog, which boasts some very impressive ta-tas, we found it, the perfect shirt for yours truly (at left -- and no, that is not me; the spouse nixed me putting up a photo of me in my tank on the blog, though said I could post one on Facebook, privately).
I have yet to wear the tank top, which just arrived, but my little ta-tas and I are happy that we are supporting a noble cause. (And yes, we also support more established breast cancer research efforts like Susan G. Komen for the Cure and several other cancer research institutions and charities.)
If you love ta-tas, please, consider making a donation now. And ladies, make sure to get a yearly mammogram if you are over 40! After all, a breast is a horrible thing to waste.
No, that is not a reference to the people (supposedly) running this country or to the executives who ran AIG (or insert name of big bank/financial institution here) into the ground. I'm talking about breasts, bosoms, ta-tas, hooters, honkers, jugs... Capiche?
And why am I bringing up this topic yet again? (Though, does one really need an excuse to talk about breasts?)
So last night the spouse and I watched The Holiday, starring Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet on TBS's "Movie & a Makeover." (Great movie, btw, if you like totally unrealistic romantic comedies, with gorgeous scenery, and drool at the thought of Jude Law as a sexy, celibate, lovestruck widower with two adorable moppets.) The show is hosted by Mia Butler, who is, shall we say, rather buxom (similar to the model pictured above right), and was wearing the most low-cut purple sleeveless dress ever. Indeed, Ms. Butler, or certain parts of her, looked as though at any minute they would bust -- I mean, burst -- their flimsy confines. (Hmm... I wonder if Ms. Butler shares the same personal shopper or stylist as Paula Abdul?)
Anyway, despite their in-your-face nature, literally (nice work, camera guy), Ms. Butler's breasts would normally not have elicited more than a "So, do you think they're real?" comment from me. (For the record, both the spouse and I thought they were.) But last night's makeover recipient was a two-time breast cancer survivor who had lost her breasts. And to me, Ms. Butler's attire (or lack thereof) was a real slap (or boob) in the face to this poor woman, who was forced to stand next to Ms. Butler during the big reveal (hers, not Ms. Butler's).
And I was not the only one who thought the display in poor taste.
While watching the Syracuse Orangemen dominate the Arizona State Sun Devils earlier this afternoon, the spouse made a point of stating that he found the juxtaposition of Ms. Butler's boobs with the makeover recipient's lack thereof disconcerting and showed poor judgment on TBS and Ms. Butler's parts. (He also noted that both Cameron Diaz, who appears in just a bra, and Kate Winslet, who is fully clothed at all times, though does appear in a low-cut, sleeveless black dress near the end of the film, were both rather "flat chested." His term, not mine. Though he found both women very attractive.)
So am I making a mountain out of a mole hill -- or creating a tempest in a D-cup?
Maybe. And maybe I wouldn't be making such a big deal out of this, if, like Salma Hayek, I had been more religious as a girl and dipped my hands in holy water and prayed to God for breasts. (Sadly, dipping one's hands in Manischewitz does not yield the same results.)
And while we are on the topic of mammary glands, here's an amusing little article I came across while researching this sensitive subject, titled "5 Things You Didn't Know About Breasts."
I started this blog to amuse myself, my friends, and my family. If you are not amused, just click on some other blog. You got millions to choose from. If you are amused, spread the word -- and the link! To contact me, send an email to moodyqt33 [at symbol] hotmail.com.
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