American Idol Season 10: The Top 13 Perform (though not very well)

So instead of weeks of semifinals, this season of American Idol we went from having the Top 12 Guys and Top 12 Girls straight to the Top 13, period. Isn't 13 supposed to be unlucky? Clearly, it will be unlucky for someone (or possibly two someones).

Also, just like last week, tonight's episode of American Idol was pre-taped (boo), supposedly to iron out some technical stuff before the show goes live next week (uh huh).

The only good news about tonight's American Idol being pre-taped is that a lot of info about the show has already leaked out, including tonight's theme, Your Personal Idol (who has not recorded anything relevant in over 15 years). Oy. And the order. And who's singing what. Double uh oh.

Anyway, on with the show!

Lauren Alaina - "Any Man of Mine" (Shania Twain). Raise your hand if you thought Lauren Alaina was a rocker? (Okay, hands down. Wait, when did Don Was become a Hassid?) Also, why did the producers put Lauren first? I thought they liked her. And why do I feel like I'm watching an episode of Hee Haw or Live from the Grand Ole Opry? SIGH. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the girl can sing. But -- all together now: SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE. And that one SUCKED. Did Jimmy Iovine recommend that? Just doesn't make sense. And you know it had to be bad if Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez (gently) panned it. My grade for Lauren Alaina: B-. (J-THREE-O, who is making tomorrow's lunch in the kitchen, just shouted up "I give Lauren a B+!") If she makes it to next week, please let her sing a rock song.

NEXT!

Casey Abrams - "With a Little Help from My Friends" (Joe Cocker). Aw, Casey was a cute kid! (Yikes! I'm being blinded by Casey's super white calves! Make him put on long pants! PHEW.) What would I do if you sang out a tune? Well, Casey, if you don't sing it out of key, I may vote for you. Okay, I'm digging it. Good song choice. (See kids, this is how you choose a song.) I'm thinking Casey Abrams is going to have a lot of friends after this performance -- and will definitely get by (the judges). Survey says: A. (Really like Casey but I got two words for you: Taylor Hicks.)

Ashthon Jones - "When You Tell Me That You Love Me" (Diana Ross). Is ANYONE surprised Ashthon chose a Diana Ross song? Anyone? And if she screws up, can we blame that producer? And... Ashthon is no Diana Ross. Not even close. SIGH. In the words of (the old) Randy Jackson: Yo, I love you, but that was kinda pitchy, dawg. Sorry, Ashthon, no way can I tell you that I love you. That was BAD. (And I can NOT believe Randy liked it. And did Steven Tyler just ding her performance? I do believe he did. Ditto J. Lo. Though she had to go and do a backflip at the end. SIGH. Paging Simon Cowell.) Our grade for Ashthon Jones: B-. Bad song choice.

Paul McDonald - "Come Pick Me Up" (Ryan Adams). Mea culpa. When I read this week's American Idol's spoilers I thought Paul was singing Bryan Adams. Though right now, I'm wishing he had. I'm also getting dizzy watching Paul jump up and down and skip all over the stage. Stand still and SING the dang song, Paul. Two words: HATED IT. It was off key and boring as heck. Paul will probably make it another week, but he could be in the bottom three. My grade (cause everyone else left): B/B-.

Just curious: How many J. Lo commercials you think we're going to see tonight?

Pia Toscano - "All By Myself" (Celine Dion). Oooo shiny. Nice dress, Pia! (Though what is up -- or down -- with the pink chiffon train?) Let's just hope that dress won't be the best part of tonight's performance.... Anyone else feel like they're in the lounge of some Portuguese cruise ship? Anybody? Wait... what?! Really, J. Lo? Really? I mean, it wasn't bad. But no way was that anywhere near Celine Dion -- or Pia's best performance. Seriously, I don't know what the judges heard. Have they heard the Celine Dion version? SIGH. I give Pia Toscano a B+ because I know she can sing, and she has really good hair.

James Durbin - "Maybe I'm Amazed" (Paul McCartney). Maybe I'll be amazed. Would be nice. Cause so far this season of American Idol is another big disappointment. Okay, I like James Durbin's voice (minus the Adam Lambert scream), but I swear the song is waaaay tooo sloooow. Liked his first version in the rehearsal. But clearly, what do I know? You KNOW the judges will LOVE it. (Ding ding ding, Randy Jackson drops the "Journey" card! FINALLY.) Dudes, I give James Durbin a B+ (bordering on an A-).

Haley Reinhart - "Blue" (LeAnn Rimes). And now... (off-key) YODELING! Yee-haw! Yup, that there American Idol show's got it all. I am seriously speechless. Also, was the whole show taped in slo-mo? Again, I totally prefer the original. (This wasn't even close.) But Haley can sing. I give Haley Reinhart a B, for boring. Nice dress and hair, though.

Jacob Lusk - "I Believe I Can Fly" (R. Kelly). I believe this was the wrong song for Jacob, whom I love. (Though I loved the Space Jam reference.) Just not exciting me. And he was sharp, which is surprising. SIGH. I give Jacob Lusk a B (for boring me -- and I so wanted to love his performance).

Anyone else think having Jimmy Iovine and his posse "mentor" the contestants was a bad idea? Also, really missing Simon Cowell about now.

Thia Megia - "Smile" (Michael Jackson). Does ANYONE attribute "Smile" to Michael Jackson?! And I don't remember Charlie Chaplin being a recording artist. (Did they even have Idol back then? Or records?) Not smiling. They I don't hate it either. Still, would be nice if they could PICK UP THE FRIGGIN' BEAT. The girl is 16 years old and sounds and looks like she's on the Lawrence Welk Show. Like Thia Megia's voice, but not a great song choice. I give it a B. Hope she switches it up next week. (And hope the judges do too. Seriously, what's the point of having judges if they don't judge?!)

Hey Idol producers, did we really need to see Thia crying? No way she's getting voted off tonight now.

Stefano Langone - "Lately" (Stevie Wonder). Why do I find it hard to believe a) that Stefano's personal idol is Stevie Wonder and b) that this was the best Stevie Wonder song for him? (That would be a rhetorical question.) I think Randy Jackson's face just said it all. WHA?! "Goodbye" Stefano. You may last another week, but if you keep singing songs like "Lately," you won't be around much longer -- and I don't see Celebrity Cruises hiring you anytime soon. Seriously, I have NO IDEA what the judges were listening to. That did NOT sound great. At all. I give Stefano Langone a B-, though I am really wishing the judges has chosen Lauren Turner instead of him.

Karen Rodriguez - "I Could Fall in Love" (Selena). Oh. My. God. Can Jennifer Lopez recuse herself? I can't believe Karen chose a Selena song. By which I mean, I totally believe it. And I swear J. Lo wore THAT SAME OUTFIT in the movie. Freaky! Sorry, Karen, but no way am I falling in love with you. ("Star Search!" just shouted the spouse, who has rejoined me -- and I don't think he meant it in a good way.) Yet another mediocre, karaoke, Portuguese cruise ship performance. And is that criticism I just heard from Jennifer Lopez? Whoa. Totally agree with Randy: YAWN. "She's gone," said the spouse, and I've got to agree. We give Karen Rodriguez a C, as in Ciao (and I don't mean hello).

Save us, Scotty McCreery!

Scotty McCreery - "The River" (Garth Brooks). Yet another boring song choice, but I still like Scotty. (I got nothing snarky to say, people. This show has worn me down, and, like I said, I really like Scotty. "He's the real deal," said the spouse. And he loves baseball -- Scotty, though the spouse likes it too, but probably not as much as I do.) We give Scotty McCreery an A.

Naima Adedapo - "Umbrella" (Rihanna). She's off key but I think "Umbrella" was an okay song choice for Naima -- and I'm loving her dance moves and that little reggae twist halfway through. Not bad, not bad. We give Naima Adedapo a B+.

Well, thank God that's over. Will add who got booted off Idol Island tomorrow night. J-TWO-O out.

UPDATED: Not a bring suprise, Ashthon went home. Yawn.

Cats with thumbs + Beam me up, Priceline (new William Shatner ad)

Sure, I thought about writing on some really important topic, like bullying (it's not just for kids!), or the ongoing Federal budget stalemate, or the Middle East crisis, or the rising price of oil (and gold) and the threat of inflation, even Charlie Sheen. But why blog about those downer topics when you can blog about cats with thumbs (possibly the funniest ad ever) and Priceline's latest "Negotiator" ad, featuring William Shatner and a lot of Star Trek (the original series) references? I know!

So first up, this hysterically funny ad for Cravendale milk, a dairy in the United Kingdom, titled "Cats with Thumbs":



And the new Priceline Negotiator ad featuring William Shatner (and a lot of Star Trek references), titled "Department of Negotiation":



How many Star Trek references did you count? (You just know some Trekkie or Trekker out there has done this.)

Jimmy Kimmel on Charlie Sheen, goddesses (VIDEOS)

Forget Jay Leno and David Letterman -- even Conan O'Brien. Jimmy Kimmel is hands down the most brilliant late night television comedian/host. Who can forget Kimmel's "Handsome Men's Club"? (I know I can't.)

And now we have Charlie Sheen, Hollywood's latest gift to Jimmy Kimmel.

First there was the Kimmel Kartoon "Charlie Brown and Charlie Sheen," where Jimmy Kimmel mashed up a recent Charlie Sheen interview with a Peanuts cartoon...



And more recently there was "The Jetsons and Charlie Sheen," a mashup of The Jetsons and Charlie Sheen's interview with Piers Morgan...



I know what you're thinking: Forget the drugs. What about the goddesses? Never fear. You want goddesses, check out Jimmy Kimmel's Hottie Body Hump Club video, featuring Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and a bevy of Hollywood beauties. (Talk about goddesses.)



Brilliant.

The Island of Kittens*

Imagine an island where no dogs are allowed...






















And the cats are quite happy about it...






















Where kittens are free to roam where they please...































And cat food magically appears two or three times a day...

















And humans are helpless to resist their feline overlords.















Hmm... On second thought, I don't think it's too hard to imagine such a place. Do you?

*I thought about calling this post "A Tale of Two Kittehs," but there were actually six kittens, just as the place we stayed on St. Martin, as well as three cats.

My warm happy place

I wasn't always an anxious, uptight bitch. In fact, sometimes I can be downright mellow. And it doesn't even require alcohol or drugs. Just need a few warm, sunny days, a body of water (preferably with a beach attached), good food (that someone else cooked and cleaned up), and no computers -- in other words a few days, unplugged, on St. Martin. (Picture me as this contented cat, minus the three dozen bottles of rum -- and enjoying a higher grade of cat food.)



























































































Ah... paradise. (FYI, all the pictures are mine, taken with my new Canon PowerShot S95. Love that little camera. Love St. Martin. Until next year...)

American Idol Season 10: Top 12 Girls - UPDATED (with results)

So much for "going live." As some (or many) of you may have read, last night and tonight's American Idol semifinal performances were pre-taped -- the guys on Friday, the girls on Monday. So producers had plenty of time to edit the film -- and bleep Steven Tyler. Feh.

Still, I'm looking forward to tonight's performances as I think the women of American Idol are due for a win -- and this year's crop of female Idol hopefuls are more promising than what I saw last night (though tonight could prove me wrong).

And now without further ado, the Top 12 Girls...

Ta-Tynisa Wilson: Ouch. Pitchy pitchy pitchy. Remind me why after BOMBING during Hollywood Week Ta-Tynisa was put through? Well, Rhianna has nothing to worry about. That was DREADFUL. Wait... WHA?! I don't know WTF Steven Tyler was talking about -- or listening to. Ditto Jennifer Lopez. Did I mention it was DREADFUL? (Randy: Sharp is an understatement.) We give Ta-Tynisa Wilson a C-, because we're feeling generous. But if she makes it to the finals we will be SHOCKED. We say Ta-Ta to Ta-Tynisa.

Naima Adedapo: Gee, "Summertime," because we haven't heard that before. :-/ But, gotta admit, I'm kinda grooving on Naima's upbeat arrangement. Definitely not a Fantasia clone. (Not that I thought she was.) Gotta give the girl some props. Now that was a good performance. We give her an A-. (The spouse liked it but said "That was a little 'Star Search'ish." Paging Ed McMahon? He also wants to know what that thing on Ryan Seacrest's head is. J-THREE-O thinks it's a hedgie, aka a hedgehog.)

Kendra Chantelle: Remind me who Kendra was? OK thanks. ("Some shoes," said the spouse.) Well, I think it's impossible that Kendra is the next American Idol, but that was a solid performance. Not going to vote for her, but may be enough to get her into the finals -- but she's no Christina Aguilera, at least in the singing department. We give Kendra Chantelle (what a name) a B/B+. ("Bad song choice," said the spouse. "Totally forgettable," said J-THREE-O.)

Rachel Zevita: Can totally see her at some cabaret in NYC -- not so much as the next American Idol. Wow, harsh, Randy. I didn't think it was that bad -- or that Broadway. She did go waaaay sharp. More importantly, both the spouse and I can totally see me wearing that dress. Wonder wear she got it. We give Rachel Zevita a B- ("though that may be generous," said the spouse; I was going to give her a B).

Karen Rodriguez: HATE "Hero." HATE HATE HATE. And Karen Rodriguez is no Mariah Carey, though she has an okay voice. But where's the passion? Her pitch was sharp, and that performance totally left me flat. Feh. WHA?! What performance was J. Lo listening to? Seriously, what is up with the acoustics over there? Hello? Is this thing on? Et tu, Steven? We give Ryan's Spanish a C- and the kid and spouse give Karen Rodriguez's performance a C+/B-; I give it a B.

Lauren Turner: No way is this chick the next American Idol. Or the next Bette Midler. Love her voice, and she's a performer -- and gave the best performance so far. Seriously loved it. But... I just don't see her as the next American Idol. (And yes, I know I'm repeating myself.) Agree with the Amy Winehouse analogy, btw. ("Her problem is she's a dog," said the spouse, who just had to explain what that means to J-THREE-O. Yup.) America, prove me wrong! We give Lauren Turner an A-.

Ashthon Jones: Love the hair. (J-THREE-O also has a pouf.) Not lovin' the song choice (or the shoes). Yawn. But I like Ashthon and hope she makes it into the Top 10. Good voice. The right look. And she can perform. "She has all the makings of a diva," said Jennifer Lopez, and I gotta agree. We give Ashthon Jones a B+. ("She was nothing special," said the spouse, who saw/heard Ashthon for the first time tonight. I actually think she is.)

Julie Zorrilla: Julie's been one of our favorite's since the audition, and not just because we love her cute skirts. But "Breakaway" was a really bad song choice. Really bad. ("Really out of tune," said the spouse.) And the band is drowning her out. And she kept sounding out of breath. Sigh. Note to Idol contestants: Don't try to outsing Kelly Clarkson. I'm with J. Lo and Randy 100%, not great, and Kelly did it better. And I really like Julie -- even thought she could be the next American Idol! But the spouse doesn't think she's making it into the Top 10. We give Julie Zorrilla a B-. Boo.

Haley Reinhart: Now Haley, on the other hand, is bringing it. Still prefer the Alicia Keys version of "Fallin'," but Haley's version is totally respectable (though could do without the growling). And she's not sharp! Hooray! We give Haley Reinhart an A-/B+, though I can see Randy's point about it being a bit karaoke. And I don't see Haley being the next American Idol either.

Thia Megia: AAARGH. What is it with the youngsters singing like old fogeys? We like Thia Megia, but OMG this is painful. Could it be any slower?! Awful. And she can sing! HATED IT. (J-THREE-O is so disgusted she just left the room -- to do HOMEWORK, which isn't even due tomorrow, for gosh sake.) Sigh. Yeah yeah yeah, she can sing, but there was NOTHING hot about that performance. Death. We give Thia Megia a B -- for Blah.

Lauren Alaina: FINALLY, an upbeat song! YAY! And a good (though not great) song choice (Reba McEntire's "On the Radio") to boot. Props to Miss Lauren Alaina. And I'm digging her makeover. We give her an A-. No way is Lauren not making it into the Top 10.

Pia Toscano: Why do I look so sad? Because almost everyone has chosen really crappy songs, Pia, including you. HAVE YOU PEOPLE LEARNED NOTHING IN 10 YEARS OF AMERICAN IDOL?! Sorry, chiquita, I'm not standing by you. Yeah, Pia can sing, and she's got the "whole package," as the judges like to say, but I can't vote for anyone who sings "I'll Stand By You." Still... pretty impressive. But we give Pia Toscano a B+. Would have been higher if not for the schmaltzy song choice factor.

My prediction: Lauren Alaina vs. Scotty McCreery in the finals.

Before I sign off, a quick word about the judges: I'm starting to miss Simon Cowell -- and find it odd that Randy has taken over that role. Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez are waaaay too wishy-washy -- zero help, so far. :-/

Come back tomorrow to find out who made it into the Top 10 - or 12. (Still a little confused about how this is going to work this season.)

UPDATED: Had to share perennial Idol reviewer Craig Berman's column on the Top 12 Girls. Priceless. He, too, is missing Simon.

UPDATED 3/3: And the Top 5 girls are... Lauren Alaina... Pia... Karen (boo)... Thia... and Haley (eh). I think America got it wrong. And joining them are... Ashthon... and Naima. Wow. Like Naima -- and wanted her to be in the Top 10, but her "singing for her life" performance sucked. And then there were 13. Until next week... J-TWO-O out.

American Idol Season 10: Top 12 Guys - UPDATED (with results)

After the HUGE disappointment that was last season's American Idol (aka American Idol Season 9: Simon Cowell's Last Hurrah), I had sworn off American Idol. Or so I thought. However, my curiosity about the new judges, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler, got the better of me. So I decided to check it out.

And, though I reserve the right to change my mind (again), I am back on the American Idol bandwagon -- and ready to blog. (LOVE Steven Tyler. LOVE. And am totally cool with J. Lo too, though last week's crying jag wore on my nerves.)

Here's hoping this year's crop of hopefuls, themes, and song choices are better than last year's!

Now let the real singing commence, starting with... the Top 12 Guys. First up...

Clint Jun Gamboa, singing Stevie Wonder's "Superstition." Good voice, great sneakers. But no way is this guy the next American Idol. I give Clint a B+; J-THREE-O says "I give him an A-."

Next...

Jovany Barreto, aka the shipyard guy with the killer abs, singing some really sappy ballad "I'll Be." And I'll be darned if this guy is the next American Idol. Part of the next cast of Jersey Shore, sure. Idol? No. I'm with Randy Jackson, it was just OK -- kinda karaoke. J-THREE-O gives Jovany a B/B-; ditto.

Followed by...

Jordan Dorsey. OMG, he SUCKS. Sorry Jordan, but you are no Usher. Not even close. In the words of Randy Jackson, very pitchy, dawg. All I can say is OMG, thank God that's over. I give Jordan Dorsey a C-; J-THREE-O is feeling generous and gives Jordan a C.

Next up...

Tim Halperin, who we barely saw during the auditions and Hollywood Week. Shades of Kris Allen? Well, Rob Thomas has nothing to worry about. Yet another karaoke (pitchy) performance, dawgs. SIGH. Don't think Tim is making it into the Top 10. In a nutshell: song choice, song choice, song choice. I give Tim a B- for his weak version of "Come on Over." J-THREE-O was appalled. She gives Tim Halperin a C+.

And...

Brett Loewenstern, whom I cannot stand. He's got a decent voice, but he is just too weird -- and coming from me that says a lot. Fortunately, I don't think his version of "Light My Fire" is going to light anyone's fire. More likely carrot top will go down in flames (at least here's hoping). WHA?! Steven Tyler, wha?! Were we listening to the same performance? Come on, J. Lo! At least Randy noticed Brett was pitchy. I give Brett Loewenstern a B-; J-THREE-O gives his performance a C+, but gives his hair an A.

And now...

James Durbin, screaming yet another song. Paging Adam Lambert. Okay... not hating it. Not loving it. Just not feeling it, though clearly Jennifer Lopez is. Still, Durbin probably has another week coming. And now that Steven Tyler and J. Lo have given James their blessing, no way is he going home this week. Et tu, Randy? Sigh. We give James Durbin's performance of "You've Got Another Thing Comin'" a B+.

Next up, the pride of Long Island...

Robbie Rosen, singing yet another sappy ballad, albeit singing it well -- though another minute of this and I'll be sound asleep. Seriously, Robbie, who died? You're 17 years old. Couldn't you pick something a little younger and more upbeat? Feh. Hated the song choice, but the boy's got a pretty voice. I give him an B+; J-THREE-O gives him a B, for majorly boring.

And now J. Lo fave...

Scotty McCreery, singing -- surprise! -- yet another country song! I admit, I kinda have a thing for Josh Turner, who Scotty sounds a whole lot like. That aside, J-THREE-O and I really like Scotty McCreery's voice, and he seems like a very nice young man. We give him an A/A-. If Scotty doesn't get into the Top 10, I'll be SHOCKED.

Followed by...

Stefano Langone, who is not one of my favorites. And he totally picked the wrong song in Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are," IOHO. Yet another karaoke bar performance. Yawn. (Did someone put Clint Jun Gamboa in charge of tonight's proceedings?) Don't know what Steven and Jennifer and Randy were listening to. Wasn't bad, but it PALED in comparison to the real deal. Could hear it on the radio right now? I don't think so. And I so do not find him the least bit good looking. Ugh. We give Stefano Langone a B.

And now...

Paul McDonald, who totally reminds me of the guy from Lady Antebellum. Or Rod Stewart, with a beard and a mustache -- minus the British accent and multiple wives and kids. Seriously, I'm strangely digging Paul's version of "Maggie May," though it is a little karaoke. And I totally dig his raspy, Rod Stewart-ish voice. Huh. I give Paul McDonald an A-/B+, while J-THREE-O says "B+/B."

Next up...

Jacob Lusk, who for some reason totally reminds me of Geoffrey Holder and has me craving a 7-UP right now. Not my favorite Jacob Lusk performance. The boy's got some mad vocals, but am just not loving the song choice ("A House Is Not a Home"). Still, he did better than some other guys I could name. And I hope he makes it to the Top 12, if not the Top 10. We give Jacob Lusk a B+ (though the song nearly put J-THREE-O to sleep).

And finally...

Casey Abrams, who we loved during Hollywood Week. But we also loved Taylor Hicks. And where is Taylor now? Yup. Sure, Casey Abrams is a great performer, and musician, and can sing, but who exactly is going to buy his records? Sure, applaud all you like, people, but this guy is NEVER going to be a best-selling artist. Still, we give Casey Abrams an A-.

That wraps it up for tonight, Idol fans. Come back tomorrow for a review of the Top 12 Girls. And on Thursday I'll post who was cut.

UPDATED 3/2: Wow. Just learned that last night's show was TAPED last Friday. What's up with that? Also many viewers in the NYC area were unable to phone in their votes due to "technical difficulties." I smell a fix...

UPDATED 3/3: And your Top 5 guys are... Scotty... Jacob... Casey... Paul... and James. No big surprises. And joining them is... Stefano. And there you have it, Idol fans. (Go to my Top 12 Girls post to see which ladies made it into the Top 13.) See you next week. J-TWO-O out.