Oy Hanukkah

Today is the 25th day of Kislev. And you know what that means, boys and girls! Yes, it's Hanukkah time again! Time to light some candles, eat some latkes, spin that dreidel, and pass out some presents (before you pass out) -- and pretend for eight nights that Hanukkah is way better and cooler than Christmas.

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Hanukkah was also an excuse for Utah Senator and lifelong Barbra Streisand fan Orrin Hatch to get his Jew on:

Eight Days of Hanukkah from Tablet Magazine on Vimeo.

You can read more about Senator Hatch's catchy new Hanukkah tune, titled "Eight Days of Hanukkah," here and here. (The latter is a MUST read, though I could have lived without knowing Orrin Hatch penned love songs.)

Personally, I prefer Adam Sandler's Hanukkah song:



I also prefer Christmas, or, as a certain friend/fellow blogger refers to it, "The Holiday for Everyone" (unless, of course, you are Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, or an Atheist), though I do adore a nice crisp latke with a little apple sauce and the Menorah is kind of pretty when it's all lit up.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a pile of presents to wrap.

UPDATED 12/13/09 (the third night of Hanukkah/Chanukah): Just came across this cover of Adam Sandler's "Chanukah Song" -- by Neil Diamond -- and had to include.

Frosty the Inappropriate Snowman

Et tu, Frosty? I guess Tiger Woods isn't the only famous figure who secretly frequented "gentleman's clubs" during the off season and liked to get it on with the ladies, lots and lots of ladies. But Frosty? Sniff. Next thing you know we'll be hearing that Santa's been getting it on with some cute little elf.

Btw, what you are about to see is real (i.e., actual CBS on-air promos). So brace yourselves.



I don't know if I will never be able to watch "Frosty the Snowman" again (or not). Thanks for nothing, CBS.

Seriously, I wonder who the now former employee in CBS's promotions department thought it would be hysterical to jointly promote that tender family classic "Frosty the Snowman" with CBS's raunchy hit show "How I Met Your Mother" -- with an on-air R-rated mashup featuring the voice of Neil Patrick Harris (as "How I Met Your Mother" lothario Barney Stimpson) as Frosty, discussing porn, breasts, and lethal injections.

Slightly O/T: Speaking of Tiger Woods, apparently not a single commercial featuring Tiger has aired -- not on cable, not on network TV -- since November 29. Vedy intehrestink.

Cat-acular cat-acular

For the three or four of you who somehow missed seeing these adorable cat videos, here you go.

Up first, "Surprised Kitty":



Up next, "The Return of Ninja Cat":



And finally, my favorite, "French bulldog [with cat]." It's the cat that totally makes this video, IMHO.



[Thanks to my Facebook friends and Cuteoverload.com for bringing these to my attention.]

How to choose a mistress

It has come to my attention recently that what really bothers most people (i.e., MEN) about the Tiger Woods "scandal" is not that he was cheating on his wife but how incredibly stupid he was in regard to how he conducted his affairs ("He's a graduate of STANFORD, for Chrissakes!") and with whom he conducted them. ("She was on a REALITY show! What did you expect?!")

So for all you men out there who are contemplating having an affair, particularly if you are a celebrity, I offer you the following tips on how to properly choose a mistress -- so your text and voice mail messages** won't wind up being published by TMZ or US Weekly or being broadcast on CNN, Fox, or MSNBC, and your wife won't receive any embarrassing letters describing your anatomy.

How to Choose a Mistress

1. Avoid women who seem way too eager to get in your pants (or vice versa) -- especially those who show or offer you their panties. (See "Monica Lewinsky.")

2. Never have sex with a woman who has been on a reality show, who wants to be on a reality show, or for whom reality shows are considered "must-see" TV.

3. Avoid nightclub managers, waitresses, and/or aspiring models, actresses, and singers -- or anyone who offers you her 8 x 10 glossy.

4. Similarly, steer clear of name droppers, celebrity seekers, and star f_ckers, or anyone who has ever dated a celebrity, professional athlete, famous figure, or titan of industry, especially if she has dated more than one of these (or claims to have).

5. Do not have sexual relations with women who are your direct reports or who stand to gain or lose position or salary from getting it on with you (unless you are David Letterman).

6. And whatever you do, do NOT mess around with your wife's best friend, sister, or that neighbor she's always chatting with.

7. Make sure your ho is not on any prescription medication -- or should be.

8. Avoid single women and/or women with nothing to lose. And while you're at it, avoid married women with husbands bigger, richer, or meaner than you.

9. Steer clear of women who are always texting. (What exactly is it you think they are texting all their friends? The weather report?)

10. Similarly, steer clear of women with Facebook and/or Twitter accounts, or who have their own blog, or who can type for that matter.

Other helpful hints:

* Always wear a condom.

* Never leave a paper or electronic trail.

* Don't cheat in the first place.

** Herewith, Tiger Woods' voicemail message to his mistress, asking her to take her name off her phone, set to music:



Bonus video: Stephen Colbert on Tiger Woods and his lack of respect for the sanctity of mistress:

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Man cleavage

Which is not to be confused with man boobs.

According to a "report" in today's Wall Street Journal (see, this is what happens when Rupert Murdoch buys your paper, people), "Man cleavage -- plunging necklines slit open to reveal chest hair, pectoral muscles, maybe more -- is back."

The Journal even provides this helpful, illustrative video:



I am actually for a little, emphasis on little, man cleavage, i.e., a couple of buttons artfully unbuttoned -- on the right guy -- though I in no way advocate big V-necks or shirts unbuttoned to a guy's pupic, and definitely not male tube tops.

(Full disclaimer: I first heard about this story this morning on Live with Regis and Kelly, where Anderson Cooper was subbing for Regis, and Kelly, after bringing up that she heard man cleavage was back then proceeded for several minutes to cajole Anderson to unbutton his shirt, which despite great effort on Kelly's behalf -- and I was so rooting for her, as was the audience -- he did not do, at least on the air. Boo.)

UPDATED: For those who care, here's a link to highlights of the "man cleavage" segment from Live with Regis and Kelly.

Heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard that REO Speedwagon has a new online video game

Actually, I heard it from Kai Rissdal, on this morning's Marketplace segment on NPR, and I nearly ran my Mini off the road.

The game, which is only available online, starting TODAY, and is aimed at "casual gamers" (you know who you are), is called REO Speedwagon: Find Your Own Way Home, after the band’s 2007 album. The plot (loosely): Find REO Speedwagon lead singer Kevin Cronin, with the help of his four band mates and a fictional TV entertainment show reporter.

The cost for a single session of REO Speedwagon: Find Your Own Way Home (which can last for up to 10 hours -- though if yours does, I'd call a doctor), only $8! And the first hour is free, people! (For more about the game, read this.)

Btw, the REO Speedwagon interactive online game is being released in conjunction with REO Speedwagon the Christmas album, titled “Not So Silent Night: Christmas With REO Speedwagon.” And when you buy a session of the game, you will receive a coupon code for 25 percent off the holiday album -- and a chance to win tickets to one of REO Speedwagon's upcoming concerts AND meet the band! How awesome is that, people?! We're talking REO Speedwagon here, who gave us such memorable hits as "Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore," "Take It on the Run," "Keep on Loving You," and other memorable '80s classics!

You're welcome.

The Tiger Woods thing (UPDATED)

As we should all know by now, celebrities and professional athletes are not like you and I. So when golfer Tiger Woods crashed his Cadillac Escalade into a neighbor's tree and a fire hydrant at 2:25 a.m. this past Friday, in the exclusive gated community of Isleworth, outside of Orlando, Florida, where Woods lives with his beautiful wife, Elin, and their two young children, the police, instead of performing a breathalyzer or any kind of test on Woods, instead asked Woods for his autograph and escorted his ambulance to the hospital.

Okay, I have no idea if the autograph and escort part is true, but from the various reports I have read, I wouldn't doubt it.

Since the accident, a lot of rumors have been floating around the Internet, on TV, in the tabloids and in the more supposedly "legitimate" newspapers as to "what really happened that night," and whether Elin Nordegren Woods had actually used that golf club to smash the back windows of her husband's Escalade to get the semi-conscious Tiger out of the vehicle, as is the Woods family's public line, or if she had used it on Tiger prior to (i.e., resulting in) his getting into the vehicle and smashing it into his neighbor's tree and a nearby fire hydrant at 2:25 a.m., as is being privately (and not-so-privately) bandied about.

Woods has declined to discuss the accident, with the Florida Highway Patrol or anyone else, saying it is a "private matter." Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. I'm not a lawyer. (And those of you are versed in this area of law, please feel free to chime in in the comments.) But I do know that if the driver of that vehicle had been some guy named Tim Woods, particularly some black guy named Tim Woods, the incident would not be a "private matter," nor would the cops have gone so easy on the guy. At the very least they would have administered a breathalyzer test or checked for alcohol or drugs.

What do I think caused Tiger to flee his house at 2:25 a.m. right after Thanksgiving and crash his car? Let's just say I don't think he was running to the store to get a quart of milk. Clearly it was either a) a domestic dispute; b) he was out of it (due to alcohol or drugs) and not thinking straight; and/or c) he was going off to meet someone on an urgent matter that couldn't wait -- which caused or was the result of a) and/or b).

Btw, if it was a "domestic dispute" over Tiger possibly being involved with another woman, would any of you be surprised to find out Woods had been driving on someone else's fairway or sinking his balls into a hole on some other, shall we say, course? If you are, you are hopelessly naive. As a good male friend once told me, there are only three reasons a guy doesn't cheat: lack of opportunity; lack of libido; and fear. Even if he has a wife as beautiful and sexy and Swedish as the former Elin Nordegren.

Frankly, I really don't care what caused the accident. I just find Woods' behavior/response underwhelming, to say the least. As a result, I believe the damage to his reputation will be (some say already is) worse than the damage he inflicted upon himself or his car, especially with the announcement that we would not be participating in the Chevron World Challenge, a charity event Woods sponsors, nor any other tournaments this year.

So, what do you think about the Tiger Woods thing? Leave me a comment.

UPDATED at 3:20 p.m.: Check out this column by the Washington Post's Sally Jenkins. I thought Jenkins nailed it.

UPDATED at 3:38 p.m.: The Florida Highway Patrol has cited Tiger Woods for careless driving, which carries a $164 fine and four points against his driver’s license. And so ends the story, at least as far as the Florida Highway Patrol is concerned. You can read more about this here.

UPDATED 12/2/09: Apparently "being human" or "not perfect" means cheating on your wife while she is pregnant with you child, or pretty much any time your on the road and are feeling horny. Btw, I am not at all surprised, just a bit sad. I mean, if a gorgeous blonde Swede can't hold onto her man, what hope is there for the rest of us? Oh, and those guys who've been calling into all the sports talk shows tut-tutting Tiger? It's all B.S. If they were in Tiger Woods' position they would have done the exact same thing.