Jewish New Year's Resolutions

In honor of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, I offer up the following New Year's Resolutions. (Note: Any resemblance to real Jewish persons is entirely a coincidence.)

• I will not brag about my son... the doctor... who graduated from Harvard, with honors, and was just listed by some big important magazine as one of the best doctors in [insert name of city here]. (And did I mention he and his lovely wife just bought a lovely new house and are about to give me my first grandson?) 

• I promise to have sex with my husband, that is, if he can tear himself away from that blonde shiksa he hired. (I have no idea what he sees in her. Also, her boobs? Totally fake.) And would it kill him to get his back waxed?

• I will not brag about my new car (a Maybach, only cost me $425,000). 

• I will not nag my children about calling me more often, though would it kill you to pick up a phone once in a while? (Email, shmemail. Feh.) 

• I will keep my mouth closed about my daughter, who insists on living in sin with that no-good deadbeat. Would it kill him to get a real job? And what's with the earring? 

• I will not brag to all my friends about my grandchildren... though, did I mention, my granddaughter was just accepted at Harvard, Yale, Stanford, and Princeton?  

• I will listen to my wife complain without rolling my eyes.

• I will not post embarrassing pictures of my children/grandchildren on their Facebook pages. (Bar and bat mitzvah photos from the 1970s and 1980s don't count, do they?)

• This year, I will lose 20 pounds. Now would you be a dear and pass me more noodle kugel? 

• I will not pass judgment upon others. (Though did you see [insert name here]'s house? It's like animals live there. Disgusting. And did you see what she wore to the club the other night? What does she think she is, 25? And him! Running around with that woman. Shameful.)

L'shanah tovah!