Monkey Sex, Football, and Cucumbers (and rated PG-13!)

I will get to the Giants convincing win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in just a minute. (My headline: "One Giant Leap for Manning Kind.") But first, I wanted to share with you the findings of a recent study that suggests that primates may treat sex as a commodity. (I know what some of you are thinking: Male primates paying for sex is news?!)

Yes, dear readers, according to the researchers who apparently had nothing better to do than to watch macaques fornicate (primate porn?), male monkeys must "pay" for sex, in the form of grooming.

As an expert quoted in the AP report noted: ''It is not a rare phenomenon in nature that males have to make some 'mating effort' in order to get a female's 'permission' to mate." He then went on to liken the effort to a ''fee'' that the male pays.

So, in other words, boys and girls, when the male macaque wants some nookie action, he's gotta do something the female really wants him to do (like the dishes or laundry or vacuuming) or no nookie. (You paying attention, boys? Cause if it works in nature...)

And here's the bit the researchers got really excited about: when there are fewer females, the male macaque needs to up the grooming ante (i.e., spend more); a plethora of primate lovelies and he gets off flicking a flea or two (i.e., not so much grooming -- or these chimpy chicks can be had for cheap). Apparently the laws of supply and demand rule the jungle, too.

Moving right along...

DID YOU SEE THE GIANTS GIVE IT TO TAMPA YESTERDAY?! DID YOU?! Okay, chances are if you are a female reading this (though not you, Sherry, cause I know you were watching -- and my condolences) you did not. So you can skip down. But for those of you who care about football, unless you are a Steelers' or a Redskins' fan, in which case, sorry dudes, keep reading.

For those of you who don't know (though you do now), the Giants beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers very convincingly yesterday afternoon. Frankly, I don't think the boys on The Fan (Sports Radio 66, WFAN) or on ESPN thought they had it in them. And for a while there, as in the first quarter, it didn't look too good for Coughlin's boys. But what a difference a few minutes can make. And contrary to what Georgette said to me this morning, it was NOT luck. The Giants won, 24 - 14, and they earned it. (Btw, I can NOT believe the Times Online did not have a giant banner announcing the win right on the front page at the tippy top. Had to scroll down at least a half a page. Feh.)

Will the boys in blue continue their aggressive play and defeat the Dallas Cowboys this coming Sunday? I think they can. (And I used to really like Tony Romo, until he started dating Jessica Simpson. What's up with THAT?!) Stay tuned.

Lastly, I wanted to share a bit of roadside humor my good friend, Tabitha, who lives in Great Britain but grew up here in the U.S. of A., emailed to me after reading my email (now blog post) about God's bulletin board:

"As you drive deep into N.E. Pennsylvania, you see a huge sign with a giant cucumber that urges you to 'Call 1-800-CUCUMBER for all your cucumber needs!' And in case you missed the message, it is repeated in Hebrew. (I assume that it is a repeat of the above message, though I haven't had that verified). It's my personal signal that I have reached the 'area of outstanding natural beauty' (a formal designation in GB) favoured by the Hassidic community in Brooklyn for their holiday homes.... Ah America, home of the tasteful cucumber empire!"

So if any of you happen to pass this billboard AND can read Hebrew, could you please confirm that is what the Hebrew version says? Also, I strongly recommend that the next time you have cucumber needs, you call 1-800-CUCUMBER.