Friday, February 27, 2009

Well, it's a nice day for a writing 'bout a wedding -- Super QB Tom Brady marries supermodel Gisele Bundchen in twilight ceremony

Hey Gisele Bundchen what have you done?
Hey Gisele Bundchen who's the only one? (Tom Brady!)
Hey Gisele Bundchen who's your superman? (Tom Brady!)
Hey Gisele Bundchen who's the one you want? (Tom Brady!)
Hey Gisele Bundchen shot gun formation!

Well, I heard it was a nice day for a white wedding.

Yes folks, according to various reports, New England Patriots super quarterback Tom Brady and Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen tied the knot in "a romantic twilight wedding" in Santa Monica, California, last night.

Apparently, the bride wore ivory Dolce & Gabbana -- as did her three dogs.

So I guess technically it was an off-white wedding.

And speaking of "off" and "white" weddings, if you have not seen the latest "literal" take on a popular video, do check out this version of Billy Idol's "White Wedding":

[H/T to Kevin K. over at Rumproast]

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Special Ash Wednesday blog post: You might not be repentant if...

In honor of Ash Wednesday and the season of Lent, a little Lenten humor, which I'd like to call "You might not be repentant if..."

You might not be repentant if...

All your prayers involve a certain Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.

You might not be repentant if...

You gave up your virginity for Lent.

You might not be repentant if...

Your idea of sacrifice means not Twittering, but you think emailing, Facebooking, and IMing are all okay.

You might not be repentant if...

You only gave up imported beer for Lent.

You might not be repentant if...

You think "fasting" means going over the speed limit.

You might not be repentant if...

You think almsgiving means spending your paycheck at an Indian casino.

You might not be repentant if...

Your idea of penance is reading your friends' blogs.

Monday, February 23, 2009

President Barack Obama could learn a thing or two from the trainers at SeaWorld

After all, if one can train a killer whale to roll over and jump through the air, how hard can it be to get a Republican to roll over and jump on the economic recovery bandwagon?

All you need is the right bait and some positive reinforcement and pretty soon you'll have those ornery Congresspeople and Senators falling in line.

Don't believe me? Then read writer Amy Sutherland's article, "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage," about how she used tips gleaned from exotic animals trainers to successfully get her husband, Scott, to modify undesirable, unproductive behaviors. (Sutherland also wrote a whole book on the subject, Kicked, Bitten, and Scratched: Life and Lessons at the World's Premier School for Exotic Animal Trainers, which is being made into a movie starring Naomi Watts.)

Just think, President Obama, if an average woman can get her alpha male husband of over 12 years to start picking up his dirty laundry and stop hovering around her and second-guessing her, what you (no average man) could do with John Boehner and Mitch McConnell!

You just need to learn how to reward the behaviors you like and ignore the behaviors you don't, according to Sutherland and the exotic animal trainers. (And after all, aren't all politicians exotic animals?) Oh, and whatever you do, don't nag or sound self-righteous. "After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose [or Congress to pass major legislation] by nagging," noted Sutherland.

So may I suggest that for your next vacation, President Obama, you take the family to SeaWorld and spend a few days with the trainers there?

I am sure if you do that you will have those cats in Washington, D.C., toeing the line in no time...

And practically jumping for joy to pass key legislation.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Oh, the things you can see at the zoo

Can you scratch a little bit to the left?

That's some toothpick.

Here kitty, kitty...

Guess he was happy to see me.

Up next: SeaWorld (though am a little nervous about my affect on Shamu).

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Westward Ho

Am heading to sunny SoCal for a few days, hoping to put a little bounce back in my step -- and see what may be worth bidding for on eBay*.

*Considering California is facing a $41 billion budget gap, I'm guessing pretty much everything is up for grabs -- or soon will be.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Despair is the new happiness

Finally, a cure for the annoyingly cheerful:

About effing time.

(H/T to friend of the blog Larissa for sending me a link to that video.)

And how about some DespairWear to go with your new attitude?

Have a mediocre day.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Can't figure out what to get your guy or gal for Valentine's Day this year? Never fear, J-TWO-O to the rescue!

Forget the flowers and the chocolates and the Hallmark cards this Valentine's Day. Instead, how about getting a little creative?

Like how about a little "personalized erotic fiction" -- that you can instantly mail? Yeah baby. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout. ; ) And so, apparently, do the people over at HoochyMail, "the first internet service that allows you to create a thrilling, explicit erotic fantasy about yourself and your special someone, doing all sorts of exciting and sexy things, in all sorts of exotic and interesting locales!" (Which, in my house, would mean me watching my spouse vacuum the kitchen floor. Ooo, I am getting hot just thinking about it!)

Or maybe your special someone would like a pair of personalized panties or briefs. In which case, click on over to Blume Girl, which makes custom underwear for guys and gals (as well as babies and dogs).

Or what about a cute pair of PJs for your dream girl, guys, from Pajamagram? (Sorry guys, perky breasts not included.)

Or for you geeks out there, how 'bout some "Proximity Based Geek Lovin'" in the form of the ThinkGeek 8-Bit Dynamic Life Shirt?

(The spouse actually got us the shirts a couple years ago, but I am ashamed to say we have yet to wear them.)

Or to help stoke those erotic fantasies (see "HoochyMail," above), how about giving her (or him) some luscious chocolate-covered strawberries? Mmm mmm, that looks tasty. (And remember, dark chocolate is good for you!)

Just can't be bothered? You can still give my favorite gift, which lasts a lifetime (or at least a few minutes) and costs nothing: Look into your loved one's eyes and say "I love you."

UPDATED AT 4:20 P.M.: Commenter "Kay the Jeweler" thinks my last suggestion is a cop out, which it is. So may I suggest, instead, you get your beloved a nice poster for Valentine's Day?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Meg Whitman announces she's running for governor of California, will auction state on eBay... Plus happy belated birthday to Sarah Palin

This just in: Meg Whitman, the former president and CEO of eBay, announced this week that she is seeking the Republican nomination for governor of California. There is expected to be a good deal of competition for the nomination as current governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is barred from seeking another term. (Am waiting to see which newspaper runs the headline "Schwarzenegger Terminated" or "Hasta la vista, Ahnold" in November 2010.)

Despite the competition, Whitman is confident that hers will be the winning bid. (Due to electoral law, Whitman was barred from buying the election outright.) Her solution to solving California's economic problems: she intends to put all state and local contracts, as well as most of Silicon Valley, up for bid on eBay.

In other gubernatorial news, yesterday was Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's birthday. And the nice folks over at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue on MSNBC put together this tribute to the former Republican Vice-Presidential candidate:

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Does size really matter?

If all the hullabaloo around the economic recovery package is any indication, it sure does. Though as some would argue, it's not the meat (i.e., the amount), it's the motion (how the package is used).

And speaking of package size, why do (some) men feel the need to bring up or accentuate their packages? (Yes, I am talking about you, David Beckham, though you are far from alone.) And does the size of a man's... manhood really matter?

As I do not consider myself an expert on this topic -- and personally find a big brain and a big heart the two most attractive male organs -- allow me to direct you to a site called "Human for Sale." There you can take a short survey to find out if penis size (yes, Dave S., I said "penis") does, in fact, matter and see the results to many probing and stimulating questions.

Oh, and ladies, if such a thing does matter to you, as well as the size of his bank account, do check out his ring finger. (I also have a pet theory that you can tell a lot about a man's... manhood by the length and shape of his nose.)

And while penis size may not be a big issue for women, clearly the size of a woman's breasts are front and center issues to most (though not all) men. Indeed, women's breasts, or, more specifically, Playboy Playmates' breasts, are such a big issue to researchers at the University of Chicago, they created a Playmate database.

And now the intrepid journalists at Wired magazine, going where nearly every man has gone before, have taken it upon themselves to also flip through countless issues of Playboy Magazine to determine if women's proportions and body mass index have changed since Playboy's founding in the 1950s.

Their findings: "While real American women have steadily eaten their way up the BMI slope — just like American men — Playmates have gone from a sylphlike 19.4 to an anime-ideal 17.6." (You can read about the study, and gaze upon the test subjects, by clicking here.*)

And, you could argue, the same applies to Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, if the latest swimsuit issue is any indication.

Yes, my friends, just in time for Valentine's Day, the Sports Illustrated 2009 Swimsuit Issue is here! (Now available on newsstands across the country and online!) I bet Bar Refaeli and Brooklyn Decker have no problem staying afloat.

So does size really matter? And when it comes down to it are women all boobs and men all dicks? I, for one, hope not (though looking at some of our elected officials the past two decades, one could be forgiven for thinking otherwise).

(*H/T to friend of the blog and breast connoisseur JJV for sending me this fascinating article and his diligence in figuring out that the University of Chicago had a Playmate database, which one can only glean by clicking on a picture of a particular Playmate.)

Monday, February 9, 2009

Why not put the stimulus package to a popular vote?

Call me crazy or naive, but we're talking about a whole lot of money, potentially over a trillion dollars here, which will effect the lives of U.S. citizens for many years and generations to come. Why note vote on it, like we do with other ballot initiatives, referendums (or referenda), and propositions?

Plenty of towns and cities across the United States already hold budgetary votes and vote on important local and statewide issues. So why not treat the stimulus package in the same way? Let the House and Senate take their best shot at creating a stimulus plan and then, I say, let's open it up to a national vote! If a majority of voters is for it, it passes/gets enacted. If a majority votes against it, it goes back to the drawing board or dies.

And please, spare me all the talk about the expense and coordination. This is our money, people. I think we should have a say in how it is spent.

UPDATED 6:15 P.M.:
Click here to see a comparison of the $827 billion economic recovery plan drafted by Senate Democrats and President Barack Obama with a $820 billion version passed by the House, provided by the Associated Press. Also, President Obama will hold a no-doubt stimulating press conference tonight at 8 p.m. ET.

AND WHILE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF STIMULI... Was anyone really surprised to learn that Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez took "performance enhancing" drugs for several years, or believes his pathetically lame excuses? Puh-lease. So much for "natural ability." Seriously, are there any top professional athletes out there who are not now nor have ever taken some kind of performance helper? Name names.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Something stinks about AT&T's new Valentine's Day ad

Pepe Le Pew has sold out, to AT&T. Et tu, Pepe? I know times are tough for everyone, but this stinks.

I loved Pepe Le Pew growing up. He was one of my favorite cartoon characters (along with Marvin the Martian) on TV. So I was very upset to see the little skunk hawking the new Samsung Propel for AT&T. P U.

Even more disturbing is how AT&T has turned Penelope Pussycat into a brazen hussy, when everyone knows she typically tried to avoid Pepe like the plague.

What's up with that? What's next, Sherman and Mr. Peabody hawking IBM supercomputers?

And speaking of things that stink: I deleted my blog post on the new tell-all book by the Manhattan Madam, the woman who ran the "escort service" Eliot Spitzer used. (Though do check out her site to find out how much you are worth per hour!) A key piece of information was incorrect (I thought the book was written by Ashlee Dupre, the woman who brought Eliot Spitzer down, literally), and the real story wasn't nearly as exciting or titillating.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Does your pet have a drinking problem?

Michael Phelps is not the only party animal out there.

What a pig*!

And speaking of pigs, Felix is such a water hog that he can't wait for me to fill (or refill) his water bowl.

He takes a licking and keeps on... licking.

Yeah, yeah, I know: I'm enabling him. But if I didn't run the water, he would lick directly from the faucet.

Btw, before you start making comments about the quality of the video, it was taken by my daughter, J-THREE-O, who was trying very hard not to laugh too much.

*Yes, that is a real pig, chugging an O'Doul's as some do-gooder animal rights people got all freaked out about the pig swilling real beer. And I took the picture. If you want to see one of the pigs in action (yes, there is more than one), go to And no, no member of the J-TWO-O family is responsible for that footage.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Poll: Which is the greater (or greatest) sin, politically?

So what exactly does it take these days to disqualify someone from attaining political or elected office or getting thrown out of one?

Click on an answer -- or supply one of your own via a Comment -- and check back later to see how others voted. FYI: You are only allowed to cast one vote per day.

Which is the greater (or greatest) sin, politically?
Cheating on or not paying your taxes
Cheating on your wife
Asking for or taking political bribes
Doing a bong with a bunch of frat boys -- and getting caught
Saying something really stupid -- and having it caught on tape and posted on YouTube
Pissing off Rush Limbaugh free polls

UPDATED 11:04 A.M.: A failure to pay taxes has officially claimed its first victim, Nancy Killefer, who President Barack Obama had nominated to be Chief Performance Officer.

UPDATED 1:00 P.M.: They are dropping like flies! Per MSNBC, Tom Daschle has now officially withdrawn his nomination (in part because of the unpaid taxes issue and in part because of past lobbying efforts).

Technical Note: When you click on "View" you are taken to and comments left on that page will NOT appear on J-TWO-O.

To leave a Comment on J-TWO-O after you have viewed the results of the poll, hit your back button, and then click on COMMENT at the end of this post. If you don't have a blog, you can leave a Name (no URL necessary) or be Anonymous.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Happy Post-Super Bowl, Groundhog, Pre-Blogroll Amnesty Day!

This weekend I discovered, thanks to Jon Swift and Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, that February 3 was Blogroll Amnesty Day (though it is actually being celebrated January 31 - February 3, making it more of a Blogroll Amnesty Long Weekend), "the blogosphere's greatest (and, so far, only) holiday... a day when we salute all of the great smaller blogs that don't get the recognition they deserve," per Mr. Swift. To which I say "here, here" -- as in, send your readers here, here, to J-TWO-O, a Lilliputian-sized blog with big dreams, Mr. Swift and Mr. Bush Kangaroo! (Hmm... Maybe they should have called it National Blog Whoring Day.)

And while I think giving voice/linkage to deserving small blogs is a most noble idea, and I do my bit every day by linking to many fine small (and some large) blogs (at right), which I encourage everyone reading this to click on and explore, I am suffering a bit from "special day" overload. Take today, for example, which is Groundhog Day. And this just in from Gobbler's Knob, Pennsylvania: Six more weeks of winter. Curse you, Punxsutawney Phil! (No wonder he's packing heat. He's going to need it after that forecast. Feh.)

It is also Post-Super Bowl/Big Game Day (more on this below). And now Pre-Blogroll Amnesty Day (which should really be called Support Your Favorite Small Blogs Day). And in less than two weeks it will be Valentine's Day. And then before we know it it'll be St. Patrick's Day, which is really just an excuse to drink way too much beer, act like an idiot, and piss in an alley.

Enough with the "days" already.

What's next, Stimulate the Economy Day? A Day without Rod Blagojevich Day? (Though that would be nice. Ditto A Day without Sarah Palin Day.) Rush Limbaugh Day? (Though really every day is Rush Limbaugh Day, at least at MSNBC.) Oh and don't get me started on National Boss Day. (What are the self-employed supposed to do, celebrate themselves?)

But as today is the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday it behooves me to briefly discuss the Big Game, even though neither the New York Giants nor the New York Jets played this year. Herewith, J.'s Thoughts on Super Bowl XLIII (typed during the Big Game):

First Half:
* Is make-up speed anything like make-up sex?

* Is it me or were this year's commercials way better than last year's? (The spouse and I particularly liked the Pepsi commercial featuring Bob Dylan and, though Pepsi? And I did chuckle at the ad with Danica Patrick in the shower and the ad. Though I still HATE those dumb eTrade ads with the baby(ies). Btw, you can watch all the Super Bowl ads on

* Apparently, per the announcers, Kurt Warner had yet to "find his rhythm" and is "a rhythm quarterback." Considering the guy has seven kids (though three are adopted, I believe), I would say the rhythm method hasn't been working for Kurt for a while now.

* Second quarter, just over 8 minutes left, looked like we had a game -- and Kurt found his rhythm! Steelers 10, Cardinals 7.

* Just wondering, how many letters can fit on the back of an official NFL jersey? Good thing Ben is so Big, otherwise Roethlisberger would never fit; ditto Rodgers-Cromartie.

* Phenomenal end to the half, if you are a Steelers fan -- 100 yard interception return by No. 92, James Harrison, the youngest of 14 kids. (Whoa.) Was the longest interception return in Super Bowl history. Though totally sucked if you (like me and the spouse) were rooting for the Cardinals. Gotta admit though, that was pretty incredible. Did not see that one coming (nor, apparently, did Kurt Warner and the Cardinals. Again, so much for the "rhythm" method).

Half Time:
* I am so not feeling you Sobe. And what is with all the 3-D sh*t?

* Listening to the NBC Gatorade half-time team, I am not listening. Commentary overload. Let's not go back to the first possession of the game, Bob... (Clearly they were playing for time and praying for Bruce Springsteen to start playing.)

* Re Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, how much do you think they made for 12 minutes/4 songs? Not a huge fan of The Boss, but the spouse and I thought he put on a very good show -- and the saxophone player kicked butt. Also liked the girls with guitars. (And hey, it beat the heck out of listening to Bob Costas, Chris Collinsworth, and the rest of the NBC Gatorade half-time crew prattle on for another 12 minutes.)

Second Half:
* Harrison almost did it again. Almost.

* End of the third: Pittsburgh 20, Arizona 7. Yawn. Give me Super Bowl XLII. (Even the commercials had gotten boring.) But then...

* 7:33 to go in the fourth and Larry Fitzgerald scored a touchdown for Arizona -- 20 - 14, Steelers. And, okay, that Alec Baldwin commercial and the latest "Heroes" ad were pretty funny. Things were looking up!

* 6:39 to go and Roethlisberger gets sacked. Better...

* Et tu Richard Dean Anderson? Pepsuber? Really? Worse...

* You call that a penalty?! Harrison should have been thrown out of the game. Talk about unnecessary roughness. Those were low blows.

* Wow. Safety. Pittsburgh 20, Arizona 16. Less than three minutes to go... Things were starting to get interesting again.

* 2:37 Larry Fitzgerald goes ALL... THE... WAY! WoW. Arizona 23, Pittsburgh 20. Whoa. Talk about an amazing race... (And Matt Leinart makes a cameo.)

* Holy cow! Pittsburgh scored a touchdown with 35 seconds left in the fourth quarter! Another amazing play. No sh*t, Sherlock -- I mean Santonio, who went on to become the MVP. So much for boring. Though you gotta feel a little bad for Warner, Fitzgerald, and the Cardinals.

* And it's over. The Pittsburgh Steelers win 27 - 23, becoming the first franchise to win six Super Bowls.

Oh and do check out my Super Bowl Pre-Game Wrap-Up if you have not already done so -- and check out some small blogs this week!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Super Bowl Pre-Game Wrap-Up, including clip of Matt Lauer's interview with President Obama

And now for a brief discussion of the six days, I mean hours, of pre-Super Bowl game coverage, which was about five-and-a-half hours too long...

"Paul Blart: Mall Cop"?! Are you people kidding me? Now Doris Kearns Goodwin on a Segway, THAT would have made for some great TV, but Kevin James promoting his crappy film? Puh-lease. (Though the "Chuck" 3-D promo was also pretty -- make that incredibly -- lame, even with the supermodel.) And while I still get chills thinking about and watching "the Catch," did we really need, NBC executives, to spend 15 minutes (or however long it was) watching you guys dissecting every part of it, from every angle (even though David Tyree seems like a nice enough/hard-working enough guy)?

Heck, even Bob Costas was getting punchy toward the end of the pre-game marathon -- and seemed relieved when it was over. Though it could have been worse. The Super Bowl could have been aired on Fox, which would have meant six hours of Terry Bradshaw and the rest of those clowns. (Crossing self, even though I am not Catholic.)

I did, however, really enjoy Matt Lauer's interview with President Barack Obama.

I am not into celebrity worship, but I am absolutely smitten by our new President, Barack Obama. What a concept: a young, smart, fun, funny guy and family man in the White House. Loved the interview. Love the President. I would do (almost) anything to get a job in the White House or with this administration or with a governmental agency or Congress, or as a writer officially covering the administration, just to be closer to the action. And I though Matt Lauer did a very nice job. And they both seemed very relaxed.

Well, Jennifer Hudson just finished singing the national anthem (another great performance), and it's time to play ball. May the better team win.