Call me uncouth, or unfashionable, but I don't care what VOGUE or ELLE or Harper's Bazaar says. Prints and patterns rarely look good together (if ever). Ditto big, chunky clothes that make you look like an Eskimo (or Inuit) out to harpoon a whale -- or tight-fitting clothes that make you look and feel like a sausage.
Shouldn't clothing just look good and feel good -- or make the wearer look good and feel good, as in, feel comfortable?
[Somewhere in the offices of Condé Nast and Hearst, people are fainting -- or scoffing. "No mixing patterns?! Clothing that looks good and feels good? Mon dieu!" Yeah, definitely scoffing.]
Let's take a look, for a moment, at some of the trends for this fall that ELLE Magazine has anointed "The Top 14 Trends of Fall 2014."
Such as robe (or belted) coats. These are winter coats with no buttons, or zippers, to help hold in the warmth. Just a belt. Have you ever worn a robe coat or jacket? I have, and let me tell you, they never stay shut -- and don't tend to keep you very warm. And the ones pictured in ELLE (click on the link, above) don't even look good on the models!
ELLE also predicts the 1960s are back in a big way. (Though every year since Mad Men has been on, The '60s seems to be a fashion trend.) While I don't personally have anything against mini skirts and knee-high boots, hasn't this "trend" been done to death -- and done better (like, in the 1960s)?
And I don't care what the fashion doyennes say, bigger isn't necessarily better. (See above reference to Inuits and whales.)
|ELLE Magazine - Getty Images|
I don't even know what to say about the "straight jacket" trend. Clearly irony is alive and well on Seventh Avenue.
As for wearing a dress over pants -- that's pants, not leggings (which I can sort of, maybe, understand).... I think I speak for many of us when I say, WTF?! Wear a dress -- or wear a pantsuit. But please, don't wear a dress over pants. People (in the real world) will just look at you funny.
Other trends I spied: the military look, the Western look, the urban zombie (I kid you not). Just. Stop.
Give me clothes that are fun, but make them functional and flattering, too. Like a great-fitting pair of jeans, a nice button-down shirt or knit top, and a sweater that doesn't make me look like the Michelin man, or itch. Is that so much to ask?
Bonus David Bowie "Fashion" video: