Wednesday, August 20, 2014

12 Things You'd Love to Say on Facebook... but won't (or shouldn't)

We've all had that moment on Facebook (which I often think should be called HumbleBrag) where we've seen a photo or read a status update and thought unkind thoughts -- but left a nice comment anyway. But what if people actually told the truth on Facebook? You know, wrote what they really thought?

[Thinks about this a minute. Realizes she is a) guilty of the occasional brag, whether done intentionally or not, and b) would probably have no Facebook friends if she didn't filter her thoughts.]

Okay, so that probably isn't going to happen. And probably shouldn't (most of the time). But admit it, at one time or another, you have probably thought one of the following when looking at Facebook -- and even went as far as typing it... and then quickly deleting it.

Herewith, 12 Things You'd Love to Say on Facebook... but won't (and, okay, probably shouldn't; listed in no particular order):

[NOTE: To all my friends and family members reading this, please remember that this is a satirical blog and that I'm not necessarily talking about you. I love your kids, cats, and dogs. Seriously, they are the cutest -- and so intelligent!]
  • Please stop using pictures of your kid(s) as your profile photo.

  • When was that profile photo taken, 10 years ago? 

  • Could you edit those photos before you post them? Half of them are blurry and do we really need to see six shots of you/your spouse/your best friend who isn't even on Facebook holding a glass of wine/margarita/beer?

  • Do you guys not see each other/live together/talk to each other anymore? Or are you just afraid if you don't wish your spouse a happy birthday/anniversary in 100 words or more on Facebook, letting everyone know you are happiest/luckiest gal/guy in the world, every year, that he/she will divorce you?

  • Hey, you two, could you conduct this conversation via email or Facebook Messenger?

  • Too much information!

  • Please stop signing me up for sh*t. If I wanted to play that game/have that app, I would have signed up for it myself.

  • Wow, you got fat/old!

  • OMFG, ANOTHER photo of your kid/dog/cat?! I hate to break it to you but no one besides you and your parents think your kid/dog/cat is that cute/talented (and I'm not so sure about your parents).

  • Please stop constantly posting articles about [INSERT POLITICALLY CHARGED TOPIC HERE].

  • You win. Your kid is way smarter than mine.

  • You win. Your life is way better than mine.
Care to add to the list? Just leave a Comment. 


Anonymous said...

There would be no FB !

Anonymous said...

...And guilty as charged !

Fact Lovin' Liberal said...

13. Jesus hates Facebook. And he's undecided about you.

Anonymous said...

Spot on!! J, rest assured, that Jesus loves you!