Of bras and panties and going Commando

[Alternate titles: Miracle on 64th Street or Making Mountains Out of Mole Hills]

Ever since reading this article (about the A-cup crowd) and this other article (about finding the perfect bra) in The New York Times back in September, I have been dying to go see Linda The Bra Lady, in New York City, and have her team of expert bra fitters work their magic on me (or certain parts thereof), just like she did on Live with Regis and Kelly:



So, for my birthday, I made an appointment to go to Linda The Bra Lady's store, with my friend, G. And lo and behold, right there on 64th Street and Lexington Avenue in New York City, a miracle occurred. For how else can I possibly explain my ability to suddenly wear a C-cup (without the benefit of plastic surgery or pregnancy) -- and a form fitting C-cup at that? It was a miracle, I tell you -- or else the work of some very marketing-savvy bra manufacturers. (Evil, evil bra marketers.)

Whatever the reason, being professionally fitted (i.e., smooshed, or should I say, artfully arranged?) into one gorgeous bra after another, all of which looked great on, made me feel like a true C-cup -- a really pretty, sexy C-cup. Note: Being fitted for a bra -- or being a bra fitter for that matter -- is not for the faint of heart (or breast) or the modest. Without going into too much detail, let me just say, I have a much greater appreciation for how butchers manage to squeeze sausage into a casing and get it to look so good.

Sadly, while the bra fitting -- and acquisition -- was a great success (I totally heart you, Simone Perele!), I had no such luck with panties. Sure, lacy thongs and silky boy shorts look great -- on a hanger, or a Victoria's Secret model, both of which, when last I checked, didn't have buttocks. On me? Not so much.

And there was no way I was going Commando, a product no doubt inspired by Britney Spears, which apparently is the latest rage -- with boxes of the "invisible underwear" prominently displayed in front of the register at Linda The Bra Lady's.

Note to Her Look Enterprises: If I can see them, they are not invisible. (Her Look markets the Commando simultaneously as "invisible underwear" and "better than nothing.")

Despite a momentary underwear low, though, I consider the outing a tremendous success. (Did I mention that I am now a C-cup, albeit only in some marketing bizarro world.) I only wish Linda's also sold swimsuits.

A tempest in a D-Cup?

Maybe it's because I am a lifelong member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee (except, perhaps, when I was nursing), but I never realized what a huge problem finding a good bra -- or a good-fitting bra -- was. (Though try finding a 30B bra anywhere other than the Girls department. Trust me, you can't.)

Have you ever walked into the Ladies Lingerie or Intimate Apparel department in a department store? There are literally THOUSANDS OF BRAS, in practically every shape, style, and color (except for a 30B in nude or really any solid color). It makes me envy women with a 36C (which is apparently the preferred method of stuffing a wild bikini*).

And yet according to bra maker Wacoal (which makes one of my favorite bras), 90 million women are wearing the wrong bra. Huh?

The problem, per Wacoal and other boobologists**, a too big band and too small cups. (Which, technically, I am also guilty of -- though it's not my fault!)

But now apparently, Jockey is riding to the rescue, creating a new measurement system and line of bras designed to provide women -- with all the way up to a 50N*** -- a better fit.

To which I say, Oy. Do we women really need to deal with yet another measurement system?

Granted, the current system for figuring out one's bra size -- measuring your chest at the widest point; then measuring the rib cage, just below the breasts; with the rib cage measurement being the band size and the difference between the two measurements determining the cup size, with a one-inch difference means an A; a two-inch difference means a B; and so on -- isn't perfect. And no, it's not because women aren't good at math. It's because breasts come in different shapes and most women don't like feeling corseted.

But instead of coming up with a whole new system, or one manufacturer wreaking havoc by coming up with a new system, couldn't all you bra manufacturers just get together and decide on a single set of standards? (Ditto all you women's clothing and shoe manufacturers.)

Men's clothing, including underwear, and shoes are pretty much standardized. So why can't women's clothing and shoe and bra designers do it? (I know, I know: vanity sizing. Women have gotten much bigger, all over, but don't want to buy larger sizes.)

If you ask me, this is a tempest in a D-Cup.

*I miss Beach Party Week and The 4:30 Movie.
**Not a real word.
***OMG, 50N?!

Finally, a butt-lifting blog post

I swear to God, you can not make this stuff up (except maybe on Seinfeld). And if I thought it actually worked, I would actually buy one.

What am I talking about? Why, the Biniki ButtBra, of course.

Yes, you heard (or read) me right, ladies (and gentlemen), it's a bra for your butt.

Per the Biniki website, the Biniki ButtBra:

• Holds up the weight of the buttocks
• Smoothes out the back of the thighs
• Lifts and defines the buttock’s curvature
• Maximizes small/flat derrieres [They are so talking to me.]
• Leaves no visible line under most clothing
• Enhances the effect of form fitting clothes
• Adds comfort because of support
• Provides a put together look [Shouldn't that be a butt together look?]

And it's not just for flabby female posteriors. Oh no.

I give you... the Maniki (though I will spare you the visual, which is not pretty, IMHO), which comes in small, medium, and large. (What, no extra large?)

Having a small, flat (make that flabby) derriere, I was initially very excited to hear about this miracle product -- until I actually saw one. I don't know about all of you, but a couple of skinny bra straps ain't no way going to lift, define, and smooth this old booty. What I need are a couple of ace bandages, stat (or, perhaps, a pair of Spanx).

But (butt?) if any of you are inclined to or have tried a Biniki ButtBra or the Maniki please do let me know the results.