Friday, December 12, 2008

So what's Jennifer Aniston got that I don't got?

Besides a killer body, bodacious ta-tas, fame, fortune, and John Mayer? (Not that I care about John Mayer, at all.)

Even though it has yet to hit newsstands (on December 23), I am already sick of the former Friend's latest GQ cover, where she is shown tying one on -- or only in one tie. And you can bet whoever makes that tie will see sales go through the roof. (Peter Alexander over at MSNBC kept shouting "Where can I get that tie?!" as he was "reporting" on the Aniston cover yesterday, while trying not to drool.)

While I am sure the cover and inside spread will likewise send GQ sales (and male masturbatory activities) through the roof, it is a bane to fortysomething (and even thirtysomething) women everywhere.

We have it tough enough, guys, just trying to get your attention, without you now thinking, "Hey, if Jennifer Aniston looks that hot at 40, why can't you?"

Thanks a lot, Jennifer Aniston.

Ladies, I say we boycott "Marley & Me" this Christmas (even though that little blond lab puppy is really, really cute) -- and all Jennifer Aniston movies, until her boobs start sagging and she has the dignity to show some cellulite, love handles, and a few wrinkles, like the rest of us (who don't have personal trainers and chefs and Hollywood stylists and photographers).

UPDATED 10:05: In somewhat related news, legendary pinup girl Bettie Page has died.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Not to worry ladies. We recognize the power of the air brush.

Dave S. said...

Anonymous beat me to it. All hail the airbrush!

To answer your title's question, Ms. Aniston has one thing you don't have: clinical narcissism. Although she does appear to be ready for her closeup.

I eagerly await Tommymac's thoughts on the subject, although he may be delayed five minutes or so.

jjv said...

When she looks like that she won't have movies to boycott. Also, think about he life. One of the biggest stars and hottest women extant, snags as a husband Brad Pitt. Then has him stolen by one of the hottest women of all time. And then he starts having kids by that other woman! The other woman is in bigger movies, has an oscar, is a better actress and is better looking and has had 6 kids with the preening Pitt. Aniston is soon to be 40 with no marriage or kids in sight and her marketability diminishing. Let her have her GQ cover. Its not really read by men who actually want to sleep with women.

Dave S. said...

On the subject of John Mayer, if his performance at a show Laura and I went to long ago is any indication, we have a perfect matchup of screaming narcissists. He is clearly a very talented guitarist but took every opportunity to remind us of that. His opening act was much better - a self-deprecating acoustic guitarist who seemed annoyed/amused by Mayer (this was right before he broke out) and did a fantastic acoustic singalong version of "Living on a Prayer."

Anonymous said...

Fake boobies don't sag.

TommyMac71 said...

Oh God the pressure -- other people waiting for me to check in....

First of all. Wow! Airbrush or no, that is spectacular. Happy Birthday to me!

Second of all -- ladies, 40 is the new 30. And please don't obsess over what JA looks like. She is a freak of nature, thus her fame. I'm not nearly the shortstop Derek Jeter is, therefore he plays for the Yankees and I....blog. No big thing. He's an extraordinarily gifted person -- thus his fame.

I agree that John Mayer sucks. "Your body is a wonderland?" Come on, I could have written that on my cell phone while driving to the grocery store. My cat could have written that. He sucks.

Ripley said...

The thing I don't get about Brad Pitt is that he thought, "Y'know, she's just not quite good enough for me." Seriously???

The mind wobbles...

J. said...

I hear you, Ripley, though Angelina is mighty fine (albeit in an entirely different way). And hey, he is Brad Pitt. Maybe Jenn wasn't doing it for him in some other way(s), other than looks.

Thank you Dave S, JJV, and Anonymous, though I don't feel a whole lot better, though I may be making an appointment with the plastic surgeon... ; )

And Tommy, consider it an early birthday present -- and am looking forward to your next hit song.

jjv said...

Doh! I missed the obvious riposte to this post. "We can only answer the question when you post a similiar picture." And you think you are getting old.

J. said...

Care to lend me a tie, JJV?

Patricia said...

I just got the tie...or a reasonable facsimile.

Is there anyone out there who's really good at photoshop, and if so what are your fees?

Dave S. said...

JJV is the kind of gentleman who would hand a naked woman a tie and count it as encouraging modesty. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

J. said...

Uh huh. Sure Dave.

Patricia, I actually do know someone who could help you out. (Am trying to get him to post a comment here.) Stay tuned...

Another David S. said...

I'm pretty good at Photoshop, Patricia, but it also depends on the picture. I'd be happy to see what you've got (so to speak). You can feel free to crop off your head before you send me anything, to preserve anonymity (I'll ask for it back later). My fee would depend on how much work needs to be done, etc., which we could discuss once J. hooked us up. Just ask her for my e-mail address. Okay, J.?

Little Miss Cupcake said...

Regardless of what Jennifer Aniston "got," she will ALWAYS be remembered for getting dumped by Brad Pitt. So fame, a great body, a cool boyfriend (though I agree not the best lyricist), even maybe good acting skills (remember that one where she played the check-out girl in the dark comedy with Jake Gyllenhaal?) etc. will not be her legacy. Hollywood's a sad place but as a friend of my mom's is fond of saying, "If you can't run with the big dogs, then stay on the porch!"

PS I'm for Team Jolie in case you couldn't guess! :)