In the great Oval Office
There was a telephone
A red telephone
And a picture of
Donald Trump, a yuge picture
And there was Giuliani, Gingrich, and Christie each in a chair
And two little hands
On some guy with cotton candy hair
And a model of Trump Tower
And a buxom blonde and brunette
And a tanning bed and a comb and a brush
And Kellyanne Conway who was whispering "hush"
Goodbye Hillary
Goodbye Bill
The popular vote counted for nil
Goodbye Obama
Goodbye Obamacare
Goodbye Roe v Wade
Goodbye women's rights for another decade
Goodbye big data
Goodbye polls
Hello Breitbart
And Internet trolls
Goodbye Muslims
and Mexicans and all you non-whites
Hello walls and guns
and buttons that make BOOM in the night
Goodbye science
Goodbye reason
Welcome to the crazy season
Goodbye environment
Goodbye regulation
Be scared all you LGBT
It's open season
Goodbye tolerance
Goodbye dreams
Hello bullying and children's screams
Goodbye to hope
Hello to fear
Hope we make it
through the next four years
My friend Liz, the long-suffering mother of three curious (and adorable) little boys, posted this on Facebook yesterday, and I had to share.
[Anyone who is or was the mother of a curious boy will appreciate this.]
Dear Boys,
While I appreciate your enthusiasm for scientific experimentation and
laud your quest for empirical knowledge…we need to clarify a few things.
The toilet is not designed to determine whether small rubber animals sink or float. Especially when flushed.
The purpose of a ceiling fan is not to test your reflexes. Unanticipated outcomes are almost guaranteed.
The microwave is not a science lab. One of two things will happen, no
matter what you put in there: it will melt or it will explode. Neither
outcome will make me happy.
Love,
Mom
And speaking of microwaves and science labs... ;-)
[Alternate titles: "Let 'er rip!" "Who cut the cheese?" "Break like the wind"]
For everyone who ever wanted to know the answer to the question, Are silent farts worse? Here is the answer from the guys at Asap SCIENCE (a great YouTube Science channel):
Note to self: Stay away -- or in front of -- people who consume lots of eggs, meat, and broccoli.
Ooh, there's gonna be fireworks (Fireworks!)
On the Fourth of July (red, white, and blue!)
Red, white, and blue fireworks
Like diamonds in the sky. (diamonds in the sky!)
We're gonna shoot the entire works on fireworks
That really show, oh yeah,
We declared our liberty 200 years ago.
Yeah!
In 1776 (fireworks!)
There were fireworks too (red, white, and blue!)
The original colonists,
You know their tempers blew (They really blew!)
Like Thomas Paine once wrote:
It's only common sense (only common sense)
That if a government won't give you your basic rights
You'd better get another government.
And though some people tried to fight it,
Well, a committee was formed to write it:
Benjamin Franklin, Philip Livingston,
John Adams, Roger Sherman, Thomas Jefferson,
They got it done (Oh yes they did!)
The Declaration, uh-huh-huh,
The Declaration of Independence (Oh yeah!)
In seventeen hundred seventy six (Right on!)
The Continental Congress said that we were free (We're free!)
Said we had the right of life and liberty,
...And the pursuit of happiness!
Ooh, when England heard the news, (Kerpow!)
They blew their stack (They really blew their cool!)
But the colonies lit the fuse,
There'd be no turning back (no turnin' back!)
They'd had enough of injustice now
But even if it really hurts, oh yeah,
If you don't give us our freedom now
You're gonna see some fireworks!
And on the Fourth of July they signed it
And 56 names underlined it,
And now to honor those first 13 states,
We turn the sky into a birthday cake.
They got it done (Oh yes they did!)
The Declaration, uh-huh-huh,
The Declaration of Independence (Oh yeah!)
In seventeen hundred seventy six (Right on!)
The Continental Congress said that we were free (We're free!)
Said we had the right of life and liberty,
...And the pursuit of happiness!
We hold these truths to be self-evident,
That all men are created equal
And that they are endowed by their creator
With certain inalienable rights.
That among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
And if there's one thing that makes me happy,
Then you know that it's (ooh)
There's gonna be fireworks!
As for me and the spouse, we'll be celebrating the Fourth of July at Citi Field with this guy, the Mets' All-Star Gnome.
Because what's more American than baseball, beer... and garden gnomes dressed in baseball uniforms?
Wishing you all a happy -- and safe -- Fourth of July!
I was also amused by this Weekly World News front page, as edited by REM.
But the funniest bit I read regarding the world (as we know it) ending on 12/21/12 was this End of the World FAQ Guide from NASA. Scientists can be such apocalyptic killjoys, what with all their facts and hard science. Sheesh.
But just in case those NASA scientists are wrong, it's been fun knowing and writing for all of you. Peace.
Alternate titles: "Apps that go BOOM!" "An app only a physicist could love?"
"Want to find out how to Hunt the Higgs Boson using your phone? Ever wondered how the Large Hadron Collider experiments work, and what the collisions look like?"
If you answered "yes" to either or both questions, then have I got an app for you!
Introducing LHSee for the Android (click on the link to read the, to me, hysterical user reviews) -- a new free app for those of you who, like me, are obsessed with the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the giant particle accelerator (or as Gail Collins and I like to refer to it, the Life-Extinguishing Black-Hole Maker) located under the border of France and Switzerland*.
Not only is the new LHSee app educational, but, and I quote, "the application allows you to interact with the collision events in full 3D graphics." (I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds kind of painful.) You can also test your knowledge of physics by playing the Hunt the Higgs game!
Btw, the app is categorized under "E," for Entertainment -- or End of days, depending on your point of view. And you can find out more about how it was created here.
*For those non-physicists in the audience, I have included this helpful video which explains what the Large Hadron Collider does in rap form. Enjoy.
People always joked that the spouse would need a shotgun to keep the boys away from our daughter when she got older. Well, now she is about to become a teenager (and has discovered boys) -- and next thing I know the spouse sends me this picture (of him firing a shotgun), taken while he attended a "retreat" with fellow members of the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes Lodge No. 26 last weekend.
And no, those were not blanks he was shooting.
Despite much trepidation about shooting a gun, the spouse admitted he enjoyed the experience -- and would do it again. (No mention of what -- or whom -- the target would be next time.)
Okay, so I am "slightly obsessed" with the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world's largest particle accelerator (affectionately known as the "Big Bang Machine")....
[If you are wondering about the Jersey Shore reference, keep reading.]
And now comes word from Geneva, where the Large Hadron Collider (aka the Black Hole Maker) is located, albeit 100 meters underground, that scientists there are on the verge of a major scientific breakthrough, which, considering that they are trying to recreate the Big Bang, does not strike me as good news. Specifically, scientists are on the hunt for "hot dense matter."
[FYI: The picture above is a computer-generated graphic showing the tracks of more than 100 subatomic particles resulting from the collision of protons in the Large Hadron Collider's Compact Muon Solenoid at an energy of 7 trillion electron volts. Talkin' 'bout some "Hot Stuff"*...]
Now, I am not a scientist, but I do try to stay informed on what's going on in the world, and if scientists really wanted to find "hot dense matter," they could have saved $10 billion and just watched a couple of episodes of Jersey Shore. (Talk about a void...)
Note to CERN scientists: If you do find "hot dense matter" how about naming the new subatomic particle (that goes out with a bang) a "Snooki"?
In related news, for those of you wondering what would happen if you put your hand inside the Large Hadron Collider while it was accelerating particles, wonder no more! (Maybe.)
*Bonus points if you got the Donna Summer reference.
No, it's not the passage of the health care bill and reality TV (e.g.,The Jersey Shore). I am, of course, talking about CERN's Large Hadron Collider and topless gardening.
Let's cover the latter subject first, shall we?
Bet you didn't know that it was perfectly legal to garden without a top in Colorado, did you? And if Boulder resident Robert P. has anything to say about it, things will stay that way, so his 52-year-old wife can continue to tend to his garden in only pasties and a thong -- the neighbors be damned!
But apparently Mr. and Mrs. P.'s neighbors in Boulder think otherwise, and, as a result, the Boulder City Council is considering expanding the city's anti-nudity ordinance when it meets next month, though according to one report, young, good-looking women will still be allowed to go topless in public.
In other alarming news, this past Friday CERN's Large Hadron Collider set a new world record, accelerating proton beams to 3.5 trillion electron volts, which is more than three times the previous record for any Earth-gobbling, black-hole-making particle accelerator. (Maybe when Geneva disappears, scientists will finally see the error of their ways.)
But are CERN scientists satisfied with the Large Hadron Collider's latest feat? HA-rdly. They want the LHC to ram particles together at a crushing 7 trillion electron volts, recreating conditions when the universe was supposedly created (i.e., the Big Bang).
Now I am not a scientist (nor do I play one on TV), but I know a bit about the Big Bang theory (both the event and the TV show), and I just don't think it's a great idea to replicate the Big Bang -- the words big and bang being a big clue as to what could go wrong.
Moreover, according to a recent New York Times report, the Large Hadron Collider "is riddled with thousands of flawed electrical splices and underperforming magnets, which will require a year’s shutdown in 2012 to fix." Would that be before or after 12/21/2012, i.e., the day the world is supposed to end? Just askin'.
Oh, and have a nice day.
UPDATED: THE END JUST GOT NEARER!!! Per this report, those wild and crazy CERN scientists are going to start smashing protons together -- at a shattering 7 trillion electron volts -- next Tuesday, setting off a series of mini big bangs. On the plus side, if the LHC creates an Earth-gobbling black hole, it means I won't have to worry about writing an American Idol post next Tuesday night. ;-)
First, the good news: According to a recent report in the New York Times, the Large Hadron Collider will not be making any black holes (or anything else, apparently) any time soon.
Now the bad news: According to a recent report in the New York Times, the Large Hadron Collider will not be making any black holes (or anything else, apparently) any time soon. (Okay, the part about the Large Hadron Collider not making any black holes is not bad news, but the fact that this $9 billion hunk of particle accelerating junk -- I mean expensive metal -- is still not operational, i.e., not colliding anything, after 15 years is.)
Maybe it's just me, but does anyone else out there think replicating the Big Bang is a bad idea, especially when it has the potential to swallow up the Midwest (and the South and the North and the West of the United States, as well as Canada and Mexico, too)? Do we really need to be spending billions of dollars searching for "the God particle"?
Personally, I think the money would be much better spent creating a device that would help people find their keys and/or glasses. Or finding a cure for baldness -- the Big Bang of hair growth.
What, me worry?! You betcha. However, the very fact that you are reading this post means that the world has not been swallowed up by a globe-gobbling black hole. Yet. But that is only because CERN's Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator won't start colliding anything until next month.
As you may have already read, this morning scientists at CERN (which stands for European Organization for Nuclear Research -- it's French, OK?) switched on their newest toy, the $10 billion "Big Bang Machine," "the biggest, most expensive science machine on earth," according to reports.
As reported in an article by MSNBC science editor Alan Boyle today, "former CERN chief Luciano Maiani noted that the money spent on the project over 14 years was a mere fraction of the $40 billion that China spent for this summer's Olympic Games in Beijing. 'These are the Olympics of science," CERN spokeswoman Paola Catapano replied during a Webcast interview.'"
Well, that just makes it all better, doesn't it? No, it does not.
While I will not deny the cool factor of beaming protons around a 17-mile underground racetrack at 99.999999 percent of the speed of light and then slamming them together to recreate the Big Bang (and hopefully find the elusive Higgs boson), isn't there a better way -- make that a million better ways -- for scientists to spend $10 billion dollars than to try to blow up things?
And then there is the matter of those pesky little globe-gobbling black holes.
Per Boyle's article from September 9, CERN theoretical physicist John Ellis thinks it would be "extremely exciting if the LHC did produce black holes."
I, however, have a slightly different definition of "exciting," but let us hear what Dr. Ellis had to say.
"OK, so some people are going to say, 'Black holes? Those big things eating up stars?' [Like me!!!] No. These are microscopic, tiny little black holes. And they’re extremely unstable. They would disappear almost as soon as they were produced."
Or not.
According to one Walter Wagner, a plaintiff involved in a federal lawsuit to shut down the Large Hadron Collider, the mini-singularities (that is, black holes) produced by the Large Hadron Collider (which is located on, or really under, the border of France and Switzerland) could fall to the center of the earth, grow larger, and swallow more and more of Earth's matter until all the bloggers (and everyone and everything else, including Alaska) have been sucked into its maw.
But for now, scientists, journalists, and dignitaries over there in France (okay, Geneva, Switzerland) are sipping Champagne and sucking on each others toes, toasting to a bunch of invisible particles, pretending the end is not near. As for me, I'm off to smash me some Cheerios together in a bowl of milk.
UPDATED AT 11:00 AM: Still confused? Watch this:
Those wacky CERN scientists! To the L, to the H, to the C!
The title of this blog post is in quotes because I did not say it, my spouse did -- in response to my somewhat rhetorical questions regarding the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, which I posed to him over breakfast Friday morning.
"Why are these scientists spending BILLIONS of dollars to see a bunch of subatomic particles fly around and smash into each other?" I asked him while sucking down some Cheerios. "What is that going to get us?" To which he calmly replied, "Why do little boys want to blow up frogs?"
After more than 17 years, he finally found a way to (momentarily) shut me up. And I still don't have an answer. (Btw, if anyone reading this -- Dave S.? -- knows why little boys want to blow up frogs, please do leave a comment.)
In fact, the more I have thought about it, the more I am 99.9% certain that it never once occurred to me to blow up a frog. (Men, on the other hand, are a different story.) In fact, I would hazard that most females have not given much thought to frog demolition. But I digress.
The subject I am trying to get at (or to) is the Large Hadron Collider, which, per CERN's website (see link above): "is a particle accelerator used by physicists to study the smallest known particles – the fundamental building blocks of all things. It will revolutionise our understanding, from the minuscule world deep within atoms to the vastness of the Universe."
Apparently, I was not the only NY Times reader who was morbidly fascinated and more than slightly unsettled by (What, me worry? You betcha!) the thought of the Earth being "eaten" by a man-made black hole. My favorite NY Times columnist, Gail Collins, also read the article by her colleague, Dennis Overbye, and then wrote a column about it, which appeared on Thursday.
As I already have enough to worry about, and am quick to worry (though strangely the thought of being sucked down a black hole, along with everyone I love, doesn't worry me as much as the thought of terrorists blowing up my flight to London next week or the possibility that the 757 we are scheduled to take is one of the ones American decided not to perform a necessary safety inspection of), I wasn't going to read Ms. Collins's column. But I happened to have "Morning Joe" on as I was getting ready Thursday and who should Mr. (Joe) Scarborough have on as a guest but -- you guessed it, Gail Collins. I reached for the remote to change the channel, but it was too late. I was sucked in.
I really do hope that the folks at CERN know what they are doing and that the safety inspectors aren't the same guys responsible for making sure airplanes are safe to fly. But I would feel a lot better if instead of trying to smash together subatomic particles those European scientists would have stuck to blowing up frogs (though I quite like frogs and do not wish them harm).
[For the record, my husband, who is reading this post while standing over my shoulder, just informed me that he did, in fact, once blow up a frog. Furthermore, he suggested I find an image of a frog with a firecracker in its mouth. I looked but could not find one. I am so ashamed... for so many reasons.]
I started this blog to amuse myself, my friends, and my family. If you are not amused, just click on some other blog. You got millions to choose from. If you are amused, spread the word -- and the link! To contact me, send an email to moodyqt33 [at symbol] hotmail.com.
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