Pretty... scary

No, I'm not talking about the election, though it is pretty scary. I am talking about the current exhibits at the New York Botanical Garden. It is around 80 degrees in New York City today, and since Kiku: The Art of the Japanese Garden and Scarecrows & Pumpkins are only on display until the end of the month, I decided to take the morning off and go visit (before the weather turns cold and rainy).

Here are some of my favorite photos from today's outing.

And the finalists for 2015's sexiest Halloween costume are...

Yes, folks, it's time to put the Ho back in Halloween. And this year's crop of sexy Halloween costumes  promises to be a real treat for us sexy Halloween costume aficionados.

So, without further ado, here are my top sex -- I mean SIX -- picks for 2015's sexiest (as in, most ridiculous) Halloween costume.

First up, the corniest Halloween costume I've ever seen.

Next up, the Naughty Nemo Costume. (Just saying "Naughty Nemo Costume" makes me happy.)

There's definitely something fishy about this little outfit (like the fact that Nemo was a boy fish). Hey, you Halloween costume designers, quit clowning around!

And speaking of orange.... This sexy Womens Prison Jumpsuit Costume is practically criminal. (Orange is the new bawd?)

Dig the crazy handcuff (chastity?) belt!

I may go to Hell for posting this next costume, known as the Heavenly Hottie Nun Costume, one of MANY sexy nun costumes I found online. (Saints preserve us.)

Moving into the political realm, my next nominee for sexiest (or most preposterous) Halloween costume for 2015 is the Donna T. Rumpshaker (aka Sexy Donald Trump) Costume.

Costumes like these are making Halloween great again, my friends. (Or not.)

Unfortunately, I was unable to find a Sexy Hillary Clinton Halloween Costume. (Though I did find a lot of scary looking Hillary Halloween masks.) Sorry Bill.

But never fear, there is always the Sexy Nerd School Girl Costume....

Unfortunately, I cannot show my pick for men's sexiest (if by sexy you mean ROTFL) Halloween costume, the Heavy Hose Fireman Costume, which comes in Small, Medium (currently sold out), Large, and Extra Large. But you can always click on the link if you're burning to know what it looks like.

Happy Halloween, y'all.

2014 Worst Halloween Costumes finalists are...

Remember when Halloween was a holiday for kids, to dress up and show their (or their parents') creative side? When parents who accompanied their kids trick-or-treating would dress like warlocks and witches (with big noses and warts!), or Frankenstein and his bride, or Dracula and one of his victims -- and didn't look like hookers with their pimps out looking for tricks?

Of course, that was before Victoria's Secret and Yandy.com put the Ho in Halloween.

And things have only gone from bad to worse, as this year's crop of bad costumes illustrates.

Following are my top five picks for 2014's Worst (or Most Offensive) Halloween Costumes (all of which are currently available for purchase online).

5. The Sexy Jellyfish. Keep your distance, boys, lest she sting you! (Seriously, WTF were they thinking? There is NOTHING sexy about a jellyfish.)

4. The Spliff. Which I hear is very popular in Colorado and Washington.

3. The Sexy Unicorn. (That's one horny costume!)

2. The Ebola Nurse. (No wonder they caught the Ebola virus! That hazmat suit is more like a hazmat bikini!)

That Ebola Nurse costume is pretty bad. But the worst, or most offensive, Halloween costume may be the Ray Rice and Janay Palmer elevator costume.

Makes you want to take a slug... of whiskey.

Scary movies for intellectuals?

I know many people love scary movies. But I don't get it. Why pay to have yourself scared silly when real life is scary enough? (You want to get freaked out? Turn on your local news station. All the stabbings you want, for free!)

Also, you would think people would have learned not to go into dark, scary houses or the woods alone by now.

That is why I was delighted to find these two new scary good horror film trailers, which gently poke fun at the genre.

First up, "HELL NO: The Sensible Horror Film."



To which I say, HELL YEAH!

Next, Saturday Night Live's New Horror Trailer, "From the mind of Wes Anderson, The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders, starring Edward Norton as Owen Wilson":



I think Owen Wilson should be afraid of Edward Norton.

Halloween just got a little scarier

It is a known fact that Americans are Halloween crazy. Indeed, according to Alliance Data Retail Services, Halloween is the fourth most popular consumer holiday -- after Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter -- here in the United States. Frightening.

And check out these scary statistics: Americans are expected to spend $2.6 billion (that's billion, with a b) on Halloween costumes in 2013 -- $1.04 billion on children's costumes and a whopping $1.22 billion on adult Halloween costumes. Plus another $330 million on Halloween costumes for their pets. (I'm looking at you, dog owners).

Remarkably, those sales forecasts mark a decrease from 2012 Halloween spending. Talk about scary.

In addtion, according to the National Retail Federation, by October 31, 2013, Americans will have spent $1.96 billion on Halloween decorations. That's a lot of pumpkins, fake cobwebs, skeletons -- and feet sticking out of your trunk.

Or one very over-the-top Halloween Light Show synched to "The Fox (What does the fox say?)"



[Okay, perhaps I exaggerated. But I'm scared to see their electric bill.]

Man, am I glad I am not their neighbors. (Something I will be thankful for come Thanksgiving.) Though I will admit, that is an impressive Halloween Light Show.

So, what do you all have planned for Halloween this year?

Scooby-Dooby-Don't! Halloween ruh-rohs

Zoinks! I somehow missed the Scooby-Doo episode titled "Fred and Shaggy Make a Porno." But now you can own the costumes worn in it! Just in time for Halloween! (Though did Scooby-Doo really need a sexy Halloween makeover? I think not.)

And here I thought Scooby-Doo was a boy dog....

Apparently I was mistaken. Or maybe that's supposed to be Scooby's bitchin' girlfriend, Doo-Me?

And who knew under that oversized, bulky sweater Velma was sporting such a hot bod?

No mystery what was going on inside the Mystery Machine now!

Sigh. Is nothing sacred?

Sadly, Victoria's Secret is not the only company to put the Ho in Halloween (or vice versa).

[Btw, you can find both the "Doggy-Doo" and "Mystery Studies" costumes for sale on Amazon. You're welcome.]

Turning tricks for treats

Alternate title: Victoria's Secret: Putting the Ho in Halloween

It (somewhat) saddens me to say that one of the all-time most viewed posts on J-TWO-O is the one titled "You can't spell Halloween without Ho," about the sexification (which, technically, is not a word... yet) of Halloween and, more specifically, Victoria's Secret Halloween costumes.

While I would like to think it was my sparkling writing and wit that made the post so popular, I believe it has more to do with my screen capture of Victoria's Secret Halloween costumes. Indeed, if you Google "Victoria's Secret Halloween" or "Victoria's Secret Halloween costumes" and look under Images on the first page, my image of Victoria's Secret Halloween costumes appears right in the first row, and is ranked higher than anything on the Victoria's Secret site. (Sniff. I am so proud.)

Of course, that image is two years old, a lifetime in fashion. So, as a service to perverts and masochistic women everywhere, I decided to see what Victoria had on offer this Halloween season -- and make a new screen capture. You're welcome, world. [Click on the image to get a larger view. Then use your back button to return to the post.]

Let's see now.... So this year, it appears, Victoria's Secret is honoring our brave men and women in uniform! However, I am not sure if the Sexy Little Sailor and Sexy Little Sargeant outfits (both on sale for only $68... what, not $69?) are military issue, though I am sure they would pass inspection from Major Horndog. (God, I love blogging.)

What else... hmm... ah yes, the Sexy Little Police Officer, which comes with marabou handcuffs. Though why the Sexy Little Mobster doesn't come with a gun ("stick it up," indeed) is beyond me. I am also slightly concerned about the messages Victoria's Secret is sending via their panties. A skull and cross bones? BOO? GIMME YOUR CANDY (printed on the backside)?

Also, the whole Sexy Little French Maid thing? So cliche. (On the other hand, if Maria Shriver had worn that getup around the house, maybe Arnold would not have had sex with the actual maid.) And really, a feather duster? Whatever tickles your fancy.

As for me, I'll probably be wearing my Little Flannel Pajamas Halloween evening, which, I am happy to say, the spouse finds more than a little sexy.

Boo!

Maybe it's because, as a child, my mother often called me J. Ellen Pumpkinhead (hey, it was better than being called Flossie fat legs), but I have always loved pumpkins -- pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin lattes. And I particularly love a good, well-carved, scary-looking pumpkin. And what better place to find a crop of scary-looking pumpkins than at the New York Botanical Garden's Haunted Pumpkin Garden, which runs through October 31st (aka Halloween).

These two scary fellows were my favorites.

I also liked the spooky little mushroom pumpkins...

and the pumpkin that said pumpkin.

And what would a haunted pumpkin garden be without a scaredy cat?

I love pumpkin season!

Worst Halloween costumes?

Okay, maybe these six Halloween costumes are not the worst Halloween costumes ever, but they come pretty close.

First up, from the "Sexy Sesame Street" line, which is just plain wrong, Sexy Cookie Monster:














Also from the Sexy Sesame Street line, whose tagline should be "Turning Tricks for Treats," Sexy Big Bird:














(I drew the line at Sexy Elmo.)

Sesame not your flowering plant of choice? How about dressing up as medicinal marijuana this Halloween?






















Though dressing up as medicinal marijuana beats going trick-or-treating as a(n unused) condom wrapper...






















or a vibrator, which maybe the worst Halloween costume ever. (And yes, this is a real costume, for sale on Amazon.com.)






















Though this Borat in a mankini costume may be a close second.



















Think you know of a worse Halloween costume? Leave me a comment -- and a link.

You can't spell Halloween without Ho

I guess it was only a matter of time until Victoria's Secret (my nemesis) came out with a line of Halloween costumes. After all, as the folks at Victoria's Secret know, you can't spell Halloween without Ho. Though I think someone in merchandising confused "trick or treat" with "turning tricks."

Also, I'm guessing that these sexy little Halloween costumes were designed for gathering treats indoors (not out), if you catch my drift.

Sigh. Call me old fashioned, but I long for the days when Halloween meant putting on clothes (or sheets), not taking them off.

Btw, is it just me or does the Victoria's Secret Sexy Little Air Hostess (top row, second from left) look a lot like Britney Spears in "Toxic"?

Top Five Adult Halloween Costumes 2009

Per a press release I just received from shopping search engine Sortprice.com, the five top-selling Halloween costumes for adults for the 2009 Halloween season are (drum roll, please):

1. Vampire

2. Sexy Nurse

3. Michael Jackson

4. Star Wars

5. Sexy Santa

I have to admit, I'm kind of surprised by some of these.

The vampire thing I totally get, what with The Twilight Saga: New Moon about to come out and the Vampire Chronicles airing on TV.

And who doesn't love a sexy nurse? (Talk about your visiting nurse service. Slightly O/T: I once had a boss who dressed up as "Dr. Ben Dover" one Halloween and went around the office asking female employees if they'd like him to examine them. Ah, the good old days.)

But a sexy Santa? Really? Maybe if your idea of "sexy" is a fat guy in a red suit with too much facial hair. Or maybe they mean (a young, buff) Fabio as Santa... or that guy to the left in the photo. I'd sit on his lap any day.

Oh wait. I just looked it up and they mean sexy Santa helper. Sheesh. Talk about ho ho hos. If Santa had that kind of help, I doubt he'd ever leave the North Pole. (And Mrs. Claus would have filed for divorce years ago.)

As for Michael Jackson, I am not thrilled by the prospect of hoards of little zombie Michael Jacksons descending on my house for Halloween. Though I admit I am tickled by the idea of dumping candy into little Michael's trick-or-treat bag with the admonition "Just eat it."

Lastly, Star Wars? Still? Really? Aren't we over the whole Star Wars-Darth Vader-Imperial Stormtrooper-Chewbacca thing by now, people? Though I guess the sexy Princess Leia slave girl metal bikini costume never goes out of style.

But what's up with the sexy Amidala costume? Seriously, check out the heels on those boots and you tell me how many Sith or Imperial Stormtroopers she'd outrun or gun down in those. And I'm pretty sure in the Star Wars movies Amidala didn't bear her navel either.

Well, no matter what you dress up as, may the Force -- and good weather -- be with you this Halloween.

UPDATED 10/30/09: Oh. My. God. Et tu, TODAY Show? For those who didn't catch The TODAY Show this morning, this year's Halloween theme is/was... Star Wars. Noooooooooo. I cannot bring myself to embed the video clip here, but if you are really interested in seeing Matt Lauer as Luke Skywalker, Meredith Vieira as Princess Leia, and Al Roker as Han Solo (so wrong, all of it), here's the link to The TODAY Show's salute to Star Wars.

Really, my daughter didn't mean to dress up as Don King

She is actually supposed to be a mad scientist. But when we went to get a crazy white Albert Einstein type wig for her up at the Party Depot, she fell in the love with the crazy black* Don King special.

The funny glasses and bow tie were also her idea, as were the rubber gloves (which, as my brother-in-law noted, he does not remember Don King wearing).

Anyway, here's the damning evidence. You make the call: Don King, boxing promoter, or Mad Scientist?


































*as in hair color, people. Jeez.

Trick or treat: Which candidate or politician scares you the most?

Is it Barack Obama? John McCain? Sarah Palin? Nancy Pelosi*? Or someone else? Let me know which candidate or politician scares you the most -- and why.

Is it the exotic-looking black dude, who practically confessed to being a kindergarten communist?

Or the scary old white dude, my friends?

Is it the one from Wasilla who speaks in tongues?

Or the wench from Wellesley who the very idea of tonguing gives you nightmares?

The silver-tongued (and haired) devil whose tongue you really don't want to think about anymore?

Or the decider, whose decisions have resulted in a severe tongue lashing from his fellow Republicans?

I admit, they are a pretty scary lot, at least in Halloween mask form.

Which one scares you the most? Leave me a comment -- and tell me who scares you and why. Btw, feel free to write in your own candidate.

Have a safe and happy Halloween -- and remember to vote on November 4.

*I searched the Internet for a Nancy Pelosi mask but was unable to find one. Some might say her real face is scary enough.