The hardest 90 minutes of my life as a parent (to date)?

The hardest 90 minutes of my life as a parent (other than labor, which was the hardest 18 hours of my life)? Waiting to find out if my daughter passed her road test, to obtain her driver's license.

I think I was a bigger wreck than the teenager, who was pretty anxious and nervous. Which is why we had the spouse go with her. (His nickname, back in the day, was "the human Quaalude," for his immediate calming influence.)

The appointment, at her driving school, in a car she had taken lessons in, was for 7:45 a.m. So she and the spouse left the house at 7:20 a.m., to make sure she got there on time, which they did. However, she didn't actually start the test until 8:30. (WTF is that all about?)

Can you say nervous mother?

After pacing around the house, changing light bulbs, doing laundry, cleaning the cat boxes, wiping down ceiling fans, texting the spouse, for what seemed like an eternity, the spouse texted me at 8:50:

"Pass."

"Perfect score."

"THANK YOU JESUS," I texted back (even though we're Jewish -- though so was Jesus).

Now the teenager has to wait 48 hours. Then go to the DMV (again with the spouse) to get her actual license, which will entail waiting on another line, for at least an hour.

Then I will officially hand over the keys to my Mini Cooper and the real worrying will begin.

So, any words of advice from you fellow parents of teenage drivers? This is a whole new world for me, having grown up in Manhattan, where no one drove, at least not teenagers. And I am terrified.

UPDATED 9/26: It's official. The teenager is now licensed to drive. Got her license -- with a really nice photo! -- from the DMV this morning.

"Let's do lunch!" and other social lies

I admit it. I can be incredibly gullible, and naive.

For example, for years (and still even now, occasionally, even though I'm supposedly older and wiser) I actually believed that when someone said to me "Let's do lunch!" or "Let's grab a coffee!" or "Let's do dinner!" she (or he) meant it. And I would stupidly try to arrange a coffee, lunch, or dinner date with said person, often repeatedly, only to be blown off or stood up (every time).

What a rube I was (am).

What I didn't get, or understand, until recently, was that when people say "Let's do lunch!" etc. what they almost always mean is "I want to end this conversation -- or get away from you -- NOW, but I don't want to seem rude or impolite, or have you dislike me, so I will say something nice that will make you think I like you, so you will like me, like inviting you to have a coffee or meet for lunch, even though there is no chance in hell that I would spend an hour with you."

It's the same thing when people say "Call me!"

If they really wanted to talk to you, they would pick up a phone and call you, not ask you to call them.

At this point you are probably thinking one of two things (other than "Wow J., have you always been such a cynic?"*):

1. But, J., when I said "Let's have lunch!" I really meant it. At the time. But, you know, I have, like, a zillion things to do, and I spaced. And I didn't mean to blow you off five times. Really!

Uh huh.

Or

2. Really, it took you this long to figure it out?

I know. I am ashamed of myself.

Look, I get people are busy. And I am sure that some of you are totally sincere when you say "Let's  have lunch," etc. But if you don't really want to have lunch, or coffee, or dinner with me, or whomever, why put the invitation out there? Why not just say "Gotta go!" or "Bye"?

Maybe one of you psychologists or students of human behavior can help me out on this one. Maybe we could, you know, grab a coffee, or have lunch, to discuss it.

UPDATE 1: Of course, when I say "let's do lunch [or dinner or coffee]," I totally mean it.

UPDATE 2: "Email me" is just as bad, if not worse, than "Call me," unless the person doesn't have your email and he knows you have his. (Yes, I'm talking to you, guy on Twitter who was too effing lazy to email me his "great small business story idea.") Really bad? When someone emails you the message "call me."

*Yes.

Finally, some GOOD news!

I love Jimmy Fallon's feel-good segments on The Tonight Show. And I particularly loved this segment he ran last night titled "I've Got Good News and Good News," where he asked local NBC news anchors from around the country to read stories that would make us happy.



Thank you, Jimmy Fallon. I needed that. And I look forward to the next installment, where that guy who said he would call you, does, and we find out that brownies are, in fact, good for us.

If only local news made us happy every night.

Teaching an old broad new tricks

Every year in September, when my daughter goes back to school, I get restless. It's not that I want to go back to school (shudder), but I long to learn new things, to have my brain challenged (though perhaps not too much), and to meet new people who share my interests*. (Writing, especially writing from home, about the same thing, month after month, year after year, is lonely and mind numbing.)

So, for several years now, each fall, I have signed up for some sort of adult education class. One year it was jewelery making; another photography; last year it was drawing and bridge. While I haven't made any new friends (sadly), I have learned new skills and/or unmothballed some old ones -- and felt a wonderful sense of accomplishment.

Typically, I play it safe, picking classes I feel I will be good at, where I'll learn something but won't put too much strain on my brain. (I seriously underestimated the brain power, or memorization and rapid addition and subtraction skills, necessary to play bridge, however, even on the beginner level. Bridge is hard! Though I would love to find a friendly threesome I could play bridge with, preferably of my generation.)

This year, however, I decided to kick things up a notch -- and signed up for Pilates, advanced drawing, and beginner Italian.

Today I had my first Italian class. I really enjoyed it. The instructor is fabulous. But I was embarrassed and frustrated at how tongue-tied I was trying to speak Italian, even the simplest phrases! I was a straight A student in French and Russian! Then I remembered, Italian isn't French, and I'm not 16. (God, old age sucks.) And it's much harder to learn a new language in your 40s than it is in your teens, or even your 20s.

As for Pilates, which I started earlier this month, it's teaching my body a new language.

While I've been a gym rat most of my life, and have worked out with personal trainers, what I like about Pilates is that it combines strength training and flexibility with proper breathing and alignment and coordination (kind of like yoga) -- no deafening music that is de rigueur with spin and aerobic classes; and no flailing around in a classroom with 20 other sweaty women trying to figure out what the heck you are supposed to be doing.

I also really like working out on all the different Stott Pilates machines, many of which wouldn't look out of place in a torture chamber. (Fifty Shades of J.?) Best of all, not only is my body getting a good work out, my brain is, too.

Who says you can't teach an old broad new tricks?

Finally, to nourish my creative side, I'm taking a drawing class, the follow-up to last year's class. Hopefully, I will learn how to draw people and animals this session, two things I've never been good at. And who knows, maybe I'll make a new friend.

So, what classes are you all taking? Anything you'd recommend? (I'm dying to learn how to build furniture, but I don't have the time or patience at present, nor someone to teach me.)


*I am still looking for females to watch Giants and/or Jets games with me -- and go to Mets games with me in the spring.

Apparently "penis" is Chinese for "Swedish fish"

Did you hear about the cock up at the New Zealand candy company?

So Dutch Rusk, a New Zealand company known for its tasty variety of gummy confections, sold under the Dragon Sweets brand, gets five pallets of gummy candies from a supplier in China.

No big deal. Many companies outsource their manufacturing, even candy companies.

But in this case the Chinese manufacturer added a little something extra to each mixed bag of Dragon Sweets -- several gummy penises, which are considered good luck in China (as a sign of fertility and health).

However, many of Dutch Rusk's Dragon Sweets New Zealand customers, or rather their parents, were appalled at the thought of sucking down a phallic gummy.  (Or should that be a gummy phallus?)

And as soon as the complaints started to come, Dutch Rusk sprang into action, recalling the offending candies, apologizing to its customers, and offering them complimentary Dog Bones, Killer Pythons, Gummy Carrots, and Assorted Creams instead.

[Nothing phallic here! Move along, people.]

And now for some New Wave '80s dance music

As you all know, I have a penchant for 1980s New Wave music, especially dance music. And it's been ages since I shared some of my favorite '80s tracks. So here goes. (You're welcome.)

Earlier this week I wrote about fashion, which reminded me of the classic David Bowie song "Fashion."



Brings back memories, it does. (David Bowie's Serious Moonlight concert, to promote his album Let's Dance, was one of the best concerts I ever attended. And yes, I know, "Fashion" was on his Scary Monsters album, but he sang it at MSG.)

Next up, "Turning Japanese," sung by The Vapors. Politically incorrect, I know. But it's got a good beat and I can dance to it.



Speaking of not drinking or smoking... I give you Adam Ant's "Goody Two Shoes."



(I cannot get my brain around the fact that Adam Ant will be 60 -- 60! -- in November. Shudder.)

Another great 1980's dance track was (and is) "Don't Go" from Yazoo, or Yaz.



I am equally fond of their song "Situation."

For more great '80s New Wave hits, check out this page -- or click on the 1980s label at the end of this post.

And feel free to share your favorite '80s dance tracks in the Comments.

Leadership is overrated

What is the obsession with leadership?

While being a good leader is important, if you are the head of a company or an organization, or the head of a department or an initiative, not everyone needs to be, or should be, a leader.

But try telling, or selling, that to College Admissions.

Having good grades, good SAT or ACT, and some sort of extracurricular activity (preferably one you are very good at and have been doing consistently for years) is not enough to get into college anymore. No, you need to be a leader, or exhibit leadership qualities. (Don't believe me? Look at just about any college application, or talk to any college guidance counselor or admissions officer.)

Leadership experience is all fine and good if you are applying to be head of a company. But to expect it of a 17-year-old applying to college? Other than helping their sports team win a title, or being elected head of student government (which, we all know, is generally a popularity contest and the winners rarely actually "lead"), how many 17-year-olds, even captains of their sports teams, or debate teams, have experience being leaders, or have even had the chance or opportunity to lead?

Is it even realistic or desirable to have a world filled with only leaders? Don't too many chefs spoil the broth?

What about good followers? Aren't they important, too? After all, without followers, there are no leaders.

Has anyone ever written a college essay about being a good follower? If not, maybe someone should.

And it's not just colleges that put a premium on leadership (though as the mother of a Junior in high school, college is on my mind). It's everywhere.

Yes, being known for being a good leader is great. But what's wrong with being No. 2, or No. 22 -- or just being a good person who contributes meaningfully to something? Why do we give more weight, and more respect, to those with "Captain" or "CEO" or "Head" in their titles, regardless of the job they are doing or have done, than to the hard-working folks who actual do the work or perform acts of kindness without calling attention to themselves?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject, particularly regarding how to handle the "leadership" question when applying to colleges.