The bigger the boobs, the better the present?

A friend just emailed me this article about a controversy in the UK over this card (at right) aimed at 13-year-old girls.

For those who can't make it out, the text on the front of the card says: "You're 13 today! If you had a rich boyfriend, he'd give you diamonds and rubies. Well, maybe next year you will -- when you've bigger boobies!"

And I agree, giving a 13-year-old girl diamonds and rubies is outrageous, even if it is her birthday and you are a sheik. But the part about getting a rich boyfriend -- and better presents -- when you have bigger boobies is absolutely true.

This is yet another tempest in a D-cup. (And no, I will never get tired of using that line.)

I actually applaud the card for keeping things real. Girls with bigger boobs (who are not hideously overweight and do not have faces that would scare off little children, or rich boyfriends) do get richer boyfriends and better presents than flat-chested women (unless the flat-chested woman has an exceptionally beautiful face). If it wasn't true, plastic surgeons would be out of business. 

Indeed, I don't think the card went far enough. What it should have said was, "-- when you've bigger boobies and that acne has cleared up!"

Explaining boys to your daughter

Just like Andy Hardy, love has found J-THREE-O. Puppy love, that is. And just like Nazareth sang, love hurts. Especially when one of your supposed good friends is supposedly putting the moves on your (12.5-year-old) man. Oo oo oo, love hur-ur-urts.

Typically when my daughter is upset, I give her empathy rather than advice, as I have read and heard enough to know that when people (especially female people) are in pain what they really want is for you to acknowledge their pain not disgorge pleasant but meaningless platitudes like "It will get better, honey. Promise." (Seriously, "that sucks" works way better.)

But sometimes when female people ask for advice, they really want advice. From everyone. So they can form a consensus. Because that is what women do. Particularly when it concerns men. And here was my big opportunity to scar my daughter for life explain how men think to my impressionable adolescent daughter.

What I really wanted to do was point my daughter to the second half of this blog post on i could cry but i don't have time, which I think succinctly explains how the male brain works. But I don't think either of us is ready to have the conversation where I explain what "head" is. (I am still not over the memory of my mother explaining what 69 was when I was around 16. Shudder. Hi Mom!)

Instead, when my daughter asked why this boy who supposedly liked her would pay attention to and hang out with this other (very pretty) girl, I blamed it on the penis. (And yes, I used the word penis.) More specifically, I began to explain that men are wired to procreate and when a pretty girl shows any interest, the penis senses an opportunity and responds. Or to quote Robin Williams, "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

At this point in the conversation, my daughter, utterly mortified, cried "Mo-om!" At which point I threw up my hands and responded, "Go talk to the parent with the penis."

On the plus side, she is doing much better now -- and I have another item for my list of things to do to embarrass your teenage (or pre-teen) daughter! (And I wasn't even trying!)

How to embarrass your teenage daughter

I realize there are many ways -- intentional and unintentional -- to embarrass one's teenage or pre-teen daughter (or niece), but these are some of the most effective.

Herewith, 10 sure-fire ways to embarrass your teenage (or pre-teen) daughter:

• Post embarrassing baby (or toddler) pictures on your Facebook page or blog.

• Wear clothes much more appropriate for a woman half your age, making sure to show lots of cleavage and leg, to school events.
  

• Sit behind your daughter and her friend at a movie and lean over and provide running commentary in her ear. (Bonus points if she's with a male friend.)

• When picking up your daughter from school or an activity, be sure to call her by her childhood nickname at a volume that everyone for 50 yards can hear.

• Attempt to kiss and hug her -- making loud kissy noises (e.g., "Mwah! Mwah!") -- in public.
  

• When she's with a group of friends, utter helpful comments about some of her favorite musical groups or songs. (E.g., "Lady Gaga's 'Born this way?' Totally a ripoff of Madonna's 'Express Yourself.' Or "Do you want me to explain to you and your friends what that Rihanna song 'S&M' is about, honey?")

• When going clothes shopping with her, make sure to comment loudly about the really loud annoying music and the pictures of the nearly naked models on the walls so the whole store can hear.

• Post cutesie (or inappropriate) comments on her Facebook wall.

• Grill her new boyfriend, including asking questions like, "Do you plan on having sex with my daughter?" (This is for parents of older teens, but it can't hurt to start young.)

• Sing along with the radio in the car while driving her and her friends to activities.
  

Got a tip I didn't include? Leave me a comment. (Note: Keep it clean, people.)

Smells like tween spirit

Last Thursday was Meet the Teacher day (or hour) at my daughter's middle school, and I swear you could smell the hormones -- and pheromones.You would think these girls hadn't seen each other in 10 years, not 10 weeks. And the preening! Yikes!

And along with the additional homework that seventh grade entails has come additional demands from the resident adolescent female. Seriously, I am starting to feel like a hostage negotiator -- except I am the one being held hostage.

First up, she wants her ears pierced. (I had promised her years ago that when she turned 12 she could get her ears pierced, so I probably have to pony up on that one.) Second, she wants a new bed. And a new mattress. And a new desk and chair for her bedroom. And a new chest of drawers. (Thankfully, She Who Will Not Be Ignored said she is fine with the paint color -- lilac -- and her rug, which is also lilac.) We told her that we would accede to her wishes if or when we could sell or give away her current bedroom set, which is in excellent condition. (Though we caved and said we would take her IKEA -- just to look -- this weekend.)

NOTE: Anyone looking for a great wooden loft bed with matching fitted storage system = small chest of drawers, book shelf, and pull-out desk? Would be perfect for a child 3 - 9, male or female.

Also, she would like more iTunes. And a whole new wardrobe for fall.

On this last point, the spouse and decided to give her a prepaid debit card. So this year, she will be doing her own shopping, albeit escorted by Mom. If she blows all her money on one or two purchases, too bad. (Must. Be. Strong.) So we told her to do some research online, pick a few stores, and let me know where she wants to go shopping so I can look for coupons beforehand. (Note: We are buying her a good pair of sneakers and a good pair of shoes for day-to-day wear, and underwear, and her winter coat and boots, but the rest of it she's responsible for. And if she wants more stuff, she's going to have to babysit or pet sit for it, or wait until Hanukkah.)

And in case negotiations fail (or scientists do not quickly invent a teenager vaccine), I told the spouse to reserve a room for me at Silver Hill Hospital.

Pray for me, people.

Is there a teenager vaccine?

You know, a shot you can get that will prevent you from going insane when you come in close contact with one or more teenagers? If there is, please let me know -- and tell me where I can find it. Stat. (Personally, I think it should be offered at pharmacies, like CVS, like they do the flu shot, though the line would probably go around the block -- five times.)

Also, do you need to get a booster shot every year until your child goes off to college, or will one shot do you for five years? And are there any side effects?

Btw, for those of you saying (or thinking) "But J., don't you have at least a year until J-THREE-O becomes a teenager?" Let me just say, you clearly have not seen/been around her -- or her not-so-little adolescent friends lately. People, it is frightening what happens in middle school, especially to girls. (I will cover boys in another blog post.)

Last night, for the Middle School Spring Concert, the kid wore MY LITTLE BLACK DRESS (which looked better on her than it currently does on me) and my little black shoes. (Her feet are now the same size as mine.) And while I did not catch her primping or flirting with any boys, plenty of other girls (some of whom were dressed in low-cut and/or high-hemmed outfits) were.

I am so not going to survive high school.

Anyway, consider this an open thread or open forum on the subject of teenagers and how to cope with them. You can leave me your pearls of wisdom/sage advice in the Comments.

Oh, and for those of you who didn't know me when I was a teenager, let me just say I do not deserve what I am about to receive. I was a total goody two shoes who didn't drink, didn't smoke, and didn't get into trouble, ever. (I also made my bed and cleaned my room every day, helped with the laundry, and didn't talk back to my mama.)

Bonus Adam Ant "Goody Two Shoes" video: