New Year's Resolutions We Wish People Would Make

Instead of making New Year's resolutions for ourselves this year, how about we create a list of New Year's resolutions we wish other people would make -- and keep?

I will start off the list, but feel free to add to it via a Comment.

(Note: You do not have to have a Blogger or Gmail account or a blog to leave a comment. You can check Anonymous or just leave a Name, no URL necessary.)

Herewith, 14 New Year's Resolutions We Wish Other People Would Make -- and Keep -- for 2014 (listed in no particular order):

I resolve not to talk so loudly into my mobile phone that the guy three seats away can hear me.

I resolve to not chat on my mobile phone during movies, shows, weddings, funerals, while on the toilet, or during gynecological appointments.

I resolve not to chat on my mobile phone handset or text my friends while driving and to pay attention to the road and the drivers around me.

I resolve to play my car radio or music at a volume you can't hear three cars or even one car away.

I resolve to use my turn signal -- before making a turn.

I resolve to not drive like an a-hole and nearly run you off the road for driving at (or slightly above) the speed limit.

I resolve not to be such an a-hole (in general).

I resolve not to constantly name-check.

I resolve not to constantly brag about my kids or assume you will agree that they are the cutest/smartest/most [insert adjective here] by constantly posting sh*t about them on Facebook.

I resolve to return emails and phone calls within 24 hours.

I resolve that I will not wait until I am 15 minutes late to call or text you that I am running late.

I resolve to fact check all political statements or promises before assuming they are facts and/or mass emailing them.

I resolve not to forward spammy chain or "good luck" emails to my friends and family members.

I resolve not to make promises, commitments, or resolutions I can't keep.

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2014!

The Good Things Jar Challenge

I am not into making New Year's resolutions, but at the end of last year, the teenager and I decided that we could use a bit of an attitude adjustment -- to focus on all the good things that happen to us instead of harping (and obsessing) on the bad. No easy task for a teenage girl and a jaded middle-aged woman.

So on New Year's Day we created the Good Things Jar (technically the Good Things Rubbermaid Container, but "Jar" had a better ring to it).

As you can see, the Good Things Jar is currently empty (though the teenager found out last night that she got a 97 on her end-of-year Math test, so that will go into the jar later).

The goal: to fill the jar -- maybe even create a second jar! -- by the end of 2013. Not an easy task for two people whose philosophy is "hope for the best, expect the worst," though the teenager used to be way more positive before her hormones and high school kicked in. Still, I think it is possible for each of us, certainly her, to find one really good thing to note and write down each day. That said, things like "found a good parking spot," "school didn't totally suck," "I didn't burn dinner," and "had a good hair day" don't count. Items that go into the Good Things Jar have to be true accomplishments or good deeds. But that just adds to the challenge, in a good way.

Will give you a progress report over the summer and again at the end of the year.

In the meantime, wish us luck!

BONUS MUSIC VIDEO OF DEVO PERFORMING "THAT'S GOOD"!

Jewish New Year's Resolutions

In honor of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, I offer up the following New Year's Resolutions. (Note: Any resemblance to real Jewish persons is entirely a coincidence.)

• I will not brag about my son... the doctor... who graduated from Harvard, with honors, and was just listed by some big important magazine as one of the best doctors in [insert name of city here]. (And did I mention he and his lovely wife just bought a lovely new house and are about to give me my first grandson?) 

• I promise to have sex with my husband, that is, if he can tear himself away from that blonde shiksa he hired. (I have no idea what he sees in her. Also, her boobs? Totally fake.) And would it kill him to get his back waxed?

• I will not brag about my new car (a Maybach, only cost me $425,000). 

• I will not nag my children about calling me more often, though would it kill you to pick up a phone once in a while? (Email, shmemail. Feh.) 

• I will keep my mouth closed about my daughter, who insists on living in sin with that no-good deadbeat. Would it kill him to get a real job? And what's with the earring? 

• I will not brag to all my friends about my grandchildren... though, did I mention, my granddaughter was just accepted at Harvard, Yale, Stanford, and Princeton?  

• I will listen to my wife complain without rolling my eyes.

• I will not post embarrassing pictures of my children/grandchildren on their Facebook pages. (Bar and bat mitzvah photos from the 1970s and 1980s don't count, do they?)

• This year, I will lose 20 pounds. Now would you be a dear and pass me more noodle kugel? 

• I will not pass judgment upon others. (Though did you see [insert name here]'s house? It's like animals live there. Disgusting. And did you see what she wore to the club the other night? What does she think she is, 25? And him! Running around with that woman. Shameful.)

L'shanah tovah!

New year's resolutions... for other people

Forget making resolutions for yourself -- when it's so much easier to tell other people what they should resolve to do!

Herewith, presented in no particular order, six resolutions we wish other people would make -- and keep -- and why there's a snowball's chance in Hell they'll keep them. (FWIW, I am totally guilty of making and breaking some of these resolutions.)

For the woman who needs to shed a few pounds...

Resolution: I will go on a diet -- and stop bitching about needing to lose [insert number] pounds.

Reality check: Who am I kidding? We all know it's much more fun to bitch about being overweight and be mean to skinny people (especially those who had the willpower to go on a diet and keep the weight off) than go on a diet. But maybe if I keep saying "I'm going on a diet" the pounds will magically come off.

For those 40 and over, especially those whose doctor (and spouse) has been nagging them to take better care of themselves...

Resolution: I will exercise [regularly/more].

Reality check: Right, like that's going to happen. Last year I joined a gym -- and only went there to use the showers when we lost power. Let's face it, exercise isn't fun. And who wants to work out at a gym where everyone can see your flabby arms and muffin top and you have to pay money for the privilege? No thank you. Sure, I could walk or run, but that's soooo boring. My idea of exercise? Shopping/Watching sports.

For proud (i.e., annoying) parents...

Resolution: I will stop bragging about my kids.

Reality check: Phhhht. Of course I'm going to brag, when I know my kids truly are the cutest/smartest/most talented ones, which is totally a reflection of my great parenting. Also, they are always doing the most precious/unbelievable/adorable thing that I am sure everyone would want to know about. And they get straight As (or would if they didn't have such mean teachers), and are amazing at [insert sport and/or musical instrument and/or singing, acting, or art], and are always winning some award, making them fabulous role models. But I don't want to make other parents feel worse than they already must feel, so I will stop constantly bragging about my kids. Yeah right.

For the unhappily employed...

Resolution: I will look for a new job -- and stop bitching about my current one.

Reality check: Even though I hate my job, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know, right? And what if I hate my new job or they fire me? Where will I be then? And looking for a new job is so exhausting -- what with having to update my resume, and write cover letters, and network. Nope. I'm just going to stay at my current hell hole, and continue to whine, and wait for some fabulous new, great-paying gig to magically find me.

For children...

Resolution: I will clean my room.

Reality check: Hahahaha. Like that's ever going to happen. What are you going to do, mom, kick me out if I don't? As if. It's my room. Why do you care if it's messy?

For Facebook users...

Resolution: I will stop posting my every thought/my whereabouts/hundreds of pictures/my Farmville [or insert name of game] scores on Facebook.

Reality check: But how else can I convince myself and you that my life is way better than yours? Isn't that what Facebook is for? You don't like what I write? Don't read it, or hide my feed. I'm just expressing myself. Freedom of speech. Btw, hundreds of people think I am fascinating.

Want to add to the list? Go for it -- via the Comments.

10 Can't Miss New Year's Resolutions

Admit it, every year you come up with a bunch of well-meaning New Year's resolutions that you know you're not going to keep, but you make them anyway. So this year, why not make some resolutions you might actually keep?

Presenting... 10 Can't Miss New Year's Resolutions!

1. I resolve to get up in the morning. Or at least try to.

2. I resolve to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Unless Conan or Jimmy Kimmel or Jon Stewart has on someone really good.

3. I resolve to exercise. Once in a while.

4. I resolve to eat healthier. Starting next week. Or the week after.

5. I resolve not to complain between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7 a.m.

6. I resolve to be nicer to people. When they are not pissing me off.

7. I resolve to do that thing I've been meaning to do. When I get around to it.

8. I resolve to spend less time on the computer and more time with people. On the computer.

9. I resolve to not be envious of all the cool stuff other people have. Just as soon as I get all that cool stuff.

10. I resolve to stop making New Year's resolutions. At least ones I know I'm not going to keep.

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2011!

The Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Men and for Women

Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus, but they are equally likely to make New Year's Resolutions they are unable or unlikely to keep. Herewith, the Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Men, followed by the Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Women.

Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Men

1. I will drink less beer.
2. I will watch less football [or basketball or baseball or NASCAR].
3. I will want less sex and will cuddle more with my wife/girlfriend.
4. I will watch less porn.
5. I will watch what she wants to watch.
6. I will go to the gym [more].
7. I will lose weight and endeavor to burp, fart, and snore less.
8. I will not tell my wife/girlfriend she looks fat in those jeans.
9. I will not look at other women [even the really hot ones in those skimpy bikinis as they smear each other or themselves all over with sunblock].
10. I will spend less time with the guys [or at work] and more time with my mate [and her family].

Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Women

1. I will stop obsessing about my weight.
2. I will stop obsessing about my kid(s)/job.
3. I will stop obsessing about how much more money everyone else makes.
4. I will stop obsessing about my boobs/ass/abs.
5. I will stop nagging my husband/boyfriend.
6. I will have more sex (and like it and not complain about it).
7. I will watch more sports.
8. I will go see more action movies.
9. I will stop complaining about [insert whatever here].
10. I will stop making New Year's Resolutions [especially ones I know I won't keep].

Got a New Year's resolution you'd like to share? Leave me a Comment.