The Pros and Cons of Being a Princess

The other day, while watching the endless run-up to the Royal Wedding of Catherine Elizabeth Middleton to His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis, my daughter wondered what it must be like to be a princess -- and if there was any downside.

So after giving it a bit of thought, and in honor of the new Princess Catherine, Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge, who looked absolutely stunning in that Princess Grace of Monaco-inspired Sarah Burton gown and her grandmother-in-law's tiara (also loved the little pages in their red uniforms and totally want the dress Kate's sister/maid of honor, Philippa Middleton, was wearing -- gorgeous), I present to you the pros and cons of being a modern-day princess.

Pros	Cons
You get a prince!	That prince of a guy doesn’t do laundry or cook or change diapers. (Though on the pro side, you have servants!)
You get to live in a palace!	You think your in-laws are dysfunctional…
You get to meet all sorts of fascinating people!	You have to spend hours politely listening to all sorts of odious, boring, and pompous people.
You get to travel the world!	You constantly have to accompany your husband on business trips.
You get to stay at luxury resorts and homes wherever you go!	[Uh… uh… bedbugs? Frankly, can’t think of a downside to this one.]
You get to wear beautiful clothes and shoes, from all the best designers, who make stuff just for you -- and you get to wear a tiara!	Every woman and fashion magazine in the world is eagerly waiting for you to make a fashion faux pas – and constantly commenting on your weight.
Your picture appears in all the chic magazines!	Your picture appears in every tabloid and rag – and oh the paparazzi!

As per usual, feel free to add to either list via the comments.

And they all lived happily ever after... ?

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The pros and cons of spring

Yesterday was a beautiful day here in Stepford (not my town's real name) -- 75 degrees and sunny! And as I sat at my computer in my t-shirt, clam diggers, and flip-flops looking out at all of the beautiful budding trees, I thought of all the reasons I love spring. Which, of course, immediately led me to think about all of the things I don't like about spring. (Hey, I gotta be me!)

So, herewith, my list of the Pros and Cons of Spring:

Pros	Cons
Warm weather outside!	I’m stuck inside, working.
Flowers and trees blooming everywhere!	Bugs everywhere
I have a lawn again!	That lawn isn’t going to mow itself.
Birds singing!	Effing birds chirping like an alarm clock at 5 a.m.
Hello shorts and t-shirts!	Hello stretch marks, cellulite, flabby bits
Baseball!	I’ll be lucky if my team breaks .500
Better mileage!	Higher gas prices + more driving
Cute furry animals frolicking on my lawn!	Tics + animal poop

Feel free to add your own Pros and Cons via the Comments. And enjoy the warm weather!

(Wonder how long it will take Dave S. to say "Seasonal allergies"...)

Another '80s music flashback blog post

All these flashbacks to Prince Charles and Lady Diana's wedding and videos of the royal couple with a little Prince William have gotten me thinking about the 1980s again, particularly the music I listened to back then (which, if you follow this blog, was a lot of British New Wave and techno pop). My favorite radio station? WLIR, 92.7. And these were some of my favorite bands and singers (all of which, I believe, were British or Scottish... hmm...).

First up, Thomas Dolby, whose song "Europa and the Pirate Twins" made me a huge Thomas Dolby fan...



I was also a big fan of the Eurythmics. Interestingly, I was driving with my daughter the other day and "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" was on the radio and she wanted to know who this cool new band was (I am paraphrasing). Proof that everything old or 1980s is new again.



And look what I just stumbled on on YouTube, Blancmange's "Living on the Ceiling"! I'm so small, I'm so small...



Which led me to Bananarama's "Really Saying Something."



Which led me to.... I could go on and on, but I think that's enough 1980s music for one blog post. If you want to see and hear more, check out my other 1980s music posts (by clicking on the link). And as always, please share some of your favorite 1980s musical memories in the Comments.

Seriously, what did we do before YouTube? (Also, I miss my MTV -- the MTV that used to only play music videos not show these crappy "reality" shows.)

Protecting the crown jewels (royal prophalactics)

I'm not sure whether to be amused or appalled by Crown Jewels' new condoms commemorating the upcoming nuptials of Prince William and Catherine Middleton -- but you gotta admit the box is pretty funny.

"Lavishly Lubed." "Regally Ribbed." And the slogans are also pretty funny: "Like a royal wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion." And "Lie back and think of England." Though I think they should have added "Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction: When You Want to Be Royally Screwed."

And if the makers of Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction are looking to do a little cross-promotion, I highly recommend they hook up with the maker of Royal Virility Performance beer. Made with chocolate, Viagra (I kid you not), and "a healthy dose of sarcasm," it is but one of several dozen of the more, um, stimulating, products commemorating the April 29 wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton. Sadly, it is only available in the UK.

[Question: How many of you are planning on watching the royal wedding on Friday, either live or videotaped? I'm not a big Anglophile or royal watcher but I am a big fan of wedding cake and Champagne and was invited to a party where they will be serving both while showing the wedding.]

American Idol Top 7 sing songs from the 21st century

I wasn't going to watch American Idol tonight but couldn't find anything better to watch. (Not a Survivor fan, though rats! I forgot about Minute to Win It.) Seriously, the commercials for glee are more exciting than Idol.

Scotty McCreery. Yawn. I'm with Jennifer Lopez and Randy Jackson, "Swingin'" was safe bordering on boring. If Scotty the baseball player was swingin', he struck out. I give Scotty McCreery a B.

James Durbin. That. Was. Awesome. I'm not a big James Durbin fan, but his performance of Muse's "Uprising" was as good as the original. I'm with J. Lo and Randy, he killed it. Best performance of the night -- possibly of American Idol Season 10. My grade for James Durbin: A

Haley Reinhart. Even before her song choice was revealed, I knew Haley was going to sing Adele's "Rolling in the Deep." It was a no-brainer. Their voices are very similar, though Haley's version didn't sound as polished as Adele's, though I'm sure the iTunes version will sound better. I don't think Adele has anything to worry about, but a solid performance from Haley. I give Haley Reinhart an A-/B+ tonight.

Jacob Lusk. I'm already bored, and he hasn't even started singing. Nothing against Luther Vandross but "Dance with My Father" is soooo schlocky. (And before y'all get on my ass about being hard-hearted, my father died way before his time, eight years ago, and I didn't wallow in schlocky songs.) I think Jacob has a good voice, but he has to prove to me that he's more than a lounge/karaoke/cruise ship/wedding singer. (Did I leave anything out, VB?) If he makes it to next week, I'm with Randy: Jacob needs to bring it. My grade for Jacob Lusk: B

Casey Abrams. Like Maroon 5's "Harder to Breathe." And not a bad song choice for Casey. But it's almost like he's focusing so hard on the words that everything else is suffering. Not Casey's best performance. Feel like I'm watching a high school talent show -- and sorry to say, Casey would not be the winner. But what do I know? Seriously, what are the judges going nuts about? Is it so loud over there that they couldn't actually hear Casey? And does People's Most Beautiful Woman have a crush on Casey? Oy. Judges be damned, I give Casey Abrams a B/B-.

Seriously, it is a sad day when the ads are more entertaining than the show. Loved that ad for the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. And those new Capital One Venture Card ads with Alec Baldwin are pretty funny too. (And pretty persuasive. I recently got one, though it had nothing to do with vikings or Alec Baldwin and everything to do with no foreign transaction fees and 10,000 free points.)

Stefano Langone. If there is ANY justice, Stefano will be long gone by next week's show. But as we all know justice is blind. And apparently deaf. (But okay that segment on Stefano being a real big flirt was pretty funny. Sadly it was probably way more entertaining than his musical performance will be.) Oy en -- which is Ne-Yo spelled backwards. While "Come Closer" is one of Stefano's better performances and way more spirited than most of what we've seen tonight (a positive), I am still not a fan, though I bet anything Stefano will be safe again. Ack. My grade for Stefano Langone: B

Lauren Alaina. Okay, ENOUGH with the staircase fall already. Sheesh. Move on, people. So, Sara Evans' "Born to Fly"... not familiar with it. And didn't suspect Lauren had a fear of failure. Interesting. And here I thought she was a diva in training. [Listening...] I think Jimmy Iovine jinxed her. Not a bad performance but nothing special -- and will not bring down the house. Definitely not the best performance of the night, but hopefully Lauren will be safe -- and will shake the Iovine Curse. I give Lauren Alaina a B. And totally agree with Steven Tyler than Lauren should sing some Allison Kraus or Shania Twain.

Am a Scotty McCreery fan but think he may be in trouble this week. Actually, I think everyone except James and Stefano could be in big trouble. And will be PISSED if Lauren goes home. It was the same kind of constructive criticism that heralded Pia Toscano getting voted off. Just sayin'.

Okay, J-TWO-O. Back tomorrow with the results.

UPDATED 4/21/11: I thought for sure Jacob Lusk was going home tonight when he was in the bottom two, but it's Stefano Langone. And the irony (?) is last night was one of his better performances. Arrivederci Italian Stallion.

Explaining boys to your daughter

Just like Andy Hardy, love has found J-THREE-O. Puppy love, that is. And just like Nazareth sang, love hurts. Especially when one of your supposed good friends is supposedly putting the moves on your (12.5-year-old) man. Oo oo oo, love hur-ur-urts.

Typically when my daughter is upset, I give her empathy rather than advice, as I have read and heard enough to know that when people (especially female people) are in pain what they really want is for you to acknowledge their pain not disgorge pleasant but meaningless platitudes like "It will get better, honey. Promise." (Seriously, "that sucks" works way better.)

But sometimes when female people ask for advice, they really want advice. From everyone. So they can form a consensus. Because that is what women do. Particularly when it concerns men. And here was my big opportunity to scar my daughter for life explain how men think to my impressionable adolescent daughter.

What I really wanted to do was point my daughter to the second half of this blog post on i could cry but i don't have time, which I think succinctly explains how the male brain works. But I don't think either of us is ready to have the conversation where I explain what "head" is. (I am still not over the memory of my mother explaining what 69 was when I was around 16. Shudder. Hi Mom!)

Instead, when my daughter asked why this boy who supposedly liked her would pay attention to and hang out with this other (very pretty) girl, I blamed it on the penis. (And yes, I used the word penis.) More specifically, I began to explain that men are wired to procreate and when a pretty girl shows any interest, the penis senses an opportunity and responds. Or to quote Robin Williams, "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

At this point in the conversation, my daughter, utterly mortified, cried "Mo-om!" At which point I threw up my hands and responded, "Go talk to the parent with the penis."

On the plus side, she is doing much better now -- and I have another item for my list of things to do to embarrass your teenage (or pre-teen) daughter! (And I wasn't even trying!)

The Midnight Tweet of Paul Revere

In honor of Patriots' Day (which is today), I give you "The Midnight Tweet of Paul Revere," a modern take on Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's "The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere," had, you know, Longfellow had a Twitter account -- or had Paul Revere had Twitter (like the Department of Homeland Security) instead of horses and lanterns to alert the Colonists that the British were coming.



Note: "The Midnight Tweet of Paul Revere" was conceived and acted by a good friend of my daughter's (with some help from her dad and a friend). And my tricorn is off to them for doing a most excellent job. Also, if you like the video, please share it on Facebook and Twitter. Thank you.