What life would be like if the Brits had won?

If the British won the Revolutionary War (aka the American War of Independence)...

Would Thomas' English Muffins just be crumpets?

Would we go to the loo and take the lift?

Would we be eating bangers and mash instead of hot dogs and fries?

Would we be playing cricket and football instead of baseball and, um, football?

And when our team lost, would we shout "Bloody hell!" or "Bollocks!'?

Would ass have an r (arse), and words like color, flavor, and neighbor a u?

Would we find Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Benny Hill funny?

Would we be celebrating Guy Fawkes Day instead of Independence Day (July the Fourth)?

With more thoughts on the subject, I give you English writer, actor, and comedian Stephen Merchant.



Wishing you a jolly good Fourth.

Cheerio.

Are the Brits faking it?

Everyone knows that a British accent is way cooler than an American one -- especially the Brits. Which is why I have become increasingly suspicious that the British may be faking it.

Sure, roll your eyes and mock me all you like. But think about it.

Do British musicians -- The Beatles, One Direction, Adele -- sing with a British accent? No. They all sing like Americans.

And just look at how many Brits play Americans on American television and in Hollywood movies! Andrew Garfield, Hugh Laurie, Damian Lewis, Matthew Goode. Bet you didn't even know they were British! And you know why? Because they speak without the slightest trace of a British accent!

And you know why they sound like Americans? Because that so-called "British accent" is totally fake! A ploy to seduce us insecure Americans, or at least our women, and take back the Colonies by stealth! (For chrissake, they hired a Brit to play beloved American action hero Spider-Man! Need I say more?)

There is a reason why bad guys speak with a British accent. (Jag-U-ar, my arse.)

Also, I am beginning to have doubts about the French.

Guard your teen girls! The British are coming!

Too late. They are already here. In the form of the British boy band One Direction, who just became the first UK pop group to debut at number one on Billboard's U.S. album chart. (The previous highest UK entry, at #6? The Spice Girls. So much for The Beatles and The Who -- to which my 13-year-old would say, "Who?" Sigh.)

My daughter, the aforementioned 13-year-old, has actually been a fan of One Direction for quite some time now, having heard them on her Internet radio months ago (streamed from some London station). But I only recently heard the Simon Cowell-created UK boy band (hey, hey, we're the Monkees), when they performed on The TODAY Show. (You want to talk March Madness? Check out that link -- and the THOUSANDS of screaming adolescent females who played hooky from school to see those mop tops.)

For those of you who haven't heard of One Direction, here are two of their more popular songs, "What Makes You Beautiful"...



and "One Thing" (a knowing wink to that other fabricated boy band, the Monkees)...



I actually like both songs, in a oh-look-another-boy-band-and-they're-British-how-cute kind of way.

Btw, One Direction's videos have received over 204 million views on YouTube, and their debut album, Up All Night, sold 176,000 copies in its first week. (Simon Cowell is laughing all the way to the bank.)

Any thoughts on the UK's latest export? Leave a comment.

Protecting the crown jewels (royal prophalactics)

I'm not sure whether to be amused or appalled by Crown Jewels' new condoms commemorating the upcoming nuptials of Prince William and Catherine Middleton -- but you gotta admit the box is pretty funny.

"Lavishly Lubed." "Regally Ribbed." And the slogans are also pretty funny: "Like a royal wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion." And "Lie back and think of England." Though I think they should have added "Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction: When You Want to Be Royally Screwed."

And if the makers of Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction are looking to do a little cross-promotion, I highly recommend they hook up with the maker of Royal Virility Performance beer. Made with chocolate, Viagra (I kid you not), and "a healthy dose of sarcasm," it is but one of several dozen of the more, um, stimulating, products commemorating the April 29 wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton. Sadly, it is only available in the UK.

[Question: How many of you are planning on watching the royal wedding on Friday, either live or videotaped? I'm not a big Anglophile or royal watcher but I am a big fan of wedding cake and Champagne and was invited to a party where they will be serving both while showing the wedding.]

Exclusive sneak peak at Will and Kate's royal wedding!

For those of you who can't or won't be getting up at 4 a.m. EST on Friday, April 29, to witness the nuptials between Prince William and Catherine Middleton, here is a sneak peak of the wedding ceremony:



I say, jolly good show!