American Idol Season 9: The so-called "Top 10" singers

Last week I had lunch with a friend, and the topic of American Idol came up. Like so many of my readers and people I know, she has been greatly disappointed by Season 9 of American Idol, and we spent close to half an hour debating whether Season 9 just sucked or if it was the suckiest season of American Idol ever. (The verdict is still out -- and will be until we see who makes it into the Top 5 -- though as of this writing "suckiest season ever" is in the lead.)

"Why don't the judges just pick the songs for them?" she opined. Which is an excellent question -- and why Simon Cowell's wildly successful UK singing competition, The X Factor, should do much better than Idol when it debuts on this side of the Pond in 2011.

But getting back to tonight's American Idol, featuring the euphemistically named Top 10 contestants... is Usher, like Miley Cyrus, really that hard up for money and/or fame? Really? (Apparently, according to this New York Times article, he is, sort of.) Has American Idol become this decade's American Bandstand, helping stars re-launch their careers?

Getting back to the contestants, I think most of the "Top" 10 will do better ("better" being a relative term) job tonight with R&B (which stands for "Rhythm and Blues," not "Retch and Barf," at least at this point) than they did with Billboard #1s. Seriously, it couldn't get much worse. Though Tim Urban hasn't sung yet.

Btw, I'm watching tonight's R&B performances through the magic of TiVo (due to a family obligation). On the plus side, if tonight's performances suck, I will have wasted less than an hour instead of two. On the down side, I'm going to be even crankier tomorrow morning for having stayed up late.

Now on with the show...

Siobhan Magnus: I love Siobhan, but WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE CLOWN GLASSES?! I haven't seen glasses that big since the 1980s. Also, why are the stylists treating Siobhan (particularly her hair) as though she were American Idol Barbie? (Btw, I'm pretty sure I saw that outfit on the original Star Trek.) But getting back to her song choice, "Through the Fire," I'm sorry to say she got seriously burned by that song. And OMG can we please put an end to "that scream"?! Siobhan should live to see another week (more), and even if America doesn't give her the votes, the judges will save her. The grade for Siobhan Magnus: C+

Casey James: Yeah, Casey has a tool... and a guitar. And he knows how to use both of them. (You know what I'm talkin' bout, Kara.) And "Hold On," the boy can also sing, though his performance could still use some work (too stiff). While I found all the smiling a bit disconcerting, the boy can play and like Simon said, it was Casey's best week so far. The grade for Casey James (aka "Hawt Boy"): A-

Michael Lynche: I don't know if I'd consider "Ready for Love" R&B, but whatever. Michael Lynche has a nice voice, but this song -- and performance -- are doing nothing for me. I can't decide if he's sleepwalking through the song or shouting it. In either case, not my favorite Michael Lynche performance, and I think Big Mike's become rather boring (as one of my commenters noted), despite what the judges have to say. (Thank GOD Kara didn't have another breakdown.) The grade for Michael Lynche: B-

Didi Benami: While I think Didi's better, I keep being reminded of Megan Joy from last season every time I hear/see her, and not in a good way. "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted"? I think we may find out tomorrow, when Didi is in the bottom three -- and quite possibly voted off. Not good, dawg. Another pitchy performance, and I just didn't connect with her or the song. Also, seriously, American Idol needs new/different stylists, at least for the female contestants. Didi looked like a sausage stuffed into a sequined casing. The grade for Didi Benami: C

[Slightly O/T: Anyone know how much Kris Allen makes from those Ford commercials?]

Tim Urban [aka "Teflon Tim"]: Let's just get this out of the way, shall we: If Tim Urban looked like a troll, he would have been gone WEEKS ago. But thanks to the "Sweet Love" of thousands of teenage girls, this Jonas Brother wannabe is in the Top 10. Ugh. I can barely stand to listen to him, even though he is not the worst singer to ever grace the American Idol stage, and at least you feel he is actually trying (unlike, say, Sanjaya). Still, if there is any justice, Tim will go away after tomorrow (PLEEEEEEEAAAASE). The grade for Tim Urban: D+

Andrew Garcia: It feels like "Forever" since Andrew Garcia sang Paula Abdul's "Straight Up" doesn't it? And things have only gone downhill for Andrew since then. And tonight's performance, while better than some recent weeks, was to use a Simon-ism, "utterly forgettable," despite what Randy and the rest of the judges just said. Yeah, it wasn't bad, but it was like something you'd hear in your dentist's office. The grade for Andrew Garcia: B

Katie Stevens: "Chain of Fools" is a great song. It could also be used to describe most of this season's American Idol contestants. As for Katie's performance... sigh. What can I say, other than "pitchy"? I still think Katie has a great voice -- good tone and power -- but hasn't learned how to control and really use it, and this performance was OK, albeit too High School Talent Show. As the judges have noted before, I think Katie doesn't know who she is, as an artist, and that's hurting her. The grade for Katie Stevens: B

Lee Dewyze: Walking pneumonia? Not good, especially as Lee doesn't have a lot of energy on stage to begin with. But man, I do love Lee's voice. "Treat Her Like a Lady" was a solid song choice, and he is definitely connecting better with the audience -- or at least the cameras -- tonight. (You all know I'm pulling for Lee, right? But I can still be tough.) I'm with Randy: "That was the bomb. Best performance in weeks" -- and, like Ellen said, "Best performance of the night," at least so far. The grade for Lee Dewyze: A- (Go Lee!)

Crystal Bowersox: I love contestants who can actually play an instrument as well as sing -- and major props to Crystal for playing an instrument (the piano) she hasn't played in years. That takes guts. And, woohoo, that girl can blow! I was right on "That Midnight Train to Georgia" with Crystal. Another great performance (as Randy also said). The grade for Crystal Bowersox: A-

Aaron Kelly: "There Will Be No Sunshine" if Aaron is voted off this week. Yeah, he's not my favorite, but the kid can sing -- way better than Teflon Tim Urban (though he's nowhere near as cute). Another solid performance from Aaron, though not his best. The grade for Aaron Kelly: B+

That's it for tonight, kids. Back tomorrow with the results.

J-TWO-O out.

UPDATED: Teflon Tim Urban lives to sing another week (sadly); Didi Benami does not. And then there were nine...

Why is this post different from all other posts? (A Passover primer)

Seder-masochists rejoice! Your time has come. For tonight at sundown marks the beginning of Passover, a holy week where Jews gather together in a relative or friend's home each night to commemorate the Hebrews' exodus out of Egypt (or Connecticut), where they were slaves under Pharaoh (or the PTA).

Like all Jewish holidays, food and kvetching* play an extremely important role in Passover. And nowhere is this more evident than at the Passover Seder, a ritual Jewish feast where Jews gather to dine and whine (often after schlepping from miles away -- hence the term "Seder-masochist," meaning one who schleps from miles away, often in horrible weather and traffic, in order to tell their family about it over bad kosher wine).

To better explain the Passover Seder (which some of you may be more familiar with as The Last Supper), I have embedded this handy (and humorous) video, titled "The Passover Seder Symbols Song." (FYI, you don't have to be Jewish to find it funny, though it doesn't hurt.)



But wait, there's more! Thanks to my mother-in-law, who sent me the link to this video, you can now learn "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Matzo But Were Afraid to Ask," with America's favorite domestic shiksa, Martha Stewart!



(What, you don't immediately think "Martha Stewart" when you think "Passover Seder" and/or "matzo"?)

*Btw, kvetching isn't just for Jews anymore -- or the Jewish holidays. Now you can let the whole world know what is pissing you off, 24/7, thanks to Kvetch.com (and Twitter).

Wishing you a Happy (and Peaceful) Passover...

Who the heck is Justin Bieber?!

And how did this tweeb (which is a cross between a teen and a dweeb) manage to sell out Madison Square Garden and be one of the most tweeted topics on Twitter for MONTHS now?!

And before you start calling me an old fart, let us recall that I have, on these very cyber pages, confessed my love for Britney Spears and Lady Gaga (their music, at least some of it, not them). I even have a Miley Cyrus song on my iPod.

But Justin Bieber?! Seriously, what do girls see (and, more importantly, hear) in this dude (who, I first thought, was a dudette)? I just don't get it. Btw, neither does my tween daughter, who begged me to write this blog post. Though she also told me to include Justin Bieber's video for "Baby," featuring Ludacris.



All I can say is Justin Bieber is no Davy Jones...


THE MONKEES - DAYDREAM BELIEVER

Lips like sugar

Literally.

Unbeknownst to me, that is, until the kid put on WBLI in the car this morning, you can, indeed, have lips like sugar, sugar kisses -- or sugar cookies, as well as chocolate peanut butter cookies, chocolate brownies, and strawberry or chocolate frosting -- thanks to Betty Crocker lip balms.

And if the taste of sugar cookies isn't your thing, there are a cabinet full of sugar cereal lip balms to smack your lips on.

Want to make your lips magically delicious? No problem. Just smear a little Lucky Charms Lip Balm on them. (There are also Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry lip balms, as well as Cocoa Puffs and Trix, which apparently is not just for kids.)

You can also have lips like buttered popcorn or Cheetos (the latter my daughter INSISTED we buy her a while back), but seriously? Ew.

Call me old-fashioned, but what was wrong with plain old ChapStick...



or just smearing some Vaseline on your lips? (Both of which I still do, for the record -- and I think my lips look and feel just fine, thank you.)

What do you think about all these fancy flavored lip balms? Would you wear one? Do you wear one? Leave me a Comment, below.

Bonus Echo & The Bunnymen "Lips Like Sugar" video:

American Idol Top 11: The train wreck continues

I'm actually bummed that the producers of American Idol changed tonight's theme from "Teen Idols" to "Billboard #1 Hits" over the weekend. After all, for most of America, the American Idol contestants are Teen Idols (whether they are teens or not). And for us writers, the comedy (or snarkiness) potential was much greater with "Teen Idols" than with "Billboard #1 Hits." (Hmm... maybe that's why the producers switched the theme over the weekend.)

Despite the theme change, Miley Cyrus is still this week's mentor -- and will be pole dancing, I mean singing, her new song, "When I Look At You," on tomorrow's American Idol results show. Can't wait to see the video clips of Miley, like, giving the contestants, like, you know, pointers, dude.

Before we get to the Top 11 contestants, though, what is the deal with Kara DioGuardi and Simon Cowell and the overt flirting? Not only is it making me physically ill, it is very distracting. (Did Kara just yank down Simon's sweater?! EW.)

Now, on with highest rated Party in the USA.

Lee Dewyze: Can Lee deliver "The Letter"? Sigh. I think it got lost in the mail. I still love Lee Dewyze's voice, but like Miley -- and, like, everyone -- observed, Lee really needs to connect more with his fans and the audience, and deliver a great performance, which, contrary to what Randy, Ellen, and Kara said, he did not do. The good news, though -- at least for me, and other Lee Dewyze fans -- is that that performance was good enough to keep him around for another week. But Simon is right that Lee needs to prove he can be a contemporary artist if he wants to stick around for more than a week or two. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Lee a 6.5.

Paige Miles: First, a fashion note: I really like the way Paige is dressed tonight, though WTF was she wearing when she met with Miley?! As for her song choice, though, PHIL COLLINS?! OMG, shoot me now. Of all the Billboard #1s this young woman could have chosen, she chose Phil Collins's "Against All Odds"?! Well, it was against all odds that she would get this far, but after that ATROCIOUS -- and I mean ATROCIOUS -- performance, she has GOT to go. And for the record, she was never that good -- and should have gone weeks ago. Bring back Lilly Scott! Heck, I'd take Alex Lambert over this chick. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Paige a 1.

AN ASIDE: My daughter just asked me to multiply 116 x 52, which is 6032. When I asked her why, she said, "That's the number of Billboard number one songs the Idol contestants could have chosen." When put that way, it is downright depressing that we got "The Letter" and "Against All Odds."

Tim Urban: Queen?! Are you KIDDING me?! And, of course, Miley Cyrus has to hug the cute Jonas Brother wannabe. Ew ew ew. I am trying to be objective -- swear -- but Tim Urban can NOT carry a tune, even if it was strapped to his back. To say that that performance was "pitchy" is being kind. That was DREADFUL. Can we send two contestants home this week? The judges or producers only have themselves to blame for giving this no-talent a second chance. (And, for the record, my little girl thought Tim Urban SUCKED. "Not just sucked, but sucked BIG TIME," and I quote.) On a scale of 1 to 10, we give the Jonas Brother wannabe a 1.

Aaron Kelly: Frankly, I wouldn't mind missing the rest of this season of American Idol, but I keep hoping things will get better. Amazingly, despite having tonsillitis and laryngitis, Aaron Kelly sounds WAY better than both Tim Urban and Paige Miles -- even better than Lee Dewyze. Props to Aaron. He's a trooper, even if I hate his song choices. We give Kelly Kelly's son a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10.

Crystal Bowersox: I am slightly disappointed in Crystal's rendition of Janis Joplin's cover of "Me and Bobby McGee." Don't get me wrong. It was light years better than what we've heard so far, and definitely got better -- had that "WOW" moment -- towards the end. And Crystal Bowersox is still my favorite to win American Idol Season 9. But it was kind of flat. Like Ellen DeGeneres said, there is something lacking in Crystal's performance, a lack of connection between her and the audience. And for the record, I do NOT think that performance was as good as Pink. Sorry, Simon. Still, on a scale of 1 to 10, we give Mamasox an 8.

Michael Lynche: Like, OMG, (heart), Miley, like, totally loved Big Mike. I'm a fan, but I don't, like, (heart) Michael Lynche. Not that it's an either/or, but between Michael Lynche and Ruben Studdard, I'd take Ruben. Sorry Big Mike fans. Still, it was a nice performance, albeit it a safe, slightly boring one. And again, not a great song choice. Though, as Simon said, the guy's got tons of charisma and will be around for a while, which is not a bad thing. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Big Mike a 7.

Andrew Garcia: Speaking of the grapevine, I could use a drink. I am also "thisclose" to losing my mind with these performances. Sigh. WHY DIDN'T ANDREW JUST SING "STRAIGHT UP"?! It was a #1 on the Billboard chart, and clearly the judges want him to sing the damn song. "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" was not a good song choice for Andrew Garcia, though it is a good (make that great) song. And Simon (once again) was absolutely correct in saying Andrew sucked the soul out of that song, and that it was a lousy arrangement. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Andrew a 3. (Hey, he was better than Paige and Tim! Though that's not saying much.)

Clearly, a change in theme, to something you would think would be hard for contestants to screw up, did not help.

Katie Stevens: Listening to Katie (without looking at her), it is hard for me to believe that's the voice of a just 17-year-old. She has great tone, but OMG, PITCHY. Really pitchy. Make that really really pitchy. Sigh. Even though I'm a big girl, I think I may cry. :~( But, okay, compared to her other performances, this was better. Not great, but better. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Katie a 5.

Casey James: This one's for you, Kara. I'm a BIG Huey Lewis (and the News) fan, and always liked "The Power of Love" -- and think it was a good song choice for Casey James. He's just not selling it. "It's like he's in a frikkin' cover band," said the spouse (who just joined me). So true. Bleh. ("The best vocal of the night"?! Come on, Ellen! As for Kara... puh-lease.) For the record, the spouse made his comment way before Simon did. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Casey a 7.5.

Didi Benami: Pretty risky singing a song titled "You're No Good" on American Idol. And while it wasn't bad, it wasn't good. Toooo slooow. (Who arranges these songs anyway? Is it the contestants or someone else? Whoever it is, he or she should be fired.) And it was, all together now... pitchy. Sigh. Seriously, can we send them ALL home and start the season over? On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Didi a 5.

Siobhan Magnus: Clearly, someone has decided that Siobhan is this season's Adam Lambert. And Lord knows this season could use an Adam Lambert. (Hmm. If Siobhan is Adam, does that make Crystal Bowersox Kris Allen?) Hey, Siobhan: I think YOU are wicked cool. Not crazy about this arrangement of Stevie Wonder's "Superstition." A little too slow for me. But it's definitely one of the best performances tonight (though that isn't saying much). And -- right on cue -- there's THAT NOTE. On a scale of 1 to 10, we give Siobhan Magnus a 7.5, maybe an 8.

I've had it with American Idol. And I'm with Simon, tonight SUCKED, and the contestants need to step it up. It's like they don't care. Bleh.

J-TWO-O out.

UPDATED: Yawn. Paige is gone. We're coming for you next, Tim.

The two biggest threats to civilization

No, it's not the passage of the health care bill and reality TV (e.g., The Jersey Shore). I am, of course, talking about CERN's Large Hadron Collider and topless gardening.

Let's cover the latter subject first, shall we?

Bet you didn't know that it was perfectly legal to garden without a top in Colorado, did you? And if Boulder resident Robert P. has anything to say about it, things will stay that way, so his 52-year-old wife can continue to tend to his garden in only pasties and a thong -- the neighbors be damned!

But apparently Mr. and Mrs. P.'s neighbors in Boulder think otherwise, and, as a result, the Boulder City Council is considering expanding the city's anti-nudity ordinance when it meets next month, though according to one report, young, good-looking women will still be allowed to go topless in public.

In other alarming news, this past Friday CERN's Large Hadron Collider set a new world record, accelerating proton beams to 3.5 trillion electron volts, which is more than three times the previous record for any Earth-gobbling, black-hole-making particle accelerator. (Maybe when Geneva disappears, scientists will finally see the error of their ways.)

But are CERN scientists satisfied with the Large Hadron Collider's latest feat? HA-rdly. They want the LHC to ram particles together at a crushing 7 trillion electron volts, recreating conditions when the universe was supposedly created (i.e., the Big Bang).

Now I am not a scientist (nor do I play one on TV), but I know a bit about the Big Bang theory (both the event and the TV show), and I just don't think it's a great idea to replicate the Big Bang -- the words big and bang being a big clue as to what could go wrong.

Moreover, according to a recent New York Times report, the Large Hadron Collider "is riddled with thousands of flawed electrical splices and underperforming magnets, which will require a year’s shutdown in 2012 to fix." Would that be before or after 12/21/2012, i.e., the day the world is supposed to end? Just askin'.

Oh, and have a nice day.

UPDATED: THE END JUST GOT NEARER!!! Per this report, those wild and crazy CERN scientists are going to start smashing protons together -- at a shattering 7 trillion electron volts -- next Tuesday, setting off a series of mini big bangs. On the plus side, if the LHC creates an Earth-gobbling black hole, it means I won't have to worry about writing an American Idol post next Tuesday night. ;-)

Nothing says "Easter" like...

Ah spring, when the candy industry's fancy turns to... Easter. Easter, a time of reflection, renewal, and, of course, Cadbury Creme Eggs...



and Peeps.













Truly, few things say "Easter" like fuchsia marshmallow bunnies and neon yellow marshmallow chicks... and the annual Washington Post Peeps Show. (Click on the link to see this year's winner, finalists, and semi-finalists.)

This year, in preparation for Easter, I personally made a pilgrimage to the Peeps Store just outside of Washington, D.C. And let me tell you, it was an extremely spiritual experience. (The words "moveable feast" do not do the Peeps Store justice.)

Behold, the power of Peeps!













































































Magnificent, are they not?

No wonder that Peeps have been the #1 selling non-chocolate candy at Easter for over 20 years. (For more fascinating Peeps facts, click here.)

And speaking of Peeps, a big "thank you" to my human peeps in D.C. and VA for showing me such a great time while I was in town. You guys are the best.