The truth is overrated

I used to tell the truth, but it was always getting me in trouble. For example, you know how women always ask their friends "Do these jeans make my ass look big?" Well, back in the day, I would be the one fool friend who would actually say, "Why yes they do" when they did (usually adding a guilty "sorry" afterward). As a result of this kind of truth telling, I lost a lot of friends.

Similarly, when clients or prospective clients would ask me what I "honestly" thought of their website or some article or press release or blog post they wrote -- earnestly asking me to give them "my honest opinion" -- I did. And if it happened that their website or article or press release or blog post sucked, I told them so (albeit using more professional language and pointing out any bright spots, if there were any). And guess what? I lost a lot of gigs.

So, after years of truth telling, and getting kicked in the teeth for it, I have finally learned what Colonel Nathan R. Jessep (Jack Nicholson) had to explain to Lt. Daniel Kaffee (Tom Cruise) in A Few Good Men: You [people] can't handle the truth. Oh you say you want to hear the truth, but what you really want is affirmation or confirmation -- to be told whatever it is you want to hear, just like that guy Bernie Madoff and those two Bear Stearns guys, Ralph Cioffi and Matthew Tannin, told their clients... right before they lost all those clients' money.

Want to make friends and win clients? Tell 'em what they want to hear, the truth be damned.

I've even been practicing, so next time you ask me for my honest opinion, I'll be ready. Don't I think your kid is the cutest/smartest/funniest kid ever? "I absolutely agree! [Insert name of a child] is adorable/a genius/a natural-born comedian!" Want my opinion on your little operation? "Really, you had your boobs done?! No, no. They look totally natural." Had no idea your husband was cheating on you and can I believe it? "I'm totally shocked and surprised!" What do I really think of your new website? "Wow. I'm speechless." And your ass? "It looks great in those jeans!"

What's that I hear you say? Lying is WRONG. And I am setting a bad example for little J-THREE-O? (Hangs head.)

Hmm. Now that I think about it, maybe you and the Thompson Twins are right.



From here on out, I promise to be truthier. Would I lie to you?

I feel lucky

It's 11/11 and I'm heading off with G. in a few minutes to Mohegan Sun for our last gambling trip of the year.



I think this could be THE BIG ONE, people, as both G. and I are feeling lucky -- and I am so due. (Mama needs a new pair of shoes, really expensive leather ones with a moderate heel.)



Odds are we will at least have a good time.

Will let you know how we did later.

UPDATED 4:30 P.M.: I am pleased to report the Mohegan Sun "offsite" (aka gambling outing) was a great success, and I made a nearly 400% return on my investment. G. also had an up day. Not bad for a few hours work. And the chocolate martinis were delightful. (Special thanks to Glen, JR, and Pat, our new friends from Rhode Island, who owe us drinks, and to Orlando, our new favorite croupier.) Next stop: shoe shopping in Paris!

Target is proof that God loves us and wants us to be shopping

Never ever go into a Target, especially a shiny new Target, with lots and lots of attractively displayed merchandise, in nice wide aisles, that seem to stretch forever, without:

a) having a list
b) will power
c) having eaten enough prior to entering Target
d) having to be anywhere else
e) all of the above

Because if you do, this:












Will start to look this like this:












And next thing you know -- and $200 later -- you will have a shopping cart full of stuff you don't need and don't even remember putting in there. Just sayin'. (Though I did put back the box of Archer Farms individually wrapped chewy chocolate chip cookies.)

Also to blame for my recent Target foray: the Giants heart-breaking last-minute loss yesterday to the San Diego Chargers (retail therapy)... my mother-in-law getting me a gift card, to Macy's (conveniently located just across the hall from Target)... and the Black Eyed Peas (curse you for coming up with such a catchy song).

It's Caturday!

The perfect day for funny cat videos.

First up, "Halloween Kitties" (or why you should never try to put a costume on a cat, let alone three cats), from the same folks who brought you "An Engineer's Guide to Cats." (H/T to Larissa.)



Next up, "Simon's Cat." And despite this being a cartoon what you see is real.



Finally, Felix! He takes a licking and... keeps on licking!



Btw, you can also view this Felix video on YouTube, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCVw3rJK2NQ -- and feel free to share it with your friends. (Hint.)

Wishing you all a very happy Caturday! (Even you dog lovers.)

Another year older...

Not so sure about the "wiser" part.

Noteworthy events that took place on November 6 (besides my birth):

* Abraham Lincoln elected President.

* Sweden begins a tradition of eating Gustavus Adolphus pastries to commemorate the king.

* Meet the Press debuts on TV. (I still miss Russert.)

* The Iran-Contra Affair is revealed. (Good times. Good times.)

And today is the Kona Coffee Festival on the Big Island of Hawai'i. (I'll drink to that!)

Am heading off in a few to meet up with a graduate school friend who is in town for a couple days. He's a respected professor and published author now. And me? I blog. (Guess who's paying for lunch? Actually, it will probably wind up being me.)

Anyway... Happy Birthday to Me -- and to Sally Field, Rebecca Romijn, Mike Nichols, Maria Shriver, Glenn Frey, John Philip Sousa (even though he is dead), and many others -- from Sir Paul and the band!

Oscar Preview (Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin to host!)

For those who haven't yet heard, the producers of this year's Academy Awards (aka the Oscars) have tapped actor/comedians Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin (who co-star in the upcoming flick It's Complicated) to co-host the 82nd Academy Awards, which air on March 7, 2010.

I think the Martin-Baldwin pairing is inspired, and has great comedic potential. Though I have to admit, I'm a little bit worried that Alec Baldwin is an alien and is just using the Academy Awards, which will be beamed to millions of homes around the world, as a way to further soften our brains.



And what better way to further soften our brains than with banjo music? Even better, Steve Martin playing all of this year's Academy Award-nominated songs on the banjo (preferably with Muppets).



GENIUS. Evil genius. But still genius.

UPDATED: H/T to friend of the blog AVW for reminding me of this classic Steve Martin SNL sketch. I am actually not a big fan of the Oscars, but I would watch -- even pay money to watch -- the Academy Awards just to see Martin and Baldwin (filling in for Dan Aykroyd) as those two wild and crazy guys, the Festrunk Brothers:

Pillow Talk

The uninhibited post about a carefree social media marketer... a careful blogger... and how they learned that pillow talk is no fun... for just one!

Alternate subtitle: How one well- meaning blogger went from mattress hopping to mattress -- and pillow -- whoring (though there is nothing lewd or debauched about this post, sadly)... and gave her readers the chance to win a free pillow!

So here's the story -- and why I am in a position to offer one lucky reader a luxurious Nature's Sleep - Azlon/Soybean Pillow. That's a $64 value, people, yours, for free! (But more about this in a minute.)

Apparently my post about the spouse and I trying to find the perfect mattress came to the attention of some nice folks at CSNMattresses.com, a division of CSNStores.com, the #3 Online Retailer in Home Furnishings according to the Internet Retailer Top 500 Retailer Guide 2009! And they told their boss, a nice man named Tyler P., whose job is "to align CSNmattresses.com with quality sites like [J-TWO-O]." (I am hoping Tyler's job involves other duties as well.)

Anyway, here's what my new BFF (or for this week) Tyler wrote to me: "I love your site, J-TWO-O, and think it provides your readers with fantastic content. We are very interested in creating a mutually beneficial partnership with you."

When I was done laughing my ass off and got up off the floor I replied to Tyler, thanking him for his kind words and explaining to him that J-TWO-O was a satirical blog, meaning it pokes fun at things, albeit in a (hopefully) clever way -- and sent him a link to the site as clearly he had never actually read it.

Amazingly, Tyler was undeterred, even offering me and my readers the chance to win fabulous prizes (okay, one prize, the Nature's Sleep - Azlon/Soybean Pillow) just for including a link to the Simmons Beauty Rest section of CSNMattresses.com. And seriously, how could I possibly deprive my readers of the chance to win a pillow that "surrounds you in pure luxury while allowing you to experience the inherent natural health benefits of Azlon fiber from soybean and corn... [with] fibers that activate the growth of collagen protein in your skin!"

So... Want to win a free pillow? Here's all you have to do: Just leave me a brief (G-, PG-, or PG13-rated) comment ON THE BLOG re a funny mattress- or pillow- or sleep-related experience you've had, or why you need a new pillow, making sure to use your name or nickname or nom de blog (i.e., no commenting as Anonymous) between now and this Friday, November 6 (which happens to be my birthday), at 5 p.m. ET.

Then next Monday a team of totally objective blog readers will pick the winner, whom I will reveal on the blog.

The only catch? The winner must live in the continental United States and you will have to provide me with your name and address via email (no one else will see it, except for Tyler, who is totally on the level -- and has a really cute Facebook picture), so CSNMattresses.com can ship you your Nature's Sleep - Azlon/Soybean Pillow.

Oh, and if you do happen to need a mattress, do check out the Simmons Beauty Rest section of CSNMattresses.com or any of CSN Mattresses other fine mattresses.

This has been a non-paid advertisement.

UPDATED 11/09/09: AND THE WINNER IS... Dave S.! Here is the note I received from Tyler:

Hi J,

I think I would love to give this to Dave S. and his apparently sick daughter… short and sweet comment, but quite convincing. Let me know Dave’s shipping address and phone number and I will have the item shipped to the winner right away.

Thanks,

Tyler

Congratulations Dave S. And thanks to everyone who weighed in with a comment.