Solving one of mankind's greatest problems

Forget getting into iPhones. Forget landing a man on Mars. Forget climate change. There is a bigger problem currently facing mankind, one that has plagued man for thousands of years, and, if finally solved, could radically change the way we live -- or sleep.

I am, of course, referring to... The Spooning Dilemma. And what you're supposed to do with that other arm.

Drawing by Christoph Neimann

For centuries, men have been losing sensation in one arm (and have been nearly asphyxiated by a mouthful of hair) as they attempted to cuddle, or spoon, with their partners. And I think it is high time, in an age where we have mattresses that contour to your body and can go up and down, that someone invents a mattress, or a device, to allow for proper spooning.

So, all you engineers and scientists and sleep experts, get on it. The arm you save could be your own.

Remind you of anyone?

Listen carefully, now. Sound familiar, ladies?



Just curious: Why is it we find a hairy, slightly rotund dormouse snoring cute but a hairy, slightly rotund guy snoring not so much?

[H/T CuteOverload]

Forever Lazy

No good can come from a product called "Forever Lazy," which is basically a Snuggie in footie pajama form.

Seriously, Forever Lazy?! Like we need help being lazy?! (I have a hard enough time getting out of my pajamas most days. Now you people want me to just stay in them... forever?!)

If this product winds up being as big as the Snuggie*, you can kiss our GDP goodbye -- and start teaching our kids Chinese, that is if they are not too lazy to get dressed and go to school.

Also, Dr. Denton just called. He wants his blanket sleeper back.


*Fortunately, based on the fact that donning a Forever Lazy instantly turns the wearer into an oompa loompa, I don't think this product will really catch on. Though I said the same thing about Crocs.

Great sex or a great night's sleep?

Which would you choose? And no, "Great sex then a great night's sleep!" is not an option -- unless you are a man.

Why do I ask? Because the topic of insomnia, especially insomnia in women aged 35-55 who work and have kids, has been much in the news of late. And as a (mostly) working mom between 35 and 55 who wakes up in the middle of the night just about every single night and has problems going back to sleep or doesn't, there is little I would not do to have at least eight hours of peaceful, uninterrupted, non-anxiety-dream-filled sleep. Even give up sex (for a little while, not forever). And apparently I am not alone. Far from it, according to a recent iVillage survey. Though I think the 41 percent figure is way low.

Btw, it's not just women who would prefer a great night's sleep to a roll in the hay. According to a recent Westin Hotels & Resorts survey, 51 percent of respondents said they preferred a perfect night's sleep to great sex. And the majority of those respondents were men.

So what sayest all of you? Would you rather have a great night's sleep every night for a month or great sex (and insomnia) every night for a month? To answer, please take the totally anonymous, informal survey below.

Which would you prefer?

Could someone please silence my rooster?!

Ever wake up in the middle of the night -- and just can't fall back to sleep, like this chick?

[To see the short commercial -- of a woman being awakened in the middle of the night by a rooster, who then follows her to work -- click on where it says "YouTube." You will then be able to watch the clip on YouTube.]



Happens to me all the time, but not usually five days in a row, and it's killing me. (And no amount of meditating or breathing exercises seems to work. As soon as something wakes me -- hi honey! -- my brain clicks into gear and I cannot silence that darn rooster.)

I'd try medication, but after hearing all those disclaimers (which make up most of those ads you hear for Ambien and Lunesta), I'm pretty sure the "cure" is worse than the problem.

So, any ideas, people?

Sleep Camp

Feeling tired?

Ever feel that naps are wasted on the young?

Wish every day was National Go-Back-to-Bed Day?

Or that you could just hibernate for the winter?

Are you at the point where the thought of a good night's rest sounds even better than a good night of sex?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then you need to attend Sleep Camp. That is, as soon as the spouse and I work out a few details and open it. But I'm pretty sure we have a can't-miss concept here. After all, who wouldn't want to learn how to get a better night's rest, especially if it meant taking a few days off from work in some beautiful locale where you didn't have to do anything but relax?

Think of Sleep Camp as a kind of a co-ed, exercise-or-not spa vacation, where the main (and only) goal was to sleep for at least eight hours a day. Where you would learn which mattress and pillow was right for you. And where instructors would hold classes with names like How to Grab 20 Winks, Nap Like a Nipper, How to Sleep Anywhere Anytime, and Learning to Sleep with a Snorer -- and would teach you easy exercises (for lack of a better word) and tricks that would help you get to sleep faster and have sweet dreams, when they weren't giving massages and waiting on you hand and foot.

Sounds like a dream to me.

But let me ask all of you, if such a camp existed, would you sign up?

(Of course now that I've revealed our brilliant idea someone is bound to steal it, but I'm too tired to care right now.)

How to have a better marriage (or relationship)

Introducing the Better Marriage Blanket!



(H/T to friend of the blog Powaqqatsi for sending me the link.)

Made from the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons!

And the Better Marriage Blanket, a beautiful, soft odor-fighting comforter that comes in beige or white, can be yours for the low price of $29.95 (plus shipping and handling)! That's one-tenth what it would cost you to cuddle up with a divorce attorney for an hour!

And while you're at it, why not consider the Brookstone Anti-Snore Pillow?



Not only does the Brookstone Anti-Snore Pillow prevent snoring, it turns your middle-aged, balding, paunchy spouse into a sexy, fit hunk with a full head of wavy dark hair! I think we'd all pay $99.95 (plus shipping and handling) for that ladies, yes?

(Full disclosure: The spouse purchased an anti-snore pillow a while ago, albeit not from Brookstone, and he still looks the same. He also still snores, though much less often, though that's because he discovered his septum was deviated and had it fixed. But I do think the anti-snore pillow helps with soft pallet issues, another cause of snoring.)

More on how to get him to stop snoring here.

Wishing you all a good night (and a better marriage/relationship)...

Pillow Talk

The uninhibited post about a carefree social media marketer... a careful blogger... and how they learned that pillow talk is no fun... for just one!

Alternate subtitle: How one well- meaning blogger went from mattress hopping to mattress -- and pillow -- whoring (though there is nothing lewd or debauched about this post, sadly)... and gave her readers the chance to win a free pillow!

So here's the story -- and why I am in a position to offer one lucky reader a luxurious Nature's Sleep - Azlon/Soybean Pillow. That's a $64 value, people, yours, for free! (But more about this in a minute.)

Apparently my post about the spouse and I trying to find the perfect mattress came to the attention of some nice folks at CSNMattresses.com, a division of CSNStores.com, the #3 Online Retailer in Home Furnishings according to the Internet Retailer Top 500 Retailer Guide 2009! And they told their boss, a nice man named Tyler P., whose job is "to align CSNmattresses.com with quality sites like [J-TWO-O]." (I am hoping Tyler's job involves other duties as well.)

Anyway, here's what my new BFF (or for this week) Tyler wrote to me: "I love your site, J-TWO-O, and think it provides your readers with fantastic content. We are very interested in creating a mutually beneficial partnership with you."

When I was done laughing my ass off and got up off the floor I replied to Tyler, thanking him for his kind words and explaining to him that J-TWO-O was a satirical blog, meaning it pokes fun at things, albeit in a (hopefully) clever way -- and sent him a link to the site as clearly he had never actually read it.

Amazingly, Tyler was undeterred, even offering me and my readers the chance to win fabulous prizes (okay, one prize, the Nature's Sleep - Azlon/Soybean Pillow) just for including a link to the Simmons Beauty Rest section of CSNMattresses.com. And seriously, how could I possibly deprive my readers of the chance to win a pillow that "surrounds you in pure luxury while allowing you to experience the inherent natural health benefits of Azlon fiber from soybean and corn... [with] fibers that activate the growth of collagen protein in your skin!"

So... Want to win a free pillow? Here's all you have to do: Just leave me a brief (G-, PG-, or PG13-rated) comment ON THE BLOG re a funny mattress- or pillow- or sleep-related experience you've had, or why you need a new pillow, making sure to use your name or nickname or nom de blog (i.e., no commenting as Anonymous) between now and this Friday, November 6 (which happens to be my birthday), at 5 p.m. ET.

Then next Monday a team of totally objective blog readers will pick the winner, whom I will reveal on the blog.

The only catch? The winner must live in the continental United States and you will have to provide me with your name and address via email (no one else will see it, except for Tyler, who is totally on the level -- and has a really cute Facebook picture), so CSNMattresses.com can ship you your Nature's Sleep - Azlon/Soybean Pillow.

Oh, and if you do happen to need a mattress, do check out the Simmons Beauty Rest section of CSNMattresses.com or any of CSN Mattresses other fine mattresses.

This has been a non-paid advertisement.

UPDATED 11/09/09: AND THE WINNER IS... Dave S.! Here is the note I received from Tyler:

Hi J,

I think I would love to give this to Dave S. and his apparently sick daughter… short and sweet comment, but quite convincing. Let me know Dave’s shipping address and phone number and I will have the item shipped to the winner right away.

Thanks,

Tyler

Congratulations Dave S. And thanks to everyone who weighed in with a comment.

How to get him to stop snoring... or a non-engineer's guide to getting a good night's rest

Tired of your mate keeping you up at night with his (or her) snoring? Wondering which over-the-counter cures work the best? Well, wonder no more my friends. J-TWO-O is now your one-stop-blog for the skinny on snoring cures.

And speaking of skinny, do you know that skinnier people (are you paying attention guys?) snore less than heavier people? Indeed, excess pounds are a primary cause of snoring -- as are smoking, drinking alcoholic beverages close to bed time, and sleeping on your back.*

After doing some -- ahem -- field research, I came up with the following Snore Prevention Methodology Table, which rates different anti-snoring methods/products on a Zzz scale. The more Zzz's, the more effective the product or method was at preventing snoring -- or helping the person sleeping next to or near the snorer get a decent night's rest.

(NOTE: Click on the table to see a larger view.)






















Here's wishing you a good night's sleep tonight and every night.....

*Note: There are also serious medical conditions that result in snoring, such as sleep apnea, but I'm not going to go into that here. Just click on the link to learn more.