Donald Trump and Pussy Galore

While pretty much everything that spews forth out of Donald Trump's mouth is vile, I just cannot get worked up over his use of the word pussy. Seriously, of all the slang and pejorative terms for a woman's genitalia, aka vagina (rhymes with China), pussy is the one we're having issues with? Seriously?

[Btw, if you didn't see Samantha Bee's "Vagina Monologue" in her segment on the Donald Trump Access Hollywood tape last night, you can watch it here. It is must-see TV IMO.]

But getting back to pussies.... You people ever hear of a book, later made into a film by the same name, called Goldfinger, featuring a guy by the name of James Bond? The film, released in 1964, was tremendously popular and some 40-plus years after it was made you can still watch it on TBS and BBC America regularly.

Any of you recall the name of the femme fatale in Goldfinger? Here, let me help you, Pussy Galore. I don't recall it inciting riots, then or now, but I am sure someone will correct me if I am wrong. (FYI, in the book, Galore was a lesbian.)

Donald Trump was likewise dreaming if he thought that women wanted him to grab them -- by their pussy, or anyplace else -- and kiss them. Though, this scene from the film, as described in Wikipedia, sounds frighteningly Trumpian:

"Bond corners Galore in a barn and forcibly holds her down (while she tries hard to fight him off) and kisses her. The film then shows a massive change in personality where she seems to welcome the earlier assault, putting her arms around Bond. She then secretly turns against Goldfinger."

Maybe the problem with Donald Trump is that he thinks he's James Bond.

While we are on the topic of James Bond and women, who could forget this priceless (totally male chauvinistic) exchange from Diamonds Are Forever?



Ivanka is lucky she wasn't named after her father. Otherwise we might now know her as Short-Fingered Vulgarian or Cheeto Jesus or Clown Face.

NOTE: To anyone reading this who thinks I am in any way condoning Trump's behavior, I am not. There is zero excuse for sexual assault. But many people (see "Trump Supporters") seem to be way more worked up about the use of the word pussy than by Trump's actions, which is wrong.

Because a vagina is a terrible thing to waste

So when I opened NYTimes.com this morning, what should I see at the top of the page, right there in the middle, but the great big headline "Unexcited? There May Be a Pill for That!" about a new drug called Lybrido that purports to help women suffering from HSDD (Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder), aka a low sex drive.

My first reaction? Lybrido? Seriously? Did George Jetson's dog Astro name this thing? ("Jane doesn't want to have sex with George anymore? Ruh-roh. Rust be something wrong with her lybrido!")

My next reaction, Sure, announce this after Saturday Night Live goes on summer break.

And finally, so when did a woman not wanting to have sex several times a week with her husband -- the guy she's been married to for a billion years, who is rarely at home, who doesn't understand what it's like to deal with three hormonal teenagers, who never asks her how she's doing, and plays golf with his buddies on the weekend* -- become a disease that needed to be treated? Puh-lease. If that was the case, almost every woman in my County would be required to take Lybrido.

Joking aside, though, I get that there are women out there who can't get it up psychologically and would welcome a pill that makes you horny. (Usually a glass of Champagne and some oysters do it for me, or a good pastrami and turkey sandwich on rye, but I'm easy.)

Me, I'm waiting for scientists to develop a pill that stops people from acting like jerks. (Just think of the name possibilities!)

*Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

You really think we're that shallow?

I like those amusing Progressive Insurance ads featuring Flo just as much as the next person. But I found this ad, titled "Choices," which I've been seeing a lot of lately (mainly during ball games and on The Weather Channel), sexist -- and offensive.



Do you really think we forty-something women are that shallow, guys, that when given the choice, we'll just automatically go for whatever it is the (preferably shirtless) cute, hunky guy is selling? (Also, why do we always look like frazzled housewives or else naughty librarians in these types of ads?)

Apparently, the answer is "YES!"



Sigh.

Memo to Sauza Tequila: No, I have never wanted to make it with a lifeguard -- or without one. (That Sauza-Rita sounds DISGUSTING. Ew. Also, that lifeguard? He's also -- DUM DUM DUM -- the Kraft Zesty Italian Guy. Double ew. You want to pander to my baser desires, Sauza? Bring back the intelligent fireman -- and don't forget the kitten.)

I know I asked this the other day, but what is with Madison Avenue and all the chick porn ads the last year?

LMFAO + NASA = Latest YouTube hit

Houston, we have a video.

Presenting "We're NASA and we know it" -- or what happens when a bunch of Mars happy geeks do a parody of LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it," featuring the Mars Curiosity rover and video of Mars.



Crane lower that rover.

The one about naughty librarians

I get it, guys. You like to watch porn (except, apparently, for Rick Santorum). But can you please keep it to yourselves -- and out of commercials that air (constantly) between 7 a.m. and 9 p.m. on basic cable?

I am not sure what's going on on Madison Avenue, but there seems to be a feeling among advertising (and corporate?) executives that working women and stay-at-home (or work-from-home) moms all secretly want to be porn stars.

And while I'll admit I found the Liquid Plumr Double Impact (aka Liquid Plumr Makes a Porno) ad amusing, the "Naughty Librarian" ad for Pearle Vision, which I keep seeing on TV (and I don't watch that much TV), has me rolling my myopic eyes:



Though I guess it's not that much worse than the naughty library ad Wonderful Pistachios ran a couple years back:



Maybe I'm missing something here, or maybe I've worked in libraries for too long, but what's the deal? Do you people (with penises) really think we women are going to buy glasses or pistachio nuts because we secretly want to be naughty librarians? Clearly this is some guy fantasy (of a guy who has never spent time in an actual library), and explains much of Tina Fey's appeal, but I don't get it.

Ladies, you tell me: Do you dream of being a naughty librarian? (And yes, you can leave your comment anonymously.)

Liquid-Plumr makes a porno (real ad)

I like having my drain pipe snaked just as much as the next happy homemaker, but seriously, Liquid-Plumr, "Double Impact"?! Why not call it "Deep Pipe"?



(Am also curious who their advertising agency is, Vivid Entertainment?)

And while I could be wrong about this, I think it's pretty safe to assume the "Double Impact" ad was created by a guy (Joe the Plumber?).

Truth be told, I found the Liquid-Plumr Double Impact commercial hysterical (as did the spouse), but I'm not going to rush out and buy a bottle, nor am I going to start fantasizing about plumbers. (I've had a lot of plumbers work on my pipes over the years, and the only fantasy I've had is them fixing the problem the first time and not overcharging me.)

Thoughts?

Explaining boys to your daughter

Just like Andy Hardy, love has found J-THREE-O. Puppy love, that is. And just like Nazareth sang, love hurts. Especially when one of your supposed good friends is supposedly putting the moves on your (12.5-year-old) man. Oo oo oo, love hur-ur-urts.

Typically when my daughter is upset, I give her empathy rather than advice, as I have read and heard enough to know that when people (especially female people) are in pain what they really want is for you to acknowledge their pain not disgorge pleasant but meaningless platitudes like "It will get better, honey. Promise." (Seriously, "that sucks" works way better.)

But sometimes when female people ask for advice, they really want advice. From everyone. So they can form a consensus. Because that is what women do. Particularly when it concerns men. And here was my big opportunity to scar my daughter for life explain how men think to my impressionable adolescent daughter.

What I really wanted to do was point my daughter to the second half of this blog post on i could cry but i don't have time, which I think succinctly explains how the male brain works. But I don't think either of us is ready to have the conversation where I explain what "head" is. (I am still not over the memory of my mother explaining what 69 was when I was around 16. Shudder. Hi Mom!)

Instead, when my daughter asked why this boy who supposedly liked her would pay attention to and hang out with this other (very pretty) girl, I blamed it on the penis. (And yes, I used the word penis.) More specifically, I began to explain that men are wired to procreate and when a pretty girl shows any interest, the penis senses an opportunity and responds. Or to quote Robin Williams, "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

At this point in the conversation, my daughter, utterly mortified, cried "Mo-om!" At which point I threw up my hands and responded, "Go talk to the parent with the penis."

On the plus side, she is doing much better now -- and I have another item for my list of things to do to embarrass your teenage (or pre-teen) daughter! (And I wasn't even trying!)

The Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Men and for Women

Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus, but they are equally likely to make New Year's Resolutions they are unable or unlikely to keep. Herewith, the Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Men, followed by the Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Women.

Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Men

1. I will drink less beer.
2. I will watch less football [or basketball or baseball or NASCAR].
3. I will want less sex and will cuddle more with my wife/girlfriend.
4. I will watch less porn.
5. I will watch what she wants to watch.
6. I will go to the gym [more].
7. I will lose weight and endeavor to burp, fart, and snore less.
8. I will not tell my wife/girlfriend she looks fat in those jeans.
9. I will not look at other women [even the really hot ones in those skimpy bikinis as they smear each other or themselves all over with sunblock].
10. I will spend less time with the guys [or at work] and more time with my mate [and her family].

Top 10 Most Likely to Be Broken New Year's Resolutions for Women

1. I will stop obsessing about my weight.
2. I will stop obsessing about my kid(s)/job.
3. I will stop obsessing about how much more money everyone else makes.
4. I will stop obsessing about my boobs/ass/abs.
5. I will stop nagging my husband/boyfriend.
6. I will have more sex (and like it and not complain about it).
7. I will watch more sports.
8. I will go see more action movies.
9. I will stop complaining about [insert whatever here].
10. I will stop making New Year's Resolutions [especially ones I know I won't keep].

Got a New Year's resolution you'd like to share? Leave me a Comment.