One small step for a bikini...

One giant hard-on for mankind.

I think everyone who regularly reads this blog knows of my feelings regarding the annual Sport Illustrated Swimsuit issue (which appears on newsstands right around Valentine's Day -- how sweet).

I actually didn't blog about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue last year, because, frankly, how much more is there to say about big busted women posing in tiny bikinis (or a thong, or body paint, which is now, apparently, considered swimwear, even though if you actually tried to swim in it, it would wash off, which, okay, may be the point, but I digress) in exotic locations?

But try as I might to ignore this year's 50th Anniversary Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, when I heard about Kate Upton's zero gravity shoot ("Kate Upton Defies Gravity"), I had to see what all the fuss was about.

And, I have to admit, this behind-the-scenes video of the Kate Upton Sports Illustrated 2014 Swimsuit issue zero gravity shoot is pretty awesome -- and funny.



For those interested, Kate Upton is wearing a Target limited edition swimsuit. Because, you know, I'm sure y'all were wondering "Huh, I wonder who made that swimsuit?" or "Where can I get that bikini?" when you were watching that video.

[Photos from the Kate Upton zero gravity shoot here.]

Which bitch has the real...

(rhymes with "bits")?

I'm pretty sure it's not the one in the bikini...



































Btw, for those of you who do not regularly drool over "read" Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Edition, that would be Kate Upton, a surgically enhanced* 19-year-old from Florida. And for those of you who do not regularly watch the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, that other picture would be Ch Protocol's Veni Vidi Vici, aka Fifi or the Fifinator, the bitch who won the Working Group (and a champion Doberman Pinscher). I will leave you all to figure out which bitch is which -- and who has the real tits.

[A quick aside re last night's Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show finale. I cannot believe the Pekingese, Malachy, won Best in Show. Best in Show? More like Best in Mop. Sheesh.]

*Can someone please explain what could compel a beautiful teenage girl to have totally unnecessary elective surgery? I find this trend very disturbing.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Last night, on Valentine's Day no less, several new beauty queens were crowned around New York City -- leaving many of their competitors and observers scratching their heads (and other body parts -- literally).

Over at Madison Square Garden, a long-haired, long-legged bitch named Hickory was awarded Best in Group. Personally, I was rooting for her shorter, cuter rival, Lola, who came in second. But, as we all know, there is no accounting for taste, especially when it comes to beauty contests.

(For those who didn't watch last night's Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, Hickory is a champion Scottish Deerhound, registered name GCH Foxcliffe Hickory Wind; and Lola is a 15-inch beagle, registered name GCH Torquay Midnight Confession. And they were competing against each other in the Hound Group.)

A little while later, another striking bitch, Jayne, who clearly is unfamiliar with Botox and has never gone under a plastic surgeon's knife, won the Non-Sporting Group, beating out what some would say was a much cuter, and certainly less wrinkly, Bichon Frise.

I say good for you, Miss Jayne! You go girl. (Again, for those who didn't watch the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night, Jayne, whose registered name is GCH Vaje's Miss Jayne Hathaway -- yes, for that Miss Jane Hathaway -- is a Chinese Shar-Pei.)

A short time later, not too far away at the Ed Sullivan Theater, David Letterman revealed the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, after having 10 of the models from this year's swimsuit issue humiliate themselves doing one of the most insipid Top 10 lists I've ever seen, "Top Ten Good Things About Appearing in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition."

And gracing the cover of the 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition is... surgically enhanced Russian model Irina Shayk.

Me, I'll take Hickory the Scottish Deerhound or Miss Jayne the Chinese Shar-Pei over Miss Shayk the Russian Supermodel any day, but I'm sure I am in the minority (at least in a mixed crowd). Not that I don't think Irina Shayk isn't attractive. I just prefer the more natural-looking Hilary Rhoda and Julie Henderson -- and Lola the beagle (though I am a bulldog lover).

More importantly, I wish that pretty girls were secure enough to feel they didn't need big fake boobs to be attractive -- and that magazines like Sports Illustrated would feature natural-looking (I'm not going to say "real" because who really looks like a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model?) women on its cover and pages. Maybe we can learn something after all from the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

UPDATED: In a big upset, my gal Hickory won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night. Way to go, Hickory! You can read more about Hickory winning Best in Show here.

When did modeling a swimsuit become a sport? (Sports Illustrated 2010 Swimsuit Issue on sale now!)

While it certainly requires athletic ability to get into a swimsuit these days, if not an athlete's body (do I really need three catalogs every month, Victoria's Secret? I don't think so), I'm pretty sure modeling or wearing a swimsuit is not a sport. But that in no way has stopped Sports Illustrated from putting out its annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, available on newsstands now!

And what better way to pass the time on a cold, snowy day, stuck at home with the kids, than looking at beautiful women half your age in skimpy bathing suits (or only body paint) parading around some beautiful warm, sunny, exotic destination, right ladies? So I think you will agree with me (at least you female readers) when I say "thanks for nothing, Sports Illustrated."

Really, one image of model Brooklyn Decker -- on last year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue -- was more than enough, thank you. And now you have to put her on the cover again? (And for the record, I have no idea what Brooklyn Decker's bust, breast, or bra size is -- though my best guess would be Double D Ecker -- but for some reason when you type the query "Brooklyn Decker bra [or breast or bust] size" into Google, Google directs people to this post. Oh and for the record: they're fake.)

And while I can understand Sports Illustrated's desire to have an interactive Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Website (cause it's all about the Web these days), did CNBC really need to go shoot a behind-the-scenes documentary about swimsuit modeling (which I happened to stumble upon late last night)? Really? Was this your idea Darren Rovell? Did you pick up any stock tips from Julie Henderson, Darren? Perhaps between her legs? Tough assignment, dude.

Okay, enough kvetching. I'm going to grab me some coffee then grab me a shovel and start shoveling snow.

Enjoy.

Does size really matter?

If all the hullabaloo around the economic recovery package is any indication, it sure does. Though as some would argue, it's not the meat (i.e., the amount), it's the motion (how the package is used).

And speaking of package size, why do (some) men feel the need to bring up or accentuate their packages? (Yes, I am talking about you, David Beckham, though you are far from alone.) And does the size of a man's... manhood really matter?

As I do not consider myself an expert on this topic -- and personally find a big brain and a big heart the two most attractive male organs -- allow me to direct you to a site called "Human for Sale." There you can take a short survey to find out if penis size (yes, Dave S., I said "penis") does, in fact, matter and see the results to many probing and stimulating questions.

Oh, and ladies, if such a thing does matter to you, as well as the size of his bank account, do check out his ring finger. (I also have a pet theory that you can tell a lot about a man's... manhood by the length and shape of his nose.)

And while penis size may not be a big issue for women, clearly the size of a woman's breasts are front and center issues to most (though not all) men. Indeed, women's breasts, or, more specifically, Playboy Playmates' breasts, are such a big issue to researchers at the University of Chicago, they created a Playmate database.

And now the intrepid journalists at Wired magazine, going where nearly every man has gone before, have taken it upon themselves to also flip through countless issues of Playboy Magazine to determine if women's proportions and body mass index have changed since Playboy's founding in the 1950s.

Their findings: "While real American women have steadily eaten their way up the BMI slope — just like American men — Playmates have gone from a sylphlike 19.4 to an anime-ideal 17.6." (You can read about the study, and gaze upon the test subjects, by clicking here.*)

And, you could argue, the same applies to Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, if the latest swimsuit issue is any indication.

Yes, my friends, just in time for Valentine's Day, the Sports Illustrated 2009 Swimsuit Issue is here! (Now available on newsstands across the country and online!) I bet Bar Refaeli and Brooklyn Decker have no problem staying afloat.

So does size really matter? And when it comes down to it are women all boobs and men all dicks? I, for one, hope not (though looking at some of our elected officials the past two decades, one could be forgiven for thinking otherwise).

(*H/T to friend of the blog and breast connoisseur JJV for sending me this fascinating article and his diligence in figuring out that the University of Chicago had a Playmate database, which one can only glean by clicking on a picture of a particular Playmate.)