12 Things You'd Love to Say on Facebook... but won't (or shouldn't)

We've all had that moment on Facebook (which I often think should be called HumbleBrag) where we've seen a photo or read a status update and thought unkind thoughts -- but left a nice comment anyway. But what if people actually told the truth on Facebook? You know, wrote what they really thought?

[Thinks about this a minute. Realizes she is a) guilty of the occasional brag, whether done intentionally or not, and b) would probably have no Facebook friends if she didn't filter her thoughts.]

Okay, so that probably isn't going to happen. And probably shouldn't (most of the time). But admit it, at one time or another, you have probably thought one of the following when looking at Facebook -- and even went as far as typing it... and then quickly deleting it.

Herewith, 12 Things You'd Love to Say on Facebook... but won't (and, okay, probably shouldn't; listed in no particular order):

[NOTE: To all my friends and family members reading this, please remember that this is a satirical blog and that I'm not necessarily talking about you. I love your kids, cats, and dogs. Seriously, they are the cutest -- and so intelligent!]

• Please stop using pictures of your kid(s) as your profile photo.


• When was that profile photo taken, 10 years ago? 


• Could you edit those photos before you post them? Half of them are blurry and do we really need to see six shots of you/your spouse/your best friend who isn't even on Facebook holding a glass of wine/margarita/beer?


• Do you guys not see each other/live together/talk to each other anymore? Or are you just afraid if you don't wish your spouse a happy birthday/anniversary in 100 words or more on Facebook, letting everyone know you are happiest/luckiest gal/guy in the world, every year, that he/she will divorce you?


• Hey, you two, could you conduct this conversation via email or Facebook Messenger?


• Too much information!


• Please stop signing me up for sh*t. If I wanted to play that game/have that app, I would have signed up for it myself.


• Wow, you got fat/old!


• OMFG, ANOTHER photo of your kid/dog/cat?! I hate to break it to you but no one besides you and your parents think your kid/dog/cat is that cute/talented (and I'm not so sure about your parents).


• Please stop constantly posting articles about [INSERT POLITICALLY CHARGED TOPIC HERE].


• You win. Your kid is way smarter than mine.


• You win. Your life is way better than mine.

Care to add to the list? Just leave a Comment. 

The end of our affair with social media?

As scientists have proven, passionate relationships have a shelf life -- of approximately two years. After that time, you either transition from passionate love to companionate love or the relationship dies. Which is why I believe social media is ultimately doomed.

Sure, there are millions of people who sign up each week for social media accounts -- on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest -- or create a blog. And for the first few weeks, or months, or even a year or so, they are visiting and posting stuff like crazy. But at some point, typically around the two year mark (give or take a few months), the romance wanes, and they stop visiting and posting as often. Or shut down their account.

Take Facebook, for example. How many of you initially fell in love with Facebook when you discovered that it could help you find and reconnect with that old camp or high school or college friend you lost touch with, or that old boyfriend, or colleague? Come on, confess: you felt a little thrill with each new friend request, didn't you?

And wasn't it great to have a place to see photos of your friends, find funny pictures and sayings, and see what your friends were reading? Even better, you finally had an audience, of hundreds! maybe thousands! to potentially share your thoughts and feelings, photos and articles with -- and receive instant feedback and positive reinforcement from! You "like" me! You really "like" me!

Admit it, you couldn't wait to log into Facebook -- or you just kept Facebook open all the time -- those first few giddy weeks or months.

And then how long did it take before you got weary, or bored, or annoyed with Facebook and then stop using it or deactivate your account?

Fact: About 18 months ago, I was curious to know how many of my Facebook friends actually used Facebook, that is, posted something at least once a week AND commented on other people's posts. The answer: only around 20 percent. And the percentage continues to decrease. Granted, I may be an exception, but I don't think so.

Same goes for blogging -- and commenting on blogs. What an amazing thing, a blog, where you can write down and share your thoughts and photographs with the world and (hopefully) get (positive) feedback from total strangers! For free!

And how cool is it that you can comment on blogs and articles and get feedback about your comments, indeed, hold deep intellectual (or not) conversations with other commenters, people you don't even know?! It's like you are part of this cool virtual community where everybody knows your name (not your real name, of course), a virtual Cheers!

And how long did that infatuation last? Yup, I'm guessing around two years (if that long) -- when you got bored, or weary, or annoyed, and couldn't be bothered to blog or to even comment. (Case in point, check out the number of comments on this blog from 2008 and 2009, the first two years, or some other blogs, compared to 2011 and 2012. Way fewer comments. Similarly, I periodically purge my blog roll, to eliminate those bloggers who stopped blogging months or years ago.)

As for Twitter, having to pack your thoughts into 140 characters or less may seem like a fun challenge at first, but it quickly becomes tedious. And how many people can you realistically follow, or want to?

And I've been hearing and reading a whole lot less hype about Pinterest these days.

Personally, I have mixed feelings about social media. As a writer, I love having a place to write short-form prose and to share my thoughts about pop culture, politics, sports, and, yes, cats. And I love the idea behind Facebook, that is a forum when you can connect or re-connect with old friends and colleagues, share pictures and articles. But I also find Facebook depressing and isolating -- and don't miss it at all when I am traveling or too busy to check in.

What are your thoughts on social media? Leave a comment in the comments section.

Then again, if I am right about social media, you probably didn't read this far -- or can't be bothered to leave a comment.

Facebook: Blessing, Curse, or Both?

Yesterday, there was an article on MSNBC titled "Docs warn about teens and 'Facebook depression': Some teens feel they don't measure up, warns American Academy of Pediatrics." And my two immediate reactions were: a) It's not just teens; and b) I am so glad my daughter changed her mind about getting a Facebook account.

In a nutshell, researchers have "discovered" what many of us already knew, that Facebook is a minefield for kids (and adults) with low self-esteem (like me!) -- and can trigger depression. (If you are the parent of an adolescent or two who is on Facebook or is considering getting a Facebook account, read the article, which is short, and/or watch the embedded Matt Lauer interview with a pediatrician on what parents can do to help their kids safely navigate the social media minefield.)

"If you really didn't have that many friends and weren't really doing much with your life, and saw other peoples' status updates and pictures and what they were doing with friends, I could see how that would make them upset," said one 16-year-old girl. Yup.

(Seriously, I was once near tears when I saw a "friend's" pictures of her Christmas party, to which we were not invited to, though I thought we were friends. And I often find myself envious of certain "friend's" seemingly always exciting, jet-setting, filled with dozens or hundreds of friends lives, even though I know I shouldn't -- and that the poster is probably really insecure and needs to make himself feel really glamorous and important.)

That said, there are many benefits to being on Facebook, such as connecting with friends and family, sharing pictures and articles, exchanging ideas, and promoting one's blog. Indeed, thanks to Facebook I have re-connected with many old friends, made new friends, and have been turned on to many great articles, books, and good causes. And for that I am grateful. But some days.... Some days I just want to delete my Facebook account -- Twitter too. Though I can't because of work. (Indeed, one of my editors recently told me that I was her social media star -- and that the reason I keep getting assignments is that I use social media to promote my articles.)

So what do you all think of Facebook -- and why? I am really curious to know. Even if you don't like commenting, I would appreciate a comment.

Teachable moments, courtesy of The Social Network

So on Sunday, the spouse and I took our daughter (who is 12) and a male friend of hers (also 12) to see The Social Network (aka The Facebook Movie). Now before you start to gasp, please know that I told her and the spouse that I did not feel The Social Network was appropriate for 12-year-olds and was very hesitant to take her and her friend. But the spouse had already told her we would take them, so I caved, though I insisted we chaperone.

As predicted, the movie was wildly inappropriate (definitely not PG-13 material, though we all thought it was a good film). And I spent much of the two hours practicing my apology to the boy's parents for scarring their son for life.

Of course, me being me, I used the rest of the time trying to come up with "teachable moments." You know, life lessons that the kids could use and benefit from, gleaned from watching The Social Network. But all I could come up were things like, "don't snort cocaine off your friend's naked stomach, especially at campus parties," "don't drink and code," and "if you're going to have random sex people you barely know, make sure you/the guy is wearing a condom." Which, upon quick reflection, while good advice, did not seem like things one should be dispensing to a 12-year-old.

That said, we did all discuss the movie afterward, particularly the Mark Zuckerberg character (i.e., the guy who founded Facebook), and whether we thought he was a sympathetic character or not (not) and why (he was a jerk and betrayed his best friend, at least in the movie version); if we thought he stole the idea for Facebook (we all did) -- and if that was a crime (undecided); would you betray your best friend for fame and/or fortune (no); and did the kids now want to go to Harvard after seeing the movie (they did not, amazingly, in fact quite the opposite).

So maybe we did all learn something from The Social Network after all, though I still apologized (profusely) to the boy's father, who, much to my relief, told me his son had probably seen much worse (not totally comforting, but let me off the hook). Still, it is going to be a while before I agree to let my daughter go see another PG-13 movie -- and really really do not want her to get a Facebook account. (I know: Good luck with that. Though we will make her wait until she is of legal Facebook age, i.e., 13, which is still waaaaay too young.)

The mother of all Facebook apps?

I realize this blog post may come back to haunt me when my daughter eventually gets a Facebook account, but this video, from this past Saturday's Saturday Night Live, was just too good -- and funny -- not to share.

And even though this Facebook application (or filter) may only exist in a Saturday Night Live sketch right now, it's only a matter of time until someone actually creates a "Damn It, My Mom Is on Facebook" filter (if someone hasn't already).



[H/T to Magnet for the Absurd, Amy Z.]

What type of Facebook friend are you?

According to Facebook, every day 120 million people log on to the site, 30 million of whom update their status at least once a day. Who are these Facebook users or "friends"? (Btw, the site actually has 250 million active users. They just don't all log on to the site every day.) And can you categorize them?

In answer to the first question, Facebook users are EVERYONE. And in many ways, they defy categorization. They are young. They are old. They are famous or famous in their own minds. They are your friends, your neighbors, your coworkers, your kids, your parents. The list goes on and on, but if you are reading this, chances are you are on Facebook.

And while some people defy categorization, I have taken a stab at categorizing certain Facebook users. (Note: My list is far from inclusive, nor is it meant to cast aspersions on anyone.) If this were one of those Facebook quizzes/applications, and maybe someone will turn it into one (and if you do, please link to this post or give credit to J. of J-TWO-O or http://jtwoo.blogspot.com), it would be called "What type of Facebook friend are you?"

The Chatty Patty. Can be male or female. The Chatty Patty wants you to know what he/she is doing throughout the day, loves when you comment on his/her updates, will often comment on others status and/or photos and/links, and will comment on comments.

The Class Clown. Likes to post funny status updates, links, videos, and photos and will post funny comments on other people's Facebook pages, updates, links, videos, and photos.

The Flack. Someone who mainly uses Facebook to promote his/her self, blog, or business.

The Hit-and-Run Poster. Has a Facebook account and dozens (or hundreds) of Facebook friends but rarely posts status updates or pictures or links or comments. When the Hit-and-Run Poster does post an update or comment, it tends to be very short and often esoteric. Also rarely responds to comments.

The Philosopher. Likes to quote philosophers, writers, musicians, etc. in status updates and when commenting on other people's posts.

The Procrastinator. Really should be working or doing something else, but, hey, this status update will just take a sec and you've just got to check out this link/photo/video. Often posts comments on friends' Facebook pages and sends them links. May be confused with the Chatty Patty or Class Clown.

The Robin Leach. For these Facebookers, life is (seemingly) all Champagne wishes and caviar dreams. (They also rarely, if ever, comment on the more mundane goings on of others.)

The Wallflower or Ghost. Similar to the Hit-and-Run Poster, the Wallflower or Ghost has many Facebook friends but never (or only very rarely) posts status updates or comments on other people's status updates or photos or links.

More powerful than the Large Hadron Collider, it's Facebook! Plus, a stimulating new migraine cure!

While scientists and journalists have been debating whether the Large Hadron Collider, the gigantic particle accelerator located under the border of France and Switzerland, could create a life-sucking black hole that would slowly pull all of mankind into its maw when it is finally switched on in September (by actor Tom Hanks, no less), they have entirely neglected an existing, much more life-threatening, life-sucking, gigantic instrument of destruction. I am, of course, referring to Facebook.

Don't believe me? Well then, what about the numbers? And we all know numbers don't lie.

Facebook currently has more than 175 million active users (including yours truly), with the over 30 crowd being the fastest growing user group. If Facebook was a country, it would be the sixth most populous, just behind Brazil and ahead of Pakistan. And according to Facebook, its citizens spend more than 3 billion minutes (combined) each day on the site. Three billion minutes, folks, gone. Never to return again. Scary.

And just like the Large Hadron Collider has lured scientists to do unspeakable things in the name of science, Facebook has lured hundreds of thousands of application developers and entrepreneurs to create unspeakable applications and tools for the site. But that's just the tip of the iceberg -- or event horizon of the black hole that is Facebook (to not mix metaphors).

Every day, millions of Facebook users go to the site, ignoring their work, their families, and loved ones to post photographs (more than 850 million photos are uploaded to the site each month), videos (more than 5 million of which are uploaded each month), leave comment-inducing status updates (more than 15 million of them each day), form or join groups, and create fan pages.

Can this be good for productivity? I think not.

Case in point, on Friday I was writing an article, which happens to be about managing social media (i.e., Facebook) in the workplace, when I get a ping from Facebook, from a girl I went to elementary school with, who I haven't heard from in, like, over 30 years, who commented on a picture of me from third grade, which a mutual Facebook friend put up.

So I, of course, had to write her back.

Then I go back to my article and the spouse walks into my office. And, of course, I now have to show him the photo of me (and this girl), which I put on my Facebook profile, again taking time away from working on my article.

The spouse looks at the photo, then looks at the notes on my desk, and he says "Facebook is the reason this country is in a recession." I think that might be a little harsh, but I'm going to put the question up for comment on my Facebook page and see if others think it's true.

In other scientific news... As many of you know, I suffer from migraines. I have tried many cures and methods of prevention over the years, with varying degrees of success, but it never occurred to me that a cost-free cure had been right next to and available to me all the time. I am, of course, referring to sex.

Yes, dear readers, scientists have found that having sex may actually alleviate a headache, especially a migraine. Of course, when I first heard about this new cure, I thought it was simply a male plot, but I have actually experimented with this concept several times now and it does, in fact, work, or at least alleviate the pain temporarily. (For more on this stimulating topic, click on the link, which includes a short video.)

I would write more, but I feel a headache coming on, and I have yet to check Facebook this morning.

Anti-Social Networking -- Or, Does Anyone Actually Link Up on LinkedIn?

So yesterday I attended the Small Business Summit in NYC, which is remarkable on two levels: 1) that I, a confirmed introvert and hater of crowds, would pay money to attend such a thing and 2) that I (who hate cold weather -- and man was it cold yesterday -- and have repeatedly been unable to make it into NYC because of last-minute car and health problems) actually made it. Proof, I guess, that miracles do occur.

Even more remarkable: I stayed for almost the whole thing -- and kind of enjoyed myself. I even got up in front of entire ballroom of people (sober!) and asked the VP of Marketing of Dells' SMB (for small and mid-sized businesses) Group a question -- and a good one at that! (How do I know? The VP, Karen Quintos, said "That's a really good question!" as did several people who came up to me afterwards. Want to know what the question was? You'll just have to ping me to find out. But it was so good that just about every speaker thereafter addressed it. Yeah, babies, I'm good.)

So, as anyone who has ever gone to one of these things knows, it's all about NETWORKING. You know, putting your best foot and a lot of business cards forward and hoping you score a new client or at least a lead (though I think some of the people there were looking to score a lot more than that). Yeah, I can do the smile, head tilt, shake hands, "And what do you do?" thing pretty well when I'm in "the zone." My problem with all of this, though, and the reason for the title of this post is, to borrow from Rhett Butler, Frankly, my dears, I don't really give a damn.

Speaker after speaker extolled the virtues of using social media and networking (both online and in person). You would think these people were getting kickbacks from Facebook and LinkedIn (and maybe they are). Speaker after speaker (and I am not exaggerating) said, "You need to have a Facebook page, a profile on LinkedIn, and a blog!" (Hey, two out of three isn't bad!) After the third or fourth person said this, I actually wrote in my notebook (Luddite that I still am), "Get Facebook page."

And then it happened. There I am, listening to yet another speaker natter on about Facebook and LinkedIn, as I am texting a buddy and wondering, as I often do, if anyone besides a mortgage broker or recruiter has ever actually made money or gotten a job or at least a solid lead from having a Facebook page or a LinkedIn profile, and this guy stands up and asks the question (which I am somewhat paraphrasing), "I have a profile on LinkedIn and a lot of contacts, but besides having a lot of names, what's the point?"

To this brilliant question, which I have been wanting to do an article on, titled "He Who Has the Most Contacts on LinkedIn Wins! (Wins what, though, nobody's sure.)," a VP of Marketing at some global internet marketing company responded first, "I'm probably the wrong person to ask. I think I have around 1500 contacts, which is probably too many, and don't really do anything with them" -- then quickly shifted course and said, "I know of thousands of success stories of people using LinkedIn!" Yet he couldn't name one.

You know what LinkedIn's great for? Showing off to a bunch of people you already know how many people you know and who you know (unless you are one of those people who totally defeat the purpose of LinkedIn by hiding your connections -- like we really care, please). Yes, I have a profile on LinkedIn, which I acquired when I was researching an article on online networking. And yes, I occasionally get and send invitations to "link in." Yes, I occasionally check out people's new connections (when I'm really bored). And yes, I direct prospective clients to my LinkedIn page so they can see recommendations of my work. And I know other people who do the same.

But besides giving people the ability to show off how self-important they are, does this "tool," LinkedIn, have any practical value? Go ahead. Prove me wrong. Btw, mortgage brokers and recruiters need not apply. I know you get leads on LinkedIn. I'm talking about the rest of us.

As to Facebook, I need to do a little more research on that one. Last time I checked, though, it was a way for 18 - 34-year-olds to show off how drunk they can get, how "cool" they are, how many "friends" they have, and find possible sex partners.

As I am older than the target demographic, definitely not cool (and don't care), have no friends any more (at least not after this post), have decided it's probably best to be monogamous (hi honey! love you!), and am not looking to market a product or service to the target demographic, I'm not sure Facebook is going to help me grow or promote my business (though I kind of like the idea of making zombies and throwing sheep at people, which you can do on Facebook apparently). Still, I might give it a shot. While I don't have any pictures of myself getting shit-faced, I do have some swimsuit shots that while not worthy of SI, could land me some new business. ; O

So what did I get out of yesterday's Small Business Summit?
1. I got to dress up and get out of the house. (Good and good.)
2. Probably a hundred or more people who, before the Summit, didn't know my name and what I do now do. (Possibly good, possibly creepy.)
3. I have a couple of business/job leads. (Again, possibly good.)
4. Had my ego stroked. (Always good.)
5. Learned about a few cool-sounding, possibly very useful websites. (Always good.)
And 6. Met Laurel Touby, the founder of Mediabistro (of which I am a member and which has proven to be a MUCH better investment than LinkedIn when it comes to generating leads and work), who I really liked and may do an article on -- and soon may be hosting a Mediabistro party here in Stepford. (EEK!)

All in all, not a bad day.

UPDATE: Since writing this post, I received an invitation to link up on LinkedIn from the gentleman I sat next to at lunch yesterday. For the record, I accepted.