They're stealthy... they're fast... they're... ninja cats!

Or "les chat ninjas," for my readers who speak (or read) French.



Ninja cats... defying the laws of gravity... masters of stealth... and combat... able to make themselves invisible... and now, taking over a browser near you. Can nothing stop these ninja cats?!

Liquid-Plumr makes a porno (real ad)

I like having my drain pipe snaked just as much as the next happy homemaker, but seriously, Liquid-Plumr, "Double Impact"?! Why not call it "Deep Pipe"?



(Am also curious who their advertising agency is, Vivid Entertainment?)

And while I could be wrong about this, I think it's pretty safe to assume the "Double Impact" ad was created by a guy (Joe the Plumber?).

Truth be told, I found the Liquid-Plumr Double Impact commercial hysterical (as did the spouse), but I'm not going to rush out and buy a bottle, nor am I going to start fantasizing about plumbers. (I've had a lot of plumbers work on my pipes over the years, and the only fantasy I've had is them fixing the problem the first time and not overcharging me.)

Thoughts?

So "smart," even an elephant can use it

Smart phone? More like smart elephant.



Still, if Peter the Elephant can figure out how to use the Samsung GALAXY Note smart phone (without reading a manual), there's hope for the rest of us. (Me, I prefer a smart phone with a keyboard, but that's because I'm a dinosaur, not an elephant.)

All those in favor of requiring vendors to have Peter the Elephant test their "smart" device before releasing it to the general public, type "Aye" in the Comments!

UPDATED 3/29/12: CNN's Jeanne Moos just did a great segment on Peter the Elephant -- and other animals using smart devices -- which you can watch below.

Maybe the Jets should change their name...

to the New York* Beefcakes.

First they sign a quarterback, Mark Sanchez, who keeps showing up in GQ (often half dressed)...






















(Sigh. I never get tired of looking at that picture.)

And then they sign a backup quarterback, Tim Tebow (though who really thinks Tim Tebow is going to be a "backup" for long?), who is a spokesmodel for Jockey underwear!












(Mmmm... Lord give me strength.)

Not that as a green-blooded female Jets fan I'm complaining -- about the scenery. But I worry that this battle of the hunky quarterbacks could be a distraction.

The Tim Tebow signing has already created a media circus (though I thought Tebow carried himself well at yesterday's press conference -- and was pleasantly surprised by how humble and sincere he came across.) Do we really need a war over which GQ QB is the hottest?

*or, more accurately, the New Jersey

And now a word about poetry

I am not a big fan of poetry (though I love a good limerick and a witty haiku). Maybe it's because I didn't have a middle school or high school English teacher who knew how to properly teach poetry -- or teach it in a way that made it interesting (or understandable) for me. As a result, most poetry, especially when it is performed, makes me roll my eyes and think "what pretentious BS."



(Though I love this scene from the Zodiak Club in Bell, Book and Candle, probably because it makes my point.)

So you can imagine my trepidation at attending our local poetry as performance art program, put on by high school and middle school poets, including, for the first time this year, my daughter (who loves poetry, no doubt because she has been blessed with wonderful English teachers).

I tried to be optimistic -- maybe when I see my daughter and her friends performing poetry, I'll change my mind about it! But each time I tried to envision the performance, all I could think of was this scene from The Munsters...



and Mike Myers in So I Married an Axe Murderer...



And I was not that far off the mark.

Indeed, that clip of Charlie Mackenzie (Mike Myers) performing his poem, "Woman, Woe Man, Whoa Man" comes pretty close to what the poetry program was like -- including the photos in the background and the live musicians, though without the bass and with less bongos, and no alcohol (alas).

And there was way more interpretive dancing (i.e., way too much interpretive dancing) at our poetry performance. (Yes, you read that correctly, interpretive dancing. I know. Where was Billy Crystal when I needed him? Ironically, one of the few poems that did not include interpretive dancing was the one about the Oscars. Go figure.)

And while the poetry performance did not completely change my mind about poetry, many of the poems -- and poets -- were quite good, better than good even.

Though next year I'm requesting more bongos. And William Shatner.

The things guys will do to get a free pizza!

This may be the strangest promotion I've ever heard of.

In honor of March Madness, Urology Associates of Cape Cod is offering guys a free pizza (with one free topping!) if they get a vasectomy this month.

Talk about balls.



More here.

God save the Queen...

from being a Chia pet...















I know the British are big fans of gardening, and that Prince Charles is all about making things greener, but growing grass out of hideous eight-foot replicas of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip's heads seems a mite disrespectful.

Also, I just checked a list on appropriate gifts for major anniversaries and nowhere does it mention "grass seed" for one's 60th anniversary (or any anniversary, for that matter).

Guard your teen girls! The British are coming!

Too late. They are already here. In the form of the British boy band One Direction, who just became the first UK pop group to debut at number one on Billboard's U.S. album chart. (The previous highest UK entry, at #6? The Spice Girls. So much for The Beatles and The Who -- to which my 13-year-old would say, "Who?" Sigh.)

My daughter, the aforementioned 13-year-old, has actually been a fan of One Direction for quite some time now, having heard them on her Internet radio months ago (streamed from some London station). But I only recently heard the Simon Cowell-created UK boy band (hey, hey, we're the Monkees), when they performed on The TODAY Show. (You want to talk March Madness? Check out that link -- and the THOUSANDS of screaming adolescent females who played hooky from school to see those mop tops.)

For those of you who haven't heard of One Direction, here are two of their more popular songs, "What Makes You Beautiful"...



and "One Thing" (a knowing wink to that other fabricated boy band, the Monkees)...



I actually like both songs, in a oh-look-another-boy-band-and-they're-British-how-cute kind of way.

Btw, One Direction's videos have received over 204 million views on YouTube, and their debut album, Up All Night, sold 176,000 copies in its first week. (Simon Cowell is laughing all the way to the bank.)

Any thoughts on the UK's latest export? Leave a comment.

Which half-naked man would you rather have as President?

This guy...















Or... this guy...

















Re the picture of Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum sunbathing in Puerto Rico (at top), who has since apologized for frightening God-fearing Christian families with that shocking photo,which folder would you file it in, "pornography" or "contraceptives"?

Re President Barack Obama, I think I speak on behalf of women everywhere when I say, now there's a chest we can believe in.

Similarly, I think I speak for Americans everywhere when I say, please, Newt, keep your shirt on.

[Re the tags, maybe I should create one titled "political uncoverage."]

Keep calm and leprechaun

I wasn't going to blog about St. Patrick's Day (again) this year, but two things made me change my mind.

The first was this poster, "Keep Calm and Leprechaun," which I first saw on Facebook (and also comes in convenient t-shirt form).














The second was this moving rendition of "Danny Boy" sung (though I am not sure that is the correct term) by The Leprechaun Brothers (aka the Swedish Chef, Animal, and Beaker of Muppets fame).



Brings a tear to the eye, it does.

Wishing you all a safe, snake-free St. Patrick's Day.

Beware the Ides of March (and Gilligan's Island)

Note: For those of you born after 1990, I am referring to the famous line from William Shakespeare's play, Julius Caesar, not the George Clooney movie, The Ides of March, and the fact that today is the Ides ("half division") of March, or March 15th.

Actually, I am just using today's famous or quotable date to segue into a post I have been meaning to do for a while now regarding William Shakespeare, or rather William Shakespeare as interpreted by the cast of Gilligan's Island.

Like many of you, I watched Gilligan's Island in my youth, when it was running in syndication, conveniently around the time I got home from school each day. And one of the most (or more) memorable episodes was the one titled "The Producer," where the cast perform a musical version of Shakespeare's play, Hamlet, to impress a shipwrecked Broadway producer (played by Phil Silvers).

In particular, I will never forget Gilligan (Bob Denver) singing "To Be or Not to Be" to the tune of The Habanera from Bizet's Carmen. [Note: Click on the video to watch it on YouTube if it won't load here.]



And why am I bringing this up? Because for the last few weeks, every night, my daughter has been practicing The Habanera from Bizet's Carmen on her clarinet (like these young men, whose video she's been watching/listening to, so I get it in stereophonic sound), in preparation for the upcoming band concert...



and all I can think of and hear in my head is Bob Denver/Gilligan singing "To Be or Not to Be"!

I ask to be or not to be,
A rogue or peasant slave is what you see;
A boy who loved his mother’s knee,
And so I ask to be or not to be.
So here’s my plea, I beg of you,
And say you see a little hope for me.
To fight or flee, to fight or flee,
I ask myself to be or not to be.

Whew! I feel so much better now that I've blogged about it. Enjoy the ear worm, folks. You're welcome.

I've got some wild, wild life

Come on down to Mutual of J-TWO-O's Wild Kingdom!

We've got turkey vultures...





























Which totally reminded me of this cartoon (even though I know the birds in the cartoon are buzzards, not turkey vultures):



Hawks...















who are the nemesis of the turkey vultures and were duking (or flighting) it out, just outside our bedroom window.

(Note: The above is either a red-tailed hawk, a sharp-shinned hawk, or a Cooper's hawk per my sources.)

And all the venison (aka deer) you can eat! (Though I could never bring myself to shoot one of these deer, who have become like family, albeit tick-infested family you'd never let into the house.)















Bonus dance video: The Talking Heads' "Wild Wild Life"

You call that a Shamrock Shake?

What have you done to the Shamrock Shake, McDonald's?!

(Warning: to those of you on a diet or under the impression that green foods are healthy or were planning on actually consuming a McDonald's Shamrock Shake in the next two weeks, do not click on that link.)

Whipped cream and a maraschino cherry on top?! And what's with the McCafé?! When did shamrocks become French? (Not that there are any shamrocks in the McDonald's Shamrock Shake, or anything wrong with being French, but....) For crying out loud, McDonald's. You would never see Uncle O'Grimacey gulping down such a frou-frou beverage (or me, for that matter).

Also, that tagline, "Want cool and minty?" Cool and minty?! Puh-lease. Hey, I know. Why not call it the McCafé Crème de Menthe and offer it on Bastille Day?! (Again, my apologies to the French.)

Better yet, chase the snakes (or former Starbucks employees) out of your marketing department, McDonald's, and bring back the original non-whipped-cream-and-maraschino-cherry-topped Shamrock Shake, and drop the McCafé.

Thank you. This has been a St. Patrick's Day public service announcement.

I'd rather be on St. Martin

As many of you know, I do not like winter. I do not like the cold (even though it hasn't been that cold this winter). I do not like snow (though we've barely had any this season). And I do not like to ski (or snowboard).

Give me sun, sand, and surf -- 80-degree days and 65-degree nights, with just a sprinkling of precipitation and cloud cover, so I don't burn -- and a spectacular sunset every evening, and I am one happy woman. Throw in great food (which someone else cooks) and not having to clean or make the beds or run errands for five or six days, and I am in heaven. Or St. Martin. Specifically Grand Case, St. Martin.













































































Indeed, if you could bottle the awesomeness that is St. Martin, I'm pretty sure this is what it would look like.






















Now you can understand why I miss St. Martin, and hope to return...one day (after I have won the lottery).

Sigh.

Introducing the new iPaddock, the first iPad for horses

The folks at Apple (and BBC Comedy) have been foaling around with the iPad again. The result? The new iPaddock, the latest in equine technology.

Want to give your stud or stallion a real treat, something he can horse around with? Hoof it on over to the nearest Apple store so you can him the new iPaddock. (Also appeals to little fillies and old gray mares.)



[H/T CuteOverload.com]

Would someone please have sex with Rush Limbaugh?

Sorry for the disturbing visual/request, but I guarantee you that if Rush Limbaugh was having mind-blowing sex on a regular basis, he wouldn't rant and rave so much about other people's sex lives. (Hey, maybe that chick who did it with Eliot Spitzer, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, would do the deed, as a public service.)

Also, too, for those of you who didn't see Stephen Colbert's segment titled "Rush Limbaugh Apologizes to Sandra Fluke" on the Colbert Report the other night, take a look.

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

While I think Al Franken summed it up best when he wrote "Rush Limbaugh is a big fat idiot," Stephen Colbert's analysis is a close second.

A primer on sluts, bitches, and whores

There has been a lot of talk about "sluts" and "prostitutes" (or "whores") of late. And some of you (cough*Rush Limbaugh*) may be confused as to what these terms actually mean.

So allow me to explain the difference between these terms (and women) as succinctly as possible.

A slut is someone who is willing to have sex with just about anyone.

A whore (or prostitute) is someone who is willing to have sex with just about anyone who can pay.

A bitch is someone who is willing to have sex with just about anyone, except Rush Limbaugh.

A witch is someone who marries the guy willing to pay her for sex (cough*Rush Limbaugh*) and then stops having sex with him after he puts a ring on it.

An asshole is a guy who repeatedly calls a woman a slut or a prostitute for advocating that all women should have access to contraception coverage -- and only, half-heartedly, apologizes when several of the sponsors of his radio show pull their ads.

I think that clears it up.

On a (somewhat) related note, while driving south on the West Side Highway in New York City the other day, I spied these two billboards, practically one after the other. While I get the latter message, would any of you care to enlighten me re the meaning of "Escort quality, hooker pricing"? And what's the deal with the sheep in the sombrero? (It's vodka, not tequila.)

Where do cats go on vacation?

They go to St. Meowtin! It's the purrfect getaway.

















Activities include...

Napping...

















Napping...















And more napping.

















There is also an open bar...

















And an activities desk.

















Best of all, no dogs allowed.

Make my mom happy. Buy her children's book.

Even if you don't give a hoot about making my mother happy, and frankly why should you, you should buy this book if you have kids, or grandchildren, or nieces and nephews, or cousins, or godchildren aged 7 or younger. Why? Because it's a really great children's book, about a curious polar bear who explores Central Park in New York -- and the illustrations are gorgeous. And it would score me and the spouse (who created and manages the website) major brownie points.

But don't take my word for it that Polarity Bear Tours the Zoo: A Central Park Adventure is a great children's book. See for yourself at http://www.polaritybearbooks.com/.

And if clicking a link and scrolling through a website is more than you can bear right now, here's a sample page. (Click the photo to enlarge. Then click the back (arrow) button on your browser to return to the post.)















Pretty great illustrations, yes? (That would be a rhetorical question.)

Seriously, what kid wouldn't love this book?! (Again, that would be a rhetorical question.)

But wait, there's more! If you click on this special link for J-TWO-O readers, http://www.polaritybearbooks.com/j-two-o, you'll get $2 off the $17.95 retail price! (The book was self-published and is currently only available via the web.)

Don't have any rugrats of your own or your kids are too old to be reading a cute story about a fun-loving polar bear? I bet you've got friends and co-workers and relatives who do, who would just love Polarity Bear Tours the Zoo: A Central Park Adventure. And if you send them a link to this post, they can get the $2 off discount.

Okay, I believe my work here is done.

Happy Mom?

(And maybe next time you write a children's book, that was indirectly inspired by your one and only child, who said she would tell all her friends and blog readers about it, you might dedicate the book to her. )