And speaking of turkeys: It's Thanksgiving

I was trawling YouTube in search of a funny Thanksgiving song to share with you, my loyal readers. Instead I came across this turkey -- the latest worst song ever, a new viral video titled "It's Thanksgiving" by 12-year-old aspiring Rebecca Black wannabee Nicole Westbrook. The song, like "Friday," was written and produced by Patrice Wilson.

(So don't say I didn't warn you.)



Here's a taste of the lyrics:

December was Christmas. (Christmas) January was New Year (New Year). April was Easter. And the 4th of July, but now it’s Thanksgiving.

Oh oh oh it’s Thanksgiving. We we we we are gonna have a good time.
Oh oh oh it’s Thanksgiving. (alright) We we we are gonna have a good time.
With a turkey, eh mash potatoes eh, and we we we are gonna have a good time.
With a turkey, eh mash potatoes eh!
It’s Thanksgiving
It’s Thanksgiving

Yo. It’s Thanksgiving giving giving and I’m trying to be forgiving. (come on girl)
Nothing is forbidden. You know we I gotta have.
I gotta give thanks to you, and you, and you.
Can’t be hateful, gotta be grateful.
Gotta be grateful, can’t be hateful.
Mash potatoes on my – on my table.
I got ribs smelling up my neighbor’s cribs. (alright)
Can’t deny
Havin’ good times
We’d be laughing till we cry

Speaking of laughing till we cry... I could be wrong, but I'm guessing "It's Thanksgiving" may be with us until (or after) it's Christmas -- making music critics and others who make a living penning snark thankful to have something new to write about, while making the rest of us thankful for the Mute button.

Amen.

The real threat to America?

Justin Bieber. Canadian.

Forget about cracking down on Mexicans or faceless terrorists on the other side of the world. We need to do something -- now -- about these upstart Canadians coming across the border and stealing our awards right here on our shores!

Justin Bieber, American Music Awards Artist of the Year?

Justin Bieber, American Music Awards Favorite Male Artist -- Pop/Rock?

And that's just the tip of the Bieberg!

You see that word right there, American? Does that mean nothing to you voters? He's a Canadian, for Pete's sake!

And he's not the only one.

Carly Rae Jepsen, she of "Call Me Maybe" fame and another Canadian, was named Best New Artist by the American Music Awards -- beating out beloved British boy band One Direction. And you know these Canadians pose a serious threat to America when they beat out a group of five wildly popular mop-topped British boy singers.

People, if we want to truly make America great again, we need to do something about these Canadian singers (I knew there was a good reason I didn't like Neil Young), actors (time to beam up William Shatner), directors (King of the World James Cameron? A card-carrying Canadian), and personalities (Answer: Popular Canadian game show host; Question: Who is Alex Trebek?) swooping in and taking American awards, hearts, and dollars.

John McCain and Lindsay Graham, get on it.

And the fur is flying

I don't know about all of you, but when I see a tongue-in-cheek video for an insurance company featuring skydiving cats, I do not assume that dozens of our furry friends were thrown out of airplanes with parachutes on their backs. 



But according to a report on CNN, the fur has been flying since this "skydiving cats" commercial began airing, with people accusing the maker of the ad, Swedish insurance company Folksam, of cruelty to cats.

Rest assured, my feline-loving friends, no cats were harmed during the making of that commercial. All five cats were shot in a studio against a green screen -- with fans to give them that wind-blown look.

Now skydiving dogs? That's a whole other topic....

Ding Dong, Hostess Brands is dead

Another snack-cake sized piece of my childhood died today.

As has now been widely reported, Hostess Brands, the maker of Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, and my personal favorite, Hostess CupCakes, is closed. Shut down (ultimately*) by a Bakers Union strike.

And while I have never been a fan of Twinkies, and I cannot recall the last time I had a Hostess snack cake, the thought of never again experiencing the pleasure of scraping the hard chocolate coating off of a Yodel with my teeth before unrolling it, then licking up the creamy filling, and finally partaking in the moist chocolate cake, makes me incredibly sad.

And no, I am not confusing Drake's cakes with Hostess snack cakes. As it turns out, unbeknownst to me until now, the company that is now called Hostess Brands acquired Drake's and several other bakeries in the mid-1990s. So it is not only Twinkies, CupCakes, and other Hostess Brands that are affected but also Drake's and a half dozen other brands (including Wonder Bread) that are ceasing operations. Though Hostess Brands is looking for buyers for many of its iconic brands.

And even though I know these sugary treats are bad for you, there is a little kid inside me that hopes Yodels (and maybe some of the other brands) survives.

So, what was your favorite Hostess snack or Drake's cake growing up? Let me know via the Comments.


*Hostess Brands filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in January 2012, the second time the company had done so.

UPDATE: IT'S TWINKIE MADNESS! ABC News is reporting that at least one New York City supermarket sold out of Twinkies by midday today and that boxes of Twinkies are being sold on eBay for $100. 

How to choose a (discreet) mistress + tips for avoiding detection

Three years ago, in the wake of the Tiger Woods' scandal, I wrote this post titled "How to choose a mistress." If only General David Petraeus (and so many others) read my blog.

Now, as a public service to all married politicians, top military brass, celebrities, athletes, and CEOs (current and aspiring), I have updated the blog post, adding useful tips such as how to hide your private correspondence. Herewith, A Guide to Choosing a (Discreet) Mistress. (You're welcome.)

A Guide to Choosing a (Discreet) Mistress

1. Avoid women who seem way too eager to get in your pants (or vice versa) -- especially those who show or offer you their panties (see "Monica Lewinsky"), want to videotape you for posterity even though they have questionable video skills (see "Rielle Hunter"), or write a biography of you even though they have never written a book before (see "Paula Broadwell").

2. Never have sex with a woman who has been on a reality show, who wants to be on a reality show, or for whom reality shows are considered "must-see" TV.

3. Similarly, steer clear of name droppers, celebrity seekers, and star f_ckers, or anyone who has ever dated a celebrity, professional athlete, famous figure, or titan of industry, especially if she has dated more than one of these (or claims to have).

4. Do not have sexual relations with women who are your direct reports or who stand to gain or lose position or salary from getting it on with you (unless you are David Letterman).

5. Do not mess around with your wife's best friend, sister, or that neighbor she's always chatting with -- unless you want a really messy and expensive divorce. And for God's sake, man, do not screw the nanny, au pair, or babysitter. (That is so cliche.)

6. Make sure your ho is not on any prescription medication -- or should be.

7. Avoid single women and/or married women who are looking for an escape goat.

8. Steer clear of women who are always texting or posting shit on Facebook or Twitter. (What exactly is it you think they are texting or tweeting all their friends, stock market tips?)

9. Above all, avoid the jealous type. (See Fatal Attraction.)

Other helpful hints:

* Always wear a condom -- and make sure she's on the pill.

* Never leave a paper or electronic trail. Sharing a Gmail account and leaving drafts for each other? So five years ago. (Here's how to properly hide or keep private private correspondence, which was sent to me by the spouse. Hmm...)

* Do no flirt with another woman in your mistress's presence or with someone she might possibly know -- and for God's sake don't cheat on your mistress. (A woman scorned....)

* Don't cheat in the first place.

I will now panda to your baser emotions!

To panda (definition): to act like an adorable baby panda; especially to provide gratification to others -- as in, I will now panda to your need for cuteness by showing you this video of Xiao Liwu* (meaning “little gift”), the San Diego Zoo's 3.5-month-old incredibly adorable panda cub, who was just officially named! 

Here he is getting his 100-day checkup! (Who's a cute little panda cub? Who's a cute little panda cub? Xiao Liwu is!**)



To see an unbearably cute video compilation of Xiao Liwu getting his various baby panda exams, click here.

*Per the San Diego Zoo, Xiao Liwu is pronounced sshyaoww (falling then rising tone) lee (falling then rising tone) woo (falling tone).

**Hey, would you rather I blogged about the Petraeus love triangle (or pentagon) -- or the fiscal cliff? 

Books to warm your imagination

I didn't realize how many books I had read the last couple of months until I put together this list. And it only represents some of the books I read! As per usual, there is something for everyone -- and a link to the book on Amazon.

Looking for more book recommendations? Click on the BOOK NOOK label at the end of this post or click on the Book Recommendations link in the right-hand column.

File under "Fiction"

The Dressmaker by Kate Alcott. Based on the true story of a couple of British aristocrats, Lord and Lady Duff Gordon, the latter a well-known fashion designer, who were sailing to America on the Titanic and commandeered a lifeboat, refusing to let others aboard. While based on the facts, though, The Dressmaker is the fictional story of a fictional aspiring dressmaker, Tess, who persuades Lady Lucille Duff Gordon to take her aboard the ill-fated ship as her secretary, with the hopes of working for her as a dressmaker once they get to New York -- and what happens after they arrive in New York with the rest of the Titanic survivors. An interesting, fresh (?) take on the Titanic story with some fashion history and romance thrown in. 

The Proposal by Mary Balogh. Let me know if you've heard this one before: a lovely, young, titled widow twists her ankle while climbing a cliff only to be begrudgingly rescued by a big, gruff, dour, albeit handsome, ex-military officer and hero who just happens to be out walking nearby. The two are immediately at odds, though that doesn't stop the now-titled reluctant military hero from wanting to bed the lovely lady. You can pretty much guess how the story turns out, but I still enjoyed this bit of historical romance.

The Emerald Storm: An Ethan Gage Adventure by William Dietrich. This book reminded me of those old Errol Flynn swashbucklers I adored in my youth -- or for those of you going "Errol who?", a Roger Moore James Bond film (albeit set in the early 1800s). A fun, adventure-filled romp through Napoleonic Paris and Haiti, The Emerald Storm made me wish I had read William Dietrich's previous Ethan Gage adventures first. But fortunately Dietrich provides just enough background to make readers who haven't read any of the prior books comfortable. If you like your adventure novels and heroes with a dash of humor as well as being dashing, I highly recommend the Ethan Gage adventures.

Jasmine Nights by Julia Gregson. Even though I studied World War II in school and at university, I was unfamiliar with what going on in the Middle East at the time or the strategic importance of Turkey or the role that women spies and entertainers (who were often both) played. So I found Jasmine Nights enlightening (if that is the right word) on that score. (Even though it is a work of fiction, the book is based on facts/actual accounts.) I also felt connected to the main characters, a young, beautiful, aspiring Welsh singer and a handsome, young, cocky British fighter pilot who narrowly escapes a crash with his life. If you enjoy books about World War II, and/or are interested in the role of British pilots, spies, and entertainers in the war, check out Jasmine Nights.

The Girl in the Gatehouse by Julie Klassen. Another historical romance with a plucky heroine -- this time a young Lady (again, with a capital L) whose virtue has been compromised and who has been banished with her older, female companion/former governess to the gatehouse of her former aunt, where she takes up writing novels -- and a dashing former military hero who rents the estate upon which she lives. There's also a mysterious swashbuckling former Navy captain, a couple of adorable urchins, a former Navy cook and curmudgeon with a heart of gold, and the requisite bad guy, a louche lord. Cliches aside, I enjoyed The Girl in the Gatehouse, which is well written with colorful characters.

Magic Words: The Tale of a Jewish Boy Interpreter, The World’s Most Estimable Magician, A Murderous Harlot, and America’s Greatest Indian Chief by Gerald Kolpan. I do not know if I could do a better job describing this book than the subtitle does -- certainly not in under 100 words. Suffice it to say, I loved this book. And if you are interested in the history of the American West, showmanship, or magic -- or love a rousing tale of adventure, mystery, and love, you will enjoy Magic Words. By the way, as with many of the other books listed here under "Fiction," Magic Words is based on actual people and events, which makes it doubly delightful (in my opinion). Definitely goes on my Top 12 of 2012 book list.

The Last Chinese Chef by Nicole Mones. The Last Chinese Chef is a love story, about food. Specifically Chinese food. No, not the food most of us Americans call Chinese but authentic, classic, timeless, exquisitely prepared and served Chinese food that is served in China, at least in certain restaurants and homes. It is also a culinary history (of sorts) of China and a story of friendship and family. And to a lesser degree it is the story of a food writer who discovers her late husband was not faithful and may have sired a love child. If you love food, how it is prepared, how it tastes, or stories about food, The Last Chinese Chef is a must read. Though I warn you, this book will make you very, very hungry.

File under "Non-Fiction"

Stealing Rembrandts: The Untold Stories of Notorious Art Heists by Anthony M. Amore and Tom Mashberg. I love a good art heist book and Stealing Rembrandts does not disappoint. Inspired by the infamous theft of three Rembrandts from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston, and written by an art security expert and an investigative journalist, the book recounts various Rembrandt heists through the years while providing a history of the artist and many of his paintings.

The Perfect Fruit: Good Breeding, Bad Seeds, and the Hunt for the Elusive Pluot by Chip Brantley. Or How I Learned Where Dinosaur Eggs Come From. We here at J-TWO-O HQ are long time pluot and plum fans. So when I happened upon this book while strolling through the stacks at one of our local libraries, I grabbed it. Written by a fellow pluot and plum lover (and foodie), the book takes readers on a journey to California's San Joaquin Valley in search of the perfect fruit. Brantley also provides a fascinating look at the plum industry and how hybrid fruit is bred -- and introduces readers to some great characters. 

Thomas Jefferson’s Crème Brulee: How a Founding Father and His Slave James Hemings introduced French Cuisine to America by Thomas J. Craughwell. Saw this book in a local book shop and felt compelled to pick it up. Proof that good things come in small packages (and not just me). A fascinating look at Thomas Jefferson the gourmand and how he became a true foodie and oenophile while in Paris. The author also provides some interesting details about Jefferson's relationship with his slave James Hemings and Hemings' life in Paris.

The Richest Woman in America: Hetty Green in the Gilded Age by Janet Wallach. I loved Janet Wallach's biography of English explorer Gertrude Bell, so scooped up her latest when I saw it at a local library. Having never heard of Hetty Green, I was intrigued. I cannot say I loved the book -- Hetty Green had a miserable childhood and both as a child and as an adult she had to hold her own against and battle mean and/or unscrupulous people (more often than not men). But it was fascinating learning about such a hard working, financially savvy woman and about financial dealings (rail roads, real estate, stocks and bonds) during the Gilded Age.

File under "Well that was a waste of money and time."

I don't usually like to include books I disliked in these lists, but I feel compelled to include How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran. I had heard via a Facebook friend (or two) and some reviews that this was a fabulous, fun read. So when the spouse gave me a gift card to a lovely little independent book shop near here and I saw the book I picked it up, even though I had misgivings. (I can tell just from reading the jacket copy and a page if I am going to like or dislike a book.)

I rarely use the word "hate" for a book, but I hated this book. I found the author's anecdotes depressing and pathetic and not the least bit funny -- though, to be fair, I stopped reading the book  around a quarter of the way through. I just couldn't stomach wasting another minute on it. Granted, this is just one person's opinion, but if you are interested in the book, I'd advise you to visit your local library not purchase it.

Read a book recently that you would recommend? Please leave a Comment with the name of the book and the author. Thanks!